EJ Walker leaned against the front desk at Quahog Gym, tapping his fingers on the counter while the manager ran through the basics of his new job. He wasn't paying too much attention. Nineteen years old, six-foot-three, broad-shouldered, and built like someone who actually enjoyed crunches, EJ already looked like the kind of trainer who didn't need a manual. His grin was easy and confident, the kind that made people take a second glance.
The doors opened and heads turned almost immediately. A couple of women on treadmills nearly tripped trying to check him out. EJ stretched, adjusted a set of dumbbells, and smirked. He wasn't cocky — well, not Quagmire-level cocky — but he knew when people were looking.
That was when the gym doors slammed open again, and Peter Griffin stumbled in like a lost walrus.
"Holy crap, look at this place!" Peter shouted. "It's like TV, but real! Lois! Lois, they got muscle-vision!"
There was no Lois behind him, of course. Peter was just wandering. He'd been restless all day after crashing into the satellite dish and wiping out Quahog's television signal. With nothing to watch at home, he decided to wander around town, searching for entertainment.
He stopped dead when he spotted EJ. "Whoa! You're huge! You like beer?"
EJ put down the weights and raised an eyebrow. "Yeah?"
"Perfect. You're my new best friend."
Just like that, EJ was part of Peter's orbit.
Later that night, EJ found himself at The Drunken Clam, Peter proudly dragging him to a booth like a prize he'd won at the fair. "Guys! Guys! Meet my new buddy, EJ. He lifts heavy stuff for a livin'."
Cleveland, Joe, and Quagmire all looked up from their beers. Joe nodded. "Good to meet you." Cleveland gave a polite wave. Quagmire leaned forward with a grin that was just a little too sharp.
"Quagmire," he said, gripping EJ's hand in a shake that lasted a beat too long. "Pilot. Ladies' man. Quahog's most eligible bachelor. Basically, the alpha male around here."
"EJ," he replied smoothly. "Personal trainer. I help women sweat."
The table went silent. Cleveland wheezed a laugh. Joe blinked. Quagmire's smile faltered just a fraction.
Peter clapped his hands. "Oh man, I can already tell this guy's gonna fit right in. Quagmire, you're like, the sex guy, and EJ's like… the new sex guy! Only taller! And younger! And with abs you can actually see!"
Quagmire's eye twitched. "Yeah… cool. Giggity."
The night rolled on with beers, jokes, and Quagmire trying way too hard to prove he still had game. Every time a woman walked by, Quagmire leered and called out, usually getting slapped. EJ, meanwhile, just gave a nod or a smile, and the women giggled on their way past. It wasn't even a competition — though Quagmire clearly thought it was.
After last call, Peter decided the night wasn't complete without introducing EJ to the family. He burst into his house shouting, "Lois! Kids! Guess what! We got a new neighbor-slash-drinking buddy-slash-buff guy!"
Lois appeared from the kitchen, wiping her hands on a towel. She gave EJ a polite smile. "Well, it's nice to meet you, EJ."
Her eyes lingered just a second longer than they should have, taking in his height and broad frame. She quickly looked away, but EJ noticed. He didn't comment, just returned the smile with easy confidence.
"Pleasure's mine."
Meg, on the other hand, looked like she was about to combust. "Ohmygodhi! I'm Meg! I like your… uh… arms! And hair! And face! And—" She tripped over her own shoelaces and nearly face-planted.
Chris waved a half-eaten chicken nugget in his direction. "Hey."
Stewie studied EJ from his high chair, sipping apple juice like it was brandy. "Muscular, symmetrical jawline, suspiciously confident aura… He's either here to train Father or assassinate us all. Frankly, either outcome improves my odds."
Peter slung an arm around EJ's shoulders. "See? Everybody loves him! He's gonna be around all the time! Right, buddy?"
"Guess so," EJ said with a grin.
The next day, EJ stopped at the Quahog Mall after work to grab a smoothie. That's when he heard it — the sound of exaggerated giggling. He turned to see a group of high school girls strutting down the hallway like they owned the place. At the center was Connie D'Amico, the queen bee of James Woods High.
"Oh my God, who is that?" Connie whispered loudly, making sure her entourage — and Meg, who trailed behind them — could hear.
She marched right up to EJ, twirling her hair. "Hey, handsome. You new here?"
"Yeah," EJ said. "Just started at the gym down the street. EJ."
"A trainer? Mmm." Connie smirked. "Bet you could show me a lot of… positions."
Her friends burst out laughing. Meg's face turned scarlet.
EJ raised an eyebrow but stayed cool. "I could. But only if you actually signed up for the gym."
Connie gasped like he'd just dropped the smoothest line in history. "Oh my God, he's funny too." She touched his arm before strutting off with her friends, leaving Meg fuming in her wake.
That night, EJ flopped onto his couch, kicking back after his first two days in Quahog. He had a job, a new group of drinking buddies, and apparently, the unwanted attention of both Meg Griffin and her mortal enemy Connie D'Amico. Not bad for a start.
Somewhere across town, Meg sat at her desk, scribbling "Mrs. Meg Walker" in a notebook surrounded by hearts. "It works," she whispered dreamily.
Quagmire, in his own house, was pacing the floor. "Okay, Glenn, you've still got it. He's just taller. And younger. And better looking. And more charming. And—" He paused, staring at his reflection. "Oh God, I'm doomed."
And in the Griffin house, Lois quietly folded laundry. She caught herself thinking of EJ's smile and shook her head quickly. "No. Nope. Not doing this." She tossed a shirt into the basket a little too hard and muttered, "Peter's friends are supposed to be schlubby, not… that."
But the thought lingered anyway.
Quahog had a new face in town — and everyone was already feeling it.