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Holy Orders: America’s Most Overqualified Exorcist

A_divin5
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Synopsis
This isn't your average Sunday sermon. When the sun sets in this America, the real monsters come out— Chainsaw-wielding hillbillies, wax museums that never existed, cursed cabins in the woods, clown cults, dream demons, haunted dolls, and unclassified anomalies prowl the shadows... And right in the middle of it? Gideon Black, who woke up one day as a priest—armed with a divine leveling system. Now, he blesses suburban homes, exorcises demonic squatters, and offers life coaching to emotionally exhausted ghosts. With skills like: [Soul Insight] – spot a demon’s weak point before it spots you. [Psychological Counseling] – because even monsters need therapy. [Holy Water Blessing] – one drop of holy water, entire haunted house purified. [Gospel Hymn] – a church event so powerful even Hellhounds stay home. But Gideon is cautious—too cautious. He doesn’t fight unless the odds are stacked in his favor. He double-checks the salt lines, proofreads his holy verses, and once quarantined a cursed toaster just in case. When the Apocalypse finally arrives? Satan: "This guy solo'd my dungeon and left a Yelp review." Fallen Angel: "Even I pray to him when I get scared." Cthulhu: "@!?xx(╯‵□′)╯︵┻━┻" God slams the table: “You guys are weak—go train harder.” Unlock exclusive access to advanced chapters: Join us at patreon.com/A_divin5!
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Chapter 1 - Chapter 1: The Strange Church

Chapter 1: The Strange Church

West District, Philadelphia.

A neighborhood where poverty gathers like fog.

In the center of this struggling community stands an old building—white walls, black roof—the only church in the vicinity.

At this moment, two teenagers stood outside on the church's front lawn.

"Jarl... you said there's an exorcist here?"

Judy Warren tucked her hair behind her ear, her voice uncertain.

The blonde-haired boy called Jarl nodded vigorously.

"Yeah! This is the place. The officer told me there are tons of fences out front. Look!"

He pointed excitedly ahead.

Judy followed his gaze.

Surrounding the church were four layers of fencing, each ring layered with small bells tied to the rails at regular intervals.

There was only one narrow path leading to the main entrance—no more than a few dozen meters—but designed to snake around via the fences, forcing anyone approaching to take a winding route.

Naturally, this was also the path with the most bells.

---

"Jingle... jingle..."

The sound of the bells accompanied them as they slowly made their way to the front door.

Jarl took the initiative and knocked.

"Hello? Anyone there? We're here to see the exorcist..."

He raised his voice as much as he could. A scrawny kid like him didn't speak this loudly very often.

Silence.

But unbeknownst to them, from an inconspicuous second-floor window above, someone was watching—through a monocular telescope.

---

Inside the church...

"Didn't hit the fences—used the designated route. Not zombies.

Moving freely in daylight, relaxed expressions—rule out vampires.

Passed by the holy water bells with no reaction—not evil spirits.

Showed no response to the sacred statue by the third gate—not demons."

Gideon Black lowered his telescope and concluded:

"All things considered... they're probably human."

But his brows furrowed.

"Still, their faces aren't familiar. They're not on my regulars list.

And the locals all know my habits. Anyone recommending someone would wait till Sunday.

So how did these two find me?"

He squinted, thinking hard.

Gideon Black was not originally from this world.

One night while reviewing some 'educational' videos, he'd stayed up too late—and woke up here, in the body of a local priest.

At first, he assumed he'd just ended up in a different corner of Earth.

But as time passed, he realized that while this world looked normal on the surface, there was something deeply... off.

---

"Masked killers in the moonlight. Witch covens in the forest…"

Occasionally, he'd come across news stories resembling classic American horror tropes—and soon confirmed these weren't fiction.

Determined to stay alive, Gideon developed a cautious, disciplined lifestyle. He avoided trouble like the plague.

But he also had... a gift.

He rolled up his sleeve, scooped a handful of water from the wooden basin, and dipped his eyes into it.

---

[Holy Water Purification +1]

Progress: Tier 1 (264 / 1000)

Ability Unlocked: Ethereal Sight – See more clearly in darkness and faintly perceive spiritual entities.

At the same time, more text floated in his vision:

---

[Holy Water Blessing]

Progress: Tier 0 (32 / 100)

Ability Unlocked: Banish – Water you bless carries faint divine energy capable of repelling evil.

---

[Psychological Counseling]

[Scripture Reading]

...and more.

These were abilities only he could see—unlocked through his mysterious system since arriving here.

Through experimentation, he discovered that completing these tasks advanced the progress bar, and each full tier unlocked new supernatural powers.

And interestingly... they all aligned with a priest's regular duties—like preaching, blessing water, and offering guidance.

In a world full of hidden dangers, it was the perfect survival tool.

Though the church had no other clergy, Gideon stuck to his duties with religious discipline—literally. His original plan was to hide out in the chapel, chanting scripture until the end of days.

But then he discovered...

Even in this cursed place, you have to pay rent.

Besides the monthly offering to the local diocese, there was also an annual donation drive—gloriously branded as "Contributing to the Lord's Mercy."

So now? Gideon was forced to offer "additional services."

---

He wiped his face, took a deep breath, and headed down the stairs.

Creak—

The church door opened.

Jarl blinked in surprise.

A young priest in black robes stood before them. Surprisingly youthful—and with yellow-toned skin.

That was... not what Jarl had expected.

He forgot his words for a second.

Gideon smiled kindly.

"May the Lord bless you both. How can I help?"

Jarl finally snapped out of his daze and quickly spoke up.

"We… we're here to ask for help."

"Of course. Please, come in," Gideon replied, stepping aside and gesturing them in.

As the two teenagers crossed the threshold, Gideon Black subtly glanced up at the top of the doorframe, where a small crucifix had been discreetly placed. Most people wouldn't notice it—but these two showed no abnormal reaction.

Satisfied, he closed the door behind them with a smile.

---

Inside the reception room…

"Now, tell me more about this commission," Gideon Black said, pouring water for them.

"Ah—right. Thank you." The teens took their cups, glancing around curiously before finally settling down.

"I'm Jarl, and this is my good friend Judy," he began.

Then he got to the point.

Both of them were students at a nearby school, and they were here because of their teacher—Miss Rose.

"I think Miss Rose might be… possessed," Jarl said, his face full of concern.

He explained that Rose was always gentle, attentive, and kind to her students. But three days ago, everything changed.

She had grown tense, jumpy, and constantly appeared scared, even paranoid.

"She said she kept seeing people around her smiling strangely. It terrified her. But none of us—none of the other teachers—ever saw anyone like that," Jarl said, taking a sip of water.

The school brought in a doctor to check on her, but the diagnosis came back clean—physically, she was fine.

"No one believed her," Jarl said. "But Judy and I do. Right?"

He turned to the girl beside him.

Judy, with her short hair and sharp gaze, nodded solemnly.

She trusted Miss Rose—not just because Rose had treated her kindly after transferring schools, but also because…

Her mother was a real exorcist—Lorraine Warren.

And today, she'd come not only to help but also out of curiosity.

Aside from her mother, she'd never met another exorcist.

Yet when she first saw this worn-down, tucked-away church, she couldn't help but feel a little disappointed.

It was nothing like what she had imagined.

---

"So, we want to hire you… to help Miss Rose," Jarl said, looking at Gideon with hope in his eyes.

Gideon listened intently, nodding as he processed their story.

"Hmm… They drank the holy water five minutes ago and still show no signs of reacting. I can finally confirm—they're human."

He relaxed slightly and loosened his grip on the crucifix hidden in his pocket.

Then, he leaned forward.

"Your teacher does sound like she's in trouble. But before I take the case… tell me—who sent you here?"

Jarl blinked in surprise. That wasn't a question he'd expected.

He replied honestly:

"Officer Gordon. Someone in our community… took their own life two weeks ago. Gordon was the one assigned to the case. Two days ago, he came back and we told him about Miss Rose. That's when he recommended you."

"Ah. That guy."

Gideon Black instantly recalled a white officer with glasses. They'd worked together before—he was reliable enough.

"Alright. But you two know my fee, don't you?"

"Yes! Officer Gordon told us—ten bucks per house call."

Gideon Black's eye twitched.

"Gordon, you bastard…"

Jarl dug into his pocket and fished out a few crumpled bills—three $1 bills and a $5.

"This was all I had saved up… I was gonna use it to buy a model figure," Jarl muttered, distressed.

"And I lost that two-dollar bill…"

Judy also rummaged through her pockets, but she didn't have any money on her either.

Gideon watched the awkward scene unfold, then shrugged and grabbed the bills.

"Alright. I'll take the job."

"Really?!" Jarl's eyes lit up. He'd nearly lost hope.

"Wait outside for a moment. I need to prepare a few things," Gideon said, standing up.

---

He was willing to help—not just because Jarl had a good heart or because of the looming church tribute payment.

There was something else.

Gideon glanced at the floating system prompt in front of him:

---

[Risk Mission: Smiling Curse Spirit]

An unclean presence is wreaking havoc in the community. A sinister smile is infecting local residents. As a priest, you must stop its next appearance—or the curse will spread again.

Time Remaining: 2 Days

Reward: Cursed Smile Mask