Think of a number between 1 and 10.
Done?
Now think of a color.
Alright.
Now fcuk yourself.
I'm shit scared over here and you wanna play 4th-grade telepathy Sudoku with me?
Erect and Supreme Man hyped me up like two drunk uncles at a wedding, but the second that silhouette stepped into the light, my confidence dipped harder than crypto in 2022.
I mean, I don't know its pronouns, but this thing had red skin, horns thicker than your last ex's skull, and a build that screamed "Gym? I am the gym."
You won't believe me unless you see it. So I did some magic in this para so that can see him.
Now you believe me?
Those red eyes? That look?
They don't just kill—they impregnate you with fear and send child support bills to your soul.
"My lord," Erect whispered behind me.
"Don't you dare say anything."
"…Let's hide."
I paused.
Finally.
"Now you're acting like a real hero. Yes. Let's fuckin' hide."
THUMP!
That thing landed on Gangbang continent like it was claiming free real estate.
And before I could vanish behind a conveniently placed depression wall, the demon's laser-gaze locked onto me.
Direct eye contact.
The kind that says, "I've already started imagining your autopsy."
"He saw you, my lord," Erect muttered like he wasn't about to tuck tail and ghost me.
"He? I was addressing him as it. And he didn't see me—he saw us!"
"Nope. Just you. You're the main character. You sparkle more."
And just like that—
This treacherous bastard decided it was solo mission time.
"I'm gonna hide. You handle him."
He was already mid-drift like a cartoon character tiptoeing out of frame.
"Oh, you piece of sh—COME HERE!"
I snatched Erect's hand and started waving him around like a flag on national betrayal day.
"LOOK AT HIM! LOOK AT HIM!" I screamed, shaking Erect like a maraca of doom.
The monster looked. Dead at us.
Mission accomplished.
Now Erect was equally screwed.
I let go.
He floated next to me, traumatized.
"If I may, my lord… I have something to say."
"Go ahead."
Erect took a deep breath.
"…That was a scum move, you bastard!"
I scratched my ear, real casual. "Huh? What was that? Thought I heard wind."
"That's all." He sighed and resumed standing like a good sidekick with a shattered soul.
We hovered in awkward silence. Just two anxious burritos waiting to be unwrapped by a war criminal. The other Heroes were spread out across different continents.
So yeah—it was just us two in the air.
Guardians of absolutely fcuk-all.
The monster?
Even after looking at us, he did nothing. He was just standing there in the middle of Gangbang.
Menacing.
Majestic.
Like a cursed statue in a haunted museum.
"What's he waiting for?" Erect asked.
"Probably waiting for me to say some more jokes before things get too serious?"
"Don't think about comedy right now, my lord. Look at him! He looks diabolical. If he comes to our country, he will make your father drink his milk."
"Yeah, and knowing my father, he'll sip it with cookies."
"Shit. We are drifting again to comedy. This is serious shit, my lord."
"Language, Erect! You never swear."
"F*ck my vocabulary!"
"How?"
"Not literally, my lord. Ugh. I am saying vocabulary is the last thing you should worry about. You should fight him!"
"I thought we were done with the comedy?"
"I'm serious! You need to kill him!"
"Kill him? If he looks at me again, I'll release enough gas to start a new ozone layer!"
"Are you saying… if you fought him, you'd lose?"
I stayed silent but eventually, I answered :
"Nah. I'd die."
Erect shook his head.
"You are being negative, my lord. At least try."
Try? I'd rather eat unicorn semen again.
But I couldn't say that out loud. Erect already thought I was a clown. No need to make it worse.
"Let's see if he's really the enemy," I said, feigning logic like a politician in denial.
"He was literally shooting missiles!" Erect retorted.
"I know. But now he isn't. He is just standing there. Maybe, he has a change of heart."
"No one changes hearts that fast!"
"Some surgeons do."
"Who the fuck is that? What are you saying, my lord?"
I sighed. "Fine. Let's land inside Gangbang. But we'll watch him from afar, alright?"
"Good enough."
[ You have to kill him if he is an enemy, Racis. ]
'You are a God. Find what is going on yourself. The Gods of Earth are way better than you. At least they don't ask for help from mortals.'
[ I am trying to find out what is going on. You just protect my planet till I find out. ]
'Your planet this, your planet that. What are you, Thor's cousin?'
[ I don't care what you say. I am doing my work and you do you. ]
Tch. This old celestial geezer wouldn't listen even if I screamed my lungs into braille.
Whatever. Time to land in Gangbang. If only this sentence meant something else.
"Hold my shoulder, Erect."
He did.
I scanned the area and spotted a low boundary wall nearby.
I teleported us there like a broke magician doing alley tricks.
Now we were inside the Gangbang continent.
Behind a wall.
Peeking like two nosy aunties at a wedding scandal.
Dustbin to my right.
Erect to my left.
Balance restored.
"Now what?" Erect whispered.
"Now we wait," I replied solemnly.
"For what?"
"Your mom."
"My lord?"
"Shut up. Just wait for him to do something. No more questions."
"…Okay."
We waited.
The monster was still standing. Like a red-skinned sleep paralysis demon just… staring at the ground.
Unmoving.
Unbothered.
Unholy.
We were behind him, far enough to feel safe, but close enough to smell our future trauma.
Suddenly—
"Permit me to inquire, venerable fellow citizens of our great nation, is it your noble persona that I am presently privileged to encounter?"
"Shut the fuck up, Erect. And why did your voice suddenly sound like a 19th century butler?"
"But I didn't say anything."
…huh?
"Then who spoke just now? Could it be…" My eyes widened, pupils dilated, dignity vanished. "That red guy?"
"I don't think so," Erect replied, squinting like a confused squirrel. "Why would he call us 'fellow citizens'?"
Valid point. I nodded.
No eldritch demon calls you "fellow citizen" unless it's about to sell you health insurance.
But then who the hell said that?
I turned my head around like a malfunctioning fan during a blackout.
Eyes darting. Sweat pouring. Ass clenched.
I didn't wanna get gangbanged here.
I signed up for the giving, not the receiving.
"Is someone there?" I whispered, my voice shakier than my internet during a storm.
And then—
"Indeed, I acknowledge that I was the very personage who uttered those precipitously penned phrases, unknown interlocutor."
Me and Erect both heard it. Loud. Clear.
And from the worst possible direction.
We turned slowly.
Realization hit.
"My lord," Erect murmured, voice cracked like a teenager at a breakup.
"Yeah," I said, hollow inside. "I know."
"…Are we already dead? And this is just the afterlife projected by our dying brains?"
"I think so," I muttered.
Then I sat down.
Right there on the ground. In the dirt. In disbelief.
Held my head like a man who just learned his life was written by a drunk fanfiction author.
And from deep inside, from the bottom of my corrupted, confused soul, a scream escaped my throat—silent, broken, and betrayed.
"WHY THE HELL WOULD I EVER DREAM OF A F*CKING DUSTBIN TALKING TO ME?! AND THAT TOO IN BETTER ENGLISH THAN ME?!"