"There are cheats, but only fools do it with someone close to you."
The sun was undeniably harsh that afternoon, glaring down like it had something to tell me.
I was starving, and I just had one of the worst lectures, and it was the middle of the semester already. My bags were feeling heavier than usual. I borrowed some textbooks from the library so I could finish an assessment. I kept dragging my feet home, and it felt like an unending journey.
Then my phone buzzed.
It was Mila. My friend, one of my closest friends I had met on Facebook. Her message made me stop mid-way.
"Hey girl, are you and Micheal still together?"
I was trying to process why Mila would send such a text, then suddenly a series of screenshots followed.
And there was my so-called "boyfriend," shamelessly flirting with my friend, trying to make plans and begging her to be his girl like I never existed.
I stared at my phone screen. My chest tightened, my hands trembling. I realized something.
This wasn't just heartbreak, this was betrayal.
I didn't know if I was hurting because I loved him just too much or I literally gave him my all, hoping he'd be just the one.
Or maybe I was hurt because it was my friend, the same friend that I clearly remember recommended he was good enough to be my boyfriend because she thought she knew him to be a good person.
I had so many thoughts running through my mind, and I couldn't help but think,
"Why me?"
Suddenly, I realized why the sun was harsh, and everything started making sense. I'm a good person and I didn't deserve this, I'd never do this to anyone.
I replied to Mila's text
"Girl, why don't I get home, then we talk properly?"
My feet couldn't move further; it felt like I was stuck where I was standing. I read the screenshots carefully. I guess that couldn't wait till I got home. Micheal didn't care about my feelings or my existence. It was like I didn't even exist.
He said awful things about women, and I couldn't help but feel stupid. I had certain principles about dating, and I broke every single one of them for him.
After years of keeping to myself, no boy drama, and then suddenly the one man I do everything for hurts me like a piece of trash.
I felt dirty and used. I never knew heartbreak felt like that.
The walk home became dreadful not just like earlier, but this time around, it was like waves of pain were what I walked with.
I didn't know if I should cry, call him, or forward those messages to him. I wasn't thinking straight. The hunger disappeared; maybe it became filled up with pain and betrayal.
With so much on my mind, I finally found myself at home. I quietly changed into something lighter and sat down on my bed and picked up my phone.
I called Mila, and she narrated all that transpired between them. She asked me to stay calm and not make decisions instantly. Everything in me kept telling me to blow up his phone with calls, but I knew I couldn't. I wasn't that type of person even in pain, I still wouldn't put my feelings first.
Micheal was everything I thought I prayed and hoped for. I could barely hold a full phone conversation, but he made it easier, and I found myself letting go of all the introverted nature I had just for him.
I met Micheal online. I've always been an introverted person, I could barely get myself to date anyone in the real world, so I stuck to finding love online. Micheal wasn't the type I wanted, but there was something about him I couldn't resist. He had the good looks. We had an age gap of nine years between us, but I didn't consider it to be a problem not like I was a minor. I was turning twenty in a few months.
I also met Mila online, and we basically clicked. We met a couple of times, and she was becoming more like a sister and not just a friend. I first noticed Micheal on her Facebook page, until he kept showing up on my page in "people you may know." When Micheal kept insisting I should consider being his girl, I quickly notified Mila because I knew they were friends, and her advice would be of great help. I just didn't want to be played.
I always had those thoughts that he wasn't the one, but I was happy around him when we were communicating. Mila said I could date him if I was sure I wanted to. She said he was cool about it. Micheal had no idea I had spoken to Mila about dating him and hopefully agreeing to being his girl. That's where the advantage of him not knowing helped me in figuring out the kind of man I was dating.
Now every single thing I ignored started falling into place. Was it the moments he'd ask me not to come over because I was on my period, or the days he was the one getting to decide when we get to meet? I didn't even see anything wrong with that because I loved him. The worst of it all is that I lost my virginity to this low life, and thinking about it made it feel like someone was piercing my heart with some kind of sharp object. My heart was bleeding.
I know I was naive, but Micheal made me feel stupid. He took my timidity for granted; I was just a plaything.
I stopped eating, I started losing weight, and I couldn't even say a word to him. I fell sick, and honestly, I was too broken to act normal in that relationship again.
This was a man I met two months ago, and I wanted everyone to know he was mine. But he'd suggest we kept everything on the low, and I was so stupid not to see all these signs. Slowly, he noticed I was drifting away. I wouldn't even call if he didn't. I was more like a robot in that relationship because I had zero emotions. I didn't know how to break up with him or what to say.
Mila suggested I just play along with him, but honestly, I wasn't that kind of person. I was disgusted by his presence already.
I opened up to my other friend online. He was more like my therapist. I could rant as much as possible, and I would leave feeling better after every single conversation. He gave me all the emotional support I needed. He was of great help getting through everything.
Mila invited me for a gathering after a few weeks of sulking indoors. She wanted me to cheer up a bit. Mila even suggested we play him. She wanted agreeing to date him so she could hurt him too, but I told her he wasn't worth all the stress. We had a swell time at the gathering. I realized he wasn't worth all the sulking and unhealthy behavior I was putting myself through. He was the trash, not me. I wouldn't play victim to someone who didn't seem to care about hurting women.
I got home feeling a bit lighter and then I posted a picture of Mila and me. He saw it, and in a few minutes, he called and asked if we could have a proper conversation. I told him it was fine whenever he was ready, but he never called that day, and I didn't even care. I guess I was finally getting over him.
After a couple of days, he called in the middle of the night after I had totally ignored his existence. I was awake because I had a terrible cold, which wouldn't allow me to sleep, and his call was just something to entertain me, so I picked up.
"Hey, I knew I promised to call earlier, which I didn't, but I want us to talk about us and how distant you've been. You barely call if I don't, and I remember us planning to meet last weekend before I travel for a job. But it's so unlike you not to care at all. Is there something I've done, and I need to know about it?" Micheal asked.
I was quiet because I wished I had the courage to say all I needed to say, but my introverted nature wasn't letting me be harsh or mean. Even though I was hurting, I just replied casually.
"Well, it's not like you did anything wrong, but I've been busy with school, tests, and all that. I'm currently down with a cold, so I'm barely thinking straight right now. If you had cared enough, you'd have noticed that too."
Even though all I wanted to say was everything I knew and how it made me feel, he wasn't buying it, so he decided to speak his mind.
"I see you post frequently, but whatever you say is fine. We are both adults here, and I would like you to tell me if you have found someone else better, or if you're tired of me already."
I was hurt by those words. Micheal just tried to pin that I might be cheating on him indirectly. It sounded awful in my ears, he was trying to play the saint here. I still replied calmly, like I wasn't wishing I could scream in his face.
"I'm not seeing anyone; it's just what I've said."
The conversation ended swiftly, not like the lovely couples from some weeks back. Honestly, for the first time, I didn't care at all.
I couldn't fall asleep because of what he said about me seeing someone else. I needed him to know that he was the bad person, not me. And just like that, I sent him that long epistle saying everything I'd been holding onto for weeks. I felt lighter. I was hoping to get a remorseful response, but Micheal hit me with;
"We'll talk tomorrow."
And that was it. Tomorrow turned to days, weeks, and eventually months. No explanation, no calls. I blocked everything concerning him and slowly picked up all my shredded pieces. I shut my heart to love. One bad trial, and I couldn't handle another.
I told myself I was done with love. But love wasn't done with me yet.