* Warning: suicide scenes depicted in this chapter *
Nothing.
Complete consuming nothingness.
That is all I feel as I lay there numb waiting for the darkness to consume me. I send up a prayer to their so-called God or Goddess or whatever magical entity that watches out for them.
'If you truly exist, if there really is a higher power out there, please have mercy on me. Let my soul find peace'.
But Nothing.
Of course, no one answered. No one ever has.
I did not get any type of response back. No powerful entity speaking to me, no thoughts of comfort, no miraculous signs.
Nothing.
Just like all the other times I have begged and pleaded. Wishing for something better than the life I was given. Still nothing. But why would they answer me? Even if they honestly existed, why would they take the time to answer me?
I am not one of them. I am not one of their beloved creatures. I am nothing special or outstanding. I have never truly been part of anything important. I am just a simple girl that lives with an unusual family.
Even though we live in an extraordinary place, there is nothing extraordinary about me.
I am nothing significant, I am a mere fleeting soul passing through this world. I am only consuming space. I am definitely not someone that will be truly missed. I wouldn't even be surprised if no one noticed that I was missing at all.
As the darkness edged closer around the rim of my eyesight, I tried to take in my surroundings, remembering where I was. Even as I am fading in and out of consciousness I can see that the room I am in is clean and tidy. Such an odd thing to notice right now.
Old habits die hard.
I guess even when you are dying.
Even though I am done fighting and living I still don't want to leave my burdens behind for anyone else to resolve or clean. I guess it can be the one last thing I do before I leave.
No one should be forced to clean and care for me the way they have been forcing me to do for others my whole life.
A fleeting thought runs through my mind as I wait for it all to be over, 'what will my mom have to endure once they find me, if they find me.' Even though she never protected me or even stood up for me, she is the only mother that I have. And she cared for me in her own little way.
There is a little part of me that wonders, or hopes, that she will be devastated once she finds outs. Knowing that my life was so horrible that I felt it was better to take my own life than to stay in this world any longer. She has, after all, made sure that I at least was able to eat and was able to sleep under the same roof as the rest of my family.
To imagine the great disappointment for my father, that was. I'm sure he would have loved for me to be anywhere but under the same roof as him.
But then there is a bigger part of me that wonders if she will be relieved, I'm gone. Then she will no longer have to care after or help me.
No longer having to come up with cover stories when I miss days or weeks at a time from school. Or having to try to hide my bruises and scars from the world.
As the numbness grows nearer and the darkness overtakes me a little more, my thoughts shift from my mother to myself. I wonder how I became this desperate. Why was there no other choice for me?
I had chosen to end my life.
Was there no way that I could have kept going, kept living.
That thought was brief and quickly shut down. I can not continue the life I am living, I can not keep dealing with the cards that have been dealt to me by an evil God or Goddess. There is no way that whoever designed my life is not evil, I would not have had to endure even half of the things I have in my short 17 years of life, if they weren't evil.
With no loving entity caring and protecting me, there was no other choice for me to make other than trying to save my life by ending it.
This is not the first time that I have tried. No. I have tried once before, but hopefully this time I will be successful. The first time I slit my wrist, I am not sure how I managed to survive, I shouldn't have. I know I cut deep enough, and I definitely cut long enough. I still have the scars starting from both of my wrists going halfway down my arms and almost reaching my elbows.
The cuts bled so much.
So, so much.
I remember passing out from the blood loss. I had become faint and couldn't hold my eyes open any longer. As I finally succumbed to darkness, I was thinking that this was my ending, I am finally free.
But to my complete horror, I woke back up.
It looked like a horror scene from a movie. There was blood everywhere.
I was covered in blood, but the cuts were closed up and had already started to scab over.
I wasn't sure how long I was out, but it felt like no time at all. No one noticed I was missing, so it couldn't have been long. The only upside was that it wasn't going to be very hard to clean up.
Because I was worried about my mother cleaning up after me, I decided to try and end my life in my bathtub. That meant that all I had to do to clean everything up was turn the shower on. Thinking back now, it was probably the easiest mess I have ever cleaned up.
This time I was determined not to wake back up.
I have been slowly collecting pain pills from the clinic that I have been working at. I would take one or two here and there. Not enough for the doctors to notice, but enough that it didn't take too long to accumulate the amount needed. After all, I didn't need to get into any trouble, or lose my job, because then where will I be able to get the pills from. After several months of saving. I finally had enough, honestly more than enough.
I had enough to kill an elephant if I wanted to.
My small, malnourished body wasn't strong enough to withstand the quantity of pills I had acquired. I wasn't taking any chances. Even if I was a supernatural being or had superpowers there is no way that there weren't enough pills to do what I am needing them to do. After the failed attempt last time, I did not want to take any chances.
As I closed my eyes for the last time, I only had one thought going through my mind. I didn't want to wake back up.
Nothing.
Completely numb, I lay in the darkness.
I don't remember where I am or how I got here. There is only darkness, all around me. There was nothing.
There aren't even any sounds.
My mind seems to be completely consumed by darkness. There are no thoughts, no memories, nothing.
Just nothing.
I should have memories, there is a part of me that knows this instinctually, however as I try to think, there is nothing. It is as if my mind has been completely erased. Anything that used to be there is no longer there.
I want to panic; I feel like I should be panicking.
But the numbness is all consuming. Making it hard for me to care or to really worry. I could care less about where I am, how I got here, and why there is nothing but darkness. Totally consuming darkness.
I flutter my eyes open and closed, or I think I do. I can feel the movement of my eye lids, but there is no indication that I actually did. It is just as dark with my eyes closed as it is with my eyes open. It is hard to tell if the darkness is just in my mind or if it is really there when I open my eyes as well.
I start to fade back out into unconsciousness, without a thought or the will to fight it.