I've only been in jail for five minutes and I've already been raped twice.
My uncle really doesn't mess around when playing Monopoly.
...
That was just an uncle joke. Calm your lawsuits.
But Erect wasn't laughing. He was too busy having an identity crisis.
"I can't accept your father as my uncle, my lord. I'm not deserving enough for that."
Bruh. If we're talking "deserving," I also didn't ask for a father who treats milk like it's the elixir of the gods extracted straight from the udder of destiny.
"Fine," I muttered. "And get that bottle away, old man. How did you even store it?"
"Well, I directly targeted m—"
"Don't finish that sentence. I'll make the Aliens drink it."
"Sure."
"My son!"
New voice. New danger.
My mother appeared and wrapped me in a hug like she was trying to break my spine just to measure my height.
I hugged back, but she pulled away just as fast—eyes scanning me like I was a suspicious vegetable on discount.
"Have you been eating? You look so thin."
Yeah, Mom, the unicorn semen diet has been doing wonders.
"It's been four days since I left the village, mom. I physically can't shrink that fast."
"My grandson!"
Ah, salvation. My grandma. The only person I truly loved, even if she was a goblin with osteoporosis.
We hugged. Her warmth was eternal. Like a heated blanket powered by love and mild dementia.
Then she pulled back and squinted at me with her cataract-powered x-ray vision.
"You've lost weight!"
"I know. But now that you're here, everything's fine."
"When I said that, you argued with me!" my mom huffed.
Sorry, woman. Your mom hits harder in the soul.
"Don't be jealous of your mom, Mom. Move on."
I patted her head like a 5-star Pokémon. She kicked the ground like a toddler banned from chocolate.
Grow up, woman. You have a son now.
"My nephew!"
Oh no. The wild Goblin Aunty Sofia appears.
For clarity:
Sophia = Erect's sister.
Sofia = My mom's sister.
If you can't tell the difference, drop out from school. Save your parents some rent money.
"You've gotten more handsome," she said.
"And you've gotten smarter," I lied with confidence.
"You bet I have! I even stopped climbing glass walls to see what's behind them!"
"Er... right. Good for you."
Didn't know she was that stupid. If she ever got locked inside a furniture store, she'd still sleep on the floor.
Anyway, She stepped aside, and the next challenger approached:
"My grandson!"
Grandpa.
We hugged. Then he pulled back with that "I'm about to ruin your mood" smile.
"Lost your virginity yet?"
Not exactly subtle, old man. But I answered honestly.
"Nope. Had plenty of chances, but if I took them, I'd lose all interest in sex forever."
"Hah! Don't worry. You'll get more chances. You're the Hero King!"
Thanks, I guess?
He patted my shoulder. Strong grip. White hair. Huge mustache. Absolute sigma. Probably where I got my looks from.
"I still remember my first time," Grandpa whispered like a man about to start a campfire horror story.
He must have done another race.
"With whom?" I asked, expecting trauma.
"An orc."
CALLED IT.
"An orc?" Erect leaned in like it was storytime at the trauma library.
"Yes, child," Grandpa nodded. "It was the first time for both of us."
Erect was oddly invested.
Too invested.
"How was it?"
Dude.
Why are you asking like you're about to take notes?
Grandpa stared at the sky, eyes full of Vietnam flashbacks.
"It was…" He sighed. "A pain in the ass."
Hmm?
Wait.
"A pain in the ass? Who exactly lost their virginity to whom?"
Grandpa coughed violently. "Well… you can't blame the orc. It was his first time too."
"HIS?!" I yelled.
"I thought he was a female, okay?! But by the time I realized… It was too late. So I just… went with it."
You just WENT WITH IT?
That wasn't a water slide, old man!
"I know, I know. But the orc was happy. That counts for something."
I side-eyed Erect, wondering how much brain bleach he'd need after this meet-and-greet.
"Don't mind him, Erect. He just jokes a lot."
"It's fine, my lord," Erect said, with a smile that looked like it was built from confusion and suppressed trauma.
"Now I'm absolutely sure I'm not deserving of your family."
…Was that a compliment or a cry for help? Anyway—
"Let me introduce you all to these two."
I gestured to Erect and Sophia.
"Oh! You got yourself a girlfriend! That's my son!" Dad grinned, probably imagining wedding invitations made of milk cartons.
No, Dad. I wish.
"This young man is the strongest Hero on the continent. And that girl is his sister. She sees me as an older brother, so she's my sister too."
"Nice to meet you," Erect bowed.
"Nice to meet you," Sophia added.
"Oh! Your name is Sofia too!"
Goblin Aunty Sofia's eyes sparkled like a rock hitting concrete.
As expected. She couldn't tell Sophia and Sofia apart even if one of them had subtitles.
The two shook hands and bonded instantly.
Then, my mother stepped forward and touched Sophia's face gently.
"I always wanted a daughter. Consider us family, dear."
Oh? That was surprisingly normal. Maybe Mom could hold a conversation without—
"Would you like to drink milk now that you're my daughter?"
...Never mind.
"No, I'm good, ma'am. I am lactose intolerant, you see " Sophia declined politely.
"Come on, don't be shy. You'll like it."
Mom, stop. This isn't an MLM cult. And I am surprised that the condition of lactose exists here.
Anyway Before I could step in and body-block the milk offer, my dad appeared, wide-eyed with excitement.
"Oh! You're into that too?"
INTO WHAT? Why are you glowing like a radioactive jellybean, old man?
"You're also the same as me, sir?" Sophia tilted her head, confused but polite.
"Yes, yes! I'm also like you! You see…"
Dad leaned in like he was sharing the secret to immortality.
"I also licktoes in toilet."
...
I see.
Sophia, run.
There's still time to save your soul.