Tuesday, 11th December.
The day that I die.
Who would have thought that I will be ending my very short life at the ripe age of 22? Never could have been my 5 years old kid.
What happens, you ask? Might very well we go through again in this 3 seconds of flashback when I'm dying. Alone, at that.
It started when I was a child. A good child. No, a good girl like the adults always say. Sitting tight when supposed to, talking when I have to but I was a bright child too.
Just… never can surpass the older siblings.
At the age where children should have been active with friends, dilly dally everyday and have fun… then there's me, sitting alone at home. Waiting for my parents to come back home and play with me.
So here's the quick question, what could possibly a 5 year old kid doing alone at home? Playing alone? Sure if they have toys but some kid with none?
I grabbed the knife. In the kitchen. Pointing at own neck, stomach and hearts. Trying to figure out which one hurt less.
Then stop. Putting it back where I got it and just keep zoning out as my tears rolled down.
A coward I would say but very brave of her to want to end her own life at an early age.
The cause? You guessed it.
Loneliness.
Back when I'm only sitting down on stairs, zoning out, thinking what could have been done that day alone, then comes my father. Give me money to buy something and off to do his thing.
Now here's the thing. Our family is not too poor but we are always short on money or at least, that's what I remember at that time.
I was six. With the money given, I go to buy candies since eating at least makes up for the emptiness I feel. But nah, loneliness ain't one to disappear forever.
Again, the thought of offing myself became an option but this time the method was to suffocate oneself and that… was a failure.
Because of fear within myself. Again, a coward but brave action.
Then, I kept living on and on. Listening to people inside out. Whether I like it or not.
There used to be a time when I cried all day, bawling my heart out only to be told that I'm a spoiled-brat.
Genuinely… I hate this family.
I look up to every person I have as a kid. Either my parents, older siblings or friends.
I used to be so talkative to ease out the feeling of emptiness inside only to be shut down by a disappointment from people around me.
Sure, life isn't easy but why would a kid know all that too early? I thought this family is well kept together. No?
Alright, my fault. Being the youngest didn't really help much. It feels like a burden at this point.
At a younger age, I was thirsty for attention. I want people to know me but when I hit the age of puberty, everything's gone.
I became quiet. No longer wanting attention. The thoughts came, I should be independent.
The age of new electronics came. I was happy. Genuinely.
Stuck to it 24/7. Why?
Online friends.
But, that didn't last longer either. By the time I hit 17, the covid came. The exams are too.
I was stressed but put up a facade. Hey, being a clown is not half bad, you know. Especially to your own self.
I hit a plateau.
Zoning out to remembering things that have happened before.
One. Almost got into incest, once.
Two, being blamed for being a kid and stupid at that as I didn't know shit as adults know.
Three, I've got no friends. Those childhood friends? Fell over.
Fourth, lose my faith in religion. Once, I picked it up, all feeling great only to be crushed, yet. Again. But, religion is not something I should fall apart with.
Fifth, the suicidal thoughts never leave me be. Either I'm alone or with people, I'd find a way to sever ties with my own body.
Sixth, should I just kill myself?
"Ma'am? Can you hear me?"
Oh? The light heats.
I heard the ambulance siren too. The eyes are too heavy to be opened but move the eyeball as it responds to that calling.
"Alright, stay with us ma'am, we'll get you to proper treatment soon."
A steady woman's voice. A rattled bed stroller I'm in. Chaotic sirens, and people murmurs.
Smells like something burning too. Did it light up? The house, I mean.
"How's the patient's heart rate?" Fast and cold male voice. Heard from right.
My body feels tingled and hurts. Damn it hurts. I could smell blood. My ear is ringing as if the machine near me hasn't blown it off already.
Am I in the ambulance already? How fast these health workers work.
Hearing the siren goes loud makes my head pound harder. Those talks between people are being mashed together. I could hear nothing.
Can't I die already?