Gravity had returned, which meant everyone was currently lying in a heap of limbs, spandex, and shonen hair gel.
Deadpool was at the bottom of the pile. His face was currently smashed against the floor tiles, and Totoro was sitting on his kidneys.
"Oof," Deadpool wheezed, his voice muffled by the carpet. "My spine... it feels like the plot of Kingdom Hearts. Confusing and painful. Soum, remind me to ask for a stunt double in the next contract. Or at least a chiropractor who isn't Dr. Mario."
Saitama crawled out from under a vending machine, dusting off his cape. He held the core of the Legendary Golden Cabbage.
"That..." Saitama muttered, his face blank, "...tasted like wet cardboard. It wasn't 'Legendary.' It was barely 'Edible.' I want my money back."
The Golden Gate Opens
Suddenly, the air in the mall shimmered. It wasn't a portal. It was gold.
A blinding light erupted from the "Luxury Brand" wing of the mall. The ceiling dissolved into golden ripples, and thousands of weapons—swords, spears, and limited-edition Gucci handbags—poked out, aiming at the crowd.
"BOW DOWN, MONGRELS!"
Sitting on a floating golden throne that hovered above the Auntie Anne's Pretzels stand was a man with golden armor, spiky blonde hair, and red eyes that looked at the world with utter disdain.
It was Gilgamesh (Fate/Stay Night), the King of Heroes. And he looked... bored.
"Who gave you permission to breathe my air?" Gilgamesh sneered, sipping wine from a golden goblet. "This entire mall is now my treasury. Every discount, every coupon, every BOGO sale... it all belongs to me!"
Deadpool's Negotiation Tactics
"Oh, look!" Deadpool popped up, shoving Totoro aside. "It's Goldilocks! But with more murder-weapons and less porridge!"
Deadpool pulled out a megaphone and marched right up to the floating throne.
"Hey! King Bling!" Deadpool shouted. "Listen, we've got a bald guy who wants a refund on a cabbage, a rubber pirate who's hungry, and I need to buy a new katana because mine got turned into a pretzel by zero-gravity! So, how about you open the 'Gate of Babylon' and let us do some shopping?"
Gilgamesh looked down at Deadpool. "A clown in red spandex dares to address the King? You are not even worth the dirt beneath my boots."
"Joke's on you!" Deadpool laughed, slapping his own butt. "I'm into that! But seriously, Rentarou over there needs to buy nails for his new girlfriend, or the universe is going to implode from 'Tsundere Energy'."
The Simp vs. The King
Rentarou stepped forward, holding Nobara's hand (and Karane's, and Hakari's, and Shizuka's...). His eyes were burning with the fire of a thousand suns.
"King of Heroes!" Rentarou bellowed. "I require the finest nails in the multiverse! My girlfriend Nobara-chan deserves only the sharpest, most cursed iron you have! Name your price!"
Gilgamesh scoffed. "Love? A trivial emotion for commoners. But... your determination is amusing. Very well. I shall open the Gate of Retail."
The ripples behind Gilgamesh shifted. Instead of swords, they shot out... Credit Card Terminals.
"If you can withstand the interest rates," Gilgamesh laughed, "you may purchase my treasures!"
The Shopping Spree from Hell
Chaos ensued.
Nobara Kugisaki ran toward a floating golden hammer. "I want that! Rentarou, get me the shiny smashy-thing!"
Nami (One Piece) saw the gold and immediately got berries signs in her eyes. She tried to pickpocket Gilgamesh, but was blocked by a golden barrier that required a subscription fee to pass.
Saitama walked up to Gilgamesh, holding his receipt. "Excuse me. I bought this cabbage. It was defective. I'd like a refund in cash."
Gilgamesh stared at the bald man. "You... you approach the King of Heroes... for a produce refund?"
"Yes," Saitama said. "It was 200 yen. That's a lot."
"HAHAHAHA!" Gilgamesh laughed so hard he spilled his wine. "You are entertaining, Bald One! Here!"
Gilgamesh threw a solid gold bar at Saitama's head.
CLANG.
The gold bar bounced off Saitama's shiny scalp and landed in Deadpool's hands.
"JACKPOT!" Deadpool screamed. "Soum! We're rich! I can finally afford the licensing rights to put Batman back in the story! ...Just kidding, Warner Bros lawyers are scary."
The Final Purchase
Suddenly, Goku wandered into the "Treasury." He saw a glowing, golden orb sitting on a pedestal.
"Is that... food?" Goku asked.
"DO NOT TOUCH THAT, MONGREL!" Gilgamesh shouted. "That is Ea, the Sword of Rupture! It splits the world apart!"
"It looks like a jawbreaker," Goku said. He licked it.
The entire mall shook. The fabric of reality began to tear.
"Oops," Goku grinned. "Tastes like ozone."
Deadpool looked at the camera, terrified. "He just licked the apocalypse! Soum, we need a cliffhanger! Cut to black! Cut to—"Huff this idiot deadpool cut it"