Haruki POV
I...feel a little better after opening up to Hitomi...even if I'm still a little weird around her.
...
I just don't know anything anymore, I'm just so confused.
She's too good to me, I can't help but think about her, even in my dreams... she's honestly all I have.
That's right. Wait...
I was sleeping.
...
...
Then I woke up finally.
The sunlight beaming down into the room as the soft hum of the A/C buzzes throughout the small studio apartment.
My futon is messy from sleeping in awkward positions, something I do when I'm comfortable I guess.
Then I stretched myself, my back always hurts getting out of the futon, maybe sleeping on the floor isn't sustainable long term...? Better than concrete and dirt though.
This is my new life, and I feel so much happier.
...
Hitomi still isn't awake yet, but her face looks so peaceful when she sleeps, not that I stare at her or anything.
But sometimes I see her sleeping face... her lips and hair, they're....beautiful.
Shit...did I say that out loud?
...
Good thing she's asleep.
...
I can't think like that. I don't want to take advantage of her kindness like that. Who'd want someone disgusting like me calling them beautiful.
I need to get myself on my feet for her sake, so I can leave her alone finally.
...
I'm not as willing to leave myself to the cold embrace of death. I don't struggle to wake up, and I'm a little better thinking about everything with Satomi, and everyone.
Am I... cruel? It's only been about...50 something days since I've left home? I think?
I hold no love for it anymore, for any memories I had with them.
...
Well, it was their fault in the first place, but is it bad I'm growing happier than I ever have been before?
I've been staying with Hitomi for a while now, and I'm really starting to look forward to tomorrow...
But, there will always be some scars in place. I still have problems talking to other people....
I'm told by Hitomi not to think about it, but do I really have the right to think of myself as being happy? I'm scum.
...
"...Haruki..?" I heard from my right, as I was about to get out of my futon.
...
"...G-Goodmorning Hitomi." I replied shakily. Did she...hear me call her beautiful...?
...
Then she sat up out of bed, with her messy hair and looked at me from above.
"You know....it's our day off today...right?"
...
"Y-Yeah, it is. You deserve a break; you work really hard." I replied back to her with a smile.
I don't know why I feel so nervous talking with her now, maybe it's because I poured my heart out to her, or maybe it's something else...
...
Something else...?
I may be getting too attached to this routine, I need to remember.
This isn't permanent, and I'll be on my own again soon enough.
I can't get too complacent.
...
"I was thinking....maybe we could go out today...?" She asked me, still rubbing her bedhead.
...
Hmm?
Wait.
...
Is she inviting me out?
"Um....okay....where would you like...to go?" I muttered back to her.
...
I looked over at her, with a somber morning face, and her smile widened into a smile at me.
"You know, you're looking a lot better now...I'm...happy seeing you this way."
Her face was slightly red while she spoke. Was something wrong? Was she okay?
...
Maybe it was just the side she was sleeping on all night...
Then she got out of bed and walked right past me into the bathroom to start cleaning up.
That's when I realized something.
...
I don't want to be separated from her; I don't care if I'm too attached.
She's someone so special to me.
...
As she disappeared behind the bathroom door, her humming still faintly echoing, I stood there in the quiet of the room, this time my face flushing red.
My hands fiddled nervously with the edge of my shirt. I can't help but feel that she's so amazing.
That thought alone made my heart beat a little faster.
I shook my head slightly, to remind myself of reality, and moved to get changed, digging out something a bit cleaner out while she's in the bathroom.
Nothing fancy, just enough to look presentable on our day out of course.
...
I don't think I'm someone who deserves to feel happiness, not after everything that happened, but I don't know...
She makes me feel so warm, and so appreciated. She acts like how my family should have. I can't help but wonder, am I a burden in her eyes?
...
Still, ever since I noticed these feelings...this gentle warmth blooming quietly inside me, it's gotten harder to look at her the same way.
...
She's kind, and bright, and patient... and I'm afraid I'll break just standing next to her. I'm nothing next to her.
So when she came out of the bathroom, wearing a new outfit I hadn't seen before, something in my chest twisted.
My brain scrambled, unsure how to react.
She looked effortlessly good, so good it was hard to not stare.
...
And then I remembered yesterday.
How she held me, she let me cry without saying a word of judgment while she ran her fingers through my hair.
It felt...so nice.
Somewhere underneath...all of the trash inside of me, I was happy, happy that she cared for me like this.
...
Yesterday, I also turned on my phone, and I saw there were a lot of messages in my inbox.
But I didn't have the heart to actually check any of them, so all I did was email myself some important documents so I can access them from any computer, and shut off my phone again.
Although, I did accidently click on a few messages from Ayumi and Fukashima just because of the sheer amount of messages I saw from them, my finger slipped.
Why did they message me so many times anyways?
Whatever, it didn't matter. They're dead to me.
All that matters to me now, is Hitomi.
...
I went into the bathroom to clean myself up as well... slightly depressed.
...
I hadn't really looked at myself in a while.
My hair was still a little messy, curling unevenly around my neck, but I guess it looked better than it did weeks ago.
My face wasn't so hollow anymore. The bruises were long gone, still, my reflection didn't feel like me.
But...
I was starting to look human again.
...
When I walked out, she was already by the door, tying her sneakers.
Her long brown hair was down today, framing her face gently, and wrapping around her small petite chin.
...
For a moment, I stared a little too long.
But I think she noticed, because she looked at me with a grin after a second, her face slightly red.
"You look comfy staring like that."
...
Shit...
I looked away quickly from her... but she already caught me...
...
"I-I'm sorry...I didn't mean to."
But then she looked back at me, still with that beautiful wide smile of hers.
Then she said...
"Stare at me too long, and I may get the wrong idea you know..."
...
Huh...?
What did she say...?
...
Then looking away, she immediately opened the door, and went outside waiting for me to get my shoes on and step out with her.
...
Maybe I'm just imagining things, but does she like me too? There's no way...right?
...
Eventually I was able to get my shoes on and join her outside though.
...
"Hehe, today is going to be fun Haruki!" She exclaimed while preparing to walk.
The walk to the mall wasn't far. We took the train most of the way, then walked the last few blocks. I haven't really explored Kawasaki as someone who wasn't living on the streets, so now that I'm getting a good look at it.
...it's really beautiful.
Leagues better than what I had in Saitama.
...
This must be heaven, walking next to such a beautiful woman in such a beautiful place. I know this won't last forever, but I need to make this last as long as possible.
I told myself this, and I found myself stuck to the back of her head. I was starting to realize something...terrible.
...I think I love her.
...
I was always talking to myself, and figuring things out, even if it went nowhere, so I know she wouldn't love me back or anything. I was happy the way we both are right now...
Yet.
...
The sun was warm, and the breeze carried the faint scent of bakery sweets and city air.
I hadn't walked like this in a long time, not with someone by my side who actually cared about me.
Not since my father...
...
"There it is Harukiiii I'm so excited!!!" She said to me excitedly, I'm just glad to be here with her.
We reached the mall after about another five minutes.
...
Hitomi lit up like a kid seeing candy once we walked past a few shops she liked.
...
She looked so beautiful. Every step she took filled my heart with comfort, because I know even if my life has made a turn for the worse....I was still right here in this moment.
...
Then she said...
"There's a bookstore on the second floor I want to check out..."
She began pulling me gently by the sleeve while we explored so many different shops, then she started walking toward the escalator.
...
It was a large bookstore, it had a lot of thrift shop items inside, but also new and polished copies. I was honestly really impressed.
Then I saw the amount of people that were in there...I'm still not used to it. It brings back...some bad memories.
I think...she can tell as well. I don't want to be weak in front of her....
...but I'm scared.
...
She's always trying to make sure I'm okay, and that's why I think I have feelings....I don't know what to do...
...
Then she did something unexpected.
...
I felt her hand quietly reach for mine, her fingers slipped between mine.
...
She looked up at me with that soft, warm smile of hers. That wide grin did something to my chest every time I saw it.
"....gotcha." she said to me, looking off to the side as she interlinked with my fingers.
Her face was red, and I'm sure mine was too.
...
Then we continued through the store, looking at a lot of different genres including Manga and other fiction.
Then she went over to the cookbooks for some reason, I thought it was funny, then I realized its probably a smart idea to look at some. Diversify our dining a little...
"Hey...what about this...?" She said, pointing towards a cookbook with some good food on the cover.
"What do you think about trying some of these recipes sometime...?"
...
"Yeah...I'd love to try some....Hitomi." I said, staring right back at her as she said it.
I can't help but stare at her, is she doing this on purpose?
...
Why do you make me feel human?
...
She pointed out manga she'd read too many times, and other series she'd love, I wasn't the biggest fan of manga or light novels, but I've read a few.
I didn't say much, but I listened, because everything she said to me was something special.
It was soothing.
...
After maybe an hour, we stepped outside through a side exit near the mall's edge. She stretched and sighed.
"Let's rest for a bit, too much shopping makes me hungry, yeah...?"
She's got a point.
...
I nodded, rubbing my shoulder a little, to be honest my mind was more exhausted than my body, holding hands with her so randomly like that gave me the wrong idea.
I'm sure it was to make sure she didn't lose me or something...
...
We walked along the edge of a quiet street near the mall, heading towards a local Takoyaki place she told me about.
That's when we saw a shop, tucked between two larger buildings, yet it was bellowing with beautiful colors, that was my first impression.
"...wow..." l said out loud. It caught me off guard.
...
The sign was worn, the wood faded, but the storefront was still alive. There were so many different types of vibrant flowers on display.
...botany?
They swayed gently in the breeze like they were waving. Then she realized it, and turned to follow my gaze.
"Oh wow," she said softly. "They're so pretty..."
...not as much as you I thought to myself, as we walked inside. We were both still hungry, but it wouldn't hurt to come in here quickly.
That's when I saw the "Help Wanted." on the window near the front. I stared at it for a moment.
Hitomi split off from me to look at the tulips near the back, but I was stuck at the lilies by the register.
...
I wish I could take a picture of this, solidify this moment in my history forever.
The two most beautiful things in front of me.
...
"I didn't know this place was still here." She said unexpectedly.
...
Eh...?
"You know this place...?" I asked, surprisingly fluent.
...
"Well yeah, of course. I've never walked inside before though; I haven't had a need to...they are just as beautiful as I thought they'd be." She said to me, smelling the flowers in front of her.
After a moment of window shopping, someone came out to greet us.
...
An older man stepped out from behind a folding screen, holding a small watering can.
His sleeves were rolled up, hands stained with dirt and fertilizer.
"Looking for something special?" he asked warmly, with a large smile across his face. "Any events...?"
...
"No, sir, but they're so beautiful!" Hitomi exclaimed. "They're so well kept!"
...
"These are some of my favorites..." He said, talking to Hitomi for a second, you've got some good tastes missus."
...
Then he started to turn to adjust a potted hydrangea.
...
Then, his eyes fell on me.
...
"I saw you were looking at that help wanted earlier, you interested son?" He said to me.
I hesitated, my throat kind of raised up for a second.
"...um, everything is just so beautiful. I'm not sure if I'd be good at it..." I replied.
...
He chuckled for a moment, but I'm not sure what was so funny...
...
"That's surprising, those eyes showed some serious love for a moment."
I wasn't sure what that meant.
...
Love of what?
But then he said something that stuck.
"I'm looking for a little help around here, if you want just come on by and I'll help you out, alright?" He said, short and sweet.
...
It would be nice working here...but I'm not good at dealing with people. Wouldn't I be a burden?
Why would you want me near anything so beautiful?
...
He turned back to his pots, whistling a quiet tune.
Hitomi had already wandered to the other side, admiring another flower while we were talking, so she didn't hear anything I said.
I stayed back, just staring at the shop and the flowers.
I was still surprised that the old man talked so bluntly, that he saw through me so easily...
...
And for the first time in a long time, something small lit up inside me.
...
Maybe...this was my chance to repay Hitomi for all she's done.
I can become someone who wasn't just being taken care of like a freeloader...
...
Maybe I can pay her back...?
...
Later, after we left, she bought me some Takoyaki and looked back one more time at the flower shop from across the street.
Hitomi noticed.
...
"You like that place?" she asked.
"...It felt peaceful."
She smiled at me and grabbed my hand again.
"That's good..."
...
I looked at her; I really have some dangerous feelings in my heart...
...
It hurts at times, but not in a bad way.
Everything I look at her, every time I feel her, it gets worse.
Maybe...I really am in love...
...
I can't freeload off her forever.
...
I'll take that old man up on his offer, I'll work hard for her sake.