I slowly got dressed, and every movement reminded me of how thoroughly I'd been undone. Sex was great but it stung everywhere. I thought with teary eyes.
By the time I got home, my resolve hardened.
I tossed my sore body on my bed after having to sneak past Miss Hwang so I wouldn't have to answer any questions and then I stared at my ceiling fan.
It was still. Probably cause the air con was currently on.
"Alright then," I mumbled to myself as I picked up my phone.
The first thing I did was delete the app.
As tempting as it was to go back to the garden and once again taste that fruit, I couldn't risk seeing him again.
I was terrified of wanting more than I could handle. Terrified that I got fucked so much to the point that I had forgotten my own name, haha. Terrified that I would end up catching useless feelings with a simple fling, end in disappointment and heartbreak.
I've seen how stories like this end. I've seen the tragedy a one-night stand brings. And I don't want to be up for that tragedy.
I'll go back to my old life and pretend none of this ever happened. Pretend I had never met the hot guy named Mike. And pretend that I was still a virgin... Okay, scratch that. I can't pretend that last part. Not when my ass feels like it has been run over by a school bus.
Anyway, I told myself I had to return to who I was, a model student, focused, responsible, unshakable. The kind of person who didn't lose his mind under a stranger's body and the kind who rarely socialized.
That was my conclusion.
But as I lay in my own bed that night, staring at the ceiling, my body betrayed me.
The memory replayed itself with cruel clarity. The grind of his hips, the stretching of my insides, his hands gripping my ass with all he got, enough to dig his finger into my plump ass... And then the way he whispered 'good boy' directly against my ear... I was a moaning mess. A shameless moaning mess.
I shut my eyes tight, burying my face in my pillow and biting as beads of sweat rolled down from the pores of my temple.
"I... I can't…" I whispered to no one, barely holding on as my boys burned and down there... Down there was raging. "I can't forget him."
Even after all that I said to convince myself. All that I said I would do so I could forget that night ever happened, it was as if I had just quoted a recital because none of it went to my heart. And none of it sank into my body.
My... my heart and body already knew what my head refused to admit.
I didn't just have sex.
I had him. I had Mike.
And no matter how much I wanted to erase it, Mike's touch was etched into me, burning, tingling, lingering, impossible to forget... How was I to live my normal day-to-day life when he had made such a mess of me?
I... I don't even know my body anymore.
I stared at my twitching dick in my briefs, leaking precum and I bit my bottom lip, as if hating myself.
Just what... What was I going to do?
For the next few days, it was harder to adapt than I imagined. My body tingled at the oddest hour. It distracted me and even a light brush of my shirt against my nipples made me flinch and flush.
I probably seemed weird to the people around me, but I couldn't help it.
It was what has become of my body.
And while I only ever masturbated twice a week in the past in order to keep a clear head and focus on my studies, I was now having to deal with an erection about twice a day, and 18 times. Weak. Yeah, 18. Not 14.
I was more wrecked than I thought.
I... I wanted to have sex.
But the moment that thought crossed my mind, I'd slap my cheeks no matter where I was, coming across as insane to anyone who saw me.
Sex was what brought me into this mess in the first place. If I think having it a second time will make me feel better, then that was just an obvious lie. A trick of the brain to get what I want at the moment and not think about future consequences.
I would only be getting myself into more of that desperation.
I shut my eyes, resting my head on my book in the library. The cool breeze from spring blew in through the window and I opened my eyes.
My sight fell on the pretty cherry blossoms floating in the air from the back of the school building.
This spot... I liked it the most in the library because it had a great and relaxing view of the cherry blossoms at the back of the school.
Spring was almost over. I shut my eyes and let the soft breeze calm my worries.
"You seem very preoccupied," I heard a voice, and forced my eyes open, raising my head to find a Sunbae seated across from me with a smile on his lips. "So, what were you so mesmerized about that you ended up falling asleep, Ha-Joon?"
For a moment, it felt like my breath was caught. Not because I didn't have what to say or that I was too shaken by the fact that I had been caught sleeping in the library but... This Sunbae... Does he know me?
As if noticing my puzzled question, he chuckled softly and quietly, whispering,
"I'm sorry, did I scare you?"
I nodded.
It's not every day a Sunbae walks up to you, knowing your name and acting like you've been friends for years. Much less when it's someone as handsome as him.
Though, he paled in comparison to Mike. Ahem.
"First, let me introduce myself. My name is Duck-Hwan." He introduced myself and the meaning spoke in my head.
'The return of virtue?'
"I've heard a lot about you, Ha-Joon-ssi. I might be a year ahead of you but we have statistics together. I'm sure you've never noticed me, though since you always like to be by yourself."
I'm sure I haven't.
But is that what he came here for? I could tell he came with some sort of intention.
"Duck-Hwan-nim, is there something you want from me?" I asked and he looked at me, his eyes spelling amusement but then he smiled and said,
"Ha-Joon-ssi, I have been tasked to drag you to the department gathering this evening. So, will you come or do you want me to do this the hard way?"
What?