I lit a cigarette. Again.
Not because I was cool. But because the ashtray on my desk started glowing every time I didn't.
"Oi, kid! I'm starving," it growled.
Yes. My ashtray talks. And yes—it claims to be Zeus, the almighty god of thunder, reborn in a ceramic plate with cigarette burns and ramen stains.
"You serious, old man?" I asked, half-asleep. "You're a god but you need nicotine to survive?"
"Not just nicotine! I demand high-quality Japanese cigarettes—and sake! None of that cheap convenience store crap, ya hear?"
I stared at him, then tossed him a half-smoked Menthol Light.
The ashtray coughed.
"Is this a joke to you?! You dare insult the Lord of Olympus with minty garbage?!"
At that moment, the ashtray sparked lightning bolts all over my desk, frying my half-written homework. Again.
Great. I was going to fail math because a god had brand preferences.
"Okay, okay! Chill, you divine chain-smoker. I'll get your premium stuff later," I sighed.
Later that night, I video-called my girlfriend, Rias—a purple-haired beauty with dangerous eyes and an even more dangerous right hook.
"Cayaaaang~! Let's go out tomorrow!" I said, pulling my best flirt face.
She blinked. "You're acting weird again… but sure. Just don't wear that stupid Zeus shirt again."
I looked down. I was already wearing it. Zeus's face was plastered across my chest, screaming in comic font: "SMOKE OR DIE!"
The next day, we went to the park. It was peaceful. The air was clean. I didn't have to hear the ashtray's voice for five whole minutes.
Then, out of the bushes—
Slurp.
Burp.
A man was crouched down, eating ramen like a wild animal.
"OH MY ZEUS BALLS!" I screamed.
Rias shrieked, hiding behind me. "W-who the hell is that?!"
"Hahahaha! Yo, bro!" the ramen beast said, wiping his mouth.
It was Suguru—my best friend and local idiot.
"Who's the hot chick?" he asked, pointing.
"This is Rias, my girlfriend. We're on a date, you degenerate," I said.
Suguru grinned. "Yo, Rias! I'm Suguru—hero in training, Ultraman Zero enthusiast, and proud owner of three unpaid parking tickets!"
Rias blinked again. "...You have weird friends."
I nodded. "You get used to him."
"Bro!" Suguru pulled me aside. "Where'd you find a girl like that?! And what's this I heard about a wish-granting ashtray?!"
"You really wanna know?" I said, smirking.
"I'll tell you—if you're ready to believe the dumbest thing you've ever heard."
If you want me to continue to Chapter 2 (Suguru tries to become Ultraman via ashtray contract),