I can't see anything. I'm trapped. I feel nothing.
I can't feel my legs, my hands, my heart, nothing. My consciousness is swimming in a sea filled with despair and uncertainty. I'm afraid.
Just when I'm about to give up, I notice an even more repugnant sensation.
A hand, gently passing over my numb body, rises until it reaches my mouth.
One by one, he's pulling out my teeth. I can't feel anything but pain, the blood already running down my throat.
I can't scream, I can't move, I can't see, I only have the capacity to feel pain.
After that, the hand grabs my tongue, as if its fingers were a pair of clamps, and begins to pull.
At first, it's a gentle force, but soon it becomes a wrenching force.
I feel every fiber of my tongue being ripped apart, as more and more blood flows out, but I never choke.
In no time, the hand tears out my tongue. But it's not over.
The hand proceeded to go inside my mouth, down my throat.
Without a shred of mercy, he began to destroy my body from the inside.
I don't even know what parts are ripping and splitting, all I can make out is the feeling that even my soul is burning with a fire I'll never be able to put out.
After running through my insides for a while, the hand reached my stomach.
He stroked it gently. He cherished it. He adored it, and then he held it gently.
The pressure on the organ gradually increased. It wasn't long before I felt pain again. My hand continued to apply pressure, but before I could feel any more pain…
"... !"
I wake up in a daze from my bed, with the sound of my alarm in the background, my hand on my stomach, and my head on fire.
My body, despite never having experienced anything remotely similar, remembers it perfectly.
Other than a sharp pain in my gut, I feel as if my head is spinning in a sea of fire. This was followed by acid rising in my throat. Even if I want to, I can't hold it back. I managed to get out of bed, so as not to stain the sheets, but before I could open my door...
I ended up vomiting all over the floor. The sight of it disgusted me. I wanted to throw up just looking at the vomit.
I started to feel a sharp pain in my head and stomach. I could also hear footsteps coming toward my room.
Amaya quickly entered.
" Are you okay-?"
As soon as she saw what happened, she didn't hesitate to take action and go for something.
When he came back, he gave me the bucket in case I needed to vomit again, and helped me lie back down on the bed.
When I was already lying down and covered up, she started to clean up what I had messed up.
I just stood there, leaning my back against the wall next to the bed. More than lying down, I was sitting awkwardly, with the bucket on my lap, just in case.
When she finished, she put her hand on my forehead to see if I had a fever or not. I guess if my head hurt, and if it was that heated, I would have a fever.
She went back downstairs, and when she came back, she had a towel, a bucket of water, a thermometer, a glass of water, and a pill. Before saying anything, she put the thermometer in my mouth and offered me the pill.
"Were you sick last night?"
"No… I woke up like this just now."
What bothers me most is not my head, but the feeling of discomfort throughout my being.
Maybe I got sick last night. Is that why I had such a strange dream? It still doesn't make much sense.
Beep, beep, beep!
The thermometer started beeping, and my sister took it from me. She was sitting on the chair she'd grabbed from the counter.
"39 degrees… I already knew you had a fever, but this much? For now, take the pill."
I took the pill and the glass of water, and took them, then drank water and swallowed.
Seeing that I had a high fever, she took the towel and wet it in the water, which I assume was cold. She placed it on my forehead, trying not to get too much water on the bed.
"Let's see if that makes it go away a little…"
The moment she placed the towel on my forehead, I was already lying down. I couldn't stop imagining the scene I was in as if it were an anime, only I'm much sicker than usual. I feel like even thinking hurts.
Amaya decided not to go to class, since Dad is working, and she won't make him come for this. She also took a while to leave my room. She grabbed my hand, as gently as possible, as a way of comforting me.
At first, I thought I'd feel just as bad as I had in my dream, but now I can feel her soft touch, her gentle strength that refuses to let go, and her pleasant warmth, at least calms me down a little.
In less time than I expected, I was able to fall asleep, and the whole time I was awake, she didn't leave.
It didn't matter that she was occasionally checking my phone, but she never stopped holding my hand. I'll thank her later, and I'll apologize too.
This time I didn't dream at all, or at least I don't remember anything I dreamed. After a while, I slowly started to wake up. My head still hurt, although much less than before. At least my stomach didn't hurt anymore.
"Are you okay, Riku?"
As soon as he saw I'd woken up, she immediately asked how I was. I feel bad receiving so much positive attention. I don't deserve it.
"Yeah... I'm wo-"
Amaya cut me off, lunging at me and hugging me tightly. I could also tell she wasn't wearing a towel.
"I hope you are, you fucking idiot!" I don't know if she was crying or not, but her voice definitely sounded hurt and broken.
"Don't scare me like that!"
When she said that, she started to cry softly. Did I look that bad for her to be like that?
"I-It's not that bad! I wasn't going to die just from that!"
"No, it is! While you were awake, your fever even rose a little. I started to doubt whether or not to call the ambulance, but when I saw you asleep, I decided against it. But… when you were asleep…"
She paused for a moment to wipe her tears and take a deep breath.
"You started to recover, but your face was horrible, pale, and, as if you were scared…"
It hurts me to see Amaya like this, but, isn't she worrying too much? I don't know, but I'm sure she had a bad time…
Did she wake up feeling more friendly today? I wonder what made her so upset.
I don't know what I should do. Should I push her away? If she hangs around me too much, she might get sick too...
"It's okay, I'm over it now." I forced a smile, speaking in a kind and calm tone.
"I didn't want to see you like this... I was scared... Please don't do this to me again..."
I know she's not blaming me, and I know I'm not to blame for anything, but I still feel bad, I feel guilty.
It doesn't matter that I think it's not that big of a deal if she's been worried about me that much.
I let her calm down for a moment, and then decided to hug her. I tried not to get too close to her face, just in case. When I was about to stop hugging her, since she'd calmed down a while ago, Amaya stopped me for a moment. I didn't say anything, and I stayed hugging her for a moment longer.
I don't know why, but from the moment she stopped me, until she stopped hugging me on her own, I felt a completely different vibe from the way she hugged me.
"Sorry for being like that..."
"No, no. It's okay, really."
She looked at me, smiling slightly.
"Hehe. Thanks."
I was about to think like a siscon, but I just can't suppress this!!! Why is my sister so cute?! How is it possible that she doesn't have a boyfriend?! Even less friends?!?!?!? I hate you life!!! Why are you all so good to me and so mean to her?!? Ahgggg!! My head hurts!!! My brain is trembling!!!
Holding back the pain, I managed a slightly silly, happy smile. Amaya didn't say anything about it.
After a while, she left my room, but not before reminding me that if something like this ever happened to me again, I should call her. Now, to what's really intriguing me...
Why did I dream something so fucking disgusting??
I barely remember the dream, but it feels as if someone, or something, had violated every part of my body. More than a dream, it was a nightmare. If this continues to bother me in the future I should definitely see a psychologist. I'll try to forget about it as soon as possible…
Along with this event, I was overcome with an extreme feeling of laziness and helplessness. I didn't want to do anything, I had no desire. It's as if I'd spent all my energy today on that same dream.
Could it be because I vomited?
I wasn't hungry, so I didn't know for sure.
The rest of the morning was boring. I didn't eat, although I did drink a lot of water.
My sister came by several times to check on me. She was literally like a mother to me, maybe even better. She's better than that bitch, that's for sure.
I don't even know how to repay her for everything she's doing. This is the thing I feel most powerless about. I'm just a burden to everyone else. I've caused nothing but trouble today, and I don't know how to make up for it either.
On another note, the cosplay I was going to make should arrive today.
I'd say I'm excited, but I'm not in the mood today. Thank goodness I don't have exams this week or next, so I can get some rest.
The afternoon was just as boring. I didn't talk to Amaya anymore. I didn't go out with my friends either, although I'm sure none of them would have been able to today. I don't feel like doing anything; I feel empty. I don't even have a reason to feel this way; I just feel this way because I feel this way.
I hope =@º\' can at least go out tomorrow, otherwise it's going to feel different. Although it wouldn't hurt to go out alone with &$%"!
In the midst of my boredom, someone knocked on the front door. My sister got out instead of me, which was completely unacceptable.
I couldn't let her find out about this. But it was too late. I could hear her coming down the stairs. She's taller than me, faster than me, and I'm still sick.
I resigned myself to hearing my sister's laughter the moment she opened the package, because yes, she was going to open it. I know that brat too well.
I didn't hear her open it, but I could hear an evil laugh, followed by a thunderous sound of footsteps going up to the first floor.
"A-Are you really going to wear this?!" That was the first thing Amaya said the moment she opened the door. She was staring at the cosplay I had ordered, and she was laughing at it as loud as she could, with her mocking tone resounding in my room.
"And what's wrong with that?!"
"No, just, hahaha! I didn't expect you to go so far with this fanaticism!"
"Be quiet!"
"Haha… ah. Come on, take this."
She threw my clothes on the bed where I was lying. I hadn't gotten up all day.
Even after the humiliation I'd endured, I was very happy inside. So much so that the moment Amaya went to her room, I jumped out of my cape and, along with my clothes, went to the bathroom.
The cosplay was just a tracksuit with orange, black, and white hues. To top it off, I tucked in a black T-shirt.
At this point, I don't need to say who I'm cosplaying as. As soon as I was fully dressed, I looked in the mirror.
"Hihihi! It looks fabulous on me!" I said in a feminine tone, giggling as I clasped my hands together, moving them frantically.
"I just need to comb my hair like his. Let's see if the practice and waiting have been worth it."
Just before doing it, I thought twice. If I used hair gel, it would be a bit hard to get off, and I'd have to shower. And if I make even the slightest noise, I know someone who, given the current situation, will come and laugh at me again.
Oh, speaking of being quiet. I think I've messed up.
"Hehe, you look stupid. No, you are stupid."
I could see someone sticking his head around the door.
How can you go from being an angel to being a flea!?
"N-no! Go away!" Just seeing me dressed like that made my whole face turn red, more than it was already. I might get sick again.
"But why? I want to see how fabulous you look!"
" Y-you've got me fed up!"
I ran toward her, trying to think of a punishment to give her the moment I caught her. My sister stopped me mid-run and grabbed me by both arms. She rendered me completely useless.
"Let me go!"
"And what were you going to do to me? You know you can't do anything to me, hehe!"
"You and your mousey giggle…"
"I don't laugh like a ra-"
"Got you!"
As soon as he let his guard down, I broke free from his grasp. With the freedom I gained, I decided to impose the worst possible punishment.
"Hee hee hee! No! S-stop! Hee hee hee, hahAHG!"
I started tickling his armpits nonstop. Last time, I tried tickling his tummy and side, but the funny thing about that was that my nose looked like a clown's.
"Okay! Sorry! No, hehe, I'll laugh at you some more. Leave me alone! Hahaha!"
"Well, you're laughing right now!"
"T-that's no good!"
While she was laughing her head off, I never let my guard down for a moment. Every attempt she made to break free from me was futile.
I practically had her at my mercy. And as soon as I realized that, I stopped tickling her.
"You brought all this on yourself."
"...How is it possible that you treat your precious sister like this, after all the care I've given you!" he exclaimed in a sarcastic and ironic tone.
"You're not fooling anyone with that phrase!"
This was the only highlight of the day. I've said it a hundred times, but if my life were a book, it would be very boring. Most of the things I do are purely leisure, and I don't usually do anything out of the ordinary.
It's title would be something like "My Big Sister is so cute!". Disgusting.
Still, I'm happy with it, though I don't understand how.
I don't know how I can think it would be okay to live a life like this forever. What would I write in each chapter? " I went to class, came home, played video games, read, groomed my big sister, bothered her, she kicked my ass, and then I went to sleep" ?
Besides, I don't know what I'm going to do with my life in the future, although I'm going to postpone that problem.
After dinner, I went to sleep. The fact that the only interesting thing that happened to me was having a horrible dream leaves a lot to be desired.
1.
Emptiness. A white void. There was nothing. There was no one. Not even a "me." I knew I was there, because I could see, but there was nothing when I looked down. I knew I had a body, I could touch myself, not it that way, you pig. I was also standing. I could move, run, jump, but I couldn't see anything I was doing.
I walked for a while, until, in one of the thousands of blinks I made, an entire world appeared before me.
It was a dirt road, with a beautiful grassy field on the right, and a few beautiful flowers here and there. To my left, there was another beautiful thing; a forest. I could feel as if within it, there were thousands of creatures I'd never seen before. The trees didn't look rigid. They had a smooth surface, and leaves that you'd mistake for the flowers on the other side of the road. On this road, there were four silhouettes.
One was tall, about 175cm, with a slightly thin body, but fit, even if he lacked muscle. He had straight brown hair that reached below his ears, hair that shone slightly in the sunlight. His eyes were practically black, and he had a normal face, if you look at it according to current beauty standards. His figure conveyed warmth.
To the left of this one, there was another silhouette, between 175cm and 180cm tall. He was a little wider, but not because he was fat; he was in shape. He had noticeable muscles, but not exaggerated for his age, which was very admirable on his part. He had short, black hair, styled in a very basic style, the most normal and least complex of the four. He had completely black eyes and a moderately robust face, but not unattractive. In addition, a very light beard could be noticed on his face, although you would hardly see it from a distance, it's only a few couple of short hairs. His figure conveyed respect.
To the right of the first silhouette, there was a shorter one, about 160cm, or even a little less. His body was very thin, but not malnourished. Enough to be worrying, but still healthy. His hair had a slight black tint, but not entirely black, especially compared to the second figure's. What stood out most was the lock of hair covering his ear, dyed a dark blue that stood out slightly. This didn't ruin the tone of his long hair, which reached halfway down his neck. You could even mistake him for a girl, but it didn't look bad on him. Her... see what I meant there? Anyways, his appearance was a little untidy, but beneath all that sloppiness, I sensed a beautiful and sweet image. His figure conveyed uncertainty, but with an air of confidence.
The fourth figure was further ahead, behind the other three, so I couldn't see it properly. I decided to go after the three people in front of me. I tried to respectfully tell them to move out of the way, but they ignored me. I touched one of them on the shoulder, but they didn't respond. I didn't exist in their perspective. They were standing still. I tried to forcefully move them, but I couldn't do anything. Tired of trying to get them out of the way, I simply walked around them.
I was crossing the grassy esplanade, and as I did so, I ended up stepping on a lot of flowers. Although there had been very few before, the ground was now filled with them.
As I passed them, out of nowhere, the forest on my left disappeared. All that was on either side of me was a sea of flowers radiating energy. It was a scene straight out of a fairy tale. I felt like if I stared at the field any longer, I'd burst into tears. I decided to ignore the landscape and go for what I'd come for: the figure in front of me.
This time it was a woman. She was moderately tall, probably the same as the first one, maybe a little less. She had black hair that was brimming with life and radiated an incomparable glow. It was short, but reached her neck, and at the ends, there were streaks of a slightly brighter blue than the third silhouette, but equally dark. It was also dyed in a gradient. It was a blue that, at first glance, was almost imperceptible, and one would have to be up close to see it, but I felt as if I knew her hair was that way from the start. Being a woman, her entire figure would be judged, having unconformable curves, but not because she was fat. She was at an ideal weight, and it's not as if she looked bad either. To the more disrespectful and undignified, this figure didn't stand out on either side, but it's not as if she didn't have anything good about her either. Just perfect enough to not stand out at all, but not be humiliated either. She had blue eyes that contrasted with her hair, and her face was quite decent, slightly above average.
I felt a thousand and one emotions from this figure, all positive. More than half of them I didn't even recognize.
I wanted to speak, but I couldn't; I wanted her to turn around, but there was nothing I could do. I felt like the distance between us was like that of the earth and the sun.
I feel like I'm Achilles, trying to catch up with the tortoise, only that I can't even start the race.
Without warning, the woman in front of me turned to look at me. As soon as she did, the wind began to blow gently, the flowers in the landscape showing their grace once again.
"Will I look disgusting to her?" "Am I nice enough to look at?" "Will she be scared when she sees me?" A thousand thoughts ran through my mind, but, catching me by surprise, this figure hugged me. I couldn't move. I couldn't thank her. I couldn't reciprocate. I couldn't cry. I could only watch as she hugged me. I could only watch as it all happened.
In this situation, she was the one in control of everything. She decided when to stop, when to leave, when to do everything. And before leaving me, she whispered something in my ear. It was a word, I know it was a word, one said with sorrow, but I don't remember what she said to me. What did she say? I don't think it's worth losing my mind over it.
After that, the girl stopped hugging me. She walked away from me, step by step, along the dirt road. The flower petals began to fall one by one in the wind. I could only watch. I could never follow her. When I managed to move again, she was gone. Desperate to have someone by my side, I looked behind me, searching for the other silhouettes, and…
I woke up from the dream I was having.
2.
My alarm did. It was strange, because I wasn't on my typical position
I wasn't hugging my pillow, it was on the floor. I must have thrown it away while I was sleeping.
I had breakfast, got dressed, and left the house with Amaya. Again, I was hearing music, so we didn't talk much. Still, if we did, all the people in the train would be looking at us.
When I arrived at the entrance, I only recognized two people, as the third was on vacation at home.
Aside from greeting each other, we didn't say much else. Not because we were angry, just that nothing came up, although I did want to ask &$%"! if his parents had said anything to him or not.
I ended up talking to him during the break between second and third period.
"How's it going with the mess?"
"The mess? Oh, yeah…"
"Have your parents said anything to you? I hope they'll let you go to the convention…"
"I explained exactly how it happened. My dad did scold me, though he didn't take it too badly, and my mom even supported me. She told me I should have been the one to start the fight…" When I talked about his mother, he scratched the back of his neck.
If you can tell me calmly and in a positive tone, I suppose you haven't had too many problems...
"What does bother me is the punishment… It's a pain, but hey, it's better than not going here at all."
"I can stay with you, if you want." "It's not like I have anything better to do," I was about to say that, but I better not say it. It seemed like a very emo line.
"It's not like they're going to let you…"
"You may be right..."
The other thing I had to ask him about was =@º\' . I hope he's not mad at me anymore.
"And also, have you talked to =@º\' ?"
"Yes, although he only told me that his parents were more angry with him than worried about his injuries. It is strange that his parents specifically were so angry."
"They don't usually do it a lot?"
"It's not that they don't, but they are usually more worried about him than what he's done. I'm not saying they're bad parents either, at least they're not retarded like you say your mother is. The only problem mine have is that they're too good."
That was all we had time to say before the teacher came in.
In the library, the only thing that seemed out of place was that the girl who's always there, Tsukiyomi, was staring at me more than usual.
I've combed my hair badly, or are you going to start laughing at what I read?
Obviously I only looked back at her once, but I'm sure he looked at me more than once while I was reading.
As far as I know, she has two friends in class, but for some reason, she always comes here. And they don't come looking for her either. I guess she wants some time alone. It never hurts.
Can you stop looking at me?
Before going home, we agreed to meet in the afternoon.
We talked about meeting up early, since tomorrow is the day of the convention, and we wanted to get up early. _¨*^?¿· He said he wanted to do homework, so he didn't go out.
Honestly, I've always wondered if he really considers me a friend. I hardly ever talk to him because he mostly talks to =@º\' , so I guess he's not feeling up to it today. It's not like he goes out much anyway…
As usual, I ate with Amaya. Her cooking is always amazing. She has a knack for it, I swear. All that's left is for me to do something with it. I wish a had a girlfriend that cooked this good...
After eating, I took a longer shower than usual.
Whenever I shower, I put on music. That's why sometimes I get distracted by it, and I stay in the shower longer than I should.
After drying off, I got ready to go out.
"Amaya, I'm going out!"
"Have a nice day!"
After that brief goodbye, I went to &$%"!'s house, and after he left, we started walking, aimlessly.
"You were going to cosplay after all, right?"
"Yeah, I'm sure you can't guess what-"
"You're going to dress up as Subaru, right?"
"…I'm that easy to read?"
"Let's see, if you base your personality on him, I'd say so. What you usually say about being him, you've taken it a bit to heart, haven't you?"
He's not entirely wrong. It's not an obsession, it's extreme admiration. What can I do? If I like him, I like him.
"Well, and you? Are you going to dress up as something?"
"No, not at all. The only thing on my mind is signing."
"Are you really going to try to hook up with someone?"
"At least I want to meet someone. Even if it's just a friend."
"What a faggot~"
" We both know I'm not, if anything, you're the one who looks the most like a gay man."
"So why do you say you want to meet someone new, huh??" I continued to tease him.
"Because I can make a friend, but I definitely only accept girlfriends! You'd definitely try to hook up with another Subaru!"
"If anything, I'd go for a Rem!"
"But Emilia's better!!! And the Subaru and Emilia ship is cannon!"
"Rem's could be too if the author wasn't afraid of success!"
The whole hangout was based on conversations, either silly or normal, with a thousand and one things to talk about.
It's nice to be able to talk this way, although it's not essential. I could go on all day without saying a word and it wouldn't be a problem. During one of the jokes we were making, a sensitive subject came up, at least for me.
"...Well, for good measure, there's your sister."
"If you want to be four meters underground, go ahead."
"What's wrong? Do you think I'm going to commit suicide with her in a super romantic way?"
I sighed at his comment. "If it's just you who commits suicide, I have no problem."
"Huh?"
Completely ignoring his surprise, I continued.
"Well, I've told you several times that I'm worried about how my sister's been. I guess the class change must have affected her a bit."
"Has she been more depressed lately?"
"No, but she hasn't been normal. She'd normaly tease me more by herself. She's only come up to my room twice!"
The moment I finished that, &$%"! put her arm around my neck, while patting my chest with the other.
"I think you're worrying too much. I'm sure she's fine, she always is. It seems surreal, but that's who she is. Besides, if she doesn't tell you anything, it's because she doesn't want to worry you, even though you're still worrying…"
"Maybe you're right, but I still want to think that's not the case. Even though it's a new stage for her, I want to know how she's feeling."
"Why?"
"It's kind of surreal, like you said. That's why I want to think that if I come home now without warning, I'll find her crying, or listening to depressing music, or something like that. I want to find her in a similar state, because otherwise she won't tell me, no matter how much I want her to."
With a hint of hope in my eyes, I also thought about her future in that class.
"And I also want her to tell me how her new class is going. If I find out she's made any friends, I'll…"
"Then why don't we go?"
"Huh?"
"If you're so worried, let's go now."
That sudden proposition made by him was a sucess as I agreed to his idea inmediately, and we went to my house. We walked from the place we were to my house, but it took a while. We didn't even notice how long the walk was, as we got so distracted at such degree that we forgot we were going to my house.
The moment we arrived, as I was about to open the door, &$%"! started laughing. At the time, I had no idea if it was at me or something of his, although it didn't take me long to realize that, since as soon as I opened the door, he shouted.
"My love!!! I'm home!!!"
Honestly, it even made me laugh, even though I knew how little my sister finds those kinds of jokes funny, especially if they're from &$%"!.
Despite everything, my plan to surprise Amaya was gone, since she'd probably find out. Although, she let us know in a strange way. First, there was a light knock, but then...
BAM!
Another, louder knock followed. It came from her room, so she was probably scared by both the scream and the message. I'm not judging her. Someone like &$%"! saying that is reason enough to call the police. At least I would. To top it all off, she's not the only one who's been scared by that.
"FUCK!!!"
&$%"! freaked out when she heard the knock. I guess he wasn't expecting it, which seems normal to me, although I certainly wasn't expecting his reaction.
"What's wrong, &$%"!? Do you think a ghost possessed your beloved and now you're scared shitless?"
"Why should I be scared! It just took me by surprise!"
"You have nothing to be ashamed of, you can hold my hand if you want. Actually, no, it disgusts me~" I took the opportunity to mock him as much as I could, although in the end my shoulder ended up red thanks to violence.
"If you don't stop the easy way, you'll stop the hard way. Period."
"Okay, dude, but it wasn't that big a deal."
"Yes, it was!"
"But it's just a joke!!"
We stood like that for a while, until we decided to go up. Amaya hadn't come out of her room, so she must have caused something wrong.
When I got to the door, I hesitated for a moment whether to open it or not. I have no idea why. Even &$%"! thought it was weird. I kept my hand on the handle for a while, but didn't do anything.
"Do you want to open the door now?"
"Oh, yeah, sure, sorry."
"It's not like you need to apologize either…"
I began to open it slowly, and when I saw inside the room…
Oh no!! Amaya had hung herself from the ceiling!… Just kidding, although it was still somewhat surprising.
Amaya was in bed, curled up in a corner of it, and she also had a scarf wrapped around her neck, but that wasn't what stood out.
Not far from her, one of the handles of her bedroom's ceiling fan was lying on the floor. I wasn't sure what had happened, but I was worried about what might have happened to her.
"Are you okay, Amaya?!"
&$%"! just looked behind me, probably surprised and confused.
I tried to approach her, but she spoke before I could.
"I was just lying in bed, and out of nowhere, the fan handle fell off..."
"Were you sick?"
"Yes, but it's not that bad..."
In the end, I ended up making her sick...
"Have you had something?"
"Yes, a little while ago. Im a bit better now, and I was thinking of going back to my PC. Lucky I stayed here a little longer..."
Luckily, the handle hadn't broken anything on the floor, nor had his chair. Still, acording to her, the fan piece did fall on her seat.
Looking at the fan, I saw that it had come out of its slot, it wasn't broken or anything, it was just very loose.
About four years ago, the same thing happened to me. I used to have this fan in my room, but since they bought me a new one, they decided to give my sister this one. I remember she was happier than I was with mine.
My father must have trusted the repair he made a lot not to have thrown it away. I don't know if it was worth it, to be honest. You get such a fright...
Well, at least it wasn't anything that required calling emergency services or anything, and thank goodness for that.
I turned to talk to &$%"! .
"Well, it was kind of worth it to listen to you in the end, but it's not like-"
"Riku, can I talk to you alone?"
&$%"! cut me off. I was about to tease her again, but I noticed her expression was simultaneously serious and worried for some reason. She grabbed my arm and pulled me out of Amaya's room.
"What's wrong??"
She didn't answer until we reached my room, after closing the door. Amaya didn't follow us at all, I guess out of respect.
"The last time we went out, all together in the summer, she wasn't like this."
"Well, I understand she was more cheerful back then, but that's because she was hanging out with us."
"It still seems too strange to me…"
"&$%"!, is this why you brought me to my room like that? Or what, are you going to confess to me?" I put on my mocking tone, the one I always use.
"No, I'm taking it seriously. She looks much worse than usual. And I'm not saying that because she's always sick. She has this knack for looking tired all the time, but I feel like she's worse now."
"Look, she's feeling bad now. She literally told us so. It's normal for her to look bad."
"...Maybe I'm doubting too much…"
" I understand you're worried about her, but it's okay. Trust her. I'm sure if she wasn't sick, you wouldn't say things like that."
"But what about the scarf?"
"...?"
"A scarf in summer??"
"She's a cold-feeling person overall. Guess she has a sore throat or something like that, her voice did sound a bit rough."
"…" Parecía como si &$%"! quisiera decir algo más, pero decidió callárselo.
"Look, I'm worried too. But as I told you before, it's because of the class change."
"Has she told you anything about that?"
"I haven't asked her, and she hasn't told me anything yet. I prefer to give her space, at least for now. I know that if something good happens to her, she'll come and rub it in my face without a second thought."
"What if something bad happens to her?"
"...She'll tell me. If I ask her, she'll tell me. Anyway, it's not like she's weak. If something bad happens to her, she'll probably ignore it and move on."
"Yes…"
A moment of silence arose in the room, as &$%"! gave everything a second thought.
"I-I don't know why I got like this."
"Just so you know, I'm never going to let you take her."
"That's the first thing I'm going to do when I turn 18!"
When I told another joke, this time he actually played along. I tried to end the conversation.
"And, by the way, why did you bring me here so abruptly?"
"Er, it was just a moment. I didn't want Amaya to hear us either."
I sighed at his lame excuse.
It's pointless to rack your brains over things like that, without any basis. Besides, if for some reason he was feeling that way, he would have already talked to me about it.
Although, one thing I can't deny, even if I do, is how reserved she is.
Amaya has only opened up to me completely once, to the point of saying absolutely everything she feels, and that was when our grandmother died.
She was my grandmother on my mother's side. My grandparents on my father's side died in an accident before Amaya was even born.
She lived at home with us, as my grandfather died before I was born too. My sister didn't know him well either, and if she did, she probably wouldn't remember him either, she was still very young.
Despite that, my grandmother was very happy with the four of us at home, and the rest were happy to have her, especially my mother.
She was very well-behaved, and not only that, but in my eyes, she was smart and very wise. She was very kind, and perhaps too kind to me and Amaya. Just because she was kind doesn't mean she didn't educate us.
Amaya learned most of the housework from my grandmother. She taught me, well, practically everything I know now. However, what helped me most from her was taking away my embarrassment, even if it was just a little bit.
I went with her every day to buy bread. At first, I clung to her, never wanting to let go. I was afraid of everything around me, staring at the ground, unable to speak. When I got to the store, I couldn't even get in.
Little by little, she took away my fear, allowing me to enter the store, leave without having to hold her, look straight ahead without fear, and eventually, be the one who bought the bread. My grandmother still accompanied me, of course.
The last time I went for bread, I went without her. She told me I could do it perfectly well on my own, and that she was only preventing me from getting better.
Most of my memories from that time are hazy, but without a doubt, those were the best years of my life.
I was still a child. My sister always played with me every day. School was very easy, I didn't have to study, and I passed everything. At home, I didn't have to do anything either, but occasionally I would help my grandmother cook or do some homework.
All this changed when I was 8 years old. My parents kept it a secret from us that my grandmother was very prone to cancer. She underwent treatment for a full year to prevent it, but eventually, even with all of that effort, it emerged. It was liver cancer.
At first, it was hard to accept, but we were able to stay with her at home for six months, going to the doctor for treatment when necessary. After six months, she got worse, and they had to admit her to the hospital.
I used to visit her every day with my sister, and my parents did so in their free time as well, specially my mother. Fortunately, we were able to make sure she didn't feel alone. Along with her admission, came more intensive treatment.
They had to cut her hair because of her behavior. The doctors gave him about 7 months, although only my parents knew this. How could they tell their children?
The reason all this stopped being good wasn't particularly because of this, because I was just as happy, even though I knew how badly my grandmother was feeling. But I still thought that one day she would return home.
What I did wrong happened five months after she was admitted. I don't want to think about it; the mere thought of it disgusts me.
I can't even look back at it because what I did at that moment disgusts me.
If I could go back, I'd kick that kid's ass.
I hate him.
3.
" Well, then I'm sorry for saying all that…"
"No, it's okay. Although I should be the one worried."
"Just because you're her brother doesn't mean the rest of us can't worry too."
"I know you just want to look good in front of me so I'll let you hook up with my sister, but you should know that if you do that, you won't be my friend anymore."
"Of course, then we'll be family."
After a brief silence, we both started laughing a bit. At least our spirits have returned.
After that, we went back to my sister's room.
"Your sister is sick, and the first thing you do is hook up with your friend…"
"What's wrong, do you want us to take care of you?" &$%" said.
"I'd rather die from this sore throat than have you lay your hands on me."
"Wow, I can see you're having a hard time," I scolded &$%"!
"Give me a month and you'll see."
After fooling around for a while longer, we picked up the fan handle and left it leaning to the side where it wouldn't get in the way. I'll tell my dad later to fix it. After that, my sister didn't want to lie down anymore. It was as if the fright had cured her fever, and now she only had a runny nose. She didn't want to take off her scarf, though.
"By the way, did you just come to bother me, or do you want something else?" my sister said, sounding slightly annoyed and hoarse. Still, you could tell she was happy to see us. She's a terrible liar.
"No, we just came to bother you."
"I came for that, and for water too."
"When did you ask me for water?"
"No, not once, just now I'm thirsty."
"What a shitty excuse... Well, if all this has been keeping you busy, the door is calling."
"Are you kicking us out so fast?"
"Yes! I can't play quietly with two retarded kids in my room." Even now she's laughing at us...
"You know bad people can't play computer games, right?"
" I-I'm better now! Come on! Fus, fus!"
"Okay, okay, then we'll leave your room." &$%"! He started to leave.
"Well, here we leave you alone with your big dating game, desperate woman."
"It's not a dating game!!! It's a serious novel in which you're told a touching story and realistic characters, plus-"
I closed the door behind me. Neither of us was willing to listen to his speech. I was the least of all, because I already knew what he was saying wasn't a lie. &$%"! had beaten me to it and was already in the kitchen pouring himself a glass of water.
"You know my house better than your own…"
"Look, if I get thirsty, I'll have to get myself a glass of water, right?"
And he doesn't deny it.
Amaya may have been acting weird lately, but she's going to be okay. She may be sick now, but she'll recover, and then she'll move on.
There's just one thing that bothers me.
She's sick. And she was lying in her bed. It's summer, so she wasn't covered up.
Maybe it wasn't that hot, which is why the fan wasn't on. The handle may have fallen off when it wasn't on.
But... a sore throat? I had a headache yesterday, so it'd be normal for me to pass it down to her...
After seeing my sister, the thirsty man and I hung out for a bit longer, although that bit ended up dragging on. We agreed to meet for dinner, even though we were going to the convention tomorrow.
We went to a fast food restaurant near &$%"!'s neighborhood, which is doing surprisingly well.
It was very entertaining. I didn't have time to realize I'd been mentally blank the entire time.
When you forget who you are, or the things that happen to you, you have more fun. Especially when you bring together two 15-year-olds who share a brain cell.
I got home tired, but I had enjoyed it.
I barely spoke to my sister because the topic of conversation didn't come up, although I did ask my father about the fan.
"Have you looked at it yet?"
"I'll look at it on Sunday. If it's broken again, it would be better to replace it right away."
My father left work earlier, even though I told him nothing had happened to Amaya.
I don't know if it was a good decision for him, but if he came, I suppose he doesn't regret it.
My father was talking to my sister during dinner about what had happened. He was mostly confused, because he was sure he'd fixed it all right.
I guess the fan was on its last legs.
After finishing dinner, I watched videos on the computer for a while.
He asked me if I would break the streak of dreams today or not…
This has been by far the most interesting week I've ever had in my entire life. There hasn't been a single day where nothing has happened, and then there's the dream thing.
I almost never dream. Not counting the last few, I hadn't had a dream in about two years. Whenever I slept, I did so in complete peace.
"...Could it be a mental illness?" I said out loud, to no one in particular.
I wasn't sure. So, what better thing to do than look it up on the internet?
" Yes ," it turned out that it was a mental problem…
Well, for now I'm going to wait until I have 7 dreams in a row, then I'll see.
It's not like I'm going to trust what the internet tells me. I'm not that stupid.
While I was overthinking, I remembered I had to get up early today. Hopefully, I won't get excited and nervous at night, and that way I'll sleep well.
Thank goodness I wasn't wrong, and it wasn't long before I went to sleep.
4.
Do I exist?
I'm surrounded by billions of buildings. I feel like I've been walking these streets for centuries without stopping.
They're always packed. Day or night, there are always people. But not just any people. There are many groups of people. Whether they're two, three, or ten, there's always someone with someone.
I don't know what they're talking about, I don't understand what they're saying. I can't see their faces, I can't look over their shoulders. There are voices I can't even give a body to, I don't recognize their identity.
He's with her. She's with that one. That one with that one. All of them with all of them.
"Can I join?"
I asked a group. I didn't understand what they were saying, but they sounded annoyed.
"Can I join?" I asked another group. They completely ignored me.
I'm alone. Why can't I be with anyone?
Why?
Why won't they come near me? I want them to come near me...
Everyone is unique
Every person has something different about them. Whether it's their clothing, their indecipherable voice, or their expressions. From time to time I try to look at their faces, but I see nothing but blackness.
Yes. Whenever I look ahead, half of my vision goes black. If I look up, searching the sky, I see nothing. The darkness consumes me. If I look down, I only see the ground and the shoes of the people around me.
Each one has different colored shoes. Some wear boots, others sandals, and others even go barefoot.
That's when I realize, everyone wears shoes. No. It's not that. Everyone has feet. Everyone has legs. But what about me?
I look down again and realize I'm wearing nothing. I have nothing, I'm not naked, I'm simply nothing. But that's absurd, isn't it? I'm here, but I'm not taking my place. If so, why don't I exist? What part of me exists?
I'm a white dot swimming in a black sea.
If I were a bird flying over the city, I'd see tons of people. But something that stands out even more than the crowd is that empty space.
Could you say that space is really empty?
- I don't know, I'm a pigeon.
Are you a dove, dove?
-Yes, I'm a bird that flies through the skies, in urban areas, looking for scraps of food.
So, what am I?
-You don't know?
No.
"You're nothing, or at least that's how I see it. Because I don't see anything.
I'm nothing? Impossible.
"Yes, you're nothing, because I don't see anything. But I am talking to something, right?"
What do you mean? I'm a white hole, therefore, I am something. Right?
-No. What you think you are is actually the lack of something. That's why you are nothing. You, a white void, are the lack of something.
And so, how is it that I can speak? How am I here with you?
"That nothingness is already something, because that nothingness has a voice. And even if it didn't have a voice, it would still be something, because it's something that exists. It may not be something material, but whoever it is, if you ask what's in that space, they'll tell you 'nothing.'"
"You are 'nothing'"
How can nothing exist?
-There is a void in which there is nothing, therefore, the nothingness present in that void is something, even if it doesn't exist.
So, do I exist?
When I asked that question, the dove flew away, flying toward the horizon. The one I couldn't see.
"Yes. You exist."
Someone's speaking behind me—a familiar voice. But when I turned around, I didn't see anyone.
Wait, there's no one here?
I went around in circles, but I didn't see anyone. That sea has dried up, there's not a drop of life in these streets, but I can see everything.
The ground, the street, the sky, the buildings, the sidewalks, the benches. Everything. I can see EVERYTHING.
I raised my arm in front of me. I can see him, I can see myself. I see myself.
I have a shape that defines me, a body that's mine. Is it mine? Do I really have a body all to myself? When I realized this, the truth was revealed to me. It's a body all to myself, yes. That's why no one will ever see it.
No one will know who I am, except myself-
"Liar."
A voice, a person, is speaking to me, now facing me. I don't know who it is, but I know whose voice it is. And can he see me?
" I know who you are, too."
Another voice sounded. And as soon as I heard it, I remembered. I remembered that I'd forgotten something.
-I forgot that blue hole, floating in a black sea.
I woke up from the dream.