The elf maiden knelt by the riverbank, humming a tune so pure it could make a grown man cry. The melody floated through the trees, harmonizing with the chirping birds and the gentle rustle of wind dancing through the leaves. It was like Mother Nature herself had pressed the unmute button on ambiance.
And me? I was crouched behind a bush, sweating bullets.
Leaves scratched my arms, mosquitoes attacked my legs, and a suspicious squirrel kept judging me from a nearby branch. I peered through the foliage, my gaze fixed on the elf girl. She looked straight out of a JRPG opening cutscene—long golden hair, pointy ears, pale flawless skin, and a white dress that fluttered just enough to get me canceled in five kingdoms.
"Okay, Kazuki," I whispered, psyching myself up like a budget shonen protagonist. "You just have to walk up, say hi, and somehow steal a kiss without getting arrested for war crimes."
I glanced down at my inventory. [Useless Stick (Common)] Truly, I was armed to the teeth.
That's when a screen popped up in front of my face:
[Tutorial Tip!] Stealing kisses is harder than it looks! Approach carefully, use the environment, and rely on your natural gooner instincts! Failure may result in death, embarrassment, or worse!
"Natural gooner instincts??" I hissed under my breath. "I don't have any! I'm an indoor cryptid, not some hentai protagonist with plot armor!"
The system, as always, offered zero sympathy.
Meanwhile, the elf girl stood up from the river, her soaked laundry wrung out and folded neatly beside her. Sunlight sparkled off the water droplets on her skin. She was like a myth brought to life—delicate, radiant, and about five seconds away from turning me into a murder statistic.
Still, I had a quest. And I wasn't about to let a minor thing like common sense or survival stop me.
I charged. Out from the bush like a man possessed. Half-naked, holding a stick, yelling something between a war cry and an apology.
Time slowed. Birds froze in mid-air. The river paused.
She turned her head. Our eyes met. She blinked once. Then her expression shifted from confusion to unfiltered panic.
"HEEEEEYYYYY—"
She grabbed the nearest object, a wooden laundry basket, and brought it down on my head with the wrath of a thousand angry villagers.
CRACK!
My vision exploded into stars and panties. Socks and underwear fluttered through the air like some cursed anime confetti.
"STAY BACK, PERVERT!" she screamed, voice shrill and righteous.
I stumbled back, arms flailing, trying to explain while also ducking a volley of thrown laundry accessories.
"Wait! I come in peace! I swear! It's all just—GAH!"
WHACK.
A rock slammed into my forehead like divine punishment.
I collapsed to the ground, twitching, praying, regretting every decision I had made since birth.
That's when the system helpfully chimed in:
[Emergency Gooner Tutorial Activated!] Tip: You can use the environment creatively! When in doubt... GOON HARDER.
"What does that even mean!?" I gasped.
But somewhere in the shattered remains of my brain, something clicked. Survival instinct. Desperation. Goon energy.
She stepped toward me, paddle in hand, eyes blazing. I lunged.
Specifically, I grabbed her ankle.
She shrieked in surprise, lost her balance—and tripped.
Time slowed again. She fell forward. Her face inches from mine. Lips approaching.
SMOOCH.
For a brief, glorious second, the world went still.
Our lips brushed. Accidental. Clumsy. Glorious.
Then—
[Ding!]
[Quest Complete!] Congratulations! You have stolen a maiden's first kiss! +10 Vitality! +1 Gooner Instinct! Skill Unlocked: [Clumsy Charm] (Passive) Clumsy Charm: You are slightly harder to hate after making a fool of yourself. +10% forgiveness chance!
I lay there in shock. Half-conscious. Barely breathing. Slightly aroused.
The elf girl stared down at me, eyes wide, cheeks exploding into a shade of red that could only be described as warpaint.
"Y-YOU... Y-YOU—!!"
Then came another notification:
[New Quest Available!] ➡ Survive the next 60 seconds without getting murdered! Reward: +5 Luck
"Oh crap—"
WHAM!
A kick to the ribs sent me flying like Team Rocket into the nearby river.
Splash!
Ice-cold water smacked the air out of my lungs. I flailed like a wet sock, sputtering, catching glimpses of the elf girl on the shore.
She stood there, fists clenched, face glowing red with fury and confusion.
"You... you fiend! You monster! You... you kisser of maidens!!"
I clung to a mossy rock, coughing and shivering.
"It was an accident! I swear!"
"LIAR!"
Eventually, she stomped away, muttering curses in Elvish probably illegal in three dimensions.
I floated in the river, battered and barely breathing—but alive.
[Ding!]
[Quest Completed!] Survived 60 seconds without getting murdered! +5 Luck!
A new screen appeared:
[System Message] New Location Unlocked: Pinewood Village New Questline Started: The Elf's Wrath
Next Quest: ➡ Apologize (or fake-apologize) to the maiden before sundown! Reward: +1 Charisma Penalty: Permanent Enemy Status!
I groaned.
"Why does every quest involve me getting beat up...?"
The river flowed gently around me. Birds sang like nothing had happened. Sunlight streamed through the leaves in heavenly rays.
And thus began the next step in my legendary journey. Not as a warrior. Not as a savior. But as a half-naked, wet, accident-prone, misunderstood gooner with a stick and dreams.