30 October 2020
The bedroom was dark and cold.
Come home Eli! I prayed silently. Please.
In our bedroom, I walked to the windows and parted the curtains. Eli was out there somewhere in this darkness and silence. I couldn't bear to think that he was hurt, in danger or somebody had attacked him. I opened his bedside drawer which contained a bunch of spare keys and his passport along with old and new cheque books. I went through his passport. Elias Celeste. 29 years old. My finger grazed his photo glued on the paper. The brown almond eyes full of life and the slight smile playing on the lips.
I went into the adjoining dressing room and touched Eli's shirts and suits. I took off my clothes and only wore his grey shirt. It had long sleeves. He liked them. I wrapped my arms around my hopeless self and tried to feel him. I picked up his cologne and sniffed it. He loved wearing this particular scent, delicious fresh blueberry scent. I sprayed some on the shirt.
It felt as if he was hugging me. Cuddling me.
I had a feeling it was going to be a long night.
Five hours later
I woke up, dry mouthed and glanced at the clock. Three-fifteen am. I lay beneath the quilt in the darkness, my heart racing. I rolled over in bed and felt his agonizing empty space. My Eli is gone. Tears rolled down the sides of my cheeks. I can't stand much more of this. I should have taken tranquilisers to dull the fear and agony.
I parted the window and stared outside, my eyes too exhausted, hoping to see Eli drive up and get out of his car. He would see me at the window and wave, tired, still smiling as if this was all just a nightmare and my life was not shattered. It seemed as if I was not going to wake up even though I'd try hard. It would not be enough. I was trapped endlessly in this nightmare.
It rained outside and the trees swayed. I moved behind the curtain quickly as soon as I caught a slight movement by the gates. Cautiously, I peered out again to look at the tall and dark silhouette. The street lamp, being faulty, could not make the familiar male's face. A neighbor recently filed a complaint about not having a clear visibility and yet it was not repaired. He stepped forward and stayed still for a few seconds, staring straight at me at the window.
Eli.
I twirled around and raced barefoot downstairs.
He is alive. He's come back home to me. My Eli.
"Eli" I shouted with excitement as I flung open the front door.
My body shivered with the coldness entering inside. Tears filled my eyes. I sprinted to the gates, out the streets to yell his name again and again. My heart pounded in my chest, anxious. The night was silent except I could hear the rain pouring and the wind stirring the leaves and branches. I ran along the narrow muddy path across the street again and looked desperately for him. I yelled his name again and was met with silence. My feet hurt. My head was hurting, thinking about possible negative outcomes. My heart thudded unpleasantly and my stomach twisted and churned. All I could see was houses all around. My own house lit up with the front door wide open.
"Eli! Where are you?" I whispered with my breaths coming into gasps.
I shoke wet strands of hair out of my face and sobbed while falling down on my knees helplessly. The void and the ache came back.
"Please come back" my voice could barely be recognized.
"Why are you doing this? You're hurting me so much" I cried.
"Stop hurting me please. I love you Eli" I desperately sobbed.
13 October 2020
The soft warm rays of the sun woke me, already shining. I opened my eyes slowly, squinting them to adjust to the sunlight pouring in through the tall window into the bedroom. The other side of the bed was empty. He woke up earlier. Blinking away the sleep from my eyes, I let my vision wander to look over for Eli. There he stood shirtless in his pants at the balcony, unveiling before me a full view of his body, he chiseled with workouts. A smile spread across my lips. Suddenly, the curtains swayed with the wind. He shivered and adjusted the curtain to close the window.
Cute!
His side profile was so attractive. Having lived here for a few months, we made it a home. Our small house was perfect for the two of us. At first, I thought this relationship would be downhill. I was definitely wrong. Never knew the man I liked from afar would be mine until now. Always treating me right and respecting my boundaries. How not to love him? I wish we could always get to live a peaceful life. While getting off the bed, I took the sheets wrapped around my naked body together with me and I walked up to him. Each step I took towards him made me smile brighter until my cheeks started to hurt.
His eyes never left mine as I approached him. My tresses fell in between his fingers as his hand was in my hair, stroking it gently. His scent shut down my senses. Then, I felt it. His soft and moist lips were pressed against the delicate flesh of my neck gently. He bestowed another heated kiss to my skin. Scorching hot, it burnt my skin. I had been this vulnerable with him. He knew it and liked the way my body responded to his touch. I wanted nothing more than this moment to be tattooed in my heart. It is so heavenly. My fingers held on the sheets in front of my breasts so it wouldn't fall down.
"Did you sleep well, Sugar?" he murmured against my skin.
"I did"
I felt chills. His lips caressed my ear lobe before he grazed it softly with his teeth. Peppering me with light kisses along my lobe, he leaned down even more and picked me up from the ground. He was warm. Pulling away, slowly, I raised my right hand, my fingertips touching the scar on his chest, on the soft sun-kissed skin lightly, my eyes pinned to the cicatrix. My heart swells at the sight. Suddenly, he grasped my wrist. I admired his hand. He brought our estranged hands to his chest, laying my hand against his beating heart.
Now, my whole palm laid on his chest, bouncing up and down slowly as his heart was beating against his chest wall. It was racing just as fast as mine. It was the most beautiful feeling in the world to feel our heartbeat in sync. He put me down, his one hand still holding my waist.
As his fingers let go and no longer encircled mine, I dragged my fingers down his hot skin, earning a shuddering breath from him. His muscles tightened over his abdomen till they reached his waistline. Raising my eyes, my gaze locked with his. When I realized it, our faces were merely inches away, staring into his brown eyes. His soft hazel bangs, strands of them falling in front of his eyes. We breathed on each other's lips. I blinked my eyes and the moment I opened it, he was not in front of me anymore. I was imagining him again.
I looked at the text again.
Eli♡:
Don't look for me. I've never been more certain about anything than my feelings for you. I shall always carry the memories of the precious moments we lived together, your smile, your laugh with me. The feeling of never going to see you again breaks me. I'm glad I'm not there at the moment to see the tears leaving your eyes. That would just break me more. I love you more than anything. This text may be the last you'll hear from me, Sugar!
Panic built inside. I couldn't believe this nightmare was happening. A shattering pain crept inside my mind. Something was clutching my heart and I couldn't breathe normally. My vision got blurry. The words that I've just read echoing in my head, as my mind replayed every memory I had of my man. I started losing ground under my feet. I kneeled down, closing my eyes. When suddenly a voice whispered softly into my ears.
"Tired already" the voice my ears have been desperate to hear, his beautiful voice, so soft and gentle.
And I opened my eyes, slowly turning to face him.
He sat next to me and stroked my hair fondly as if I was his most precious possession. His smile extended to his eyes. It lighted his eyes and spread into every part of him as his lips curved upwards. In his eyes was warmth and a glow tinged with reflection of light, in their loving-brown showing how genuine his smile was. It was beautiful. It made everything alive. As such, he was the perfect companion, the perfect hand to hold.
Looking hot and yet cute. His scent lurked around. I never once got sick of his smell. A peaceful smile stretched across my lips.
This hurts so bad.
He is not real! He broke up with me. He didn't even give me a chance to make everything right between us. He simply gave up on something we worked on and nurtured for so long... Our love!
Tears rolled down my cheeks as I was catching my breath, crying again. I can't count how many times I've cried in this same room for the same reason. Gripping my blanket from the bed, I buried my face into it. The fabric of my blanket, already stained with my old tears, absorbed my tears. Trying to calm down was hard but I had to. I gasped for air. The cold air made my nose jelly and descended down my throat.
He is gone! Why couldn't you fight for me if you really love me? You just had to stay with me! You claim to love me more than anyone else in this world and yet my cries and pain are not reaching your heart.
Pulling out a blade from one of the drawers, I brought it to my arm. His eyes always looked at me with such adoration. This can't be a lie right! He loved me so hard.
He lost interest in me.
I didn't know what I was thinking. The blade penetrated my skin, tearing it apart so blood came out. It amazed me how a blade can cut open your skin smoothly with little or no pressure. It made me feel alive.
I skipped my meal. Nothing pleased me anymore. The food felt stale and like vomit. I marked up my arms which was painfully pleasant with a sadistic smile spreading on my lips. He created this insane and depressed woman. Dragging my feet, I plopped down onto the sofa. I never saw myself as irrational. What was I doing? Letting my grief swallow me whole. This wouldn't bring him back to me. Life goes on. I can't fall into depression again.
What really worsened my pain was that I never had someone to turn to after a fall. I could never bring myself to burden Xander with the harsh reality. Those struggles and how much of an emotional drain it was to embrace myself every time I felt weak. Living amidst responsibilities, Eli had been the shoulder I could lean on. An awful feeling washed over me.
You've been dumped, get over it! It's been days already.
I dialed his number for the hundredth time. It was directed to his voicemail.
Eli speaking. If it's my girl, I'll call you back sugar. I love you three million more. And guys! Busy at the moment.
It repeated the same thing;
Leave a message after the beep!
I cleared my throat anxiously, sweating.
Hey It's me. I hope I'm not the last person you want to hear from right now. I guess I was just calling to check if you are doing okay because I'm not. I'm missing you. Life is really hard without you. Within a split second, you were gone and I've been waiting for a while now. Then, I figured you wouldn't come back. Maybe, I'm the one stupid here for believing I could mean something to you. I was nothing... nothing worth for at least a pathetic excuse from your side but a replaceable piece in your fucking life. I'm just leaving this voicemail since I really can't stop thinking about you. I won't walk away from you like you did. Would you have waited on me and cried for me if I was the one to leave? You know that I'm always there if you need me. I love you!
My life before this moment suddenly seemed perfect. I was just shut off, undeserving of an explanation. But my heart keeps repeating the same thing over and over.
I thought about how much I love Eli. I thought about how much he matters to me. I thought about how I am addicted to him. I thought about how he used to make me happy and pleasure me. He was my home.
He is now a home that no longer exists!
He'll come back for me soon. I'll wait a little more and I'll keep on waiting until he's back to me since we're under the same sky.
I'll hold onto my hope and my trust in you, Eli. No one knows you better than me. I've lived with you and breathed the same air as you for so long. I had felt your love!