Note:- People didn't appreciate my serious novls, so now I've stooped to writing pure, unfiltered nonsense. Welcome to my comedy circus—leave your logic at the door, bring your own confetti, and don't ask questions. If you spot a plot, it's a mirage. If you find meaning, you're hallucinating. Enjoy the chaos!
The morning sun stabbed through the coffee shop windows like an overeager barista, hitting Jayden Malone square in the eyeballs. He blinked, cursing his life choices - specifically the one where he'd stayed up until 3 AM watching conspiracy videos about lizard people. Again.
His breakfast - a gas station burrito of questionable pedigree - sat half-unwrapped on the table. The cheese had already begun its slow transformation into a rubbery artifact that future archaeologists would probably classify as "early 21st century synthetic polymer."
"Large black coffee, extra existential dread," Jayden mumbled to himself, squinting at the barista. The guy had a new tattoo snaking up his forearm that seemed to... pulse? Jayden chalked it up to sleep deprivation and took another bite of regret.
That's when the blue box appeared.
[SYSTEM INITIALIZATION COMPLETE]
Jayden's burrito hit the floor with a wet splat.
"What the actual-"
[EARTH HAS BEEN INTEGRATED INTO THE MULTIVERSAL NETWORK]
The coffee shop erupted.
To Jayden's left, a businessman in a Brooks Brothers suit suddenly grew antlers. To his right, the college student studying organic chemistry burst into flames - then calmly patted herself out like this was just a minor inconvenience. The barista's tattoo peeled off his skin and began orbiting his head like some kind of demented halo.
"Okay," Jayden said slowly, holding up his hands. "Either I'm hallucinating, or-"
[ABILITY ASSIGNMENT IN PROGRESS]
A progress bar materialized. It ticked upward:
10%... 35%... 72%... 99%...
99%...
99%...
Jayden tapped the box. "Hello? Anyone home?"
[...ERROR DETECTED]
[...RECALIBRATING]
[...ASSIGNING ALTERNATE ABILITY]
The box glitched violently, pixels scattering like roaches when the lights come on. When it reformed, the text looked... annoyed.
[CONGRATULATIONS!]
[ABILITY: FREAK MODE - UNIQUE (ANOMALY-CLASS)]
[DESCRIPTION: YOU ARE AN ERROR. DO WHATEVER YOU WANT.]
Jayden stared. The box stared back (somehow). Outside, someone screamed as a six-legged raccoon the size of a Prius smashed through a storefront.
"...That can't be good," Jayden muttered. Then, because the universe clearly hated him, his phone buzzed. A text from his landlord:
"Rent's due. Also, why is your cat floating?"
Jayden looked down at the system notification still hovering in his vision.
[SUGGESTED FIRST ACTION: PANIC]
"Yeah," he said, grabbing his coffee. "Yeah, I can work with that."
The world had ended. His burrito was ruined. And somehow, against all odds, Jayden Malone was finally right where he belonged - in the middle of a cosmic glitch with absolutely no instructions.
Somewhere in the multiverse, a system administrator facepalmed.
The streets of downtown had transformed into a rejected MMORPG beta test. Jayden stepped over a shattered phone screen displaying someone's half-finished tweet: "wtf I just grew tentac-" before the pavement cracked beneath his sneakers.
[SUGGESTION: TEST YOUR ABILITY]
"Yeah, no shit," Jayden muttered, dodging a flying skateboard propelled by some kid's new telekinesis. He flexed his hands like he'd seen in anime. "Super strength!"
Nothing.
"Laser eyes!"
Zilch.
"At least give me a goddamn stats screen or-"
A guttural roar cut through the chaos. Emerging from the alley behind Taco Bell was a nightmare of green muscle and bad dentistry - seven feet of hunched malice wielding a stop sign like a battleaxe.
[Goblinoid Overgrunt - Lvl 5]
[Warning: Newly Awakened Humans Not Recommended For Combat]
The creature sniffed the air, beady eyes locking onto Jayden with disturbing intelligence. Its nostrils flared.
"...Shit." Jayden backpedaled as it raised its weapon. His heel hit something plastic - a half-empty ketchup bottle abandoned near a hot dog cart.
The goblin charged.
In pure panic, Jayden grabbed the bottle and squeezed like his life depended on it (which it did). A pathetic arc of ketchup splattered across the creature's leathery chest, forming a sad crimson Rorschach blot.
The Overgrunt froze.
[Freakish Act Detected: Condiment Warfare]
[Temporary Buff Acquired: Condiment-Based Intimidation]
For three heartbeats, nothing moved except a single drop of ketchup sliding down the goblin's pecs. Then its face twisted in primal horror. With a shriek that would haunt Jayden's dreams, it turned and fled, dropping its stop sign with a clatter.
Jayden stared at the bottle. "Huh."
Across the street, a woman in yoga pants gaped at him. "Did you just... ketchup a goblin to death?"
"I prefer to think of it as aggressive condiment redistribution."
[System Notification: Please Stop Breaking The Rules.]
The message flickered with what Jayden could swear was existential fatigue. He grinned and gave the empty bottle a theatrical twirl.
"Ladies and gentlemen," he announced to the gathering crowd, "welcome to the freak show."
[New Reputation Unlocked: "Condiment Crusader"]
[Effect: Minor enemies now have 15% chance to flee at sight of condiments]
Somewhere in the multiverse, a system administrator screamed into a digital void.