The first thing I learned about death was that not everyone feels happy when they die. If you do, either you suffered too much in your life or was crazy.
I was the crazy one.
The second thing I learned was that
...my name was never supposed to be in the death list
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"You know you should complete it within 48 hours.."
"I know...Stop bothering me and why are you looking at my list"
"Why should I bother with your list?"
"Because Asariel, you will cheat and tell the messenger.."
"You are forgetting that I am an angel "
"Yeah, I know and the one who stops me from getting my wish.."
"A death wish..."
"You should have been more careful if you didn't want that to happen. After all, it is your fault also. Not just mine."
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A few hours before in terms of earth time,
For four years , I hadn't known what I was living for or whether living was worth this numbness.
It didn't collapse all at a once . One insecurity because of someone , something and sometimes even the reason was me. The poisonous thoughts were injected me slowly and steadily for all these years.
No one would really care if I disappeared.
At the beginning, I fought it but then it became familiar.
Even necessary like breathing.
That morning as I walked down the same familiar path the the thoughts followed me again. Like a routine forced myself to point that though to somewhere esle.
Why are the leaves so shiny today?
Why a black cat is crossing the road? Maybe ,today will be good.
An unknown pleasant warmth suddenly enveloped me.
Why I am hearing a bike very close..
What? A bike!!
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"Shit. It hurts."
"..still feel pain."
The voice seems familiar.
Annoyed.
"...even when they are half dead."
My room, my celling, my blanket.
So..it was a dream .
After all, good things like dying don't just happen that easily.
"Unfortunately for me, this is not your room and you are dying."
A masked man stood beside my bed.
"Who are you?? What you are doing in my room? "
"Stop yelling. You will damage my ears and I assure you interstice healthcare won't cover this . "
He swiped the air impatiently.
"Look around clearly you idiot. Is this it still your room?"
I blinked and the walls flickered. The scenes around me kept on changing.
My old school corridors replaced them.
The sound of waves and soft sand at the beach.
and now my room again.
"...I am dreaming."
That moment his stance reminded me of the teacher who was always tired of our class.
"Why do I have to deal with these idiots every single time? I will say it once because my patience is so thin, the level of thin you can't imagine because of humans like you. God should have made more animal or plant souls. Why did he create such self-destructive idiots?"
He kept on tapping something on a tablet.
"You are in the astral plane and I am the messenger," he checked the screen "...any second you are going to die"
Silence filled the space.
"Is it true?"
"I know it is hard to believe you are going to die. That's why..."
"This is the best thing that ever happened."
He stopped and looked at me like a crazy person.
Maybe I am a crazy person
"I'm sorry... what?"
"I am happy ."
The messenger look flabbergasted .
"...Right, he is crazy.." and it seems like he confirmed by craziness,"...Usually, someone would be emotional. Inspiring quotes. One even tried to kiss me. That was a weirdo though."
The typing speed echoed his frustration upon my reply.
"Since this is clearly not a standard emotional response and special offer , I may offer a revival option."
"Why should you do that? I am perfectly happy with the situation."
His fingers froze at my response.
"You...don't want to live"
"I'm totally fine with this"
He stared at me for a long time that I felt like I killed that poor guy.
"...You humans are deeply exhausting."
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"Can I ask something?"
"If you want to understand the standard procedures of the universe," the messenger muttered, "I am not in the mood."
"Why those places when it changed ?Why are you wearing a mask? Is astral plane also using high tech like earth? I thought you don't like humans!"
He stared at me.
"Have anyone told you talked too much?"
"No, they always ask me why am I so quiet."
"You are statistically one of the top three strangest souls I've processed this century ."
That might be the highest achievement I got.
"To answer your number of questions", he took a deep sigh before continuing ,"The places? The places are your comfort zone . Before souls enter the final stage , the souls stabilize themselves where they felt most themselves . A place they felt where they don't have to perform."
My comfort zone.
The warmth of my blanket which heard the silent cries for years .
The mirror that showed and heard every insecurity.
The waves which played along with me.
and my old school, which brought a smile to my face whenever I think about it. The last place I wanted to keep on trying even if I failed many times. All that changed ,once I left that place.
"And the mask?"
"It's your fault too"
"...My fault."
"Yes. You believe something is there to protect you. The belief takes shape. Based on whom you believe, I will be that. That means I could be a male, female, anything. Since you don't associate something like that, so congratulations...'' He tapped the mask. "Now I don't have a face."
"..Sorry"
"Nah...its fine at least you didn't imagine me as a golden retriever. I had to bark for three hours with the guy understanding nothing."
A weak laughed escaped and an emotion which felt strange after not experiencing for a long time.
"Good. Laughing means you are still emotionally operatable. This will make my job easier."
The messenger went silent for sometime glaring at the tablet and muttering angrily. So much for celestial messengers being kind ,patient souls. Maybe, they are reflecting my personality.
"I don't like humans", he said flatly ." because I had never seen such a weird creations. Capable of being kind and cruel in the same moment. It is too confusing for me.."
He waved the phone at my face.
"For high-tech now, this is how you understand communication. Long back, it was letters. Now I file digital files."
As the familiar scenes kept on changing around me, I realized how much I was missing trying to pace ahead .
"Noel."
For the first time he spoke my name.
"There is something you should know. You weren't supposed to be here."
Happiness doesn't last long in my life it seems.
"So, I wasn't supposed to die."
"No. The man who hit was scheduled for death today."
The comfort places also felt constricting now.
"This is why I hate humans because of their unpredictable decisions even fate can't control. Also, partially it is our fault also."
He glance at his tablet.
"A rash driver and doesn't care about anyone...until recently. His sister adopted a kid. He started caring about the kid."
I think I also hate people's uncertainty like him now.
" He was going to die colliding with a dog on the street. But he didn't hit it."
"...because the kid loves dogs," I whispered.
"Bingo, not fully dumb after all."
Maybe he was lightning the mood.
Maybe he was kind in a different way.
"When rarity happens and the fate changes," his voice dropped ,"according to our law the death transfers to the person who have higher chance to die in the vicinity."
The words felt measured.
"but for some reason," he added and his voice felt harsh again," your name surfaced"
My throat went dry.
"...Me."
"Yes."
Hope has not left me yet. It flickered stubbornly in my chest.
"But, you told it is partially your fault."
He hesitated.
"One of the angels who was on the duty accidentally proceeded with the death request."
"And that angel", I asked.
"That's why your presence is.... problematic."
"It was your guardian angel."
The comfort zones flickered rapidly now, more unstable and like that the hope started slipping away.
"Mine"
"Yes, your guardian angel Asariel."
Somewhere behind the shifting scenarios a furious voice echoed,
"IT IS PARTIALLY YOUR FAULT TOO,NOEL"