Haruki POV
It's been about a week since I started staying with Hitomi.
Yet I still feel on edge, I guess the scars in my heart are large and unkempt.
...
She really is too kind for her own good.
I've been trying my hardest to pay her back for what she did for me, taking me off the street and giving me a place to stay.
So, I clean up her apartment, I cook, and I walk her everywhere like she asked me to.
But she only works a few days out of the week and was picking up more shifts when I was staying at the pier just for that month.
I found out she's a college student, and she works part time to cover her hobbies like reading manga. She's got a massive collection underneath her bed and some of them I've read before.
But she doesn't know I'm some closeted otaku, kind of.
I still have problems talking, but I'm able to express myself better, even if slightly more. She's helped me with so much, even though we've only known each other for a week.
It's hard to trust someone easily though, I want to hide myself away and just isolate, but she won't let me do that.
She fights for me, and it's better than any family I could ask for.
...
I think I'm ready to maybe figure myself out. I need to explain a few things to her. It's on my own terms, this is a way for me to take a step forward into my new life.
I need to tell her what happened, she deserves to know. I can't leave her in the dark forever, I know.
We just got back from walking home from her college, and I met some of her friends. She said they're not terribly close, but they seemed like nice people, although I didn't speak much. They were all only a few years older than me.
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We walked through the front door, and she set her stuff down. I think it was time to show her that I'm willing to better myself.
"Hey Haruki, do you want gyoza tonight I think we have some in the freezer...?"
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I nodded back to her, a simple okay.
"Um, can I talk to you before....? About something...?"
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She looked at me in sadness her eyes slightly watering, then her facial expression turned stern.
"I already told you, I'm NOT letting you be on the streets again...yo–"
"It's not that..!!" I said quickly, correcting her.
"I-I'm so grateful for you Hitomi and I don't plan on leaving you... well u-unless you want me gone but..."
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Her face looked relieved when I said that she took a quick breath and her eyes dried up.
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Of course I don't want to leave, she's my only grounding point. Without her, I think I may be dead right now, either by direct or indirect suicide.
"I-I wanted to talk to you about...what happened to me and everything..."
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Her face looked surprised for a second, then looked down and back at me.
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Then she sat down on her bed, prepared to hear what I had to say.
She deserved to know, and I needed to tell her this, she deserves to learn about me, and decide if I'm a monster for herself or not.
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"I... I didn't do what they said I did," I finally said after a while, my voice was hollow. "I just want to make that clear first..."
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Her expression didn't shift, and she didn't flinch or raise a brow.
She just sat there and listened.
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"There was this girl, her name was Satomi. She was a popular girl and she always had people around her. I've never really been too popular, but I like to think I was at least a nice person."
"But one day she asked me out... I was surprised, because I never had a girlfriend before and she was so popular."
...
"Then a few days later she accused me of... something awful."
Even saying the word made my stomach twist.
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"I barely even talked to her. We shared a few classes and went on one date, that's it."
I paused, trying to keep my breathing steady.
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She falsely accused me of sexual assault on her, and faked a recording to make as evidence.
When I continued talking, I started tearing up. My eyes were getting watery and my voice was wavering when I was sitting at the table.
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I'm sorry I ruined the mood like I ruin everything else.
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"But it didn't matter, once she said it, everyone believed her. My classmates, my teachers, and even my own family. They didn't even ask for my side, they didn't ask me or try to get my side, they just looked at me like I was disgusting."
"They looked at me as if I had the capacity to assault that girl."
The room felt quiet, and I looked down at the table as I continued.
"My sister started avoiding me, and my mother started hating me...I loved them both so much...but they didn't feel the same for me..."
"Then one day, when I came home from school, they all abandoned me. My mother disowned me and my sister expressed her dying hatred for me. I grabbed a few things and was kicked out of my house."
I let out a shaky breath and leaned forward, elbows on my knees. My feet on the struts of the barstool in the kitchen.
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"I had nowhere to go, I wandered around for a bit, slept in parks, bus stops, basically anywhere I could be left alone."
"I walked from Saitama to here, and everything was a blur."
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I was scared to look at her face, if she hated me too, just like my parents I wouldn't know what to do. Take everyone from me, please.
Just not her.
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"Eventually I found this spot under a pier by the water. It was cold, but at least I could disappear there."
I rubbed my arms, remembering the nights spent curled up on concrete, shivering under an old blanket used as a makeshift tent along with some rustic poles.
...
I felt disgusted, like I was tainted, ruined even. I felt even my throat tighten, but I pushed on.
"Some days I didn't even have the energy to get up, and eventually I stopped speaking. Not on purpose of course, but it was hard."
I looked up, and for the first time, I met her eyes without immediately looking away.
She deserves to hear this, even if she hates me afterwards. I just...really hope she won't hate me after this, like my own family.
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"I thought about dying, every day I inched closer to death. I thought maybe if I just vanished, if I stopped being a burden, the world would be better off. No one would care. No one did care... until you showed up."
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I saw tears forming in Hitomi's eyes, from the glare of the room light.
Then she stood up, and walked over to me. I thought she was going to hit me, so I flinched a little...
...
Then...
She wrapped her arms around me unexpectedly...it was...unexpectedly warm.
Then she spoke in my ear while her arms were wrapped around me, they were...soft.
"You don't need to deal with that anymore. I'm with you now, you know."
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"M-my own parents hit me, and people at school bullied me, even used violence...."
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"And...and my childhood friend called me a rapist... no one wanted to hear my side of the story. I never did anything to her..."
"She scammed my family, stole our money in the guise of a settlement... and my mom wouldn't even let me go to the police..."
"They said I wasn't family anymore..."
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Hitomi tightened her grip around my waist when I said that, and...it broke me...
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"I...I hate myself for being so weak..."
"I don't know why you're doing all this for me either, wouldn't it be better off if I disappeared...?" I aksed her, tears in my eyes.
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Her face twisted when I said that she had a plethora of emotions flowing through her, but none was more rampant than anger, strong and protective anger.
"Don't say that." She said quickly, pulling me into her chest.
Her voice was shaking from fear, and frustration.
"Don't you ever say that again."
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"You think disappearing would make things better? For who? The people who abandoned you? The ones who didn't even try to understand you?"
"For them, maybe, but not for me, understand?" She replied.
I couldn't look at her. My fingers curled into her shirt while my head rested on her chest. I was...upset to say the least.
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She didn't stop.
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"You're here, and you're trying even when it's hard. That's not a weakness." She said to me, while continuing to caress me.
I squeezed my eyes shut. The tears didn't stop, and my chest ached with a pain I'd buried for months. Why did it take this long to feel even a little bit of affection?
"I'm scared." I whispered. "I don't know how to be... a person anymore."
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My tears continued to soaked into her shoulder, I didn't want to make her filthy so I tried ot pull away.
Then she dragged me right back.
....
"You didn't deserve that, you didn't do anything to deserve being thrown away."
I tried to speak, but my throat wouldn't let me.
...
So, I just stayed there, I stayed there in her arms while she tried and consoled me.
Minutes passed, and her voice came and went in soft little reassurances.
"You're not a burden."
"You're not disgusting."
"You're safe now."
I don't know how long we sat there together, but it felt like eternity. I felt...safe for the first time in a very long time. Maybe...it was okay for me to trust her, maybe it was okay...to be betrayed by someone like her.
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Hitomi POV
It's been a week since Haruki started staying with me, and he's been getting better, I think.
He still keeps his guard up most of the time, always looking like he's bracing for something bad to happen. I don't blame him, but I just... I wish he didn't have to live like that.
He tries so hard to help. He cleans and cooks when I'm gone which I really appreciate, but he still doesn't talk often. I made him promise to walk me everyday to try and make sure he doesn't run away or something, and it's working.
...
I'm still scared he'll try and disappear sometimes though.
I've gotten used to having him around, in a way that's... comforting. It's not bad having someone to talk to like this, someone so kind.
Today, after we got back from campus, he asked if we could talk.
...
He looked so serious, and for a second I thought he was going to tell me he wanted to leave.
And I got angry at that, I didn't want him to leave. I was scared he was trying to disappear. I'd stop him.
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But instead, he opened up.
He told me everything.
I didn't expect the flood of pain that came out of him. The story about that...terrible girl...Satomi, and what she accused him of.
How everyone turned on him. How his own family cast him out without a second thought, how he had to survive by digging through dumpsters and sleeping under a pier.
The entire time he spoke, I didn't interrupt, I just listened and tried not to cry.
But when he said, "Wouldn't it be better off if I disappeared...?" I couldn't stay still anymore.
I went to him, and I wrapped my arms around him and held him as tightly as I could. I couldn't control myself anymore, he looked to be in so much pain.
His body trembled under my touch. His voice broke again and again, like he was struggling to breathe.
...
All I could do was hold him and tell him, over and over that he's safe. He wouldn't push me away though; I wouldn't let him disappear.
In fact, for the first time, he leaned into me like maybe some part of him was tired of being alone, of carrying all that pain by himself.
...
It was in that moment, his tears soaking into my shoulder, and my hand started brushing through his hair, that I realized something kind of stupid.
I was really comfortable with him.
My face was hot, and my cheeks were red. My heart had been racing every time we talked. I don't know why.
I'm not sure what it is, I've never really felt this.
All I could do was hug him, and keep supporting him while he healed.
...
We only knew each other for a week, but it has felt like a lifetime.
He probably doesn't notice that my face looks like this, but I'm happy I found him.
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Haruki POV
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Wrapped in her arms, the warmth of her hands against my back, the softness of her voice. It was the first time in a long time that I didn't feel completely alone.
I didn't want to move, I didn't want the moment to end. Maybe I was selfish.
But eventually, I felt calm again, maybe a little less broken because of her, and a little more willing to heal.
She didn't treat me like I was trash like everyone else, like she genuinely cared for me.
...
It felt strange on my face.
Like something I hadn't worn in years.
We finally finished up, and was able to cook dinner, I helped her in the kitchen of course. I'm...so relieved that she believed me. Something my own family couldn't do.
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I sat at the table again, staring at the bag I'd left by the door, my old school bag from my old life.
It had torn seams, and frayed straps from being outside for so long.
For some reason, I had the urge to go through it after dinner.
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Under it all, a rolled-up hoodie and a crumpled receipt from a bus ride a few months prior.
Then I found something I forgot about, something that I haven't used in a very long time. I haven't even thought about it, because Hitomi rarely uses hers as well.
My phone.
I hadn't turned it on since that day, and I didn't want to.
I couldn't bear seeing the notifications. The messages that might've been there, calling me disgusting, calling me trash and telling me to die.
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Saying how much of a burden I was, but now I don't know. It has some really important documents I need to start a new life.
Maybe it's time, maybe I could get a new phone number or something, so I borrowed her charger quickly and charged it.
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I pulled it out with trembling fingers and plugged it into the wall, and the screen stayed black for a moment.
Battery charging: 1%
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I was scared to turn it on.
I stared at the reflection on the screen, faint and colorless, just my face pointing back to me.
I hadn't realized how long my hair has gotten, and I stared back at myself.
Was I ready for this?
I don't really want to see anyone's messages.
But I needed to see a few things on my phone, important documents, pictures, and maybe a way to get a new number eventually.
I should get a job to help out Hitomi, and for that I need my phone.
But...if I inevitably read a message, maybe it's a subtle way of letting them know I am alive.
I am thriving, and I will survive without them.
That the words I said to them when I left the house were true.
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That I'll never see them again.
I think it's time.
And so I turned on my power button.
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