SCENE: JERRY'S APARTMENT - DAY
(The apartment is quiet. JERRY, GEORGE, and ELAINE are sitting in the living room, all staring intently at their phones. The only sounds are the various chirps, jingles, and musical stings of POKÉMON GO. Jerry swipes a few times with a bored expression, then sighs and puts his phone face down on the coffee table. He looks at his friends, who are completely absorbed.)
JERRY
(To himself)
This is it. This is how society ends. Not with a bang, but with a series of frantic, downward swipes to catch a digital squirrel with a lightning tail.
(George groans in frustration, aggressively swiping at his screen.)
GEORGE
He got out again! I used a Razz Berry, I threw a curveball... what does this thing want from me?! It's a Pidgey! It's the rat of the sky! It should be grateful for the attention!
ELAINE
(Without looking up)
You have to wait for the circle to get smaller, George. It's all in the timing. Like everything else you've failed at.
GEORGE
I know the timing! The timing is my life slipping away one Great Ball at a time!
(KRAMER bursts in, holding his phone out like a divining rod. He's wearing fingerless gloves.)
KRAMER
Jerry, don't move! There's a Snorlax blocking your entire kitchen!
(Kramer pivots, pointing his phone at the kitchen entrance. He starts flicking his thumb wildly at the screen.)
KRAMER
(CONT'D)
Get in the ball! Get in the ball! C'mon, you corpulent phantom!
(Jerry picks up his phone, looks at the screen, and deletes the app. He puts the phone back down. George and Elaine haven't noticed. Kramer lets out a triumphant shout.)
KRAMER
(CONT'D)
Yes! He's in! Now, who's got any snacks? Battling a creature of that girth, it takes a toll.
[OPENING CREDITS & BASSLINE]
ACT ONE
SCENE: MONK'S DINER - DAY
(JERRY, GEORGE, and ELAINE are in their usual booth. Jerry sips his coffee. George and Elaine have their phones on the table next to them.)
GEORGE
I'm telling you, Jerry, the key is egg management. You can't just throw any old egg in the incubator. You gotta have a system. 2k eggs for the commute, 5k for a weekend stroll, and the 10k... well, the 10k you save for a moment of profound spiritual and physical motivation. Which, for me, is usually a desperate search for a public restroom.
JERRY
So you're hatching these things through panic and desperation. Sounds about right.
ELAINE
I'm finding it's a great way to filter people. I met a guy yesterday at a Pokéstop. Seemed normal, nice suit, good hair. Then he showed me his collection. It was all Zubats. A thousand Zubats. He called them his "children of the night." I walked.
JERRY
A "Zubat guy." You can't trust a Zubat guy. It shows a lack of ambition.
GEORGE
So what level are you now, Jerry? I just hit 23. Cleared a whole gym by myself this morning. The "Our Lady of Perpetual Sorrow" church. Seemed fitting.
(Jerry smirks, seeing an opportunity.)
JERRY
Oh, I don't know. Haven't checked in a bit.
(Jerry casually picks up his phone, pretends to open an app, and whistles.)
JERRY
(CONT'D)
Wow. Level 35.
(George's jaw drops. He snatches his own phone.)
GEORGE
Thirty-five?! How?! When did you have time to get to thirty-five? I see you all the time! Are you playing while you sleep?!
JERRY
(Shrugs)
What can I say? I'm a natural.
SCENE: JERRY'S APARTMENT - NIGHT
(KRAMER paces frantically in Jerry's living room. NEWMAN is sitting on the couch, eating from a bag of chips.)
KRAMER
It's a disaster, Jerry! The Central Park Invitational is tomorrow and my lineup is missing a key player. I've got the Dragonite, I've got the Gyarados, but I'm missing the muscle. The rock. I'm missing a Machamp with Cross Chop!
NEWMAN
A formidable specimen. Difficult to acquire. Requires a trade to evolve.
KRAMER
And you have one! I've seen it! That magnificent, four-armed brute. Newman, I need to borrow him. For the tournament.
NEWMAN
(Strokes his chin)
Borrow? Machamp is not a library book, Kramer. He is a champion. My champion. Trading him would leave me vulnerable. My entire postal route is a hotbed of Team Valor activity.
KRAMER
I'll give you something for collateral! My shiny Arcanine. He's a glorious, golden-fleeced canine of immense power!
(Newman's eyes light up.)
NEWMAN
Shiny, you say? Very well, Kramer. You have a deal. Meet me at the tournament. Columbus Circle. High noon. Don't be late. My Machamp... he gets anxious.
(Newman leaves. Kramer pumps his fist.)
KRAMER
The championship is mine!
ACT TWO
SCENE: MONTAGE - VARIOUS LOCATIONS IN NYC - DAY
(A jazzy, upbeat coffee-shop version of the Pokémon theme song plays.)
(KRAMER strides down a busy sidewalk, phone held high. He stops suddenly, causing a pile-up of people behind him, to catch a Pokémon.)
(KRAMER is at a hot dog stand, furiously tapping his phone screen while the vendor waits impatiently.)
(KRAMER is now in a heated Pokémon battle with a teenager on a street corner. They glare at each other from across the street.)
(A man in a striped shirt and mask (TEAM ROCKET MEMBER) runs past, clutching a money bag. A COP follows a few seconds later.)
COP
Hey! You! Did you see a guy run past here in a ridiculous outfit?
(Kramer glances at his phone. A notification reads: "Your second Pokémon has fainted." He looks up at the teenager, who gives him a cocky smirk. Kramer's eyes narrow. He turns back to the cop and points directly at the innocent teenager.)
KRAMER
That's him, officer! He's got the loot!
COP
Hey! Get back here!
(The cop runs across the street and tackles the stunned teenager. On Kramer's phone, a "YOU WIN!" message flashes on the screen. Kramer gives a satisfied nod and continues on his journey.)
SCENE: JERRY'S APARTMENT - DAY
TIME: 7:30 - 9:00
(Jerry is reading the newspaper. George bursts in, haggard. His eyes are bloodshot and he's clutching his phone.)
GEORGE
(Frantic)
You're level 45?! How is that even possible? You've been playing, what? A couple of weeks? I've been up for 72 hours straight! I took a bus to Philadelphia because I heard there was a Dratini nest in a public fountain! I battled a group of twelve-year-olds for control of the Liberty Bell! And I'm still only level 38!
(Jerry calmly folds his newspaper.)
JERRY
(Shrugs)
Gotta catch 'em all.
(Jerry playfully punches George's arm. George just stares, twitching.)
GEORGE
"Gotta catch 'em all." He says "Gotta catch 'em all." It's not a joke, Jerry! It's a way of life!
SCENE: COLUMBUS CIRCLE - TOURNAMENT - DAY
(Dozens of people are gathered, all staring at their phones. KRAMER arrives, beaming with confidence. He finds NEWMAN sitting on a bench, looking utterly dejected.)
KRAMER
Newman! What happened!? I came here for a battle of titans!
NEWMAN
(Sighs)
I don't wanna talk about it.
KRAMER
I thought you had the perfect team! The Machamp! My Arcanine!
(Newman stands up, agitated.)
NEWMAN
I did! But then...
(He hunches over and taps his fingers together conspiratorially.)
NEWMAN
(CONT'D)
There was a little mishap.
KRAMER
(Rolls his eyes)
And?
NEWMAN
I had sabotaged the tournament by trading hacked Pokémon to all the players, pretending to be a friendly newb looking for their favorite Pokémon... those fools... and yet!
(Newman turns around dramatically, hands behind his back.)
NEWMAN
(CONT'D)
I seem to be the fool.
KRAMER
Alright, alright, just spit it out already.
NEWMAN
I forgot to change my Original Trainer name! So when the judges disqualified everyone for using illegal mons, they all knew they came from me! Me, Newman!
KRAMER
Great, great, well can I at least have my Arcanine back? My shiny Arcanine?
(Newman looks away, sweating.)
NEWMAN
...eugh. About that. I might have... turned it into candy when I lost my first match. For the power-up.
(Newman starts running.)
KRAMER
(Voice cracking)
C-ca-ca-c-NEWMAN!
(Kramer takes off after him, weaving through the crowd of confused trainers.)
SCENE: JERRY'S APARTMENT - NIGHT
(Jerry is on the couch. Elaine storms in.)
ELAINE
That's it. I'm done. I met another guy. A charming investment banker. We go for a walk, everything is great. Then he says, "Let's put a lure down." And for the next thirty minutes, we just stood on a street corner in silence, catching Rattatas. It's the most efficient, least romantic dating method ever invented.
(George stumbles in, looking completely broken. He collapses into the armchair.)
GEORGE
It's over. I can't do it. I hired a kid to ride my bike around to hatch my eggs. I bought three external battery packs. My thumb has tendonitis. And you... you're probably level 50 by now. The chosen one. The Pokémon master.
(Jerry sighs. He can't keep it up.)
JERRY
George... I have to tell you something. I haven't played since the first day. I deleted the app.
(George slowly lifts his head. His expression shifts from exhaustion to confusion, then to pure, undiluted rage.)
GEORGE
You... what?
JERRY
It was boring.
GEORGE
LEVEL 45?! PHILADELPHIA?! THE LIBERTY BELL?!
(Just as George is about to explode, the door flies open and KRAMER runs in, followed closely by NEWMAN. They do a full lap around the living room.)
KRAMER
YOU TURNED HIM INTO CANDY, NEWMAN! HE WAS A GOLDEN GOD!
NEWMAN
IT WAS A MOMENT OF WEAKNESS!
(They run out of the apartment. Jerry, George, and Elaine watch them go. George turns back to Jerry, the rage still building.)
GEORGE
WE ARE GOING TO TALK ABOUT THIS!
[CLOSING CREDITS & BASSLINE]
SCENE: STAND-UP STAGE
JERRY
So we're all running around town, chasing these little cartoon monsters on our phones. It's the only time you see a grown man in a suit sprint through a park and the first reaction isn't "he stole a purse." It's "Oh, he must be after a Vaporeon." We're all collecting. Because what is life but a series of collections? You collect stamps, you collect coins, you collect grievances against your friends who lie to you about their Pokémon level. The point is, you gotta catch 'em all. Because if you don't, you might have to catch up on your actual life. And who has the battery for that?
[END]