The sun filtered through the blinds of EJ's small Quahog apartment. He sat on the edge of his bed, pulling on a T-shirt and sipping from a protein shake. Life in this town was already strange enough after only a couple of days. He'd met Peter Griffin, already gotten pulled into the inner circle at The Drunken Clam, and had somehow managed to draw the attention of a teenage girl and her high school nemesis in less than 24 hours.
As he laced up his sneakers, his phone buzzed. Peter.
"EJ, buddy! Whatcha doin'?"
"Getting ready for work. Why?"
"You're not anymore! You're comin' to Meg's birthday party!"
There was a pause. EJ raised an eyebrow. "Meg?"
"My daughter! Remember? The one who tried to swallow her tongue when she saw your abs? Yeah, her! It's her birthday today and you gotta come over. Lois says it'll make her day if one of my friends shows up who doesn't smell like old beer and despair."
EJ sighed. "Fine. But just for a little while."
By afternoon, he was standing in the Griffin living room, where colorful balloons sagged in the corners. A sad little "Happy Birthday" banner drooped above the couch. Meg was dressed up in her nicest sweater, practically glowing the moment she spotted him.
"EJ! You came!" she squeaked.
"Wouldn't miss it," he said smoothly, handing her a small gift bag. Inside was a simple water bottle with "Meg" printed on it in gym-logo font. It wasn't fancy, but Meg looked like he'd given her a diamond necklace.
Lois bustled around setting out chips while Peter wrestled with a box of decorations. "Damn thing doesn't come with instructions! Who the hell knows how to set up a—" The box unfolded, spilling out a giant inflatable clown that instantly towered over him. "AHH! Evil balloon monster! Lois, grab the shotgun!"
Stewie glanced at the clown and then at Peter. "Oh splendid. A symbol of childhood joy has reduced you to wetting yourself. Truly inspiring, Father."
Guests trickled in, mostly neighborhood kids Meg didn't like. Connie D'Amico sauntered through the door with her entourage, flashing her perfect smile. "Meg, thanks for the invite. It's so cute you thought people would actually come."
Meg clenched her fists. "Just—go get some cake."
Connie spotted EJ leaning casually against the wall. Her smirk widened. "Ohhh, hey there, muscle boy. Didn't expect to see you at a kiddie party."
EJ shrugged. "Didn't expect to be here either. But free cake's free cake."
Her friends giggled. Connie slid closer, making Meg's blood boil. "If you get bored, maybe I can give you a real party later. Something… fun."
EJ just chuckled and took a sip of punch. He wasn't taking the bait, but Meg stormed off in tears anyway.
Cutaway gag:
Meg crying in her room, clutching a pillow.
Pillow: "Don't worry, Meg, you'll always have me!"
Meg: "Thanks, pillow. You're the only one who understands."
Pillow: "Also, you're crushing my face, and I can't breathe."
Back downstairs, Quagmire had shown up uninvited, eyeing EJ from across the room. "Heh-heh, so, uh, this is the competition, huh?" he muttered to himself. "Well, Glenn, time to turn on the ol' charm."
He strutted toward a group of moms lingering by the snack table. "Ladies, the party's here. Giggity-giggity!"
One mom rolled her eyes. Another slapped him with a paper plate. EJ raised an eyebrow and leaned over to Lois. "Does he always strike out this hard?"
Lois sighed. "Pretty much."
Their eyes met for a second too long before Lois cleared her throat and excused herself to cut the cake.
As the kids gathered around to sing, Peter proudly carried out the cake — and immediately tripped over his own shoelaces. The cake went flying, landing face-down on the carpet. Gasps filled the room. Meg looked like she was about to implode.
"Uh… five-second rule?" Peter offered weakly.
Lois pressed her fingers to her temples. "Peter…"
Before the meltdown could erupt, EJ stepped forward. "Hey, no problem. I'll run out and grab another cake. Be back in ten."
Meg's eyes lit up like he'd just saved her life. "You'd do that for me?"
"Sure."
Cut to: EJ jogging out of the store with a fresh cake in one arm like it was a football. A robber ran out behind him with a sack of money. EJ hip-checked him into a cart rack without breaking stride.
Back at the Griffins' house, he set the cake down just in time for Meg to blow out the candles. Everyone cheered. Meg beamed at him like he was her knight in shining armor. Connie rolled her eyes and muttered, "Whatever, he's still mine."
As the party wound down, guests filtered out. Lois gathered plates, Peter napped in a chair with frosting on his chin, and Meg cornered EJ at the door.
"Thanks for saving my party. You're… amazing."
He smiled, patting her shoulder gently. "Happy birthday, Meg."
She practically melted on the spot.
As EJ left, he spotted Quagmire leaning against his car outside, arms crossed.
"Listen, kid," Quagmire said, trying to sound tough. "This town's only got room for one ladies' man, and that's me. You might be taller, younger, and better-looking—" He trailed off, realizing he wasn't helping himself. "—but I've got experience! And a pilot's license! Giggity!"
EJ opened his car door with a smirk. "Cool story." He drove off, leaving Quagmire shaking his fist in the driveway.
Back inside, Lois put the last dish in the sink, pausing as she glanced at the door where EJ had just stood. She shook her head quickly, whispering, "Nope. Not going there."
But the thought lingered.
And upstairs, Meg sat at her desk, scribbling hearts around "Mrs. Meg Walker" for the second night in a row.
Quahog had a new guy in town — and people were already choosing sides.