Inside the Sarutobi Compound.
Hiruzen Sarutobi was currently sneaking around in his family's toilet, doing something suspicious.
"Aiyaya~ So this is the 'cigarette' Mizuna invented? It looks so small. I've seen Dad smoke before, but he uses a pipe. Today, I'll try the taste of a cigarette myself!"
Saying this, Hiruzen pulled a box of matches from his pants, lit a match, and ignited the cigarette.
Inhale...
"Hiss~~ Phew~ Cough cough cough!"
Hiruzen coughed violently. Obviously, he wasn't used to the taste.
"Why is this thing so strong? It tastes terrible!"
Hiruzen was about to throw the cigarette into the latrine pit. But just as he was about to let go, he hesitated.
Throwing it away is a waste... Hiruzen thought.
He stared at the cigarette in his hand, contemplating.
"How about... just one more puff?"
He brought the cigarette to his lips again.
Inhale... Exhale...
This time, Hiruzen didn't feel the choking sensation. Instead, the nicotine kick made him temporarily forget his embarrassing moments...
"This... this cigarette! It's magical! I actually forgot my troubles for a moment!"
Hiruzen stared at the cigarette in a daze.
"This object should only exist in heaven! Hahahaha!"
Hiruzen suddenly burst into maniacal laughter inside the toilet.
Outside the door, Biwako (Hanako) heard her son's voice coming from the toilet. She walked over slowly.
She pressed her ear against the door to listen.
Inside, Hiruzen was clearly high on nicotine.
"WOAH! So strong! This thing is sending me to the sky! I feel like my whole being has ascended! This is what I, Hiruzen Sarutobi, have been searching for my whole life! YEAH!" (Note: Baki / Biscuit Oliva meme style speech).
Hiruzen shook his butt as he spoke, clearly extremely excited.
Outside, Biwako's eyes grew colder and colder as she listened to her son.
She slowly reached up and grabbed the top of the door frame. With a pull, she did a pull-up, peeking through the gap above the door (or ventilation window) to stare death at her "precious" son.
Hiruzen didn't know what was happening. He was still howling like a ghost.
"That's right! That's it! Hahaha! I, Hiruzen Sarutobi, have finally found something to relieve my stress!"
Suddenly, Hiruzen felt a chill on top of his head. He looked up.
He saw Biwako staring at him with lifeless, icy eyes. Hiruzen felt his blood freeze instantly.
If one sentence could describe Hiruzen's mood right now, it would be:
"RUN!" (Note: "Run / Run" internet slang).
Escape. That was the only thing Hiruzen wanted to do. But in this enclosed, narrow space, what could he do? Where could he go?
Hiruzen felt absolute despair. Like opening a cup of instant noodles only to find no flavor packet, then opening another one only to find it expired.
Hiruzen gulped and stared at his mom.
Biwako stared back.
The two locked eyes, the atmosphere growing colder by the second.
Suddenly, Biwako's face slowly descended until Hiruzen couldn't see her anymore.
Hiruzen snapped out of his trance.
He gasped for air. But because he was in a toilet, the air was filled with the smell of night soil (poop), causing him to retch.
Suddenly! The locked door shook violently. It was as if a beast outside was ramming it with full force.
Bang! Bang! Bang!
Hiruzen was terrified. He pressed his body against the door to hold it shut, accidentally stepping in some "night soil" in the process.
Soon, the violent banging stopped.
Hiruzen let out a slow sigh of relief.
"Phew~ I survived..." Hiruzen whispered.
CRACK!
An axe blade smashed through the wood, appearing right next to Hiruzen's face. It missed splitting his head by an inch.
Hiruzen froze. He didn't even have time to react.
The axe was pulled back quickly.
CRACK!
A second chop followed.
Hiruzen finally realized what was happening. His mother! Biwako Sarutobi! Was currently using an axe to chop the door down! (Note: The Shining reference).
Hiruzen panicked. He didn't know what to do.
He took the kunai strapped to his leg and held it tightly with both hands. Leaning against the door frame, facing the axe chopping down again and again, he screamed in despair:
"No! Mother! Please don't! No! Mother! I'm Hiruzen! I'm your biological son!"
Hiruzen tried to awaken Biwako's maternal love by calling her mother. But it was useless.
A large gap was chopped into the door. Biwako dropped the axe, walked up to the gap, and pressed her face against it. Her eye swiveled and locked onto the tear-streaked face of Hiruzen.
"M... Mother..." Hiruzen called out weakly.
The only response was Biwako's cruel smile.
"HERE'S MOMMY!" (Note: "Here's Johnny!" parody).
Hiruzen felt even more despair. He screamed with all his might:
"NO! MOTHER! I WAS WRONG! I WON'T DO IT AGAIN! MOTHER! SPARE ME!"
Outside, Biwako ignored her son's pleas. She slowly stepped back, then charged forward and kicked the door open with a single strike.
BANG!
Hiruzen was blasted against the wall by the impact. He looked at his mother in terror, pointing his kunai at her with trembling hands.
Biwako spoke with the demeanor of an absolute predator:
"Oh? Is this how you welcome your mother? My 'Precious' son!"
Saying this, Biwako punched Hiruzen straight in the face.
Hiruzen was dazed. He slid down the wall slowly, his butt landing in the "night soil"...
He looked at his mother, who was usually so gentle, in horror. He wondered where his gentle and beautiful mother had gone.
"M... Mom, can we reconcile?"
Hiruzen tried one last time to awaken her maternal love. But it was useless.
Biwako smiled slightly.
"Here and now? At this moment? My silly child... are you joking?" (Note: Attack on Titan / Bertolt meme).
Hiruzen despaired. After experiencing that series of tragic events, he despaired once again.
The last thing Hiruzen saw was Biwako's sandbag-sized fist rushing toward his face...
Then he remembered nothing.
---
Far away by the window, Sasuke Sarutobi watched in horror as his wife went from ramming the door, to chopping it with an axe, to kicking it open, and finally beating their son senseless...
The cigarette in Sasuke's hand slowly slipped from his fingers. The pack, only half-opened, fell straight to the floor.
Sasuke stared blankly and whispered:
"Sage of Six Paths... please protect my child..."
---
When Hiruzen woke up again, he found himself lying in bed. His nose and right eye hurt terribly.
He sat up slowly, looking at the familiar surroundings. Hiruzen couldn't seem to remember what happened before. He looked at the sunset outside the window, not knowing what to do.
Hiruzen got out of bed slowly and walked out of his room.
He found his father sitting at the dining table reading a newspaper as usual. His mother was cooking dinner at the stove, as virtuous as ever.
Seeing Hiruzen awake, Biwako said:
"Oh! Hiruzen is awake? Go wash your hands, then come eat~"
Hiruzen smiled and replied:
"Okay! Mom!"
At this moment, only Sasuke Sarutobi, who knew everything, sat there on pins and needles.
......