"–You're kind of annoying, I suppose."
"–You're despicable."
"–You smell like a witch."
※ ※ ※ ※ ※ ※ ※ ※ ※
Those voices in his head clung to him like recurring nightmares.
For no clear reason, they were slowly driving him insane under the weight of accumulating trauma.
His trust in others dwindled bit by bit.
He grew aware of the dangers that permeated the mansion.
Then – a flash of silver-white hair caught his eye. It was the half-elf who'd been by his side only days earlier, after he'd passed out from a chest wound.
"Subaru-kun! How are you feeling?"
Her calm demeanor eased his tension for a moment, and he replied with a warm smile on his face.
"Oh! Emilia-tan… good morning to you too."
She smiled back, her face lighting up like the sun. Subaru felt as if his love for her would last forever.
"Yes, good morning. But you seem off today."
Subaru's smile faded almost instantly.
"–I seem off?"
He pointed to himself, and Emilia nodded.
"Yeah. I can sense something… unusual in how you're acting."
He let out a hesitant chuckle, scratching the back of his head.
"Right, well… I'm just amazed at how cute you are, Emilia-tan! I can't think about anything but you!"
Emilia laughed playfully at his flirtation, but her connection to miasma told her he wasn't entirely truthful – yet she couldn't quite pinpoint what he was feeling. Even Puck would have said the same.
"Uh-huh… I'm flattered, but are you really okay?"
Subaru gently patted her shoulder.
"–I'm fine."
But she'd long known Subaru struggled with his mental state. In fact, she could barely begin to fathom what he was going through – whether it was pain, or something far more devastating. Dread clouded his features as he wrestled with how to confront his own ability, and the endless loops of the future that bound him. He couldn't help but wonder if he'd ever truly be happy again.
Even with Emilia beside him, reality felt impossible to grasp. He relived every single death he'd endured, one after another – the silent torment pushing him closer to a version of himself he couldn't bear. As his mind began to drift away, Emilia stepped forward and placed her warm hands on his back.
"Subaru-kun! Are you okay?"
He snapped back to the present, lifting his head to meet her bright, caring gaze.
"Emilia-tan…"
"Yes? What's wrong, Subaru-ku…"
He broke down in tears, collapsing onto her lap. She was startled, but immediately grew concerned, gently patting his head.
"Subaru-kun… this is so sudden. What's gotten into you? Do you have a headache? A stomach ache? Or maybe a–"
His sobs were heavy and heartfelt – so much so that the pink-haired short maid noticed, rushing over while still holding her gardening shears.
"It seems Barusu hasn't been faring well. Get him to his room – he'll calm down once he's in a quiet, comfortable space."
"Right! I'll carry him!"
Summoning all her strength and resolve, she lifted Subaru and headed toward the mansion entrance. She climbed the spiral staircase, each step feeling endless as fatigue began to set in. At last, she reached the right floor and hallway, opening the unusually ornate wooden door to his room – where his queen-sized bed sat waiting.
"Alright, Subaru-kun. Rest well."
She spoke softly as she laid him down, giving his head one final gentle pat before walking out and closing the door behind her.
※ ※ ※ ※ ※ ※ ※ ※ ※
With a sharp gasp, Subaru finally woke up after hours of rest, glancing over his body to confirm he wasn't dead. Then he remembered – he'd broken down and cried on Emilia's lap, feeling like nothing more than a coward. He'd always acted so selfish and reckless, fully aware that he was just an ordinary human with no special powers to speak of.
Night after night, he'd struggled to come to terms with the harsh reality his "power" had forced upon him. Even after throwing himself from a cliff to save Rem, doubt still pricked at his nerves – leaving him wondering if he truly regretted his choice.
His thoughts were tangled and hard to put into words, so he spoke in a quiet, hollow tone.
"–I'm tired."
He repeated the line.
And he repeated it again.
And again.
Over and over, until his voice faded into silence – just as one of the maids entered to check on him. It was Ram, the pink-haired maid, carrying a cup of fresh hot tea.
"Oh. You're awake."
Her demeanor was calm and cool, yet Subaru felt a wave of ease wash over him as she approached. He took the tea from her hands and sipped it slowly, letting the warm, soothing flavor settle in his chest. When he'd finished, he set the cup on the smooth wooden table beside his bed and looked up at her.
"Were you taking care of me while I was asleep? Well… I guess I should say thanks for looking after me. Though I do have to ask – how is Emilia?"
Even with all the responsibilities and burdens weighing on him, his first concern was still for her. He didn't realize, though, that this love was slowly fraying as his sanity slipped further away. Ram gave him a steady, reassuring reply.
"Do not worry, Barusu. She is well – though she's been fretting over you ever since you wore yourself out crying like that."
"I suppose you're right about that…"
He scratched the back of his head, his gaze drifting to a knife lying beside his bed. Why is that here? he wondered. Then voices began to whisper in his mind – urging him to kill, to maim, to lose himself completely. His hand drifted toward the blade before he snapped back to his senses at the sound of a familiar voice.
"Subaru-kun!"
He hadn't expected her to visit so soon, even though she'd come to see him often these past days.
"Oh, hey Emilia-tan…"
She threw her arms around him in a tight hug, her worry for him plain to see. She couldn't stop thinking about why he'd suddenly burst into tears in front of her – to Subaru it was embarrassing, but to her it was heartbreaking. She was used to the bright, energetic Subaru she'd grown to care for, and the thought of him crying like that again filled her with unease.
"You worried me so much… Puck kept telling me to come check on you, again and again! But I'm so glad to see you're doing alright now, Subaru-kun…"
A little ways off, Ram stood watching them both – until her eyes fell on the knife beside the bed. Terror flashed across her face as she stepped back, her gaze narrowing with suspicion as she focused on Subaru.
"Barusu."
Emilia and Subaru turned to look at her, but Ram's eyes were fixed on the dark, unsettling glint in his own.
"Did you… plan to kill us from the very beginning?"
Both of them were shocked – especially Subaru, when she spotted the knife beside him. Without a second thought, Ram unleashed a burst of wind toward him. Luckily, he dodged just in time, scrambling out the door and sprinting down the hallway as he shouted to clear up the misunderstanding.
"Ram! I swear I never had any intention of hurting you!"
But she wasn't about to believe him so easily. Shouting out her incantation, she cried:
"El Fura!"
He kept running, knowing that turning back would mean certain death at her hands. Then, rounding a corner, he collided with the blue-haired maid – accidentally shoving her aside and making her spill all the food she'd been bringing for him.
"Ow…"
Ram immediately rushed to her sister's side, helping her stand as she picked through the broken plates scattered on the floor.
"Are you alright, sister?..."
"Yes… I'm fine."
But Subaru didn't stop running. Even though he knew fleeing might bring terrible consequences – maybe even death – he didn't look back once.
※ ※ ※ ※ ※ ※ ※ ※ ※
The run felt endless, his heart pounding so hard he thought it might burst through his chest. Thankfully it didn't, and he finally stopped to catch his breath just outside the mansion, staring out at the scenery to steady himself. That's when someone approached with a wide, unsettling smile.
"Oh myyyy – what a pleasant surprise!"
With long midnight-blue hair and a clown-like appearance, it was none other than Roswaal L. Mathers, who'd apparently come to find him.
"It seems you've run off. Well… if that's the case, you'd best leave the mansionnnnn before things grow a little more climatic…"
His voice was calm but carried a clear threat. Subaru turned and walked away without another word, carrying nothing but his phone and a few backup tools he'd tucked away earlier.
As night fell, he settled to sleep in the woods – only to jolt awake at a sudden sound.
"Huh? Who–"
A pack of wolves stood before him, circling slowly. Their eyes glinted with vicious hunger, saliva dripping from their jaws as they sized him up, deciding who would get the first bite.
"What the hell – I just woke up!–"
Before he could even begin to think of a plan, they attacked. They tore into him while he was still alive, carefully avoiding fatal organs to keep him conscious as he writhed in unbearable agony. They bit him piece by piece, leaving him fully aware as his insides tore apart and his skin ripped from his body. He cried tears of blood and sweated blood from the sheer torment – feeling nothing but pain, again and again – until, in one final blurry moment, the wolves devoured his head whole.
※ ※ ※ ※ ※ ※ ※ ※ ※
Subaru jolted upright in bed, gasping for air as he panicked, looking wildly around the room. The two maids stood nearby, holding hands and watching him with a mix of wariness and concern.
"Sister, sister… did you see that?"
"Yes, sister – I did."
And then Subaru screamed, his voice raw with agony.
"What the hell?..."
That was the only word Subaru could manage to mutter before he vomited onto the bed. Rem and Ram rushed to his side – Ram quickly heading out to fetch tissues to clean up the mess.
"Are… are you okay?!"
The blue-haired maid's face was etched with worry and confusion; the sudden bout of sickness had startled both her and her sister. Subaru stared blankly at her, making her flinch slightly in unease.
"I'm so tired…"
I'm so tired
I'm so tired
I'm so tired
I'm so tired
I'm so tired
I'm so tired
I'm so tired
I'm so tired
I'm so tired
I'm so tired
I'm so tired
I'm so tired
I'm so tired
I'm so tired
I'm so tired
I'm so tired
I'm so tired
I'm so tired
I'm so tired
I'm so tired
I'm so tired
I'm so tired
I'm so tired
I'm so tired
I'm so tired
I'm so tired
I'm so tired
I'm so tired
I'm so tired
He repeated the words over and over, his sanity slipping away with every breath – until he finally collapsed, unconscious from the sheer weight of his torment.
※ ※ ※ ※ ※ ※ ※ ※ ※
"Aha––"
In the shadow realm, he laughed maniacally – as if his mind had already broken completely. But somewhere deep inside, he was still there. He couldn't bear the endless cycle of pain he'd endured, couldn't bring himself to walk a path stained with sin – yet he regretted every single choice he'd ever made.
– I will always love you.
A faint voice echoed through the darkness, drawing closer to him with each passing moment. A hand reached out toward him, and the voice spoke again:
– No matter what, I'll always love you.
Before he could feel its touch, Subaru jolted back to consciousness in his bed. His eyes held a strange, renewed intensity – almost manic – as he looked at the two maids, who were once again holding hands tightly. Did I die…? he wondered, staring at his own hands in confusion. Did I lose my mind and die because of it?
Without a word, he swung his legs over the edge and left the room before either maid could voice their concerns. He didn't care about worrying them anymore – he just wanted to live a normal life. But he knew that was impossible; danger always lurked around every corner.
He kept glancing back over his shoulder as he made his way slowly down the mansion's hallways, until he found himself in the kitchen by accident. There, he saw Rem preparing a meal for their master, Roswaal.
"Rem…"
She turned at the sound of his voice, a gentle smile on her face.
"Oh! Hi there – I didn't see you come in…"
His gaze drifted to a knife on the counter – nearly identical to the one that had been beside his bed in his previous life. It was as if the blade itself was trying to push him toward violence, whispering thoughts of murder in his mind.
"Excuse me?"
Rem called out to him, but he didn't respond. The idea of killing had taken root in his thoughts – a terrible conflict raging within him between sparing the sisters and doing something unthinkably cruel. He stood frozen, still torn between the two choices, as Rem watched him with growing concern, wondering what could be troubling him so deeply.