I think I was never a person to write a diary. But sometimes, you have to note certain events - not just to remember them, but to make sure you're never forgotten. So… this is going to be that diary entry for me.
Let me first introduce myself. Ella Clown-that's me. I'm what you'd call a typical college student. Am I a college student? …hmm, I'm not sure. But guessing by my age, I probably am. Yeah… that's enough about me.
You've probably heard of crazy people who believe in alternate dimensions and realities, right? Yeah… I'm NOT one of them. But the thing is, I'm now a living proof of it - the irony, hahaha.
I've been like this for… I wonder how many days? Hmmm… I guess I forgot. You readers must think that if I really wanted to go back to my world, I'd be doing all sorts of stuff and counting the days. But there's a reason I can't. This is an alternate reality where I'm NOT supposed to live, so it keeps trying to send me back. You know, the "world always knows"… what do they say? …yeah, "the walls have ears." So, I get sent back every single time within 3 days.
You must be thinking, "Lucky!"- like I could steal from a bank in one world, live like a queen for 3 days in another, and never get caught. But nah… the only thing I can carry through is my handbag, and it always has the same contents: a phone, a diary, and about six hundred bucks. I don't know why so many things differ but currency remains the same. My phone never works - no signal, no towers. And with the same amount of money every time, I don't have to worry anyway.
The first three or four worlds were fun at first: different cultures, new people, delicious food. Then I started noticing someone - Shawn. This guy appears in every world, and he always dies within 72 hours. His death is what sends me to the next world. I thought it was a coincidence… but after three times, you should probably believe, right? The first page of this diary even read: "SAVE SHAWN." So… maybe if I save him, I can go back to my world and stop bouncing around.
I must go back. Yes, I must… I should… yeah. Normally, you get the urge to save someone if they might die, right? So that's how it started. But I gave up after the 6th time because the more time I spent with him, the harder it was to watch him die. I thought if I stayed far from him, maybe… fate would handle it. But Shawn is nice. Every world, he accepts me as a friend - says I look like someone he knows. By the tenth world, I realized I can't give up - not for him, not for me -because every time I go to a new world, I lose pieces of myself. First it was a street name, a novel I read, a teacher's name… and now I don't even remember my first love's face. Hahaha… isn't that funny? No, no, I'm not crazy. Everyone has their own coping mechanisms, so don't judge me. By the 16th… nah, the 17th world, I'll probably forget myself completely. Maybe Shawn too. Crazy, huh? But it's fine. I'm sure I can find a way back… and also save Shawn. You believed me readers, didn't you? Hehe… I was kidding. I'm totally going to forget myself. I am already half crazy ... and by the 17th world I will be fully crazy.
**13th world
Good lord it is spinning ... guess another world. I wonder how Shawn died in the last one. I hope he didn't get burnt in the fire. That one is just so painful .Why am I biting my nails ? I guess I must be anxious. But why am I anxious? He is none of my concern.
Well shucks the diary is empty again. But the first page with the words "Save Shawn" still remained. Readers, you must have thought I could've just written stuff or drawn in the diary or tattoe myself so I wouldn't forget ryt ? Nah that's not possible.
I wonder what I forgot this time hmmm let me recall myself. This is my 13th world, I am Ella Clown, a college student and ..and....I don't remember ...did I have a family? haha this is driving me insane . Maybe if I kill Shawn myself - maybe quickly without any pain maybe maybe then his ghost or his guardian angel ... will stop bringing me back, yeah it must be that .I should kill him then I wouldn't have to be stuck in this endless loop. I will go and find Shawn.
**14th world
Yeah, that didn't work. I killed him. I actually killed him and you know he just smiled ... he... why did he smile? How could you smile at someone when they killed you?
I wonder what I forgot this time. hmmm I am Ella...Ella what ? I don't know. Maybe I don't have a surname or is that what I forgot? well who cares? I wonder what will happen once I forget myself - will this world kill me along with Shawn since I have no more fragment of memory to be erased. Or will I just go crazy?
I went to Shawn. He didn't remember me killing him so he once again accepted me as a friend. This time, I wanted to just… be near him, not watch him die. We talked. He said yes to a random stranger asking him for tea. Is he like this with everyone? I hope not. Why do I hope not? It's not like I like him… or do I?
**15th world
I heard Shawn shout 'Mira' as a bus approached me and he saved me killing himself in the last world. Isn't that funny? He died saving me? ME?... ME? Poor Shawn didn't know that if he dies then I go to another world.
Maybe... readers do you think if I die ... Shawn may stay alive? Maybe the world is getting confused and instead of killing me - the unstable element ... it is killing him? I have thought of this before but I never had the courage to kill myself. But instead of losing the memories of my family, friends and even myself and living like a crazy person, I would rather die and let Shawn live happily in this world.
**16th world
I was about to end it all in the last world, the knife was already cold against my palm - when Shawn appeared.
He ran to me, breathless, his face pale with panic, though he tried to mask it behind his usual smile. "Don't do that, Mira," he said, his voice trembling.
Mira. He'd called me Mira.
I blinked at him. "Who… who is Mira?" He said the same name when he saved me from the bus.
Shawn stepped closer. "My lover," he said quietly. "I've been chasing her for lifetimes."
A sharp pang twisted inside me. "You… have a lover named Mira? I've never seen her. And wait-how do you remember me? You never remembered me before."
Shawn reached out, brushing a strand of hair behind my ear, and whispered, "I always remembered you, Mira."
My chest tightened, and I could barely breathe. "Then you remember me killing you…" The words caught in my throat, my body trembling. I couldn't finish the sentence, terrified of what his answer would be. How could he still want to save me when I've killed him myself?
"Yes, Mira" he said with a face that held no resentment only a faint sadness.
He called me Mira again, and my heart ached at the sound. Was he mistaking me-Ella-for this Mira? Or was I truly her? If I was Mira, then did that mean Shawn and I were lovers? For the first time, I found myself wishing I really was Mira.
Shawn knelt beside me. "You are Mira," he said gently. "Every 17th loop, you forget yourself. And to keep you from going mad, your mind creates a new identity for you-this time, it was Ella."
I stared at him. "That's insane." My voice cracked. But deep inside, something shifted. It didn't feel like a lie.
I forced myself to ask, "Then why do you have to die in every lifetime?"
Shawn's sad smile deepened. "So you can live."
My hands clenched. "Why should you have to die for me to live, Shawn?"
"Because the anomaly isn't you, Mira-it's me." His eyes locked with mine. "I was the one who was supposed to die. But your will-your desperate need to keep me alive anchors me. Every time I'm killed, you pull me into the next world. And every time, a piece of you goes with me."
I felt my blood run cold. "How… how did I even know you?"
He took a breath. "I stumbled into your world the first time. We met and we fell in love." He looked away, his jaw tightening. "When the world realized I didn't belong, it tried to kill me. Over and over. But you wouldn't let go. Your memory of me - your love for me, kept me tethered. Unless you forget me completely, you'll never be able to live freely."
He reached into my bag before I could react. "Shawn, what are you..."
He poured water over its pages, smearing the ink, the memories.
"Now you can be free, my Ella," he whispered.
And then -(thud).
**17th world
"Shawn." I looked up. But there was no Shawn now. I ran frantically, trying to find where he was…
With the terrible headache, I could feel my memories collapsing one by one: Shawn's smile, my first meeting with Shawn, the words he spoke to me and his face.
Then I stopped and looked back. Where am I? What am I searching for…? I think I fainted.
Then, when I woke up, I was in my bedroom. My mom called me for dinner. I went and got something to eat… but I kept feeling as if I forgot something…
The diary on my table slipped and fell onto the floor. I don't remember ever having the habit of writing a diary, so why is there a diary?
I picked it up. There was something written on it-"a name," I think. It was smudged.
If I forgot it, then probably it wasn't anything important.
"Readers… next time when déjà vu creeps in… it may not be your imagination… maybe someone altered a dimension and you're just remembering the you from that time."