Inside Konoha.
Hashirama was startled by the huge explosion and rushed out. He arrived at the scene to find his wife, brother, and brother-in-law standing there.
"Tobi-rama! What happened?" Hashirama asked.
Tobirama looked embarrassed.
"An enemy came just now. One Fire Style Jutsu destroyed the village like this... and he already escaped from my hands..."
What could Tobirama do? Could he say his sister-in-law did it? Or that his sister-in-law was the one who sent the enemy flying?
Hashirama was shocked.
"Is the enemy that strong? To escape from your hands..."
Surrounding villagers: "..."
The villagers remained silent. They couldn't exactly tell the Hokage that his wife nuked the neighborhood...
Mizuna also had black lines on his face.
Can I say my sister did it?
Mito scratched her head awkwardly.
"The enemy was too strong, and ran very fast."
Hashirama was confused.
"What kind of enemy could cause such massive destruction? And outrun my brother's Flying Raijin?"
Madara also arrived at the scene.
He had been asleep but was woken up by the explosion.
"HASHIRAMA! What happened?"
Hashirama looked at his best friend seriously.
"Konoha was attacked by a powerful enemy. Even Tobi-rama couldn't catch him..."
Madara was surprised, then looked at Tobirama.
"Even this bastard's bastard Flying Raijin couldn't catch him?"
Tobirama's face darkened, turning a shade of red.
Damn evil Uchiha Madara! Tobirama cursed internally.
---
Far away.
Kakuzu woke up, his body battered. He looked around, confused.
"I... I survived?"
He looked back toward where he was launched from. Hashirama was standing there.
"The First Hokage... It's time to fulfill my mission!"
Saying this, Kakuzu pulled a kunai from his pocket and threw it from 800 miles away.
The kunai flew toward Hashirama. Suddenly, Madara caught it effortlessly.
"It seems... that bug didn't run far..."
Madara's eyes flashed crimson as he looked toward Kakuzu.
Kakuzu's remaining two hearts went cold. He sensed danger and tried to run.
But Hashirama launched a few normal attacks (Auto-Attacks). Several Wood Clones appeared and pinned Kakuzu down.
Kakuzu was shocked.
"You call this weak? He auto-attacked me from 800 miles away!"
Hashirama didn't give Kakuzu time to be surprised. After leaving the village boundaries, he activated Wood Golem Mode and slapped down with a giant palm.
As the wooden palm was half a meter from his face, Kakuzu thought:
"Once, there was a happy life in front of me... I didn't cherish it... I only regretted it after losing it... The greatest pain in the world is this... If I were given another chance... I would say three words to that Waterfall ninja... F! YOUR! MOM!" (Note: A Chinese Odyssey parody).
With a loud BOOM, Kakuzu was flattened into the ground.
When Hashirama lifted the palm, a dying Kakuzu was revealed. He only had one heart left—his own.
Hashirama walked up and scratched his head.
"Why is he so weak? Did I hit the wrong person?"
Hearing this, Kakuzu coughed up blood. He hated those Waterfall ninjas even more now.
Tobirama teleported over with Mizuna and Mito. Madara walked over himself.
Kakuzu looked at this All-Star lineup and was speechless.
He said weakly:
"Sigh... Can we reconcile?"
Tobirama laughed.
"Here and now? Kid... are you joking?"
Kakuzu got desperate.
"Reconcile my ass! What are you looking at! Look! I'll stare you to death, you dog!"
Tobirama got annoyed and punched "Little Kakuzu."
Kakuzu sat up instantly from the shock.
"A warrior can be killed but not humiliated! Kill me or torture me as you wish! I will absolutely not betray my Foster Father, the Takikage of the Waterfall Village!"
Everyone was speechless.
"Bro, you basically just doxxed his home address..."
When the Konoha ninjas arrived, Hashirama ordered Kakuzu to be imprisoned. This was thanks to Mizuna, who argued that Kakuzu was a talent worth cultivating. Killing him would be a waste; better to use him for Konoha~
Tobirama agreed.
"This man has high combat IQ. With training, he could be useful to Konoha!"
Hashirama and Mito agreed.
Madara didn't say much but mocked Tobirama:
"You didn't make that excuse just because you were too weak to catch him, right?"
Tobirama exploded and tried to fight Madara to prove who the real hero was.
The result... Tobirama ended up sleeping peacefully on a tree branch...
---
The Next Day. Konoha Prison.
Mizuna came to visit Kakuzu.
He found Kakuzu lying on the bed, hands on his stomach, looking defeated.
Seeing Mizuna, Kakuzu sat up.
Mizuna asked seriously:
"Why did you try to assassinate the Hokage?"
Kakuzu replied:
"Money~ I had to do it. If I didn't, I wouldn't have money to spend."
Mizuna laughed.
"Why don't you get a job? You have hands and feet."
Kakuzu looked even more depressed.
"Working... Working is impossible. I will never work in this life. I don't want to be a wage slave for others... Only... only by doing this kind of thing can I maintain my livelihood... like that..." (Note: "Che Guevara" / Thief meme interview).
Mizuna paused and asked:
"So what do you think of Konoha?"
Kakuzu replied:
"Everyone inside is talented, and they speak so nicely~ I love it here~" (Note: Continuing the meme).
Mizuna saw an opening.
"Then do you want to work for me? I have good stuff here~ Guaranteed profit."
Kakuzu heard "Guaranteed profit"?
"Good stuff? What good stuff?"
Mizuna waved him closer.
"Come~ Come here~ Let me show you some good stuff~" (Note: "Let me show you something good" / Van Darkholme meme).
Kakuzu walked over without thinking.
Mizuna held a cigarette he had just made. He handed it to Kakuzu.
"Here, try this~"
Kakuzu took it, confused.
"What is this?"
Mizuna smiled.
"It's a cigarette. Light it and try."
Kakuzu lit it and took a puff.
"Hmm~~ 99% pure! Rare stuff~" (Note: Breaking Bad / Tuco meme).
Mizuna asked:
"How is it? Will this sell for money?"
Kakuzu's eyes rolled. Smoking the cigarette, he said:
"Good stuff is good stuff, and money is money... but..."
"But what?"
Kakuzu said helplessly:
"To be honest, I have a Foster Father. I cannot betray him to work for you. I have principles!"
Mizuna laughed.
"Your Foster Father isn't righteous either. Sending you to assassinate my brother-in-law? That's sending you to die! Plus, from the looks of it, your intel was completely wrong, right? What's the point of following someone like that?"
Kakuzu thought it made sense.
"But he is still my Foster Father... I..."
Mizuna laughed loudly.
"Hahahaha! 70-30 split! You get 30, I get 70. On all cigarette sales in the Ninja World. How about it?"
Kakuzu screamed immediately:
"AAAAAHHHH! I am sworn enemies with that old bastard! A great man lives between heaven and earth! How can he live under others for long in depression!" (Note: Lu Bu quote).
Then he turned to Mizuna:
"I, Kakuzu, have drifted half my life, only regretting that I never met a wise master! If you do not abandon me, I am willing to bow to you as my Foster Father!"
Kakuzu was about to kneel, but Mizuna stopped him.
"Stop it! I'm much younger than you, I can't take that! And I'm not Dong Zhuo!"
Kakuzu asked:
"Then how can I show my loyalty? And who is Dong Zhuo?"
Mizuna's mouth twitched, thinking of a certain "Slave of Three Surnames" (Lu Bu).
"Just call me Boss or Boos from now on... I really can't handle being a Foster Father..."
Kakuzu nodded repeatedly.
"Kakuzu is willing to follow Boss for life!"
Mizuna opened the cell door.
"Go... handle what you need to handle..."
Kakuzu nodded seriously.
"Kakuzu obeys!"
He walked out of the cell.
"Hey!"
Mizuna called him back.
Kakuzu turned around.
"What are your orders, Boos?"
Mizuna held out a hand. Kakuzu was confused, so he put his hand on Mizuna's hand.
Mizuna slapped it away.
"Where's the money? Didn't the Waterfall Village want to buy the Tailed Beast?"
Kakuzu spread his hands.
"I don't know! They didn't give me any money!"
Mizuna nodded.
"Fine. Then that money will be deducted from your salary."
Kakuzu's face darkened.
"Boos... I'm not a Waterfall ninja anymore..."
Mizuna smiled.
"But you can't forget a promise... If you want to blame someone, blame the Takikage."
Kakuzu was furious but could only swallow his anger. He asked:
"Then... where is the Tailed Beast? Let me see if I can sell it to someone else to make some money..."
Mizuna shrugged.
"What Tailed Beast? You work for me now, so the Tailed Beast obviously belongs to Konoha!"
Kakuzu was enraged. But thinking of the culprit behind all this, he turned and marched toward the Hidden Waterfall Village, shouting:
"OLD PIG-DOG! I WILL DEFINITELY KILL YOU!"
---
Far away in the Hidden Waterfall.
The Takikage sneezed.
"Achoo! Who is thinking of me? It must be my son returning victorious! Pass the order! Prepare the wine!"
...