My shield didn't work.
Just like my past relationships, my confidence, and my 8th-grade science project.
All three continents still under human control—boom—left defenseless again.
Just one missile from the spaceship broke my shield like the hymen of a hentai girl starring in the tentacles genre.
And yeah, I know this isn't the time for it, but the word "shield" reminded me of a joke I simply must share—because if I don't laugh now, I might cry so hard my tear ducts apply for workers' rights.
A woman walked onto a bus holding her baby. As she scanned her card, the bus driver looked up to her and said, "Have a sea...Whoa, that is an ugly baby!"
The lady was shocked and shielded the baby with her hand and took a seat.
She just sat there getting more and more angry.
The man sitting next to her asked, "What's wrong?"
She said, "That bus driver insulted me the moment I stepped onto this bus. He's a government employee!"
"You don't have to put up with that," The man said.
"You know what, you're right! I'm going to go up there and give him a piece of my mind."
"Good for you. I'll hold your monkey."
…
Anyway…
Back to death, destruction, and intergalactic genocide.
My shield failed. Now I had to figure out what else to do—besides hyperventilate into my trauma bag.
The missiles—red and black—looked like blood-soaked devil dildos launched at Mach 9.
They were huge. Big enough to skewer an airplane, roast it, and serve it to God.
The continents under attack were Penisilia, Hornyler, and Hentaiger.
And here's the thing—they were all close together
The shape of Penisilia continent was vertical and long and just like two testicles, the two continents, Hornyler and Hentaiger were just at the right place near Penisilia.
Supreme Man knew what he was doing while creating this world. But I don't have time to admire his cocky cartography.
Right now, the missiles were literally falling on the genitals of this planet.
I had to stop the interstellar vasectomy from happening.
"Help us, my lord!"
"Save us!"
Voices cried out from the burning lands below—like desperate fans at a BTS concert.
Old, young, wounded, terrified—they were all praying to me.
"Don't worry. I'm here."
Lying through my teeth so hard they might file a restraining order.
I needed to do something to make that line worth the air it wasted.
I started racing through my brain like a desperate Google search in incognito mode.
If the continent-sized shield didn't work… maybe something else would.
"Alright. I got it."
I spread my arms like a budget Jesus and activated my next play.
Instead of shielding the land, I shielded each individual person.
[ Captain Uganda ] was benched.
Now it was time for…
[ Nokia Skin ]
This skill turns skin into unbreakable Nokia plastic.
Indestructible. Eternal. Can survive a meteor, a breakup, and your toxic ex.
And I could cast it on others too.
So now—every resident on the three continents, even the Heroes—were wrapped in both personal shields and Nokia-tier skin armor.
Basically turned the entire population into immortal phone bricks.
The Heroes bowed their heads. The civilians looked up with glowing eyes.
And for the first time since arriving in this absurd world, I had sweat on my forehead.
Yeah. Me. Sweating. I hadn't done that since that time I accidentally watched my grandma's yoga livestream.
The strain of casting two massive skills on literal millions of people was intense.
But I had to. I couldn't let them die.
"Stop bowing. Escort the people to another continent. Fly away. Empty these lands," I ordered like I was running a refugee airline.
The residents would live. Houses can be rebuilt. Roads can be re-paved.
But lives… Those are like your last slice of pizza—once gone, they ain't coming back.
And I saw my grandma's face in every innocent being out there.
I can't let that kind of hurt happen. Ever.
Heroes began flying with people in their arms like weird UPS packages. But they were slow. Like... buffering-on-2G slow.
I had to think fast.
"Which continent has the least number of people, Erect?" I asked.
"That is a dumb question! There are only seven continents here. Five are being attacked. Only two continents are safe. Titilis and Fetisia."
This guy is afraid alright. He didn't even call me my lord right now. But let's not act like I was Einstein right now—I just asked a question with the IQ of a burnt toast.
Titilis is where I live. It's the smallest, weakest, most fragile continent.
Fetisia, on the other hand, has space. Big space. Amazon delivery space.
"Everyone," I announced. "I'm sending you all to Fetisia. Stay there until I see what this mess is about."
I made that announcement and instantly used one of my skills.
[ Illegal Immigrants ]
BOOM.
A golden light swallowed every civilian and soldier.
A second later—poof—gone.
Teleported. Relocated. Smuggled safely to Fetisia.
"They're safe now," I muttered like a war-worn truck driver who just delivered his last pizza.
The Heroes clapped.
The soldiers? Yeah, they weren't much help. In fact, this is the first time I even mentioned them. That's how useless they were.
Background NPCs with zero contribution.
"Heroes! Now only you are in these continents. Be safe from the missiles. And when something finally comes out of those ships—attack them. Got it?"
"YEAHHH!"
"I'LL KILL THEM ALL!"
"AND MY NAME IS JOHN CENA!"
...Okay, didn't see that coming.
Well, can't see him anyway.
(SFX: theme song intensifies)
The missiles were still coming, but now they only hit buildings and roads.
The people would survive.
The world could breathe for now.
"I'm going toward the largest ship," I said. "Take care till then."
"YES, MY LORD!" The Heroes roared in unison, like hormonal anime protagonists during the season finale.
I turned toward the biggest spaceship.
It hovered alone, ominous, and... silent.
It wasn't launching anything. It just floated. Watching. Judging.
Like a strict school principal with god-tier tech.
There were ten spaceships in total—shiny, futuristic, totally OP.
I just hoped they didn't have AI inside.
If so, we're screwed. Like Earth-dominated-by-ChatGPT level screwed.
Anyway… the largest ship began moving.
Slow. Steady. Like it had somewhere to be and no one could stop it.
Me and Erect followed from a distance.
Neither of us brave enough to go near it.
Basically, we were two pigeons following a nuclear missile, hoping it wouldn't notice.
Soon, the ship crossed the biggest river—Night Fall.
And at that moment, both of us looked at each other.
"Is it going there?" I whispered, my voice barely surviving the lump in my throat.
Erect nodded stiffly. "I think so..."
My palms went full Niagara Falls. We slowed down like scared NPCs walking straight into a final boss cutscene.
After what felt like the longest five minutes of my life, the biggest spaceship finally halted—right above the Gangbang continent.
Yup. The same continent ruled by aliens who think probing is foreplay.
Then—WHIRRRRR—the spaceship's bottom door started descending, smooth and slow like some dramatic villain's red carpet.
And then—
THUMP.
THUMP.
Footsteps. Heavy. Doom-sounding.
Just from the bass in each step, I knew—I was either about to die or accidentally get recruited into the Alien Mafia.
I held my breath.
The ship didn't land. It hovered mid-air like it was flexing.
The footsteps got closer...
A shadow loomed.
Then came the silhouette.
And as my brain tried to process what my eyes saw, only one word slapped its way into my skull—
"Huge."