It all started when Astak declared himself a god.
Not metaphorically.
Literally.
"I've transcended mortality," he said, puffing a long trail of smoke from his third cigarette that hour. "Call me… The Smoky Deity."
We were all in the living room. Me, Rias, Suguru, and the ashtray that had mysteriously begun speaking in a British accent.
"Yes, well," the ashtray said. "If he's a god, then I'm Zeus. Oh wait—I am Zeus."
No one even blinked.
Suguru was too busy duct-taping two bananas to his ears.
He looked up. "Guys… what if I become Ultraman?"
Rias: "No."
Me: "Please don't."
Astak: "Let him dream."
By noon, chaos had escalated.
The ashtray now demanded tribute.
Astak refused to clean the floor because "gods don't sweep."
Suguru wore an Ultraman Zero costume he bought for 20k rupiah online and declared himself a "celestial enforcer of justice."
I was just trying to eat cereal.
But then Zeus (ashtray version) yelled, "Enough! I challenge Astak for divine supremacy!"
A paper flyer printed itself on our printer.
🌀 DIVINE DUEL TONIGHT
Zeus vs The Smoky Deity
Winner gets to rename the apartment
Featuring: Suguru as Ultra-MC
Snacks not included. Ask Rias.
The night came faster than my will to live.
The living room became a makeshift arena.
Suguru stood on the coffee table, holding a toy microphone.
"WELCOME TO THE FINAL DESTINY OF FATES! IN THIS CORNER: THE GOD OF FLAMES—ASTAK! IN THAT CORNER: THE GOD OF... CIGARETTE BUTTS—ZEUS!"
Zeus screamed through the ashtray. "I ruled Olympus before Wi-Fi existed!"
Astak lit a cig. "I ruled boredom."
Then came the BOOM.
Astak flicked his cigarette like it was a divine blade.
The ember zipped through the air—straight into the TV.
The TV exploded.
Zeus screamed, "MY NETFLIX!"
Rias nearly fainted.
Suguru screamed, "HEAVEN HAS FALLEN!"
In the aftermath:
Zeus retreated to the kitchen cabinet. Astak fell asleep on the floor. Rias started a GoFundMe for a new TV. Suguru declared himself an Ultra-God and taped tinfoil to his forehead.
I stared at the ceiling and sighed.
This place wasn't an apartment.
It was a divine mental asylum with free Wi-Fi and infinite chaos.
Rias nudged me, soft. "You're smiling."
"Yeah," I said. "I think I've stopped trying to understand this place."
She smirked.
"Good. Because I think it's about to get worse."
To Be Continued...