Hey there! I am using WhatsAp- Oh. Sorry. Wrong place.
So as I was saying, my sixth sense was telling me something big was going to happen. Something serious.
But from 'serious', I remembered something…
A man went to the hospital to visit his mother-in-law, who was in serious condition.
On the way back the wife, very worried, asked, "So, honey? How's my mom doing?"
He replied, "She looks great! She is in good health. She will still live for many years. Next week she will be released from the hospital and will come and live with us, forever!"
"Wow, that's amazing!" said the wife, "But this is very strange, dear… Yesterday she seemed to be on her deathbed, the doctors said she only had a few days to live."
"Well, I don't know about yesterday," the husband shrugged, "but today, the doctor looked me dead in the eyes and said—prepare for the worst."
…
Anyway,
Me and Erect were still walking down the road, like two dudes who'd just been kicked out of a Renaissance fair. And I believe it's time we reach the castle.
I know I said I'd take a stroll around my kingdom to show my benevolence and pretend to care about my subjects—very kingly of me. But to be honest, everything looked normal.
People were greeting me with the respect of a man holding a very large sword and a very fragile ego. That's all I need.
The kids were playing, which was cute, and I kept an eye out for any grown men hovering around them like suspicious flies. I don't trust people who smile at kids for too long. There are many people like Erect's uncle.
Luckily, no creeps in sight.
Also, Erect said nothing the entire way—which is great. I am glad he doesn't remember about his salary.
Anyway, I didn't have anything else to say, so let's just skip to the castle part before this becomes a travel blog.
I placed my hand on Erect's shoulder and used my legendary teleportation skill:
[Premature Ejaculation]
WHOOSH!
We arrived in front of my majestic, overcompensating, slightly phallic castle.
The large circular wall around my castle helped me to stay separated from the country and I think that's good. If there was no wall around, then when the common people would get angry at me sometime, they would attack me right away.
Not that they could kill me, of course. I'm built different.
"Let's go."
I walked in like I owned the place—because I do—and Erect followed, still mute, still poor.
"I'm going to my room. Call me if you need something," I said.
Erect bowed like his spine was trying to escape.
"I certainly can't trouble you with my needs, my lord."
"I won't help you either. I just told you to call me if you need something."
"Right."
I patted Erect's shoulder like you pat a dog that peed on your bed but looks kinda sorry about it. Then I teleported straight to the top floor.
Let me explain something. This castle isn't just big—it's staffed. Full-on RPG resource management. Maids, chefs, house-help, weirdly passionate janitors. They're good people. Even the maid who once asked me if she could clean my room with her tongue. Respectfully declined. (Mostly because Erect was watching.)
If I run out of plot someday, I'll introduce them all. For now, just consider this foreshadowing. Or foreskin. Whatever tickles your Freud.
Actually, I've been thinking about firing the chefs. I cook better than them. But now that the castle is packed with freeloaders, I don't think I can pull off Gordon Ramsay for fifty people. Well I can, but I am the MC, not the female lead. I can't spend all my time in the kitchen.
So tonight, I'll cook dinner once, show them how it's done, and then let them imitate my culinary genius. Monkey see, monkey cook.
But for now, I turned off my Stats, unequipped my armor, and flopped on my bed like a sad pancake.
I brought out the map from my spatial inventory and unfolded it.
I knew about this World but I still wanted to see the map to know where was which continent.
I looked at it.
Gangbang and Cuckwell continent was at the north of the world.
There are rivers too.
The bigger river is called Night Fall.
And the smallest river is called Winter Peepee.
Who is coming up with these names? A horny poet on LSD? Go touch some grass, dude.
Anyway, I don't have to remember all this.
Because I've got a cheat skill:
[Power And Volume Button At The Same Time]
Ignore the length of the name and what it does is, it takes a screenshot of live things and stores it inside my brain and I remember it forever.
I used it on the map. Saved it to my mental gallery. Boom. Permanent memory. Never forgetting Winter Peepee, unfortunately.
Then I casually yeeted the map out the window like a parent throwing away their child's failed report card.
Anyway, I decided to nap before dinner. Gotta preserve energy for all the chaos I plan to cause.
Now, this world doesn't have alarm clocks, obviously. But I got something better.
A skill.
[FBI! Open Up!]
Yep. It wakes me up exactly when I want—with the trauma of a police raid.
I set it for 5 hours and dozed off.
——
BANG!
RINNGGGG!!
TUNG!
TUNG!
TUNG!
TUNG!
What in the name of Satan's shoelaces—?!
"My lord!"
"My lord!"
"My lord!"
Who the hell is summoning me like I'm Beetlejuice?
"My lord!"
Erect's voice. Great. That's exactly what I wanted just after some sleep.
Also, who is banging gongs and drums like we're in a Bollywood war scene?
Wait—my alarm hasn't gone off yet. So five hours aren't up yet. This isn't the FBI. Then who the hell—
"My lord!!"
Sigh. Fine. I guess I'll get up before Erect starts performing CPR or worse—confessing his feelings.
I opened my eyes.
"What is it?" I asked, hair all messed up, eyes bloodshot, brain still halfway in dreamland.
Erect stood beside my bed, face so tense he looked like a constipated statue.
As soon as I saw him, I sat upright like I'd just seen my GPA.
"What happened? Why are you so tense?"
"It's an emergency, my lord. We've been attacked."
"Aliens again? Bruh. I thought they were on vacation this month."
"No. It's not them. Five continents have been attacked. At the same time. Even the continents the Aliens had already conquered!"
Wait—what?
"You mean the continents already under Alien control got attacked again?"
"Yes!"
"By who? Satan 2.0?"
"I don't know anything, my lord! The people are in distress. You have to go and see it for yourself."
Wow, thanks for the intel, Erect. Really cracked the code with that one. Might as well have said, "Something bad happened. Go look."
At this point, even Dora the Explorer would've given me more context.
"Alright. Send the Heroes to the continents that got slapped. I'll go find out who the hell's behind this cosmic gangbang. Let's go."
I yeeted myself out of bed like a cockroach that heard slippers.
Stats: ON.
Armor: EQUIPPED.
Hope: LOW.
Fucks to give: Rapidly depleting.
With Erect, I flew out of my castle window like a tax evader escaping an audit.
And then I looked up at the sky.
Not because I was feeling poetic.
But because TEN SPACESHIPS were descending like unpaid EMI installments from the heavens.
Ten. Spaceships.
Descending like the final boss was tired of waiting for his turn and said, "Screw the build-up."
This was some Thanos-level shit, bro.
No, scratch that.
This was Thanos + Ultron + your ex + GST hike combined.
There was only one guy I could ask about this mess.
'What the fuck is going on, Supreme Man?'
[ I have no idea! ]
'What do you mean you have no idea? You're a God, and your current status is LMAO, IDK?"
[ I really don't know anything right now. Just do something! Don't let my planet get destroyed! I gave you power—USE IT! ]
...This bald fossil really gave me powers like a cheap power bank and now expects me to fix intergalactic Armageddon with zero intel?
Bro, I am not a hero.
I am not even a sidekick.
I'm a glorified stand-up comedian with trauma and good hair.
I only act MC like because I have skills. Otherwise I am a wimp!
"Let's follow the biggest ship, Erect. The main bastard's probably chilling in there." I said anyway.
"Yes."
Erect zoomed forward like a man with purpose.
And I… hung back.
Let him take the lead. He's wearing red—maybe they'll mistake him for the protagonist.
Screw chivalry.
This ain't a fairy tale.
This is Attack on Rent's Due.
I ain't about to go nose-first into a spaceship the size of my self-doubt, especially when even God is like, "Aight, good luck."
But…
At the back of my mind, I think I knew what was up.
Like I said before about my sixth sense sensing something drastic.
I think, right now…
It's coming true.