Li Ming only believed in three things which are;
The superiority of 5G,The importance of comfortable sweatpants, and The fundamental lie that getting out of bed before 10 a.m. was ever a good idea.
He for one didn't believe in curses, cultivation, or cosmic bureaucracy.
Which was why he was currently leaning over the counter of his café (The Grindhouse) using the handle of a perfectly good antique silver spoon to scratch at the crust of dried, ancient paint on his latest regret purchase: a squat, hideous espresso machine the color of oxidized copper and poorly aged blood. It looked less like an appliance and more like a captured demon trying to pass as kitchen décor.
"That is gold, Alex," wheezed Mrs. Choi from the garage sale.
She always called him Alex, despite the huge signboard outside that said LI MING'S CAFE.
"Real Italian antique! Came straight from an estate sale on the coast."
"The coast of what, Mrs. Choi? Mordor?"
Still, he'd paid fifty bucks for it because his current machine leaked and he was too lazy to call a repairman.
"It needs a priest and a tetanus shot," he said to himself, scraping harder.
The café was silent as usual around 1pm on a Tuesday. Li Ming's business strategy was simple: open a café, and wait for destiny.Unfortunately for him destiny was busy drinking at Starbucks.
He placed the espresso machine onto the counter, he flinched as the tile cracked under the weight.
"Okay, you demonic relic," he sighed, dusting his hands off on his sweatpants. "Let me see if you can at least boil water without sacrificing my immortal soul."
He fished out the coiled plug, which was thick and slightly greasy, and plugged it into the socket with unnecessary aggression.
ZZZZZZZT. K-KRACK-BOOM!
This wasn't just an electric failure it sounded more like the opening of the ninth gate of hell, featuring an electric harp solo.
Lights flickered. The air pressure dropped. A low hum sound started from the machine, rising into a high-pitched whine that felt less auditory and more existential. It sounded like a thousand tiny monks arguing over a dying Wi-Fi router.
The cursed machine began glowing violently. A blinding indigo light pulsed from within, the old copper shell peeling away like shedding skin.
Then, the walls cracked and the ceiling splitted into two.
A rift of pure, crackling light tore itself open directly above the espresso machine.
Li Ming hid behind the counter, covering his head with a laminated menu like a shield.
"OH MY GOD, MY WIFI! IS THIS THE RAPTURE? BECAUSE IF SO, THEY BETTER NOT MESH WITH MY SPECTRUM PLAN!"
The sound got huge BOOM!….the type of sound that makes one's ear scream. The environment smelled of flowers and mixtures of grass, expensive perfume.
Li Ming peeked over the counter and he regretted it immediately.
The espresso machine had become a pulsating and humming like it was alive. Before he could even finish swearing, the light surged and swallowed him whole.
"At least I won't have to deal with traffic anymore" he said
Li Ming woke to the smell of incense burning in the room and the uncomfortable realization that he was alive.
He blinked. The ceiling wasn't beige anymore. It was a dark, hand-carved wood, fancy asf. The sunlight reflection hit him in the face. The air smelled clean…almost aggressively so.
"This… is not Grindhouse or anywhere close to Grindhouse," he muttered.
He sat up feeling tired. His beloved sweatpants were replaced with a thick scratchy silk robes in an unflattering shade of green. His hair which was once stylishly messy was now tied in a complicated knot that screamed an ancient and very confused fashion week.
Before he could fully panic, a young girl appeared,wide-eyed, and armed with a feather duster like sword.
"Brother Ming! You are awake!" she gasped. "The Lady said you might sleep for three days again!"
"Brother… what now?"
"It is I, Jinzhu, your maid!"
"...Right. Sure. And I'm the CEO of Starbucks. Where am I?"
Jinzhu blinked, confused. "You jest again! You are home, of course within the Yu Residence of the Upper Celestial City."
"What's upper celestial city?" Li Ming muttered.
She tilted her head. "Has the head wound made you forget the Lady teaching? Should I get a physician?"
"No, no, no physician. I can't afford a physician girl." Jinzhu stood there looking confused but did not say anything
He stood up, looked out the window, and froze.
Outside stretched a sprawling courtyard filled with waterfalls, pagodas, and people flying. Like, actual levitation robes fluttering, swords glowing.
"Oh, this is fantastic," Li Ming breathed. "The espresso machine didn't just short-circuit my café, it brought me to another world."
He grabbed the shiny object next to him..a copper mirror. The reflection that stared back was him… but younger, sharper, and very handsome.
"Okay," he told his reflection. "You're in ancient China, in someone else's body. Step one: don't die. Step two: find Wi-Fi. Step three: sue the espresso company."
** Sisterly Menace and the Bureaucratic Betrothal**
The door opened widely
A tall woman in white robes swept in with enough grace to make gravity apologize. Her hair shimmered with jade pins, and her eyes radiated the kind of refined authority that made people straighten up out of instinct.
She looked familiar. Like someone who should've fallen through the rift into his café…
"Brother Ming," she said sharply. "You're finally awake."
Li Ming rubbed his eyes. "...Do I know you?"
"I am your elder sister, Yuya," she said, her tone sharp and sweet. "You missed morning meditation again. And Lady Cui said that you tried to climb the cultivation tower with your hands. What a shame."
Li Ming squinted. "Sister Yuya, huh. Tell me do you know anything about cursed espresso machines?"
Yuya frowned . "You speak madness again. Perhaps you struck your head harder than I thought."
"Yeah, well, my head's fine. My Wi-Fi isn't."
Yuya sighed. "Enough of your nonsense. The family's reputation cannot endure more scandals. You will obey the elders' decree and prepare for your betrothal to Prince Heng. The marriage ceremony is in three days."
Li Ming froze.
"I'm sorry," he said slowly, "did you just say Prince?"
"Yes. A great honor."
He stared at her, blank. "I think there's been a mixup somewhere."
"There is no mixup," she replied coolly. "The Imperial Decree was sealed in celestial jade."
Li Ming rubbed both hands through his hair. "Okay. Cool, cool, I hear ya but just to clarify 'Prince Heng' is male, correct?"
Yuya's frown deepened. "Of course."
"Right. So I've been here five minutes, and I'm already accidentally engaged to royalty because of a clerical error. Do I at least get health insurance?"
"What's Insurance?"
"Never mind." He rubbed his temples. "Look, this is a misunderstanding. I don't even like responsibility. Marriage sounds like a full-time job."
Yuya glared. "You will not bring shame upon our house."
"I'm already the family disappointment," he said brightly. "Let me excel at what I'm good at."
"Brother Ming!" she snapped. "You will obey!"
He sighed. "Sure, sure. But first, where's the coffee?"
"Co..fee?"
"The divine bean water of enlightenment."
Her eyes narrowed. "You grow stranger by the minute."
**The Bureaucratic Cliffhanger**
As Yuya stormed out, muttering about "re-educating" him, a panicked servant burst into the room.
"Lady Yuya! Urgent message from the Palace!"
Yuya turned to the servant. "What is it now?"
The servant bowed low. "The Royal Clerk says the betrothal scroll was signed…incorrectly. The Prince's name was written where the family pet's should be."
Yuya froze. "You mean….?"
"Yes, Lady! The decree now legally binds your brother… to the Crown Prince's peacock."
Li Ming's grin returned in full force. "Well," he said, folding his arms, "at least the bird's fabulous. Can I name it 'Karen'?"
Yuya pressed her temples as a vein visibly twitched. "Heaven save us all…"
Li Ming looked around the ornate chamber, sighed, and said, "Alright, new world, same chaos. Let's find that coffee."