P.Panli : P'Pee, are you free to talk?
P. : I'm free now~
P.Panli : Are the shirts with the crescent moon embroidered on the collar sold out?
P. : From our shop, right?
P.Panli : Is this a serious question or are you messing with me?
P.: 55555555 I'm messing with you.
P.: Just sold the last one a moment ago. A girl from your university bought it.
P. : She asked me which collection you liked the most, so I told her this collection.
P.Panli : Okay.
P. : Why?
P.: Do you want to keep one for yourself?
P.Panli : No, I want to give it as a birthday gift.
P. : Ohhh.
I locked my phone screen and immediately tucked it into the back pocket of my pants after realizing that one of the partners of the brand 'Once in a Blue Moon' was of no use now. At first, I had initially planned to grab the shirt with the crescent moon embroidery on the collar for Glai. From the moment I met him, I thought this shirtsuited him the best. But since it was sold out, I decided to attend the party without any gift in hand. But after the party, I planned to find another gift for him.
As I walked toward the Korean BBQ restaurant, following the location sent by Rak, every step felt steady. Yet no one would know that inside, my heart was trembling. My heartbeat quickened as I realized I was getting closer to someone. And yes... my heart could beat even faster.
The moment I saw the table with Rak, P'Dom, P'Babe, someone I didn't know, and Khun Glai sitting there, my heart raced even more. I hadn't felt such a strong heartbeat in a long time, and I forgot how to handle this intense fluttering. The only thing I could do was let it run wild. I didn't understand myself... Why was I so excited to see him?
When I noticed that the birthday person was about to look at me because P'Dom said something to him, I, who still couldn't control my excitement, pretended to look away out of fear that my heart would beat even harder. I focused on Saggy Cheek until I reached the table where everyone was seated.
"Dressed up so handsomely today, Dog-face Lee... but you still can't beat Rak Niran, this guy is way more handsome."
He teased me with a playful grin, making me smile as I responded, "I really want to pinch your mouth, acting so cheeky."
The person who could always make me smile scooted over to make space for me. As I still not ready to face the birthday person's gaze, so I silently sat down. But because Rak left me so little space, I had to speak up.
"Rak... Can you move over a bit more? I'm about to fall off the edge here."
"Just a little more, because..." Rak looked worried and glanced at the remaining space, which seemed sufficient. "Because P'Fah is big, and there won't be enough room."
Rak's reasoning... made me realize... my close friend has softened.
"It's okay, Rak. Make yourself comfortable. If there isn't enough space, we'll just add another table," said a voice across from me.
I looked up at the owner of the voice. There was no need to imagine whether his voicewas soft or deep anymore. At that moment, Glai made me realize that his voice was cuter than I could have ever imagined.
His voice wasn't too soft or too deep but had a gentle tone. Even without seeing his eyes, it was easy to sense how kind-hearted he was. That day, from just a distance and a glimpse, I thought he must be adored by many people. He had a sweet face, a gentle smile, and a friendly manner that seemed to embrace the world. But I never thought that seeing Glai this close... would make me find him so adorable. It must be because...His almond-shaped eyes that might narrow when he smiles wide. The slightly upturned nose that might tempt many to pinch it. The pink lips that might turn red after eating spicy food. And perhaps all these things combined made me smile unconsciously while looking at him.
"Will that work, Glai?"
"Yes, it will, because I still have many friends coming. We'll need another table anyway."
"Alright... that settles it."
The next moment, Glai shifted his gaze from Rak and locked eyes with me. I wasn't sure if we held eye contact for just a split second or an entire minute before he looked away, but it felt like time had stopped. That feeling of time standing still... it's real.
Even if someone could stop the clock's hands, my heart continued to beat wildly. I watched the birthday person turn to talk to someone beside him, whom I assumed was a close friend.
If I hadn't seen his ears turn as red as a tomato, I might have thought he avoided eye contact because he didn't want to get to know a stranger like me. But his red ears and slightly flushed cheeks hinted that he was shy. I felt a little relieved, then I looked away and turned to my close friend beside me as a thought popped into my mind.
"Rak, you're waiting in vain. P'Fah isn't coming."
"Is he really not coming?" P'Dom, seated across from me, asked, while P'Babe squinted at me, as if trying to figure something out.
I suppressed a smile before responding, "It's true, P'Dom. P'Fah said the traffic is terrible... so he turned back."
"If you lie again, I won't share any BBQ with you, Lee. And I'm serious, not kidding."
"It's true! If you don't believe me, call him yourself."
"Geez, Lee! How long are you going to keep lying?"
I shook my head, trying not to laugh. Rak was smart—he wouldn't believe me and probably knew I was intentionally lying. His displeasure was likely because he feared my words might turn out to be true.
"He dared you to call and confirm. Go call and find out the truth, then come back to deal with Panlee," P'Babe suggested.
Receiving such sound advice from his older sister, Rak raised his hand, motioning for space to leave. I got up from the long bench, letting my frustrated friend pass to call P'Fah.
"Poor kid, waiting in vain," I muttered.
"Wait... wait a moment, Lee. If it's not true, I might shed tears because of your ruthless."
I burst out laughing when the chubby cheeked guy warned me before dropping down and sitting back down on the long chair as before, glancing at the paper bag placed a distance away. However, someone asking something to P'Dom made me lift my head and look across.
"Where is Rak going, P'Dom?"
"It's Panlee... he told Teerak that Fah turned the car back because of traffic."
"But the truth is, P'Fah hasn't arrived yet, right, P'Dom?"
"Why don't you ask the person who made the story?" P'Dom nodded toward me before continuing, "What do you say, Lee? The birthday boy is asking something."
The birthday boy shifted his gaze from P'Dom to me. His cheeks right now even brighter than before, confirmed once again how shy Glai was. Shy people often struggle to start a conversation. Knowing I had to initiate the conversation, I pulled my wallet and phone from my back pocket to make myself more comfortable. I bit my lip slightly as I placed both items on the table, thinking of a phrase to ease his nerves. I hadn't meant to make him uneasy.
Yet I found myself smiling as I watched the shy one, who blinked rapidly, seemingly nervous. Not wanting to seem a liar in his eyes, I quickly slid the gift bag toward his close friend who was sitting next to me, so I could shift to sit directly in front of him. At that moment, we locked eyes once more before I started the conversation.
"The birthday boy wants the truth, or do you want to guess first?"
" Um... I think I'd rather know the truth."
"The truth is..." I smiled as I locked eyes with him before continuing, "No one would ever turn back just because of traffic. Everyone would try to get here as fast as they could... to protect the birthday boy's feelings."
"..."
"So, P'Fah will definitely come."
"..."
" No need to worry... okay?"
Since Glai didn't respond, I didn't know if my words helped ease his worries. So, I smiled at him. We locked eyes for several moments before he gave a small nod as if to say 'okay.' I smiled at his adorable gesture and nodded back in return. I once thought...Maybe I fell in love with him the minute I first laid eyes on him. It might be true.
🌙🌙🌙
"Dom, I'm going to check the ice cream in the freezer."
"Okay."
"What water do you want?"
P'Dom turned to ask me as soon as his girlfriend walked toward the drink station, leaving just the two of us. I handed him the glass filled with ice and said,
"With grilled meat like this, we have to drink beer right?"
"Are you kidding me? That's nowhere near right," P'Dom said with a laugh.
"Then Coke."
"Okay..." He poured the soda into my glass before asking, "Is Glai sitting alone at the table?"
I turned to look and saw Glai chatting with friends. "He's sitting with friends now."
"Ah..."
"P'Dom, does Glai have any particular likes? I'm thinking of getting him a gift."
"In the past... Glai was especially fond of shrimp."
"And now...?"
P'Dom paused, then shifted his gaze from the glass to meet mine. "Glai likes you." The seriousness in his tone and eyes told me he wasn't joking. I froze, the memory of Glai's smile and thumbs-up at the Lost in the Moonlight exhibit flooding my mind. I swallowed hard, trying to respond to P'Dom's unwavering gaze, but the overwhelming emotions left me speechless.
"Glai has secretly liked you for a long time."
"..."
"If you don't believe me... try standing on the fourth floor of the building opposite Building Eleven. You'll see Glai sneaking peeks at you almost every day."
"..."
"He loves sitting on the fourth floor of Building 11 and you'll see Ngai secretly looking at you almost every day. He likes to sit on the fourth floor of Building 11 because from there, he can see the parking lot where you park your car. I've seen you standing there smoking a cigarette regularly."
"If I hadn't seen Glai looking at the photo in the exhibition hall before... I would've thought you were joking."
"Then that means you've seen Glai before. Did you know then that he's my cousin?"
"...Because P'Fah once pointed him out when he passed by the faculty building."
P'Dom nodded slightly before saying, "Matters of the feelings aren't something I'd joke about."
"..."
"Glai doesn't know that I know about this."
"..."
"The reason I had Teerak invite you to Glai's birthday wasn't so you'd learn about this. I just wanted Glai to be happy, even if the engagement ceremony for his dad and stepmom was happening at home. Even though Glai says he's okay with it, I can't bring myself to believe he truly feels that way."
A wave of unfamiliar sadness washed over me as I nodded slightly to signal that I understood his reasoning.
"I thought if you came to Glai's birthday... he'd be happy."
"..."
"And another important reason I decided to tell you this, even though I know I shouldn't... is that after today, I think you and Glai will get to know each other. If you happen to meet at the university, you can greet each other. I don't know if your relationship with Glai could develop into a friendship... but if one day Glai finds the courage to confess his feelings to you..."
"..."
"You who already know about this will be able to handle all feelings and Klai will not lose you... no matter what the status is."
"..."
"I don't hope for Glai to find happiness, I don't expect you to give my younger brother the love of a lover, but I just want Glai to have good friendships like other people. I know very well what kind of person you are... that's why I wanted Glai to get to know you, because in the past, my younger brother has only met bad people, both friends he used to hang out with and people he used to have a crush on."
"..."
"I know I'm being selfish saying this without considering how you might feel... but because I'm not a capable older brother, this is probably the only way to prevent Glai from losing a good person like you."
"..."
"I'm sorry, Lee."
I admit that I am confused and don't know how I should feel first. My warm breath slowly exhaled from the tip of my nose when I saw P'Dom's worried expression before speaking, "You don't need to apologize to me... this isn't making me feel bad."
"..."
"But the reason I've been silent is because..." I raised my hand to squeeze the back of my neck while thinking for an answer, but in the end, I couldn't shake off some heavy feeling, and that feeling pressed down on every word I had. "...I can't say it."
"..."
"But it's not that I'm rejecting Glai's feelings... the reason I can't speak is because I think Glai's feelings toward me are incredibly pure."
"..."
"I've never met someone who secretly loves, watching from afar without wanting to possess me like him."
"It probably only happens with my younger brother who chooses to be the one to love secretly like this."
I pressed my lips together to think, then said, "Wait, I'll have P'Dom put the glass on the table for me."
"And where are you going?"
"I'll go order shrimp for Glai... then I'll go check on the chubby cheeks. It's been a while."
"..."
"Okay... but about the gift, you can buy it later."
"Actually, I should have brought a gift for the birthday boy... at least today I should do something for Glai."
"...If you order shrimp, it'll be troublesome to peel them."
"Just peeling the shrimp... it's not too hard."
P'Dom laughed and nodded before walking off with my glass of water to the table. I walked over to the waitress standing ready to serve the customers. She looked up at me and smiled friendly.
"Is there anything else I can get you, sir?"
"I'm sitting at that table..." I said, pointing to the table. The birthday boy, who had been secretly watching me, quickly turned away when he saw me and the waitress looking at them. I smiled before continuing, "...I'd like twenty shrimp on one plate."
"Ah, okay... sure."
"If that table isn't charging for seafood, please adjust the price to be seafood for the whole table."
"Got it."
I watched the waitress quickly walk into the back before focusing my eyes outside the restaurant to look for the chubby cheeks. When I walked out, I saw my best friend standing stiff, staring at P'Fah. Even though what I'd heard almost made me laugh out loud, the chubby cheeks managed to make me laugh. Right now, he's just a dog like me, But a chubby puppy who's been cursed to be as stiff as a stone.
"Huh, laughing at me, Lee, you dog!"
"I'm laughing at you..."
I said while laughing. The chubby cheeks glared at me. Since I didn't want to start a fight, I walked back into the restaurant, leaving Teerak and P'Fah standing outside. When I returned inside, I saw the staff starting to serve food at the table. I just stopped at the table and stared at the large plate of shrimp in the waitress's hand.
"That plate of shrimp... it's mine."
After I spoke, the waitress nodded in acknowledgment. I sat down on the long chair and moved back to my original position before taking the plate of shrimp with twenty shrimp, as I had requested. I placed the plate in front of me and quickly started putting shrimp on the grill.
"Wow, can you really finish all that, Panlee?" P'Babe asked.
What caught my attention from the grill wasn't P'Babe's question but the person sitting across from me. I was staring at Glai, wondering if he would finish the twenty shrimp I had planned to peel for him. It might be too much for him. I almost got my answer... if I hadn't seen something on his neck.
A necklace with a crescent moon pendant... My eyes lowered after seeing that, and some questions popped up in my head, 'Has Glai liked the moon before or just started because of me?' But no matter the reason, it made my heart race again, and I found myself smiling without realizing it as I grilled a large shrimp, before answering without looking away from the grill,
"From what I can see... I don't think I can finish it all."
"Should I help? Don't want it to go to waste."
"Why don't you focus on your pork instead?"
"I wasn't trying to take it; I just didn't want leftovers to incur charges."
"There won't be extra charges. Trust me."
While I was grilling the large shrimp, listening to P'Dom and P'Babe argue, the person sitting across from me started putting the red meat on the grill. However, heplaced the meat only at the edge of the grill, as if he was afraid to fight my army of shrimp
The truth is...It's his army,
Because soon, I'll give it all to him. I picked up the orange shrimp and put it on my plate to wait for it to cool down before I started peeling it. While I kept staring at the grill, I felt like the person sitting opposite me was staring at me the whole time, and the sliced pork that was almost burnt helped confirm that I wasn't imagining it. Glai was really only looking at me.
"Glai..." I said, without taking my eyes off the grill in front of me. I pushed the almost burnt pork slice onto his plate, "It's about to burn... you should take it off the grill now."
I looked up at the person I had just called. He nodded before looking at the cooked pork on the plate. His thin lips pressed tightly together, as if he was trying not to show some feelings.
I had heard that 'yawning is like a contagious disease; when you see someone yawn, you'll yawn too,' but I had never heard that 'holding back a smile is like a contagious disease' until I experienced it myself. Because when I saw Glai trying to hold back a smile, I found myself holding back a smile as well.
When there was only one shrimp left on the grill, the person named 'Glai' who I wanted to call out to once again, placed another slice of pork on the grill. But he remained in the same spot, far from the large shrimp that was lying still. I used my chopsticks to grab that slice of pork and placed it in the centre of the grill before looking up to meet his eyes.
"Don't leave it at the edge of the grill... it won't cook well," I said.
"Uh, okay," he replied, nodding eagerly.
We locked eyes for a moment. Before he looked down at his plate, I picked up the last cooked shrimp and put it on a plate to prepare to peel it for him.
"Oh, you're here already?"
However, P'Dom's voice caught my attention and I turned to look at the last guest who came to the birthday party before the conversation between Glai and P'Fah started.
"Hello, P'Fah."
"Sorry I'm late."
"No problem, I'm just happy P'Fah came, thank you very much."
"Go get some drinks, P'Fah... I didn't bring any extra, I was worried you wouldn't like it."
"Yeah, I'll go get them myself."
The chubby cheeked who had just sat down next to me for a short while stood up again before saying, "I'll go get some water with P'Fah...I'll go refill my lychee juice."
I looked away from those two and began peeling the shrimp on my plate. When my fingers touched the orange shell, I realized the shrimp was still hot. I was about to wait a little longer when I glanced at the shrimp on his best friend's plate sitting next to Glai. I guessed he would peel the shrimp for Glai too, so I decided that I shouldn't wait any longer.
"Glai... they're all cooked, but I'll wait for them to cool down first. I'll peel them for you."
"Thank you, Gun."
I secretly glanced at Glai's best friend, who was showing Glai the shrimp on his plate before quickly peeling the shrimp on his own plate. I've never peeled shrimp for anyone before in my life. My shrimp-peeling skills might not be as good as his best friend's, but still... I'll try my best.
"Lee! Are you really eating that much shrimp?"
But the shout from the chubby cheeked friend disrupted my concentration on peeling shrimp. His eyes widened in apparent surprise as he sat down next to me.
"Stop exaggerating, Saggy Cheek... it's just a little."
"Don't be so greedy, Lee. Be considerate of Glai. He invited you here. Peel them for the birthday boy... and share with his friends too..."
I turned to look at the chubby cheeked friend who was making me lose my good image before saying, "You mean share with you, right?"
"Yeah...."
When I saw my best friend laughing happily, I could only shake my head and say,
"Really, Saggy Cheek."
"Eat as much as you like. If anyone wants more seafood, feel free to order. I've already opted for the seafood package, so it won't cost extra."
"Glai is really kind."
Yes... Glai is kind and considerate. He probably thought of everyone who came to the party, which is why he picked the seafood price. But if he hadn't chosen this price from the beginning, I would've been willing to pay for everything myself, as I told the staff. Then, I could talk to the birthday boy later.
But right now, I didn't have to worry about anything. The only thing I should do now is offer all twenty shrimp to the birthday boy. I handed the plate of large peeled shrimp to the person who was talking to Saggy Cheek.
"Here... your birthday gift."
I didn't know...
I didn't know if the person who secretly liked me already...
"..."
"I asked P'Dom earlier what Glai likes. I was thinking of buying a gift later, but P'Dom said Glai likes shrimp, so I'll give you shrimp as your birthday gift first... today is your 20th birthday, right?"
Will my heart beat faster?
"Uh, yeah."
"There are twenty shrimp on the plate, according to your age... happy birthday, and I'm glad to know you."
But my heart felt something...I'm not sure if I've felt it since the first time I met him or if it was when our eyes met.
"Thank you so much, and I'm glad to know you too."
"Yes."
It was beating so fast...
We exchanged a brief glance just as Glai took the shrimp plate. I watched him smile while looking at the shrimp I peeled for him, then he used his chopsticks to grab a big shrimp and put it in his mouth, chewing happily.
I thought it was crazy how a thought from a few hours ago had changed just by making eye contact with him. I tried to forget the truth P'Dom had told me, so that only my own feelings were left. And it became even crazier that, even after everything, I still chose to feel like this...
I'm not ready to be hurt for the 101st time.
And if possible...
'Can you please stop all the pain for this time?'
🌙🌙🌙
5:30 PM
The numbers appeared on my phone screen. I didn't intend to be standing here at this time every day. But every time I walked to the parking lot in front of the tall building after class, it just happened to be 5:30 PM.
Yesterday, after Glai's birthday party ended, everyone went home, but I stopped by a mall to buy a gift. I thought the twenty shrimp I gave earlier weren't impressive enough. But after walking around for a while without finding anything suitable, I ended up at the exit to the parking lot, where I found a small plant shop.
I thought this was something he would like. What makes you feel comfortable when you look at it? Even though I know this thing is not expensive, and my gift may not compare to other gifts he has received, but if we measure it by its emotional value, I think... there is nothing in this world less valuable than the other. Everything has its own worth.
At that moment, I decided to buy a cactus because I searched for the meaning of the plant before I chose to purchase it. And the meaning of the cactus made me think of P'Dom's words 'in the past, my younger brother has only met bad people, both friends he used to hang out with and people he used to have a crush on.'
And as I was driving back home, I happened to see him standing and waiting for the car. I volunteered to drive him to the condo. That gave me the opportunity to give him that gift. His eyes, his tone of voice, and the tears that welled up in his eyes made me unable to stop thinking about what he must have been through. And at that moment, I remember asking him something...
'Glai... what's wrong?'
'It's just that... I like this gift a little too much. When something really moves me, I tend to cry.'
Glai's response made me realize that he had already felt a lot for me.
'That's so adorable.'
'I'm sorry for worrying you, Panlee.'
'No need to apologize... it's just a small thing.'
And because I knew that...
'...'
'Maybe you should like the gift a little less?'
'No way... I want to love this gift just as much as I do now.'
'If liking it so much makes you cry, it's okay to like it a little less. I won't be upset.'
I didn't want to be someone who made him cry...
I also remember that... we talked quite a bit while waiting for the traffic to clear. I saw his gentle smile. It was a smile that made me feel comforted every time I saw it. I couldn't believe that anyone could hurt Glai's heart, and I didn't want to think about how many tests the world must have given him for Glai to become this strong.
And I admired him deep inside...
He is just this small, but he is so strong.
When I drove to Glai's condo, he got out of the car but didn't walk into the building. He stood there, still smiling at me. That was when I didn't want to let him go because I didn't know when we'd meet again. And I thought that someone who secretly loved me like Glai, without expecting to possess, will choose to observe me from a distance as always, with no way of getting closer to me.
At that moment, I wasn't sure if all the feelings that had arisen in my heart could be molded into the word 'like,' but I chose to lower the window and say something to the little person standing there, smiling at me.
'Glai...'
'...'
Even though I wasn't sure...
'If you see me at the university... feel free to come say hi.'
'...'
But I still wanted to make a promise...
'But if I see you first... I'll come say hi to you.'
'Mhm... I'll come say hi to you, Panlee.'
'Alright.'
And his smile in that last moment made me decide to be here in the parking lot at this time. Last night, I thought hard to review my feelings, and now I'm sure that all the feelings can combine into the word 'like,' and Glai made me realize...Sometimes, feelings are so simple.
True feelings might only be...
Like or Dislike
No need to find out why I like it.
Yes or No.
Just that.
And yes... I like Glai.
But when I looked up at the fourth floor of building 11, I didn't see any sign of someone secretly watching me. When I looked through the clear glass, I only saw an empty table and chairs. So I waited until six o'clock. But I didn't see Glai.
We didn't meet....
I decided to drive back home. But while stuck in traffic on the road, I was very worried, so I took out my phone to call someone.
[What's up?]
"P'Dom... did you tell Glai that I've seen him before?"
[No, I didn't tell him... Why?]
"Today, Glai didn't come to the fourth floor... it's not like what you told me."
[...]
Right now, I'm making wild guesses because I'm afraid he might change his mind....
"Is Glai going to stop liking me?"
[...]
"Yesterday, I happened to meet Glai waiting for the car... so I offered to take him to the condo."
[...]
"I might have accidentally done something wrong...."
[...]
"...or when I accidentally met my friend at Glai's condo, I spoke too rudely, so he didn't want to like me anymore."
[Wait, you idiot... calm down.]
I nodded, even though I knew that P'Dom didn't see. "..."
[Just now, I called Glai... He's going to practice zither at the Fine Arts Building because Glai has to play the zither for the seniors at the Open House event.]
I let out a breath through my nose and mouth, feeling relieved. "I almost turned the car into Boss's shop."
[What's wrong... just because Glai didn't come watch you secretly, you're going to go drink alcohol?]
"..."
[So, what's going on, Lee?]
"...."
[You just wanted to make sure that Glai really came to secretly watch or... ?]
"P'Dom, are you free?... I want to talk in person."
[...]
"And there's a lot more I want to ask."
[I'm free... Can you come to my condo?]
"Okay... I'll be there soon."
It didn't take me long to reach P'Dom's condo. The owner of the spacious room welcomed me with a cigarette and a can of beer. He invited me to relax on the balcony. I lifted the cigarette to my lips and inhaled the nicotine deeply. After releasing the white smoke, I felt relaxed enough, and it was time to say something.
The senior, who had just hung up from his girlfriend, grabbed the beer can and took a sip before looking at me with a calm gaze. I knew that P'Dom was starting to feel troubled about something.
"Who should speak first?"
"I'll go first..." I paused to think about all the feelings I had since the first time I met Glai up until now... "As I told you before... I've seen Glai before."
"..."
"The moment I saw him standing, looking at my photo, I really wanted to get to know him... I don't know what made me feel that way."
"..."
"But when I was about to approach him... my mom called, so I had to go outside to talk to her. When I came back into the exhibition room... Glai was gone."
"..."
"...After that, I tried to meet him again. I waited for him in front of the exhibition room, looked for him when I was smoking at the parking lot, but I never saw him...and I couldn't stop feeling that way."
"..."
"The feeling of wanting to get to know Glai... I couldn't stop it."
"You know I'm Glai's older brother... why didn't you come find me?"
"..."
"Because if you had told me you wanted to get to know Glai... you wouldn't have to try so hard."
I could guess what P'Dom was thinking. He didn't mean what he said, and he was hoping for my answer, which I didn't have a response that would make me look cool like a novel's hero. I only had a response from my true feelings. It was my sincerity that I wanted P'Dom to understand...
"Honestly... back then, I was afraid you would be suspicious of me."
"..."
"I was afraid you would think I was trying to flirt with your younger brother."
"..."
"Because back then, I thought I only wanted to get to know him."
"Ah... I understand."
"...Until Saggy Cheek called and invited me to Glai's birthday party. From what he told me, being your younger sibling and studying at the same university, I thought it was Glai."
"..."
"And it really was that person for me."
"For you?"
"Not yet, but..." I furrowed my brow and retracted my words to make my senior feel better.
"So, what happened next?"
"I didn't want to tell you this part, but if I don't, you won't believe that I really feel this way..." I raised the white cigarette to my lips again and let the feeling flow freely like light smoke before saying, "My heart has been beating fast when I walked into the shop... and when I knew I was going to meet Glai again, my heart started beating even faster."
"..."
"And when I made eye contact with Glai..." I looked at my senior, who was smiling faintly as he looked at the beer can in his hand. "You probably know how I felt at that moment."
P'Dom nodded slightly before saying, "It's probably like when I first met Babe at the concert."
"..."
"My heart was beating like a drum."
I smiled slightly before saying, "Yes... it felt like that."
"And what happened next?"
"Then... I found out that Glai secretly liked me because you told me."
"..."
"At that time, I didn't know how to feel... I was happy to know that we were both secretly watching each other, but I couldn't be fully happy because you told me that Glai's dad was getting engaged to his stepmother, even though that day was his birthday... And I also found out that he had met nothing but bad people in his life. When I think about his smile, I think about when Glai was looking at my photo..."
"..."
"I was so shocked..."
"..."
"Because I thought that... he has been through so much, yet he can still smile, and he
continues to give his smile to others."
"..."
"How strong does he have to be..."
"..."
"When I was driving to see you... I thought that if I didn't feel anything for Glai like I do now, but I still knew that he secretly liked me... what would I do?"
"..."
"Do you believe it... I didn't have to think for long."
"..."
"Because even if I didn't like him... after I knew the truth, I would still be a good friend to Glai, always by his side."
"I didn't make the wrong decision in telling you the truth."
"..."
P'Dom stared deeply into my eyes before saying, "But I still want you to ask yourself and be sure... because Glai is a man, just like you, and you've never been in a relationship with a man before. Sometimes, you might..."
Because I knew what he was worried about, I decided to speak up before he finished his sentence. "P'Dom, don't forget... I wanted to get to know Glai before I even knew about this."
"..."
"My heart was beating fast when I met him, even though you hadn't told me the truth yet."
"..."
"Therefore, the fact that he secretly liked me first didn't make me feel shaken."
"..."
"I don't usually feel like this with anyone... so I'm sure I really like him, not just feeling shaken."
"..."
"And the fact that Glai is a man, like me..."
"..."
I remained silent before saying with a firm voice, "As long as he's the one I like... I don't care what he is."
"..."
"I know everything seems too fast... and you don't trust me yet."
"..."
"But please..."
"What do you want to ask?"
"I want to take care of Glai." I stared deeply into his sharp eyes before continuing, "I want to take care of Glai."
The listener didn't respond. P'Dom reached for the cigarette pack, tapped it. He took a white paper cigarette out, lit it, and then looked up to meet my gaze again.
"Thanks for being sincere with me and Glai."
"..."
"I used to think you had a personality quite different from Fah's."
"..."
"But today, I know... the two siblings from the Pisut family aren't that different after all."
"..."
"Both are sincere."
I gave a small smile before saying, "I've said everything to you... now it's your turn."
"I don't know where to start, because there's so much I want to tell you..." P'Dom paused for a moment before continuing, "Then let me start by telling you the beginning of everything, because everything is connected. Once I finish telling you... I think you won't have any more questions, because what I say will answer all your doubts."
"..."
"One day... Gun, Glai's close friend, came to wait for me at the faculty. Gun told me that the day Glai went to drink with his friends at a bar, Glai was harassed by a second-year engineering student in the bathroom. That engineering student had been pestering Glai for a while, but Glai didn't like him, so he rejected him."
"...."
"Gun said that someone helped Glai that day... so Glai didn't get harmed."
"..."
When I learned the details from Gun that his name was Mek, a second-year civil engineering student in the same university, I went to ask my friend who was studying engineering where he lived... after that I followed him, it was him."
"..."
"That's why he didn't dare to bother Glai again."
I pressed my tongue against my cheek, trying to hold back my emotions, but couldn't stop myself from swearing out loud. "That hellish bastard!"
P'Dom lifted the white cigarette to his lips before continuing, "Does this kind of incident sound familiar to you?"
"..."
"Do you remember when you helped someone who was being harassed in the bathroom?"
I lowered my eyes and looked at the beer can with drops of water on it, thinking about what P'Dom had just asked. I remembered helping someone who was being harassed in the bathroom, and the images and sounds that were deeply embedded in my memory slowly came to mind.
'Mek has no right to force me.'
Because of that sentence, And the voice that tried to hold back the trembling of someone hiding from that bastard in the bathroom made me decide to go in and help. I closed my eyes, praying that the person I had helped wasn't Glai, and that what happened that day wasn't real. But I couldn't escape the truth, and I would have to face many more truths from now on. I opened my eyes and looked up at P'Dom.
"It was Glai, wasn't it, P'Dom?..." A lump rose in my throat as I was about to speak the next sentence. I forced the large feeling down before continuing, "The person I helped in the bathroom that day... was it Glai?"
"Yeah... the person you helped was Glai."
I've never been punched in the face with full force before, because usually, it's someone else taking the hit. But when I learned the truth about this, I realized what it must feel like to be punched in the face so hard. My brain went completely numb, and my body started to feel numb too.
"Glai wasn't hurt by him, right, P'Dom...?" I remember P'Dom mentioning this before, but I just wanted to double-check and make sure that after I left the bathroom and left Glai alone, he would be safe. "After I left the bathroom... did Glai get hurt by him again?"
P'Dom shook his head and said, "No... Glai wasn't hurt by him."
"..."
"And you don't have to feel guilty either... because you didn't know that the person in the bathroom was Glai, and it's been a long time since then."
"..."
"The reason I'm telling you all this is because it's the beginning of everything."
"..."
"I'll continue telling you now..." P'Dom waited until I nodded to signal that I was ready to listen, then continued, "Even though that guy, Mek, didn't dare to mess with Glai anymore, I still worried about him. I was afraid Mek might continue to harass Glai."
"..."
"So, I secretly went to find Glai at the faculty building... I saw him sitting at a table on the fourth floor almost every day. At first, I thought he was looking for a corner to study, but after a closer look, I saw that he was only staring down below."
"..."
"...Then one day, when Glai didn't come to class because he was sick, I secretly sat in that corner too... and that's when I realized it was the best spot to clearly see you."
"But I didn't immediately decide that Glai liked you... so I went and asked Gun because I thought Glai would tell me everything."
"Is Glai really close to Gun?"
"Yeah... they've been close friends since high school and have been through a lot together. Gun has always been there for Glai."
"..."
If I had a choice... I'd want to be there for Glai at every moment too.
"And Gun really did tell me everything... He confessed every detail of what happened that day."
I remained silent as I listened to P'Dom's story. His tone and eyes were serious. I bit down on my lower lip until it started to hurt when I learned that Mek had told Glai's friends about the day I sang at Boss's shop in exchange for meeting Glai. And Glai's friend, who secretly liked me, agreed to exchange their friendship for a chance to meet me, just for a few hours.
The story P'Dom told made me feel devastated because, as someone who values friendship, I know how bad it feels when someone doesn't value the word 'friend' at all.
"Then, in the end, Gun said... it was because of that incident that Glai started liking you until now."
"..."
"But Gun asked me to keep this a secret because if Glai knew he told me, he would feel uncomfortable."
"..."
"Gun said only three of his close friends know about this... Glai never told anyone, and the only reason people found out is because they saw Glai secretly watching you from the fourth floor, and that's when he confessed."
"..."
"I understand why Glai didn't want to tell me about this... He must have been afraid it would affect me in some way because Glai is someone who always considers the feelings of others."
"..."
"And after I learned about it, I never thought about telling anyone, not even you."
"..."
"But one day, just before Glai's birthday, Gun came to wait for me at the faculty again. He told me something he had just found out not long ago. Gun was worried about Glai. He was afraid Glai would feel bad being alone, so he secretly told me."
"Did Glai get hurt by someone else?"
P'Dom sighed before starting to tell me about Glai's past, about a senior who tricked Glai into confessing his feelings just to win a bet with his friends, and about that guy, Thot, who was involved in getting Glai harassed by Mek. Thot had shared the story of Glai's rejected confession with everyone, making it a joke among Glai's classmates. Just the fact that he was friends with Mek made me want to smash my favorite pair of shoes into his face, but hearing what he did to Glai made me even angrier.
"Does someone really have to go through this much shit in their life?"
"Now do you understand why I decided to tell you about this... and why I want someone like you to be in Glai's life?"
"..."
"...If you say you want to take care of Glai... I want you to know who has hurt him before... and who is still messing with him."
"From now on... if anyone messes with Glai again..."
"..."
"I'll crush them to death under my feet."
"Back then, I really wanted to kick those two bastards, Shin and Thot... but the problem was, Glai wouldn't point them out."
"Gun, right... Gun should know them."
"Back then, I went to find Gun... but Gun asked me to let it go because he didn't want to make things harder for Glai. Gun already felt guilty enough about telling me so many things."
"..."
P'Dom lifted the nearly half-burned cigarette to his lips again before speaking, "But after thinking it over carefully... I think it's better to just let them go."
"..."
"You probably wonder why I let them go after they did all that to our people..."
P'Dom spoke as if reading my mind. White smoke drifted out of his mouth as he continued, "The truth is, we didn't let them hurt our people... because I believe if they ever try to hurt us again, there's no way we'll allow it."
"..."
"But letting them go means... letting them remain just shitty people who once passed through someone's life."
"..."
"We can't turn back time to protect the ones who were hurt in the past... we can't do that at all."
"..."
P'Dom smiled and looked at me with understanding. "I used to be like you, Lee... I used to be hot-tempered, bold, and decisive, no need for many words, clear when it's clear."
"..."
"If you ask if I'm still like that now, yes, I still am, but much less so. Because when I got to be with Babe, to see her smile, to hear her says 'Don't get into trouble with anyone, Dom, because if something happens to you, I won't take care of you but will beat you up at the hospital too...' I realized that I wouldn't try to go back and protect her in the past."
"..."
"But I'll use the time from now on to protect her... I'll keep that time to make up for the feelings she lost."
I understood deeply what P'Dom was saying and then said, "Maybe many people made him cry... but we will be the only ones who make him smile again."
P'Dom nodded and smiled at me. "Yes..."
"..."
"We just need to accept that... the past, whether good or bad, has ended completely."
"..."
"We don't need to go back and make up for it anymore."
"...."
"Keep the time with the person we love."
"Even though I'll keep the time with him... if someone messes with him again, I can share my time and add to it."
P'Dom laughed before saying, "That's definitely true, right?"
I sighed with relief, not knowing which part helped me feel lighter. Maybe it was this moment that reminded me... 'Glai has passed that time already.'
"Glai..." P'Dom spoke without looking at me. His sharp eyes looked at the light brown ceramic plate, a white cigarette was placed on it, before he looked up at me again. "... he didn't like you just for your appearance, like others do... I don't know why others like you."
"..."
"But for Glai..." P'Dom took his eyes off me and looked at the green beer can. I felt like P'Dom was trying to express something heavy from his heart. "... you must be like a light in Glai's life."
"..."
"You must be like his support..." P'Dom smiled while still looking at that beer can.
"You are everything to Glai without you even knowing it."
I nodded slightly and lowered my gaze to the table between us. P'Dom's words squeezed my heart until it felt tight, and at the same time, many feelings began to arise in my heart. Everything began to increase rapidly in just a few seconds, and it felt like I couldn't handle it if I didn't release the overwhelming feelings inside me.
But believe me...
I'm okay.
I will keep every feeling inside.
And I will embrace every feeling.
I know this is not the time to stay silent and let the silence interfere with our conversation. But I can't deny that the silence helped me think some things through. I let it cover us for a moment.
"P'Dom..."
"You know now how you're going to take care of Glai?"
I nodded before saying, "Yeah..."
"..."
"Even though I already know Glai secretly likes me... I won't take advantage of him by using his feelings to make it easier for me to enter his world."
"..."
"I'll start like Glai did... step by step."
"..."
"I won't skip any steps in the relationship, but I'll take it slowly."
"..."
"I'll gradually add feelings for each other... until our feelings are equal."
"..."
"Glai won't like me more than I like him."
"..."
"P'Dom, aside from asking to take care of Glai... can I ask for one more thing?"
P'Dom nodded in agreement, even though I hadn't said what I was requesting yet.
"..."
"Don't tell Glai that I know about this yet... don't tell him that I know everything he has been through."
"..."
"Give me some time to do something for him first... I want him to know that..." I paused, as some feelings squeezed my heart again. "... it's not just Glai watching me...I've been watching him too."
"..."
"... It's not just Glai trying to come to me, but I've been trying too."
"..."
"I don't want our story to just be... I know Glai likes me, and I like him too, so I'll just go ahead and ask him to be my boyfriend quickly... because I already know it will work out."
"..."
"I don't want it to be just that... I want it to be more than that."
"..."
"I want every time we look back... to see how valuable every moment we had together is."
"..."
"And when that time comes... the time when Glai realizes how I feel about him..."
"..."
"I will tell him about these things myself. Give me some time to prove myself to Glai... and prove myself to everyone, okay, P'Dom?"
"At first, I thought you were going to tell Glai that you knew about this, and you would confess that you liked him too."
"..."
"I didn't think you would do something so delicate like this."
"Because this time it's Glai, I thought so much."
"Thanks again... for being sincere and caring so much about Glai's feelings."
"I have to thank you too... for allowing me to take care of Glai."
"..."
"Thank you for trusting me this much."
"It's because it's you... that I trust you."
Our conversation, with 'Khun Glai' being the core topic, ended with smiles and trust that couldn't be exchanged for anything valuable in the world. After I returned home, I thought about how I should approach Khun Glai in a way that would make him feel the least uncomfortable and feel at ease when we're together. I lay down thinking hard for a while, then got up to take a shower and went out to stand on the balcony to smoke. I couldn't think of anything. I hadn't been the one to approach anyone in a long time. Until I looked up at the crescent moon hanging in the gloomy sky, I thought of a song, the song 'Land of Love.'
Then I knew what I should do...
I will be gentle.
I will be caring.
I will be honest.
And I will try to be everything I just mentioned as much as possible for 'Khun Glai alone.'
The next day, I planned to secretly watch Glai on the fourth floor of the building across from Building 11. Because the windows of that building had mirrored film that couldn't be looked through. I couldn't watch Glai in the parking lot because he might have realized and wouldn't dare let me spy on him again. However, while my friends and I were helping to carry stuff for a group project, I accidentally saw Khun Glai walking out of the building, looking very anxious. I noticed some stains on his shirt, so I guessed he was having some trouble.
And of course, I wouldn't let him face the problem alone anymore. So I pretended to stand in his way, and we started talking. I found out his shirt got stained with coffee due to an accident, but I didn't want to believe it was just an accident. But in such a hurry, I had to put all thoughts aside and help Khun Glai solve the problem as fast as possible. I let him borrow my shirt and changed his shirt in my favorite car. After that, we separated on the seventh floor before he went to present on the eighth floor.
In the evening, I parked elsewhere because today I didn't plan to go to the parking lot but instead would secretly watch Khun Glai from the building on the opposite side. He would think I had gone home, so he wouldn't have to wait for me too long.
5:30 pm
At this time... I stood on the fourth floor of the opposite building. The table on the fourth floor of Building Seventeen was still empty. No one was watching me like before. I counted down in my mind, alone, until someone I was waiting for walked in with his two close friends.
It was at this moment that I couldn't help but smile widely. His appearance made my heart race uncontrollably, even though I already knew Khun Glai will come today...Even though I knew that... my heart still raced.
"Thank you for coming..."
I pulled out my phone from the back pocket of my pants and dialled someone. I didn't wait long before the other side picked up.
[You didn't turn into your senior's shop today... because Glai has to come watch you, for sure.]
I laughed softly before saying, "Khun Glai really came."
[Happy, huh?]
"Very much."
[You little dog!]
I laughed before saying seriously, "P'Dom, believe me... in the future, your little brother will be the most valuable thing in my life."
[Yeah... I believe you.]
..
And yes, right now, at this moment, Khun GlaiJai Borirat was the most valuable thing in my heart. I smiled while looking at all my friends who were still focused on listening to my story. I laughed because I had never seen my friends pay this much attention to anything before.
"That's it... the story of me and Khun Glai is over."
I said to bring them back from the past. Till shook his head slightly, as if he couldn't believe what I had just told him, before he started saying something.
"Uhm... what should I say first?"
"I don't know what to say either... it's so shallow... it's like..." To said while raising his hand to rub his face, then continued, "Shit... my tears are about to fall."
"Really... it was unexpected. I didn't think the story would be this complicated. I just thought we met somewhere and then randomly met again, then started flirting."
"The story is like... damn it! If anyone tries to be the third wheel in this couple, I'll cut off their dick and feed it to the ducks."
"Very bold."
"You mean the third wheel, right, Boss?"
"No... I mean you, very bold. You tried to cut off your own dick... because at first, you were being a playboy with Khun Glai."
"Damn it... it was a long time ago, right?"
"..."
"Give me a break, Boss... people can change."
"You idiot."
I laughed and shook my head while listening to them joke around before grabbing someone's cigarette pack on the table to take out a white cigarette.
"I'll go out and smoke first."
I stood up straight while talking, then walked out in front of the shop. I took out my phone to check in case the little rascal had finished work and sent me a message, but no messages appeared on the phone's screen. Right now, I was really missing him, but I didn't want to disturb his time.
What eased my longing was opening the clip where Khun Glai secretly sniffed my hair and watched it repeatedly. I couldn't help but smile widely before I took my eyes off the phone screen and looked into the shop when I heard the music get louder. This song...
A day when there's no one, a day when the heart can't see the end, A life that's vague, filled only with darkness, You're like a faint light, comforting a heart in pain and endurance. From now on, I want to be the one who stays for you. When love has no plan, just loving you, No matter how bad things get, I will still love, I will take care of you until the day your sky is bright, As long as the rain clouds are still here, I want to be the one beside you,I will still stay if you can't see anyone, No evil plan, just want to say you can always trust me.
I give it all to 'Glai Jai' alone. And then the notification sound went off with a message from someone I was thinking about, appearing on the screen. I quickly swiped the screen to enter the chat room.
glaijai: Puppy
glaijai: I'm done with work now.
glaijai: What time will Puppy going home?
After reading the message, I tapped the keyboard to reply.
P.Panli: I miss you so much.
glaijai: Puppy didn't answer the question.
P.Panli: Lee will stay here for a while.
P.Panli: But if Khun Glai allows me to go back to your condo,
P.Panli: I'll go back right away.
The message was marked as read, but the other person didn't reply yet. Then I smiledwidely at the message the little rascal just sent.
Glaijai: I miss Puppy too.
P.Panli: I miss Puppy too. Does that mean 'permission'?
glaijai: sent a sticker
The sticker was of a fluffy white bunny nodding, which made me burst out laughing. The little rascal was so good at making me fall for him. I sent a sticker of a puppy with the English text 'OK' back to Khun Glai before throwing the cigarette on the ground and quickly walking in to say goodbye to my friends at the shop.
After they heard the whole story, I thought my friends would understand me, and they would let me go back to the little rascal or 'my love'.