Let's rewind the clock a few minutes. But before that:
A woman was walking home with her three daughters.
The eldest turned and asked, "Mummy, how did I get my name?"
"Well sweetie, when we were bringing you home from the hospital, a rose petal landed on your head! So that's why we named you Rose."
The second daughter, curious now, asked, "And me, Mum?"
"Well darling, when we were bringing you home, a lily petal landed on your forehead. So we named you Lily."
The third girl asked, "HHGHGN?! DDDNBHG!"
"Shhh, quiet now, Cinderblock."
…
So after I yeeted the citizens and soldiers to the Fetisia continent like I was Amazon Prime Express, only the Heroes were left.
I told them to stay safe from the missiles and if someone came out of the spaceships, attack them. They weren't able to harm the ships anyway. Might as well wait till the attackers come out themselves.
I could've tried to destroy the ships myself, but if my skills failed, the Heroes would lose faith in me, and I'd lose faith in myself, and next thing you know I would go underground and start a family with rabbits.
And what if my attack makes the people inside the ship angry and they start attacking all the seven continents. My grandma shouldn't be hurt. Not to mention the common people.
Anyway, after making that very brave, definitely strategic decision, me and Erect decided to follow the thiccest spaceship of the bunch.
That was the only one not playing missile whack-a-mole with the continents. Suspicious behavior. Red flag energy.
We tailed it from a safe distance like two insecure exes stalking their crush's new boyfriend.
Soon, the ship passed over the Night Fall river. Me and Erect exchanged looks—past that river were the continents of the Aliens: Gangbang and Cuckwell.
"Are there aliens inside these ships?" I asked.
"It can't be. The continents of the Aliens have been attacked too. We have to see it, my lord."
I nodded. "Good idea. You go check. Let me know what you find."
"Like hell! You're the damn King. You go. I'll… morally support you from here." Erect outright refused me. His fear outgrew his respect for me.
But fuck that. I don't want to stay in the front.
"Let's do stone paper scissors!" I suggested, pulling out the sacred ritual of indecisive kindergartners everywhere.
"What the fuck is that? Don't waste time. This world is in danger. You are the Hero King!"
"I am the hero king. Not Vin Diesel for fucks sake."
[ Go, Racis! Only you can do it. You have the Skills! ]
'Fuck you.'
[ You may. After all this is over. ]
Shit. I forgot about it. The old man was ready to do anything to make me fight.
I looked at Erect and his face was more rigid than a traffic cop's mustache. He won't budge.
Guess I had to be the one flying into the unknown again. I am the Hero King. I have job security but no security in the job.
"Fine," I groaned and took off.
As I flew toward Gangbang and Cuckwell, the alien continents, I heard the same gut-wrenching screams we heard from our own people. My first thought was—Damn. Sound design on this apocalypse is top tier.
Smoke choked the air. Missile trails painted the sky like a toddler with ADHD got their hands on a crayon box.
The aliens were dying.
Like, properly dying.
Kids. Elders. Weird squid-baby things. All crying out.
For a fleeting moment, they looked… human.
Hovering above Cuckwell, I yelled, "Where the hell is your King?! Why isn't he doing shit?!"
The Aliens looked up, and then—
They joined hands.
All of them.
"Save us, Hero King."
"Forget our past animosity. Please."
"Help us…"
They begged.
I turned to Erect. This guy hated Aliens more than a Facebook uncle hates almond milk.
"My parents must have begged like that too… and the Aliens didn't care," he muttered.
Of course he wanted the aliens to die.
I sighed dramatically. "Your parents begged… the Aliens ignored them. And now the Aliens are begging you… and you wanna ignore them too. Doesn't that make you exactly like them?"
Erect shut up.
He looked at the crying Alien kids. Little alienlings holding onto their parents like a Wi-Fi connection in rural India.
"You're right, my lord," he said quietly. "We shouldn't become like them."
I nodded solemnly. "Exactly."
He smiled. "So… we'll save them?"
I raised my eyebrow. "Hell no."
"What?"
"I was just saying. Why the hell will I save them? And how? I can't teleport them to Fetisia or Nipplis, they might start killing Humans because of their nature."
"Then what about not becoming like our enemies? Why did you go all philosophical?"
"I just like to say these things. It makes you popular with friends, Their King will save them. They should be strong. They are Aliens. They are born stronger than Humans."
Erect blinked. "…Sure. I guess?"
I turned to the Aliens. "I'll go see your King. That's all I can promise. Till then pray harder or something."
And with that, I resumed flying as the thicc spaceship continued toward Gangbang.
Erect trailed behind like a backup dancer who didn't know the choreography.
Finally, the ship hovered above Gangbang and came to a stop.
Everything below was already roasted, but now that the main ship arrived, the smaller ships just… bounced.
Yep. They dipped like deadbeat dads when the pregnancy test comes back positive.
The big white ship hovered there like a goddamn ghost cruise ship. No dust on it. Probably had an inbuilt Roomba or a space janitor with OCD.
BEEP!
BEEP!
BEEP!
The ship beeped thrice.
I don't know how I knew this, but those beeps? That was a "Yo, stop firing" message to the others.
Because right after it… missiles everywhere just stopped mid-chaos.
Silence spread. Awkward, tense silence. The kind you get when your browser crashes and you had 49 tabs open and only one was actual work.
The largest spaceship, still hovering like a judgmental mother-in-law over the entire continent, made some sounds—creaks, groans, industrial farts, the usual.
Something was opening.
From the bottom, a ramp began descending, slow like a villain's monologue.
This was it.
The spaceship's door. The gateway to whatever eldritch tax auditor from space decided we were overdue.
My heart? Yeah, it packed its bags, and was planning to call an Uber
The ramp opened full and then…
THUMP!
THUMP!
Footsteps echoed from within. Each one felt like a debt collector slamming my front door.
By just the sound alone, I knew.
I was cooked. Boiled. Steamed
I did not want to know what was coming out. I wanted to go home. I wanted to uninstall this mission.
The ship stayed airborne, because why not add floating intimidation to the mix?
Then I saw it:
A shadow.
Then a silhouette.
A big one.
No, scratch that. A silhouette so huge, it looked like God gave up halfway through and said "Y'know what? Let AI finish the rest."
Wanted. No. Part. Of. This.
"Let's hide, Erect," I whispered, voice trembling like a chihuahua in a thunderstorm.
"Why? You should fight it," Erect said, like an absolute psychopath with zero life insurance.
"Fight?! Look at that silhouette! That's not a person—that's a final boss who skipped all cutscenes!"
Erect grabbed my shoulders. His grip was firm, like he'd just watched every motivational video on YouTube back-to-back.
"Believe in yourself, my lord!"
He was serious. Too serious. The kind of serious that ruins birthday parties.
"You are the Hero King! You can do it!"
"…Yeah?"
[ Yes. You are the strongest! Saitama, who? ]
"Yeahh?"
"You once killed an Alien just by sneezing! You're like a biological nuke in a human hoodie!"
"You know what? You're kinda right…"
"Yes! You're the full damn package! You make people laugh, you make enemies cry, and you once headbutted a dragon mid-meditation!"
"I am not sure about the dragon part. But Hell Yeah!"
[ You are the Best! ]
"HOOOLY SHIT, I AM THE BEST!"
"Yes. You are the baddest motherfcuker alive! You are the Hero King! You are a lord, my lord!"
"Yeah! I am the best! I will kill whoever is inside it! I am the best!"
"Yes! You're the baddest motherfucker alive! The Hero King! The Lord of Lethal One-Liners!"
"YEAH! I'M THE BEST! BRING IT ON, SPACESHIP BASTARD!"
"Yes! You, my lord, are the most violent, the most diabolical, the most dangerous! A BEAST SLAYER! A CONQUEROR! THE GOAT ALL GOATS, DEATH-DEALING, UNHOLY GOD OF ABSURDITY!"
"FUCK YEAHHHH! COME OUT, YOU ALIEN MICROWAVE! I'LL ROAST YOUR FAMILY TREE!! I'M FUCKING OVERPOWERED, BITCH!"
The silhouette moved.
…Wait.
Were those horns?
It moved further into the light, each step revealing more sins against nature.
And then I saw it. In full glory. In high definition. 4K. HDR. God's mistake made visible.
And, welp…
Everyone.
I am dead.
Like, not metaphorically. Not spiritually.
I mean casket shopping, obituary-writing, please-don't-use-my-ugly-school-photo kind of dead.