Glaijai: Don't drink too much, little puppy.
P.Panli: Noted.
Glaijai: I'll message you after I'm done with work.
P.Panli : Okay. Make sure to rest your eyes and don't overwork yourself.
Glaijai: [sent a sticker]
I looked at the sticker of a fluffy white bunny with bright, clear eyes and the English word 'Okay' above its long ears before sending a sticker of a brown puppy surrounded by floating hearts to the other person.
Because of the beach trip, Glaijai has become so much more courageous that I was surprised myself. I never expected that he would confess his feelings for me first, despite having secretly loved me for so long. In truth, I had planned to confess my feelings to him first, intending to elevate our relationship to something more than just being close friends and to share some things I'd learned with him. I was merely waiting for the right time and opportunity. But Glaijai ended up confessing to me first.
So what I had planned to do changed. However, no matter who confessed first, the outcome remained the same. In the end, I could send the puppy sticker surrounded by little hearts to him without needing to cancel it out of hesitation. Before, I didn't dare to send it because I thought the timing wasn't right. But now, I'm glad I could send the sticker with small hearts to Glaijai without holding back anymore.
The hearts meant 'my heart' or 'I love you.' A heart I've defined with only these two meanings. No other meanings... and nothing beyond this. And because yesterday, both of us confessed the feelings we had been keeping inside, everything we talked about each day since has changed. However, it has shifted in a way that is clearer for the two of us... That now, we're exploring a relationship together, and our feelings are so transparent that we can now express them without keeping them hidden anymore.
'I miss the little puppy so much.'
Yes... last night, Glaijai put his feelings into that sentence.
'I miss you too. I wish I could come see my little rascal right now.' And of course... last night, I also expressed all my feelings to him. A white shirt was pulled from the closet before I hurriedly put it on, as I was already an hour late for my appointment. Tonight, I had to attend a farewell party for Till, who was heading back to China. The reason for my lateness was the accumulated fatigue from yesterday, which kept me bedridden all day. By now, all my friends were probably gathered at the bar.
Once dressed, I grabbed a newly purchased, expensive helmet and a gift bag containing a present for my close friend to take back to China. Till had mentioned wanting shoes of this brand a few days ago, so I decided to buy them for him. As I descended the stairs to the ground floor, I saw my nanny, who had raised me since I was a child, arranging flowers in a vase on the table in the hallway.
"Nanny, I'll be home late tonight. Don't wait up for me."
"Where are you going, Young Master?"
"I'm going to a farewell party for a friend who's heading back to China."
"Alright..." The nanny nodded lightly, glancing at me as I stopped in front of her. She raised her eyebrows, as if suddenly recalling something. "Young Master, tomorrow is Wednesday. Should I prepare milk and bread as usual?"
"Yes, but this time, make it plain milk, and the bread can be any type as long as it's sweet."
"Got it. I'll prepare it for you."
"Thank you, Nanny."
"Lately, have you been getting hungry during class, Young Master? Is that why you're bringing milk and bread to university?"
I smiled before replying, "I'm not bringing it for myself. I'm giving it to someone special who has early classes and barely has time for breakfast."
"Young Master has a boyfriend (faen) now?"
Her question made me grin widely. "Wait until he promote me to being his boyfriend first. Then I'll introduce him to you."
Seeing that the nanny was about to ask more questions, I waved goodbye and quickly left. If I stayed a second longer, I wouldn't make it to Till's farewell party tonight because the nanny would certainly interrogate me endlessly.
As I mounted the red Ducati motorbike I had owned for a while but rarely used, I thought about the plain milk and sweet bread I had asked the nanny to prepare. Tomorrow, I would have to wake up earlier than usual and leave home two hours before Glaijai's class began. Otherwise, he would find out that the one leaving milk and bread in his locker wasn't P'Dom.
It was me...
It had always been me.
It was never P'Dom, as Glaijai had thought.
After that day when we returned from the football match, and I learned that Glaijai often skipped breakfast on Wednesdays, the thought of wanting to give him something to eat before class popped into my head. But I knew well how considerate Glaijai was. If I, who he knew had afternoon classes, offered to bring him milk and bread every Wednesday morning, he would undoubtedly refuse without a second thought. That's because he wouldn't want to trouble me.
In the end, Glaijai would return to worrying about preparing breakfast and might even feel guilty on the days he forgot to eat, just as before. If that were the case, I wouldn't be helping him maintain good health as I had hoped. Instead, I would be adding to his emotional burden because I had already made decisions for him. So, I decided to call the person who brought us into each other's orbit.
I consulted P'Dom about what to do. He suggested secretly placing the items in the locker area near the mock-up room, as P'Dom had heard that Glaijai always had a Wednesday class there. P'Dom even went so far as to call and ask for Glaijai's locker number. Initially, P'Dom volunteered to deliver the milk and bread himself, as he already had morning classes. But I told him,
'As I've always said... I want to take care of Glaijai.'
'...'
'This thought... it's never changed.'
'...'
'So even though I won't let you deliver these to him... I have another favour to ask.'
'Go ahead...'
'I think Glaijai will suspect someone of leaving these things in his locker... and since you're the one who called to ask for his locker number, he'll definitely think it's you.'
'...'
'If Glaijai asks you about this... please tell him it was you.'
'...'
'If he finds out it's me, he'll feel bad and refuse, just as I said.'
'...'
'If I and Khun Glai could go further than this... far enough to understand why we need to take care of each other and with what feelings, I would confess this to him myself.'
'Yeah...'
'You understand me, right?'
'I've always understood you, Lee.'
'Maybe I've made you uncomfortable, keeping things from Glai. I'm sorry.'
'If the reason for keeping these things wasn't because you wanted to help my brother or take care of him, I'd probably feel uncomfortable... but because I know exactly why you're doing this, I'm willing to help.'
'Thank you, P'Dom.'
'I should be the one thanking you.'
'...'
'...Thanks for being something good in Glai's life.'
Truthfully... I think I should be the one saying that sentence, too, but not to P'Dom. I should save the sentence, 'Thank you for being something good in my life,' to say to GlaiJai.
When I think about my feelings for you, the good person you are, a smile forms beneath my helmet. I lower the amber visor and ride my motorcycle away from the house to attend Till's farewell party.
🌙🌙🌙
"If you're going to be this late... just wait to see me off at the airport tomorrow instead, Lee."
"I'm not your wife, so stop complaining," I say, throwing a paper bag containing a shoebox to my grumpy best friend. "Here."
"What... you're really giving me this?"
"I'm shoving it in your hands. What do you think, dumbass?"
I say before sitting across from Till, placing my helmet beside me to avoid it being stolen. Boss hands me a strong drink, but I shake my head and ask for just Coke. Thegroup's usual bartender raises an eyebrow, surprised. It's no wonder my friends are shocked; I never say no to this kind of thing.
"I'll just have Coke... no alcohol today."
"Am I hearing this wrong?" Till beams, staring at the dream shoes before looking up at me with a smirk. "Your future wife's orders, huh?"
"Not really... but I don't want to make him worry."
"At this point... fine, just stick to Coke," Boss says, handing me a glass.
"You rode your bike here?"
"Yeah..."
"What made you go back to riding a bike?"
"Probably tired of traffic, right, Lee? Bikes are more convenient, huh?"
"Almost right... but not entirely," I say, putting down the Coke I've just sipped. I explain to the group the reason I returned to motorcycling.
"Every Wednesday, Khun Glai has an early class and hardly any time for breakfast. I want to make sure he eats something before class, so I bring him food."
"..."
"But traffic's awful in the mornings. I'm worried I won't make it in time, so I switched to a bike."
"Lee... but don't you have an afternoon class on Wednesdays?" Boss asks, puzzled.
"Yeah."
"So, you're waking up early just to bring food to him?"
"Yeah, but I usually wake up early anyway. Now I just wake up two hours earlier on Wednesdays."
"Lee... you're going to do this forever, huh?" Till asks seriously.
I nod as soon as the question leaves his lips. My response isn't thoughtless. I've considered this deeply and decided long ago.
"Yeah... I'll always do this for Khun Glai."
"Okay, I want you as my husband... I'd even be your wife right now."
Till answers with the same seriousness, making both me and the entire group laugh.
"Have mercy on Lee. If you are his wife, it'd be chaos."
"How so, To? Watch it, asshole. I'm such a good friend, I'd be an even better wife!" I know Till doesn't mean what he says. He's just joking to make everyone laugh before leaving for China. But what I'm about to say isn't a joke. I truly mean it.
"If I don't have GlaiJai as my wife... I'll never take anyone as my wife."
"Woo-hoo!"
The thirty friends I once thought were too different to be a group all cheer together. But when it comes to teasing like this... they're always so in sync, aren't they?
"You haven't even confessed to him yet... how are you going to make him your wife, Lee?"
"I already confessed."
Boss widens his eyes before punching Till's arm hard. "You lied to me!"
"I didn't lie, okay?"
"You said Lee hasn't confessed yet. Were you twisting the truth, you jerk?"
I shake my head and say, "I'm starting to wonder if you're here for Till's farewell or to meddle in my business."
"Maybe others are here for Till, but I'm here because he said you'd tell us everything about you and that adorable someone."
"To!! You jerk, how could you say that? If Lee punches my face, you'll have to take responsibility."
"Till just used Lee's story to draw a crowd."
Hearing To say that and seeing Till's sheepish reaction, all I could say was,
"You're a bunch of shitty friends."
"Haha."
"Didn't you tell me you hadn't confessed your love yet? Then why did you confess? Was it because the atmosphere swept you up, just like I said?"
"I'm not the type to get carried away by the atmosphere like you."
"So, Lee is saying he's not the same kind of person as you, Till."
"No need to emphasize, you jerk."
"Can you guys shut up now? Lee, are you ready to tell us everything?"
Many pairs of eyes stared at me after Max, one of the quieter guys, spoke up. It wasn't surprising that this love story of mine had caught their interest. They all knew I hadn't been serious about anyone for a while. Especially this person who was also a man, all my friends probably wanted to know how this love came to be.
And how GlaiJai managed to make me fall in love. Regardless of him being a man like me. I nodded in response before saying, "Since you guys came this determined, ready or not, I have to be."
"Hahaha."
"Then start with the confession story. Let's clear things up one at a time."
"Good, good."
"The confession... Honestly, it's like Till told you."
"..."
"The reason I said I couldn't confess at that time was because I didn't think it was the right moment."
"..."
"We weren't alone there; several seniors were with us."
"..."
"But if you ask whether I could confess in a crowded situation like that... Honestly, I could. But there's more I want to say to him than just that I like or love him."
"..."
"I have so many things I need to take the time to discuss with him... That's why I thought if I were to confess, it had to be at the right time and place."
"..."
"Not just anytime or anywhere."
"..."
"But the reason I ended up confessing to Glai was because..." I paused to stifle a smile. The thought of his face and his voice, which had become so much more confident, brought a smile to my face. "...GlaiJai was the one who confessed first."
"Damn... That's so sweet," To murmured, raising both hands to cover his face like a shy girl too embarrassed to meet a man's gaze.
"Too much, man! Glai confessed to Lee, not you!"
"Haha."
"Can you guys not interrupt? I'm trying to listen to Lee," Max said, glaring at the other two before turning back to me. "Continue."
I nodded and said, "Actually, I was planning to confess to Glai soon. I had everything ready. But I didn't expect this trip to make him so much braver that he confessed first."
"..."
"Everything didn't go as I planned... but the result was just as I hoped."
"..."
I smiled before saying, "...That we both feel the same way."
"..."
"Even though we're not officially a couple yet, because he asked for more time to get to know each other, no matter how long it takes..." I smiled openly before continuing,
"I'm confident Glai won't leave me, and he'll definitely make me his boyfriend eventually."
"Now I get what To means... This is so sweet."
"See? And you said I was overreacting earlier."
"And all those things you said you wanted to talk to him about, have you told him yet?"
"Not yet... I plan to talk to him about it next week. Initially, I was going to do it this week, but I saw that Glai is busy, with school and organizing the open house. I'm just as busy myself. So, I want to wait until this hectic period is over... Then I'll talk to him when it's just the two of us."
"And if you find time to be alone with him this week... Would you tell him about your feelings?"
"It depends. I'm not dragging my feet or anything, but he's someone who takes school and work seriously. I just want him to focus on what he needs to do first. I don't want to distract him."
"Normally, you're not this patient. You're quick-tempered, think fast, and act fast...This must be really important for you to wait until the time is right."
"Of course, it's important... because it's all about feelings."
"Are you going to share this important story with us?"
"I will... I've already cleared the first story. This is the second one I'll tell you guys, so you can understand why I fell in love with GlaiJai."
"..."
Now everyone was silent, their eyes fixed on me. If I were an Olympic athlete, I'd probably feel pressured. But since I was just Panlee, Lee, and someone's moon, I didn't feel any pressure at all sharing my story. Letting everyone know how we got to this point. We had to use...Coincidence, time, Memories, feelings,
To weave them together into a relationship. And continue weaving every feeling from now on until it becomes 'love.'
"The story of GlaiJai and me might sound unlikely, but I'm grateful every day that everything brought me to him."
I paused, smiling softly as I looked at my friends, who were being attentive listeners, before I gathered my thoughts to recall past events. I carefully arranged the moments and memories to share through my perspective...
"Lee, have you checked out your own photos at the exhibition yet?... I heard from Phi Ball that the girls are all over your 'Lost in the Moonlight' photo."
"Not yet... I've been too busy."
"I'm not sure when the third-year seniors will take the photos down, so you better hurry and go see them."
"Alright..."
"I'm off. Got a date with a girl."
I smirked and nodded at my classmate, someone I had worked with many times before. "Drive safely, okay?"
"Sure thing."
After my friend left the classroom, I stood up from my chair. My black phone buzzed with messages from several girls in the faculty, which made me sigh. I slipped the phone into the back pocket of my pants. My best friend Boss, drunk and reckless, had given my LINE ID to a group of girls at a drinking party. Now, a flood of messages had me tempted to delete my LINE account altogether.
I came to class alone today because all my close friends were out sick. I could believe that Saggy Cheek was genuinely ill, but Joy and Type were probably just faking it. Not that I blamed them. I had skipped class and asked them to take notes for me so many times that I figured it was my turn to do the same for them.
I grabbed a silver pen and tucked it into my shirt pocket before rolling up the paper with the professor's assignments for easy handling. Once I was all set, I walked out of the classroom.
Initially, I had planned to head to Ne's condo after class. There was a football match on TV today, and Ne mentioned he had invited a bunch of friends over to watch. Watching alone at home wouldn't be much fun. If I invited my nanny who preferred evening dramas to join me, it would be pure torture for her.
But a casual comment from a less familiar classmate made me change my mind. After taking the elevator down, I walked straight toward the exhibition hall instead. Since submitting my photo for the collaborative exhibit between the Faculty of Communication Arts and Digital Media, I hadn't once gone to see it on display.
'I heard from Phi Ball that the girls are all over your 'Lost in the Moonlight' photo.' The girls weren't the reason I changed my mind and came to see my own photo, though. There was only one woman who made me decide to come—someone who made me want to see my photo even though I never intended to. I usually avoid seeing my own work because I don't want to deal with girls who ask me to explain the meaning of the photo, and then ask for my LINE so I can teach them how to take photos. I can guess how the conversation would go, and I'm just tired of it, so I avoid it by not checking out my work.
But the woman who made me want to see 'Lost in the Moonlight' and take a photo to send her was Mom, the one who gave me the real name 'Sasin,' which means 'moon.' She's the one who made me drive to the beach to take the photo, ensuring the image matched the concept, while also including my own presence. She was the one who helped me name the photo 'Lost in the Moonlight.'
Mom had told me, "Lost in the Moonlight means sometimes the moon's reflection makes it seem like there's another moon on Earth. But in reality, there's only onemoon... No matter how many people mistake the reflection for a second moon, the fact remains that there is only one."
It's probably like...
Sometimes, something or someone might cause us to lose sight of who we are. But in the end, nothing and no one can change who we truly are At this hour, I doubted anyone would still be at the exhibition. Soon enough, university staff would come to lock up. My assumption was correct, there was no one else inside when I stepped in.
However, there was one man whom I guessed was a student from the aviation business department, because his navy suit was distinctive. This made me pause and stop at a reasonable distance from him. Even though we were standing apart, I could still clearly see his side profile. He smiled gently while looking at the 'Lost in the
Moonlight' photo, and the small man gave a thumbs-up to my picture, almost as if praising me, saying, 'Excellent, just like when Dad used to praise me as a kid when Itook medicine with a bitter taste without whining.'
I furrowed my brow, thinking to myself as I secretly watched him. Then I remembered that this man was P'Dom's cousin, who was studying in the same year as me, because P'Fah had pointed him out to me a few weeks ago. I wasn't sure whether it was because he gave a thumbs-up to my 'Lost in the Moonlight' photo or because he was a relative of my senior, but for whatever reason, it made me want to get to know him. I decided to take a step forward.
But then—The sound of my phone vibrating stopped me. When I pulled it out, I saw it was an important call that I couldn't ignore. I looked at the name 'Mom' on the screen, and then at the owner of the sweet face who didn't take his eyes off my photo. I decided to step outside the room to answer the call. I walked to the area near the bathroom and picked up the call.
"Yes, Mom?"
[My dear, when are you going to send me the photo to see?]
"I'm on my way to take it for you now, Mom, but you called before I could get started."
[Oh, am I interrupting something?]
"..."
[Sorry, my dear.]
"It's okay, Mom."
[Once you're done, send it to me, okay? Even though I've seen the full photo file, I still want to see the one displayed in the exhibition.]
"Okay, Mom. I'll send it to you once I finish taking it."
[Alright, dear. I miss you.]
"I miss you too, Mom."
As soon as I hung up, I hurried back to the exhibition room, hoping that person would still be there, admiring my photo. But when I entered the spacious room, which now only held lifeless photos, I slowed my pace and sighed softly. It's rare to find someone I want to get to know. I'm not exactly disappointed...But honestly,
Yeah... I'm a little disappointed that I didn't get to talk to him. I quickly took the photo and sent it to Mom before leaving the room. I hoped I would get the chance to meet that person someday...
🌙🌙🌙
The white cigarette was raised to my lips as I recalled the first day I met that person. Even though many days have passed since then, and I haven't seen him again, I can't forget how much I wanted to get to know him.
If I say, 'I just want to get to know you, not flirt,' there would probably be many questions popping up in P'Dom's head. And if I say, 'Don't worry, I won't make your younger brother sad,' it would make things worse, because that would probably mean
I'm seriously flirting with his younger brother. The truth is, I just want to get to know him. So getting to know that person is not easy, and I find it really hard to handle this feeling...
This feeling of wanting to get to know that person is awful... I usually stand and smoke a cigarette in the parking lot in front of building 11. While smoking, I keep an eye out for him, in case he walks by, but I've never seen him pass
by...
Until...
[Doggy face...are you coming to Glai's birthday party?]
'...'
[Glai is P'Dom's little brother.]
Is it... that person?
'...'
The name is 'Glai'?
[..What do you say, doggy face?]
'I don't know the owner of the birthday'
[It's alright, we can get to know each other at the party. Glai also studies at the same university as us.]
It's really that person.
'...'
[I didn't invite you on my own, P'Dom asked me to call and invite you.]
'...'
[P'Fah is going to Glai's birthday party too...]
"Okay... then I'll go too."
[Okay, I'll send the location of the restaurant via Line. It's a Korean BBQ place near Siam.]
"Okay."
After hanging up with my close friend who called to invite me to that person's birthday party, or 'Khun Glai,' the cigarette that had been burning for less than half was immediately stubbed out into the soil of the dwarf ficus tree pot. I quickly walked upstairs to shower and get dressed.
While putting on my shirt, I reflected on my feelings. I was excited to meet him, happy to get to know him. I imagined what his voice would sound like either small or deep, whether he would smile at me, and what kind of gift I should give him. I had felt this way a long time ago.
But I clearly remember that the feeling back then... doesn't compare to now. Now, I feel scared... afraid that I might fall in love with him someday. It's not because Glai is a man that makes me afraid to fall in love. I don't care what gender the person I fall in love with is. It's because when I fall in love with someone, I've never held anything back. I'll give everything I have, And when everything falls apart, when I know that everything must end, because of misunderstanding or whatever reason, my condition is no different from a dog that has been hit by a car every time...
It hurts like hell...and I can hardly heal myself.
Kreeet~
As an ex-dog hit by a car, I glanced at my phone screen before quickly picking it up to answer.
"Yes, Dad."
[Khun Pan... can you help design the staff uniforms for the hotel?]
"Yes, of course."
[Let me brief you on the design details.]
"Okay, please send it to me by email."
[Okay.]
I stayed silent for a moment before deciding to speak, "Dad..."
[What's up, Khun Pan?... I noticed you were silent, and I guessed you might want to discuss something.]
"Mom understands P'Fah the most."
[But Dad understands Khun Pan the most, right?]
"Yes..." I said with a laugh, then spoke seriously, "Dad, how many times does a dog have to be hit by a car before it dies?"
[What kind of question is that, Khun Pan?]
"If Dad truly understands me, you will understand this question."
[Ah... is it hard to be a father?]
I chuckled softly while waiting for Dad's response. "..."
[I has the answer now...]
"..."
[If it were a dog, I'd say it wouldn't survive one heavy hit by a car.]
"..."
[But if we compare a person to a dog who is loyal, devoted, and gives all his love to someone... I think, if the dog wasn't hurt by its owner, nothing could harm it.]
"..."
[...Do you think so, Khun Pan?]
Dad's answer made something rise up and choke me. My past experiences in love always ended with me being dumped, and the problem was always because the other person didn't trust me, even though I tried to show my sincerity, adjusted myself, and did everything I could to make the relationship work. But in the end, I had nothing left but sorrow... not even my own self. That's why I haven't taken love seriously for a while now...
"Dad..."
[Yes, Khun Pan?]
"Lee has never really talked to him seriously, just seen him look at Lee's photos... but I feel really connected to him."
[...]
"...so much that sometimes I'm afraid I might fall in love again."
[Khun Pan... listen to Dad.]
"..."
[Khun Pan has been hurt like a dog a hundred times by someone who wasn't the one... and you might be hurt a hundred and one times by someone who isn't the one again. You'll never know how many hundreds of times you'll be hurt before you meet the one who is right for you.]
"..."
[Dad wants you to understand that... no matter what love it is, we can't escape the pain.]
"That's right... because even if I let myself fall in love with him, he might not like me back because we're both guys."
[...]
"Dad, were you surprised that I think I might fall in love with a guy?"
[Not surprised at all... because Dad always understood that love can be with anyone.]
"..."
[...Khun Pan, love whoever you want, just love him properly.]
"..."
[Everything's cleared up, all problems are solved now, Khun Pan.]
I smiled slightly before saying, "Yes, thank you, Dad."
[From now on... if you really like him, Khun Pan, I recommend you go for it.]
"Yes, Dad."
After hanging up with Dad, I realized... if we stop holding onto fear and try to face it to understand where it comes from, in the end, it will just be the word 'fear' and nothing more, it won't affect the heart.
Now, I'm not afraid of falling in love or anything anymore, but I just think... I might talk to Glai for an hour and realize I don't feel more for him than a friend, or maybe I'll fall in love with him the moment we make eye contact.
But no matter what happens...
I'm ready to be hurt for the 101st time.
I'm ready to be hurt for the 102nd time.
And I'm ready to be hurt as many times as it takes... to meet the right one.