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"The Emperor Protects (But The Group Chat Provides)"

He doesn't remember his birth name. He doesn't remember Earth, or sunlight that wasn't filtered through a dying star, or what food tasted like before corpse starch. What he DOES remember is ten thousand years of unending war, approximately 2.3 million confirmed xenos kills, and the correct prayer to recite while field-stripping a bolter. So when a mysterious "Dimensional Chat System" appears in his helmet HUD during a routine Tyranid purge, Brother-Marine [DESIGNATION CORRUPTED] assumes it's Chaos trickery and ignores it for three hundred years. He finally opens it by accident while headbutting a Daemon Prince. What follows is the galaxy's most traumatizing group chat: [ORANGE_HOKAGE has entered the chat] [KAKAROT_STRONGEST has entered the chat] [GENIUS_BILLIONAIRE has entered the chat] [LAST_SON has entered the chat] Featuring: Naruto sending shadow clone jutsu scrolls and immediately regretting it when MC creates ten thousand copies of himself, each one equally dead inside Goku excitedly asking about MC's "power level" and going completely silent for six hours after hearing a detailed description of Chaos corruption Tony Stark having a complete mental breakdown upon seeing Mechanicus technology ("WHY IS IT POWERED BY HUMAN SUFFERING?! WHY DOES IT HAVE A PRAYER WHEEL?! WHY IS THE MACHINE SPIRIT ANGRY AT ME PERSONALLY?!") Superman listening to ten millennia of atrocities and simply saying "You did what you had to. I'm proud of you." (MC.exe has stopped responding) Sasuke joining later and immediately logging off after MC casually shares pict-captures of Slaaneshi daemons ("My trauma is a JOKE compared to this") Vegeta attempting to claim Saiyan superiority, then slowly going quiet as MC lists his campaign history, ending with: "You had a REDEMPTION ARC? You got a FAMILY? You experienced PERSONAL GROWTH?!" Batman trying his usual intimidation tactics: DARK_KNIGHT: I've stared into the abyss. [DESIGNATION_CORRUPTED]: I have exterminated seventeen abysses. The nineteenth is scheduled for next rotation. Your parents died? I have failed to save nine hundred billion parents. Your city is corrupt? I have virus-bombed twelve planets that were LESS corrupt than Gotham. You refuse to kill? I have killed so many that the Administratum's cogitators crashed attempting to file the paperwork. You dress as a bat? I have eaten creatures that ATE bats for sustenance during the Siege of— DARK_KNIGHT has left the chat DARK_KNIGHT has rejoined the chat DARK_KNIGHT: ...I'm going to fund an orphanage. The Avengers treating his war stories as "Yeah, that tracks, we had a Tuesday like that once" The Harem that accumulates despite (because of?) his complete emotional deadness: A Sororitas who finds his kill count "spiritually inspiring" An Eldar Farseer who foresaw him and STILL made bad decisions An Ork Warboss (female?) who just keeps following him screaming "GOOD FIGHT" Several female heroes from the chat who are "fixing him" (he remains unfixed) An Adeptus Mechanicus Magos who wants to "study his modifications" (this is Tech-Priest flirting) MC receiving gifts like Senzu Beans (immediately requisitioned by the Apothecary), Iron Man armor upgrades (the Machine Spirit either loves it or declares it heresy—50/50), and Kryptonian DNA (Inquisition would like to know your location) Tags: Crack Treated Seriously, Everybody Lives (Except The Enemies), Therapy Through Violence, Chat Fic, OP MC Who Doesn't Care That He's OP, Harem But MC Has Negative Rizz, Batman Roasting, Tony Stark Needs A Drink, Superman Being The Best Boy, Goku.exe Has Stopped Working, Fix-It But For Everyone Else's Perspective, The Emperor Provides WiFi Apparently "In the grim darkness of the far future, there is only war. But at least there's also memes."
Axecop333 · 1k Views