There were huge spaceships hovering in the air.
And they were shooting lasers and missiles like they had just found out their crush was dating someone else.
I could hear the cries of the people coming from far, like a haunted orchestra conducted by a banshee on crack. Many of them were losing their lives. They were dying.
No plot twist there. Dead means dead. Unless someone pulls a shonen anime move.
I never expected to see something like this in this world.
This is still a slice of life, right?
Where's the "life"? All I'm seeing is sliced people.
I don't want to say this considering the whole apocalypse-vibe going on, but somehow, seeing these spaceships reminded me of something I simply must share. Like a deranged TED Talk no one asked for:
On my first day at astronaut training, I vomited and asked the instructor, "Is this normal?"
He said, "No, not during a written exam."
…
The missiles coming out of the spaceships were busy turning cities into fine powder—like seasoning for a warlord's soup.
But thankfully, they weren't destroying my continent.
"Which five continents have been attacked, Erect?" I asked, slowly flying behind him like an emotionally unavailable girlfriend.
I won't increase my speed unless I know what I'll meet.
I've read enough hentai to know where this is going.
"Gangbang, Cuckwell, where aliens live. And continents such as Penisilia, Hornyler and Hentaiger have been attacked."
Oh no. Not Hentaiger. That place has a publishing industry. Artists must be protected at all costs. Those hands draw for 12 hours a day with no food, like tortured monks with deadlines.
"Have you told all the Heroes to distribute themselves in the three continents that are being attacked?"
"Yes. They are there. They must be fighting. But what about the two continents where Aliens live?"
"They are not important. The Aliens can handle themselves and if they die then it's good for us anyway."
"Alright. But we should hurry, my lord. Increase your speed. You can't take all the decisions from far away like this."
"I am flying fast. I will reach soon." I said but then a sparrow came from behind me and then flew ahead of me.
Erect saw it.
"You are not flying fast at all! A sparrow just went ahead of you!"
I felt like a broken paper plane in a windless classroom.
Look—I don't want to reach there first. Who knows what's inside those ships? Could be aliens. Could be taxes.
Even the Supreme Man has no clue what's in them—and he's the God of this world.
The man's been alive since people thought "fire" was a personality trait, and even he's clueless. That's not a green flag.
"Fly faster, my lord!" Erect screamed like a mom seeing her kid eat a bug.
I gritted my teeth. "Fine. Alright. I'll fly fast. You stay in front and I'll trail behind you like a loyal fart."
"No. You should be in the front. You are the King of this world. And you are the strongest!"
This manipulative, praise-spitting, backhanded compliment-delivering gremlin.
"I will stay behind you in case an attack comes from our back. I will protect you." I said but Erect refused.
"I will do that. I will stay behind and protect you from attacks. I can take care of back shots. I have taken many of them."
This is no time to remember your uncle, dude. And no one's handing out mid-air backshots like free samples at Costco.
Also… I don't want to fly in the front.
Yeah, I know I sound like a coward right now, but listen—if I was brave, I would've told my crush how I felt. Instead, I had to witness her kiss my best friend like they were the final couple in a K-drama and I was the side character with asthma.
The only thing I ever felt proud about was my comedy—and my grandma.
Yeah. That's the hill I'll die on: jokes and old ladies.
The first time I saw an Alien, I was performing on stage. And I wasn't scared.
Why? Because I knew they existed. The Supreme Man told me. And my stats were On. That was a cheat code that gave me fake confidence, like every gym bro ever.
But these spaceships? This unknown nonsense? Even Supreme Man knew nothing about them.
Of course I'm scared. I don't even know if my "On Stats" work here or if this is a patch update that nerfed me into an NPC.
It's like walking down a road you've always known and suddenly—BOOM—a creepy cave opens up out of nowhere.
Would you walk inside? Or go home?
I don't know about you but I would certainly run away with warm liquid in my pants.
What I'm trying to say is—I am afraid of change and the unknown. I have to go through some character development to come out of this shell of mine. But it shouldn't be right now. It can wait. Season 2, maybe?
"What are you thinking, my lord? There is no time. Fly in the front!"
Erect again. Unhinged motivational speaker energy. Probably reads Gary Vee before bed.
Is he not afraid? Or is he so afraid he wants me to go first like a walking meat shield?
[ That's enough ranting, Racis! Stay in the front. You are the Hero King! ]
The Supreme Man just jumped into the group chat.
'F*ck you!'
[ You can. After all this is over. Just go forward for now! ]
This old man. He is even willing to get laid in return for making me stay in the front.
"Come on, my lord!" Erect screamed again. At this point, even the birds around us were like, "Shut up, bro."
I can't find an excuse anymore. I am the King. And no matter how I see it, I have to deal with it.
I want to hold my head in stress but I don't want Erect to see what a wreck of a man I am.
"Fine. Stay behind me. Don't get too far," I ordered, trying not to let my voice crack like a boy hitting puberty during a choir solo.
Erect beamed. "Thank you, my lord. I was scared as fcuk in the front."
This son of a suspicious footnote. I KNEW IT.
"Don't worry. I am here."
"Of course."
Lying through my teeth like a dentist with student loans.
I don't know how long I can act cool.
Erect can show his feelings, because no one expects greatness from a guy named after a constant boner.
But me? I'm the Hero King. The warrior. The symbol.
I can't show fear. I can't even sneeze without people thinking it's a divine sign.
Erect flew behind me, and now I was in the front.
And then the voices came…
"Save me, my lord!"
"Where is my lord?"
"Where is the King?"
"Oh Supreme One, where is your warrior?"
Their voices reached me like desperate emails sent to HR.
And amidst it all, one terrifying thought clawed its way into my head:
What if those lasers were fired at my castle?
What if they hit my grandma?
No.
I can't allow that.
I won't.
Even if I have to fly headfirst into a spaceship's butthole—
They. Won't. Touch. Grandma.
I certainly had to do something. Anything. Before my anxiety started moonwalking in my chest cavity.
"Alright. Erect, full speed," I said, trying to sound like I wasn't about to cry and poop at the same time.
Erect nodded like an obedient minion. "I will try to match your speed."
"No. You can't. Hold my leg. Tight. We'll see the three continents first. Alright?"
"As you say."
And then, without hesitation, this grown-ass man grabbed my right leg with both hands like a child grabbing onto their dad during a thunderstorm.
After that...
I broke the sound barrier.
I broke it like it owed me rent. Like it talked crap about my grandma. Like it laughed at my childhood trauma.
The spaceships were attacking from miles away—But in just two seconds, we yeeted across the sky like budget Avengers and reached the battlefield.
And what I saw...It was like watching the director's cut of hell.
I hovered above the three continents—and all I could see was fire.
Like the world itself had opened 666 tabs of "flame.mp4" on autoplay.
Houses were burning, people were dying—like flies trapped in a microwave.
Heroes were trying to parry the missiles and lasers—but it was pointless. Wherever they blocked the attacks, the missiles just decided to land there instead.
Smart bombs. Stupid world.
Some Heroes flew up and used their powers on the ships—spamming their cool abilities like this was a cutscene.
But the ships stayed untouched. Not even a scratch. Not even a dent. Even a used frying pan does more damage than these heroes.
"Everyone!" I shouted, loud enough to drown out the death and destruction.
The Heroes looked up like orphans seeing Santa.
"My lord!"
"You came!"
Yeah. I showed up. Mentally screaming, physically shaking, emotionally bankrupt—but here I was.
"Yes. Take the citizens somewhere safe. Those who are injured, treat them. And those who have died... they have my condolences." I said it like a responsible king. Inside, I was praying someone would hand me a chocolate bar and tell me this was all a prank show.
"I'll see what I can do here."
They all nodded, instantly obeying like my words were cheat codes.
Their eyes were filled with faith. Blind, desperate faith.
As if I could fix everything.
Don't hope too much, Heroes.
I mean seriously—I never fight. And when I do…
I lose.
The purple missiles kept raining down like some pissed-off god was pressing CTRL+V on a "laser" file.
But the Heroes were now focused on rescue. That's good. That's what heroes do.
As for me? I had to stop the source. The doom itself.
I spread my arms wide like I was about to hug the concept of failure. And activated a Skill.
[ Captain Uganda ]
Look—I know.
The name.
Let's not talk about it.
No time to question why it sounds like a superhero who saves people using funky jazz and stern lectures.
I just used the damn thing.
Next second—
A massive blue shield spread across the continents like a divine condom for incoming death.
A full dome. Clean. Glowing. Protective.
The Heroes looked up and smiled.
The citizens cheered like we just delivered pizza during the apocalypse.
Even my crusty-ass lips found a smile.
I felt like I did something.
Maybe I am that guy.
The shield should hold.
The missiles shouldn't be able to—
KHLACK!
Excuse me?
What the actual fcuk?
What the hell?
Just one missile—
One—from that smug spaceship absolutely body-slammed my shield into nonexistence.
Gone. Like my self-worth after high school.
All three continents—again, defenseless. As naked as a bad lie.
That little confidence I built up in the last few seconds? Yeah, it tripped, fell, and cracked its skull on reality.
My Skill didn't even survive one missile.
Just one!
What would I do against the things—the beings—inside that damn ship?
What kind of cosmic enemies were chilling in there, sipping wine and launching genocide like it's poker night?
What the fuck have I gotten myself into?