I didn't want to get up. I was tired from walking so much. Something tells me I should wake up, but I just don't want to. I don't mind sleeping in a car. I just want to sleep a little longer, even if someone is—
" -ku, wake up, let's go."
"...Mhh?"
"Look, but you're still alive!"
"Did I fall asleep?"
"Yes, but don't worry."
I got up quickly, especially because of the discomfort. It didn't take long for me to grab my backpack and my bag with all my things.
" Thank you so much for bringing me here." They had dropped me off in front of my house. They didn't have to go to the trouble of doing that, either.
"It's okay. By the way, is anyone home?" asked &$%"!'s mother.
" My father should still be at work, but my sister will most likely be in her room."
"You have keys, right?"
"Of course."
"Perfect. Have a good night, then."
"Likewise."
"Goodbye, Riku."
"Goodbye."
I closed the car door, and they left.
The night was quite bright, thanks to the full moon. It was a shame there weren't a single star to be seen.
I approached the door to open it while taking out the key. There was a lamppost above the door, so I could see the lock perfectly. I took out the key and used it to open the door.
I'm going to surprise Amaya...
There didn't seem to be any light on in the house. I guess my sister's off on drugs, or doing something typical of hers. Im glad she doesn't do actual drugs.
Upon entering, I turned on the hall light, took off my shoes, and closed the door behind me.
Then I went into the living room, where I placed everything I was bringing on the table and also opened the gift box. I had planned to go up to my sister's room and surprise her with the figurine, like:
"Surprise! Amaya, look what I brought you!"
"Oh! Don't tell me, it's for me?!"
"Yes, I'm going to give it to you."
"THANK YOU SO MUCH, RIKU!!!!" And she smiles, while jumping for joy, holding the figurine, and looking at it excitedly.
Ahhh, I can't get the image out of my head now…
But before doing anything, I threw myself onto the couch.
"Ahhh, I can wait a moment for that…"
Although I have been sleeping in their car for a while, I was still very tired.
Plus, there's nothing that can match the comfort of sitting here, it makes me want to lie down and everything.
"… Is she really going to like it?"
Why am I hesitating about it? Even if she doesn't like it, the mere thought of having bought her something will be enough...
-Will it be?
I sighed, at my own doubt. "I'm useless even at this. It's only natural that he tells me I'm just being lazy."
And the worst thing is that I settle for it!
But you're right. I should start studying, even if I don't need to. I already get really good grades without even studying, but I do need to prepare myself for the future.
At the very least, I should prepare myself for when I need to study. And I should also start helping out at home!
If I was able to talk to complete strangers today, then I am capable of anything!
I jumped up from the couch instantly. "Whoo! Come on! If I don't give it to her now, I'll never be able to give it!"
I picked up the figure and started up the stairs. I had to slow down my enthusiasm and climb slowly. I didn't want Amaya to notice I was climbing. Although the loud voice I just gave may've busted my plan.
When I got upstairs, I turned on the hall light. I didn't want to use my phone's flashlight.
Maybe he's aware that I've arrived, but he's probably already heard me open the front door.
I walked slowly down the hall, just in case, and soon, I reached the door.
I assumed she was asleep, since I couldn't hear anything.
If so, I'll go in slowly, to wake her up with a surprise. I grabbed the handle and opened the door slowly.
When the light illuminated part of the room, someone was lying on the floor.
Her feet were facing the door. The more I watched, the less I understood what was happening.
It wasn't normal for someone to be lying on the ground. But his hands were stained with-
"..."
I stayed quiet, trying to figue out what was going on.
That person's hands were stained with blood. But it wasn't just her hands. Her shirt was soaked with it, especially her neck.
No, it's not that her neck was stained with blood, the blood was coming out of his neck.
Time stopped for a moment.
My body reacted unconsciously, I was taking out my phone, but I wasn't able to process it.
What was going on?
I didn't know if it was true or not, but the light in the hallway made it easier for me to see the scene.
There was a knife.
Near one of her hands was a knife.
While blood was still flowing from her slashed throat, I stood there, still, holding my phone. I still couldn't understand what that person was doing there.
What? What's this? Is this a joke? A bad dream? I don't find this funny at all. What the fuck is this? What the fuck is going on? Who did this?
This isn't true. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
It's just a dream, a joke in bad taste. It's not true, it's not true, it's not true, it's not true.
What's this body doing here?! What's this, a crime scene?! It's not like this is a bank!
This isn't happening. No. There should be someone here. Someone I know. There shouldn't be anyone lying on the ground.
What was I coming for in the first place?
Yes. Amaya. Where is her? This is her room, isn't it?
While I had a thousand and one thoughts in a single second, I looked at the face of the person lying on the ground.
She was pale.
She had purple dark circles under her eyes that stood out more than her eyes.
His eyes.
His eyes.
His eyes.
The light in her eyes was gone.
That's when it hit me.
I know who's eyes are these.
I know this-
"AMAYA!"
I lunged at her as fast as I could, throwing myself on top of her, and releasing the figure from my hands, still with my phone in hand.
I turned my attention to his wound.
Black. It didn't look like blood. It was coming from his neck. It was warm. It smelled disgusting. I wanted to stop it. How?
I realized I had my cell phone at hand. I turned it on.
My hands were shaking. It was hard to dial 119, but I eventually did it. It didn't take long for them to pick up the phone.
"This is-" I interrupted the person behind the phone, and it didn't take me a second to give them my address.
I couldn't hear what I was saying, much less what was coming from the other end of the phone. The ringing in my ears wouldn't let me. Everything was spinning. I put the call on speakerphone anyway.
Everything glew white, as if I were drugged, flashed with the morning light.
"P-please, come here. A-Amaya, Amaya is…" My voice was shaking. I wasn't thinking about what I was saying. I wasn't thinking. About anything. I didn't know what to do. I was blank.
What am I supposed to do?!
"Please bring an ambulance!" I begged pathetically. As soon as I said that, I threw my phone to the floor to see Amaya, my phone on speaker mode.
I couldn't make sense of anything, less of what I was seeing, what I was staring at.
They were talking to me. What were they saying? Oh, yes.
Blood, Blood, Blood, Blood, Blood, Blood, Blood, Amaya, Blood, Blood, Blood, Blood, Blood, Blood, Amaya, Blood, Blood, Blood.
My attention was on his wound, and only on it.
I was frozen. I wasn't moving at all. I wasn't acting. I was just thinking. But what? What do I have to think about to make everything go well?
Ah, yes. That's true. Blood was still coming out. It was warm. Amaya still. Can I? Can I?
No, I can do it. She's just unconscious. As soon as she wakes up, I'll be able to look her in the eyes. She's not going to die so quickly! She shouldn't.
Amaya, Amaya is strong. Yes. This is nothing. It's nonsense. After they treat her, nothing will happen, everything will come back to normal. This is just a dream.
I'm not going to leave her! No No NO .
I'm going to save her! Yes Yes YES.
I'm not going to let her alone , I'm her brother!
I'm your brother, and I'm going to help you . I'm your-
"You are his murderer"
1.
A white space. Everything around me was a white space. I was in that white space, on my knees, helping her until just a moment ago.
My hands. My shirt, my face. For some reason, it was stained with tiny drops of blood, but my hands were covered in it.
I couldn't hear anything. I couldn't see anything. Everything was-
A white place. I don't know what this is, what is this? And Amaya?
"Amaya!" I shout her name, while looking at the ground. Surprised and angry, I look at the ground, I look at the ground.
"Ah...Ah!…" I gasped.
AMAYA, AMAYA, AMAYA, AMAYA, AMAYA, AMAYA, AMAYA, AMAYA.
A white place. Everything around me was white. I was in that space. He was in that space. He was standing in front of me.
Wait. It's him. He called me that. This son of a-
'Where's Amaya?' I was, to say the least, desperate.
"I didn't take her anywhere, it was you."It was me me, me, me, me.
The person in front of me was staring at me like I was a vermin. He was looking down on me. It disgusts me. He should be dead.
A white place. He wasn't wearing the same clothes as me, but I've seen those clothes before.
A white place. I know that hair.
A white place. That look.
A white place. That voice.
A white place. What did he just say?
"Amaya…" Hatred. Contempt. Envy.
" You're too late." Laziness.
"GIVE ME BACK AMAYA!"
I tore at my throat. I stood up and punched him full in the face. I hit him again and again. I was out of my mind.
Every time I hit him, I felt nothing. I couldn't feel my fists, nothing hurt. I just wanted to hit him. Again and again and again.
'Amaya, Ayama, Ayama.'
I couldn't stop repeating that name. I was going to kill him. His face was disfigured. It would be a surprise to anyone to say that it used to be a person's face.
I was getting tired. I was hitting him with less and less force, and at a slower pace. I was struggling to breathe. But I didn't want to stop. One last punch. Just one more.
But, before giving it to him...
I got lost. I got lost in a white place.
Riku was on his knees, staring straight ahead. Staring at a white horizon. There was someone in front of him. There he was.
I want to kill him, I'm going to kill him, I've already killed him, but he's there... Wait. I can't move. What? How? Why?
"What manners. Is this how you greet someone?" His voice was angry and irritated, but his face was calm. He was young, like Riku, perhaps too similar to Riku.
"Oh, whatever. Just know that you brought this on yourself. It's because you're such a savage. If you keep hitting on people like that, you're not going to get anywhere." His voice was calm. Even after being assaulted like that, he didn't hold a grudge against Riku.
The strange thing was the lack of any physical damage. His face was untouched, as if nothing had happened. Riku was confused.
"Well, tell me, where's your excuse?" He looked at Riku. He lowered his gaze. He watched him as if he were a bug.
What excuse? I don't care. Amaya. Give me Amaya. I'm going to save her. She's going to be okay. She's going to-
He looked blank for a moment. He looked up at the sky, and after a while, he started to laugh.
"Even I'm not that optimistic! We both know what's happening, and what's going to happen.
"It doesn't matter if they take her to the hospital. It doesn't matter what they do to her. It's annoying, yes, but I've accepted it."
Be quiet.
SHUT UP YOU SON OF A BITCH WHAT DID YOU DO TO AMAYA GIVE IT BACK TO ME I'M NOT GOING TO FORGIVE YOU YOU FUCKING BULLSHIT BLOWJOB SHIT EATING IDIOT WHAT DID YOU DO TO AMAYA.
He kept laughing, while Riku was on his knees.
He couldn't move, no matter how hard he tried. He couldn't move the muscles in his face. Nor his eyebrows, nor his mouth. He couldn't show the darkest, most rotten part of his anger.
"Don't you think this is funny? Why are you angry? I didn't do anything! I'm clean! Spotless! Officer, I'm innocent!"
Every time he exclaimed something, he would move his hands in an exaggerated way. He spoke with a comical tone, as if he were in a comedy club.
"This is funnier the more you think about it!" He shouted to the heavens, spreading his hands.
Silence. Only his breathing could be heard. Was he alive? Riku wondered.
Having calmed down, he spoke to him again.
" I see you don't understand what's going on here, and that you don't understand your position either. Ahhh, yes, it's a shame, a pity, a disappointment, what a pain! Thank goodness a kind soul came down to explain everything. But anyway, if you get this angry, I'm going to have to put you to sleep, one way or another."
Riku was still going crazy, his mind a jumble of uncontrolled emotions, which he couldn't release in any way.
I was in a cage, in a shell. A shell of flesh that refused to listen to my commands. Kill, kill, kill , was all I could think about.
But I could hear everything he said.
"Although, I can't put you to sleep. If I do, what will I gain? You won't learn anything this way."
He thought about it, putting his hand to his chin.
"I got it! Yes, yes, you're a genius. I'm sorry, my friend, but since you won't cooperate, I'll have to take you out of this world. Don't worry, because…
"...I'm not going to abandon you."
He was grinning from cheek to cheek, grotesquely. The moment he said those words, everything went black.
There was Riku. He didn't want to see anything. He wanted to close his eyes. But he couldn't move either. He couldn't close them. All he could do was see.
His sister's body. That was all he could see. The fleeting vividness of her blood. Her body lying on the cold ground. Her lifeless eyes. Her throat completely slit.
Everything. He saw everything and nothing at the same time.
He saw everything, because that was the definition of "Everything" for Riku.
He saw nothing, because nothing remained of that "Everything" Riku believed in. There was only a piece of flesh that resembled that everything, lying on the ground, stripped of even the smallest glimmer of life.
He didn't want to accept it. He didn't want to face it. But it was enough evidence.
Although her body was still warm, it was too late, Riku thought, since she wasn't breathing.
Soon, she'd lose that warmth, and her heart would stop, if it didn't already. She just had to wait. No matter what he did, it would all be in vain.
Little by little, he was able to move his eyes. Just his eyes. He didn't close them immediately. He closed them little by little. And the more he closed them, the more he heard that word.
Murderer, Murderer, Murderer, Murderer.
That word repeated itself in his mind countless times, one after the other, one on top of the other.
No, No, No, No.
The only thing Riku could do was deny it. There was nothing else he could do. But he had to close his eyes. It was better to face a thousand lies than to witness a single truth.
Overwhelmed by the noise, Riku managed to close his eyes.
2.
"Hello."
He was standing in front of Riku again. The voices had faded away.
It wasn't me.
"Don't try to escape from it." He still had a slight smile on his face.
I haven't done it…
" This is all your fault."
I wanted to help her…
"You killed her."
His words echoed in Riku's ears. Riku tried to cover his face. When he did, he felt an intense warmth. Not from his hands, but from the blood on them.
He had smeared that blood all over his face. Standing up, Riku collapsed, falling to his knees on the ground, bracing himself with his hands to keep from falling completely.
"Ha? Are you going to get on all fours now? Come on, I'm just telling you the truth." He spoke to Riku in a moderately friendly tone, although it was clear he didn't mean to take pity on Riku.
I… with my own hands… No… it's not possible…
When he heard Riku say that, the smile on his face widened considerably.
"Yes, you did it all by yourself. It was quite a sight! Although it took a long time. Poor thing." A brief tinge of sadness crept in after his recurring ecstasy.
"But, you know, it's ironic. Why are you trying to run away? Why can't you look her in the face? If it's true, how can you fall twice on the same rock? You're going to abandon someone you love again, and you don't care? Can't you even realize what you're doing wrong? How is it—"
As he continued talking, Riku began to remember.
"… Fall twice on the same stone?" he thought unconsciously.
What have I done wrong? Have I… abandoned her? No. I, I haven't done it, have I? Now I haven't done the same thing as before! This is different!…
Is it? I haven't repeated it. I wasn't repeating my mistake.
I haven't abandoned her the way I abandoned my grandmother, have I?
3.
When she had to go to the hospital to be treated, time passed, and I went to visit her.
All her hair had been cut off, she looked paler, and she was thin.
My mother warned me not to go in, but I did it anyway. I wanted to see my grandmother. I just didn't know what she looked like.
As soon as I saw Grandma like that, I yelled at the nurses to get her out of there. I begged them to remove all the tubes stuck in her, to give her hair back, to give her back her body.
My mother started yelling at me in tears. She told me to stop talking such nonsense.
Loudly, she explained to me that she had decided to come in, and if I was upset about it, then I was a fool. If I had any complaints, I would have to tell my grandmother, and no one else.
That's when I started to see my mother in a bad light. No, that's when I started to see the truth. Before, I was just trying to let it go. Speaking to me like that, with that voice...
Grandma tried to calm me down. She called me, saying she was fine. I told her she couldn't be like this, that she should come home, but she said that was her house now.
I started yelling at her. I asked her why she didn't want to go home, why she wanted to stay there. She told me it was the best thing for her, and that she couldn't change that. She said she wanted to be home with all of us.
She told me he was going to get better. She told me he was going to come home.
That was the first time she lied to me. And I could tell. She didn't sound convincing. That tone, calm and serene, confident and comforting, couldn't fool me. I hated that she lied to me, so I...
No, I don't want to remember-
"You told her she was an idiot, that she didn't love her family. You said you hated her, and you ran out of the hospital.
"Your sister followed you, trying to talk to you and calm you down, but you rejected her. You told her to leave you alone, that you never wanted to see Grandma again. You were like that for a whole month.
"Your anger didn't last long, but the resentment lingered. You barely spoke to your mother, and she, with her limited patience, yelled at you almost daily. There wasn't a day you didn't have a problem with her. It was as if the mother you knew had left."
"And then there was your poor father. He had to endure your mother's tantrums, even though he hadn't done anything. First she'd yell at you, and then at your father. Amaya was the only one spared.
"That she should send you to a boarding school, or a monastery; That she should ground you forever. All your mother cared about was complaining about you. Then anyone would think like you. 'She's more worried about yelling at me than about Grandma's health.'
"But it was also your fault. A kid shouldn't behave that bad, a kid shouldn't be that selfish. You were too full of youself to even being to think of others. She was the only one that could help you.
"Everything changed when, another month later, your mother had to go grocery shopping. Strangely, she took longer than usual. Some time later, you found out what had happened.
"Your grandmother had died.
" You didn't want to leave your room for a whole week, and your mother stopped chasing you loudly. It was only because of her that you got out…"
Suddenly, I wasn't there anymore. I was remembering, seeing that moment from five years ago.
Someone was knocking on my door. I was locked in my room, playing with my tablet, like I always did when I was little. If I wasn't on the tablet, I was playing with some toy.
I didn't answer, but the person knocking on the door decided to come in, even though I had told her a hundred times to leave me alone.
There are many things I've said to my father and sister that I regret, and for which I've already apologized, but it still makes me sick every time I think about it. It makes my stomach turn.
"Riku…" My sister said, leaving the door half open, and peeking through.
"Leave me in pea-" I replied with the angry and reluctant tone I had the whole time I was locked in my room.
"Please!" she pleaded, her voice clearly filled with sadness and fear.
I didn't answer her, but I let her stay.
It was the first time I'd heard her so hurt, with such a weak voice. Even though I was a child, I knew she was in trouble. It made me feel bad, too.
"…"
"I… Can I talk to you?"
"…Yes."
She wanted to help me. Even though she didn't know how, she wanted to get me out of there, and have the little brother she'd always been with back.
I gave my back to her at the time. I didn't want to look at her. Not out of disgust or anger, but out of fear. I didn't want to see her face. I didn't want to know if she was mad at me for behaving like that. I didn't want her to hit me; I thought she was going to do something bad to me.
Sometimes when we played, we hit each other. Obviously, we didn't mean to hurt anyone. Occasionally, someone would go too far, but we'd soon make up for it and hit again. That wasn't the only thing we did, of course. We weren't that weird.
When Mom saw us like this, she'd get angry with both of us. On the other hand, our grandmother never stopped us when we were like this. She knew it was a game, and that we were enjoying it. Sometimes she'd even take me by surprise and tickle me. She became very animated when she played with us, despite her age.
I didn't expect her to do what she did at the time.
She didn't say anything after I said yes. I closed my eyes and braced myself for the worst. I though she was going to yell at me like mom, that she'll try to comfort me like dad, but...
"..."
" …Why?"
… She threw herself at my back, and, leaning on my back, she began to cry.
The door was closed, so our mother didn't come up to take her away from me.
She clutched my clothes tightly, crying uncontrollably. It was heartbreaking.
Hearing her cry was horrible. Her voice was so fragile, so broken. Such desperate sobs…
" I… I don't know…"
I started crying next to her.
I hadn't shed a tear since my parents told me what had happened.
I didn't want to, but at the same time I couldn't. I kept trying to distract myself so I wouldn't think about it. But seeing my sister like that, I couldn't stop thinking about my grandmother.
When I thought about her, only one image came to my head: The last time I saw her was when I got angry with her.
What impression did I leave on her? Does she hate me? Has she gone away thinking I'm bad? I thought. And when I realized all this, I started to cry.
I didn't speak during the time I was like that, but my sister babbled a lot of things, some I understood, others I didn't.
"I don't want to lose you too!… Please don't leave me alone…"
Don't leave me alone.
When we calmed down, my sister told me one last thing on the subject.
"And, I wanted to tell you something else. Mom told me not to tell you, so don't say anything, okay?"
" O-okay…"
"It's about Grandma, she wanted me to say something to you. You don't mind hearing it, do you?"
"Y-yes! I want to hear it," I said, mostly afraid.
A flood of thoughts and words ran through my mind, all of them negative. I'm sure Grandma was mad at me and left feeling upset. Why did I have to behave like this?
"I wrote it down on a note. Would you prefer me to read it, or could you read it on your own?"
" I prefer you read it to me..."
"...I'll start now…
" Riku, forgive me for being like this. I don't want to be like this either, but it's my turn. I'm sure you understand why; you're very clever, after all. And, you caring so much about me makes me want to cry, but I won't. I don't want to make you sadder than you already are."
"I love you. I could never be angry with you, especially knowing what a good person you are. Take care of your mother while I'm gone, help your father, and be good to your sister. I just hope that from time to time, you'll come see me. I don't want you to stay angry with me. I'm not angry with you, that's why I want you to come. I don't want you to forget that I love you, Riku. Take care."
My sister finished telling me word for word what my grandmother had said. I felt as if she had told me at that moment. As if she had come back just to tell me those last words.
"Grandma…" It didn't take long for me to start crying again, my voice even more broken. I sobbed profusely, and I began to shake.
I lunged at my sister, hugging her. With no intention of stopping, I grabbed the back of her shirt.
"Forgive me, Grandma!… I… I… I'm sorry…"
I didn't cry for long, but I did spend a lot of time with my sister. She comforted me as much as she could.
She didn't cry again. She cared more about caring for me. Feeling her hand stroke my hair relaxed me. Feeling her warmth calmed me. Feeling her hands holding me calmed me. I found relief just knowing I was with her.
I felt as if my body was floating in space, a warm space, with countless bright stars… A dazzling place, radiating with energy, a place…
A white place.
5.
Riku was lying on the ground, still on his knees, while he was standing nearby, pacing around his collapsed body.
He was behaving like a child. When Riku raised his head, he reacted.
" Wow, you're back! How was your trip?"
Why am I remembering that now? What's the point? No...
Riku's eyes felt empty. Riku was alive, but the glow in them was dim, almost nonexistent.
His eyes, a dark blue hue, lacked that sparkle. Exactly the same sparkle she had.
At that moment, nothing was on his mind. But everything was around him, even if he couldn't see it, right in front of him, there was everything, there was him.
What was I doing? Yeah, I was back from the convention, and I was going to give my sister the gift, and...
His face turned pale at the vivid, nauseating image. Her pupils shrank as much as they could, trembling at what his eyes saw.
He brought his hands to his mouth and thought about her to calm himself. But all he could see was that black liquid staining her completely.
" Blegh!"
As soon as he realized what had happened, an immense pressure invaded his body, and he could contain himself no longer.
Riku began to hyperventilate, while grabbing his chest, as if he wanted to tear it off.
That image repeated itself over and over again in his mind. The image of the person he had seen that same night, the one he was still in.
"If I asked you whether you loved her or not, what would you say?" he said, in a playful, mischievous tone.
What does he want now? I don't have to answer, no, I won't. I hate him. I want him dead. I hate that shitty look in his eyes. Seeing those blue eyes makes me want to rip them out. Isn't the answer obvious?
" Yes it is."
...?
" It's crystal clear. You care about her a lot, right? But you won't be able to see her again. Well, at least you have me, right?"
Riku could feel his blood boiling again. He was getting angry at the person in front of him. He couldn't accept anything that was happening. He wanted to leave everything as it was. But one comment brought him down to earth.
"You've abandoned her." he said, his tone more serious and disappointed, as he stared straight into Riku's eyes.
"Fuck, don't you learn from your mistakes, do you? No, not at all. That's why you keep making them again and again, you don't get anything out of what you've experienced."
"Why do you think it ended up like this?"
" Don't leave me alone." Those words echoed inside me. My sister said them. They were my sister's. I couldn't do anything. No, I just haven't done a damn thing!
"It's pathetic that you claim you want to help her, when you've just been screwing her up the whole time. Your very existence has been a constant pain to her. Just imagine. Your younger brother, the supposedly shy one, makes friends before you do. He brings them home from time to time, and they talk to you. Not content with that, when he gets depressed, he seeks you out, so you can comfort him, like you did that day. He doesn't care about you, he only cares about what you contribute. Shouldn't this be some kind of oppression?"
Whenever I tried to help her, I just ended up crying on her shoulder, without really doing anything. It's like I'm spitting in her face, rubbing it in her face that I do have friends.
"Yes, you are right, you are correct, it is true.
"Certainly!! You're the only one who could help her, and you're the first one who abandoned her and took advantage of her kindness. Whenever you went after her, it was for your own good. You never thought about who was behind that sister. It was always 'my sister,' but it was never Amaya."
He was angry, talking to Riku without any kind of filter. He was telling him what he thought was the truth, what he had really done.
Riku stayed on his knees, accepting what he said, whether he was right or not.
Wanting to do something and actually doing it are completely different things. Dreaming but then doing nothing is lazy, greedy. If you don't fight to achieve that dream, you're nothing. Why didn't I get up? I did nothing but laugh on her face. That's why she's almost never cried in front of me...
Riku's eyes went blank the instant he realized his mistake, completely ignoring the person standing near him, but listening to every word he said.
A single mistake. A mistake so grave that I could never make up for it. Loneliness. Forcing solitude on someone.
I could have been with her. I could have forced her to go out, to get used to being with everyone. But I always had to leave her alone. I had to let her choose.
I never supported her in making the right decision. She almost always chose the safest option, alone. When she didn't, it was when she was out with us.
She had fun, but she never got used to it. She was an outsider. She wasn't part of it. So this was always the riskier option: trying to fit in.
It's difficult, especially if it's somewhere you don't think you should be. Will it be the same in your new class? And in your old one?
We could have gone out every day together. Go to the countryside and look at the starry sky together. We could have done silly things together. She would never have had to worry about not being herself.
I-I should have helped her, I should have supported her. But I left her alone. I...
In the midst of his crisis, he approached Riku, and stood behind him, crouching down in the process.
" Tell me, Riku, what do you see in front of you? Nothing, right?"
…Yeah, nothing. I don't see anything.
" Exactly, there is nothing because you see nothing. No one's going to wait you there."
Yes, there is nothing.
" But what if there was a star? Do you like stars, Riku?"
He was crouching down, staring at Riku's back. Riku, on his knees, was staring at the horizon of that white world, and as soon as the word "Star" was mentioned, everything went black.
Various white dots gradually appeared. And, as if someone had turned on a light, they began to glow.
"There are tens of billions of stars in space. Don't you find it amazing how each one of them is completely different and unique? Each one has its own name. There are so many that I'm sad I can't learn them all… But, little by little, constellation by constellation, I will make friends with them all!" Her voice sounded calm, even kind.
Yes, and they are all beautiful.
"Isn't it? They come in different colors, each with its own history and age. Yes, age. Stars aren't eternal. One day, their brilliance will fade from this world, and no one will remember them. But their death will surely provide a beautiful spectacle. A final dazzling glow, followed by a terrifying, yet beautiful, explosion. And, little by little, all that energy they had will fade." Her voice began to soften.
For every thing he told, the world, always tinged with white, showed exactly what he dictated.
In that black abyss, full of white dots, stars, rather, one stood out, much larger than the rest.
This, in the blink of an eye, converged into a magnificent explosion of colors.
Each color was a part of the star, which became unrecognizable. Slowly, its energy faded, and everything became a field full of stars again.
Yes, it is sad.
" Maybe. But the sad thing isn't the spectacle. The sad thing is the fact that it's gone. You won't see it again. You won't see its brilliance, you won't see its light, nor its colors. But, did you know that stars go in different ways?" His voice gradually sounded more familiar. "
Yes? They do?"
"Yes. There are infinite ways a star bids us farewell. If I wanted to tell you all of them, it would take me an infinite number of years to tell you." I could feel him hugging me…
" But, of all those forms, there is one that scares me a lot, and that I don't like at all, at all."
Yes? And what is it?
Riku grabbed a hand from the arms wrapped around his neck. It was thin and delicate, but above all, soft and clean.
This calm and warmth was interrupted by a pressure on his chest, followed by an unpleasant phrase.
"The most tragic and terrifying way a star can die…"
-It's because of the weight of his own life.
What?
A white place.
Everything faded, and I returned to that place. I stood up from the ground, searching for the person who had been next to me a second ago.
I looked around for someone, but couldn't find anyone. He must be here, I thought. When I looked behind me again, I could see something.
There was someone in front of me. A girl-
"Amaya!"
I lunged at her as fast as I could, only I couldn't at first. I couldn't move, I could only listen. Once again, I was doomed to do nothing. I wanted to tell her everything, but I couldn't say anything. I could only cry. Cry. Cry.
"… Sorry, Riku, but I have to go." She sounded hurt, but tried to cover it up with a positive attitude.
" I know you won't like it, that it's going to hurt. I don't know if you'll even be able to forget me, but I want you to, okay? I don't hate you, I didn't do it for you. I just felt like I wasn't going to get anywhere with what I was doing. I was scared, so scared. When you came to talk to me, when I was lying in bed, sad, and I asked you, I almost cried a whole ocean of tears. But I couldn't. I didn't want you to see me like this, I didn't want you to worry... so, I'm sorry... for being so selfish. "
No, please…
" But I want you to be happy. No, be happy. You're going to be happy, because I know you will be. I... I couldn't go on. Every day I did fewer things, and the ones that distracted me no longer entertained me. The only thing that stood out from everything I had was you, but I knew that one day I would fall behind, and that I would distance myself from you… "
Don't leave me…
At that moment, I noticed Amaya slowly moving away from me, and I felt a presence emerging behind me.
"So before I go, I just want to tell you one last thing."
Hands began to slide down my face, their goal being to cover my eyes.
They were bathed in a warm, viscous liquid, which was staining my entire face.
That liquid also began to sink me, starting from my knees.
While that was happening, Amaya was about to disappear from my sight. She was about to leave.
Before I did, before I lost my sight and succumbed to nothingness, I heard a voice, screaming its last words. A voice soaked in blood.
"I L)v$ /o("
I drowned, with those hands covering my face, My body began to get colder and colder, until something spoke to me, inside that disgusting liquid.
"I will never forgive you."
I lost consciousness, not knowing what would happen to me from now on, not knowing anything.
I was lost, sitting in front of the door of my house.