I was bored at the supermarket. There was a Preacher of Christianity in front of me. Who used a church gift card to pay for groceries. I decided to start a ruckus cause I know Christians are Republican.
"Hey, why are you a f@#$%^ ? Don't you have a job? Fucking thief." I say with fake anger.
I grin like a sadistic jester as the Preacher glares at me. And so does the whole store.
"That's a Preacher." Percy says angrily.
"Yeah, but he's using church money for his own groceries. That's dumb and thievery." I joke darkly.
The Cashier Lady smacks me. I laugh at the pain.
"Do you have a job? How many sermons per week do you do?" I joke happily.
"Um, three. They're each two hours." Preacher says angrily.
"So you only work 6 hours a day and live on church funds? Nuh uh, bad. Get a job." I say with smug disdain.
So many relatives and friends from the past step out to give the judging stare. High school classmates I thought left town, my old boss, Jimbo from my current work. My current CEO was even there. And I'm grinning like a sadistic dick.
"Get a job poser. You're taking advantage of religion and tithes to be criminally lazy." I say with a jester's disdain.
"Quit stirring shit up, Jacob!" Percy snaps angrily.
The Preacher's face is red with anger as he storms away.
The next day, as per usual, it goes to shit at work.
"That Preacher is this job's Preacher. We all go to his Church. You know, where we have the State of the Plant at?" Senior Operator Jimbo says nicely.
He knows I'm a smart guy when it comes to social situations it seems, cause 12 light bulbs in my head go off at once.
"Fucckkkkk. Don't tell me the job is about to be passive aggressive." I say with amused fear.
I chuckle as my Senior nods with amusement himself.
"A lot of people are gonna bitch. Be ready, I ain't helping." Senior Jimbo says seriously.
He walks off as my ex Sera approaches me with Repo.
"Jacob! Why did you tell that Preacher he needs a job? He owns the church, he doesn't need one! He does good enough being the Spiritual Leader of Danville." Sera says angrily.
She hits my shoulder hard, and I giggle like a tough school boy being "tortured" by a tomboy.
"I'll make it hurt, Jacob." Sera says angrily.
She puts keys in her hands, and I stiffen up with actual malice. She puts them back in the purse and I relax.
"I was grabbing a soda, chill out." Sera says annoyedly.
"Yeah, well, weapons are dangerous." I say, ashamed and sheepish.
We all chuckle nervously. Then Sera hits me harder anyway while snapping at me.
"JACOB, BE NICE TO OUR PREACHER! Or else!"
"Fucking stupid Hemlock kid. You poisoned the lot. Now they all make jokes to the Preacher about how he needs a job. Or to make John Christian." Repo says annoyedly.
"John Christain? That bible game? Those suck." I say, amused.
"Jacob! Bible games are rad!" Sera says angrily.
I look at her like an adult seeing a cute child.
"You play bible games? The only ones I saw that were even decent was the Shint Megam Ten spin off, Last Bible. And I don't even know if it's true, those were just thoughts from watching a youtuber reviewer play them." I say, greatly amused.
"Those are evil! They criticize God! They're for Anti-Christ kids! All videogames not approved by the Pope are!" Sera says angrily.
"There's a list of Pope approved games?" I say, curious.
"Yeah, like Undertale." Repo says calmly.
"Huh? Neat." I say calmly.
"It's more like Priest approved, but whatever. Point is they're for kids who need videogames. We're supposed to stop when we're adults." Repo says calmly.
"Ah, that's sad and annoying." I say calmly.
Then lightbulbs shoot through my whole brain as connections strike me!
"So wait, all these pre-conceived notions about videogames and animations being cringe is cause y'all Christians stop doing it when you're adults? Cause you're required to?" I ask seriously.
"Yeah, or else you're a thought criminal." Repo says seriously.
I laugh a bit hard at that.
"Guess I'm a thought criminal cause I love videogames." I say happily.
They both are offended and concerned by that.
"Jacob, stop playing videogames! They corrupt you!" Sera says, serious and fearful.. "They introduce bad thought patterns."
I stare at her thoughtfully, and nod in agreement.
"I agree with you. But these ideas must be confronted eventually. Or else we ignore the mainstream of life." I say seriously.
"You should ignore the mainstream." Lucy says, concerned. "The mainstream are where the Demons hide out. They control the internet through force."
"Eh?" I say confusedly.
"Jacob, it's time to learn something serious. Almost every big youtuber or celebrity is a thought criminal to the church. Or worse. Cause they should be dead for even speaking up with their sins. Some of them are immortal demons, we swear!" Sera says fearfully.
"Eh? Like what? How are they demons?" I say confusedly.
"They want rape legalized." Lucy says with serious concern and fear.
I sigh and stare ahead at the machine, considering my path.
"Toxic masculinity is on the rise, along with evil Men's Rights. Like the rape being legalized. We can't have that." I say seriously.
Sera stands in front of me, concerned.
"Don't do anything stupid, they're not even fighting fair." Sera says fearfully.
I sigh sadly. It's a good thing we weren't dating then. Cause I did a lot of stupid shit before I had the fame to justify anything. But the Philosopher and the Fuckboy Machivelli in me kept arguing. And they both said it.
"I need to be a Father of Society. Like the Dude would want." I say seriously.
"Please don't do Dude Philosophy." Krillin says with sincere concern and fear.
"What is Dude Philosophy?" Lucy says nervously.
"It's something from the Big Lebowski. Jacob, did you watch that cursed movie recently?" Sera says fearfully.
I sigh and grin wickedly.
"Yes, and it harmonized with my soul and philosophy. I may have no children, but I must still be a Father of Society." I say seriously.
"You of all people? You're basically the Anti-Christ in a lot of ways. You argue with Preachers for one. And you're violent." Repo says angrily.
I sigh sadly, my head hung low. Then I stiffen up, resolute and prideful in one thing.
"Despite that, I have a superior morality to many. I must argue for the sake of morality. Cause Men's Rights leads to abandoning Morality." I say seriously. "They keep arguing Learned Morality should be abandoned, and only instinctive morals remain."
This has been an issue that has been broiling in my head for too long. It began with losing an argument on a political server I still hang out on. About how Learned Morality is because instinctive morality is better. And to an extent, they're right. If you're based. Cause it's based on what instincts you follow.
Instinctive Morality leads to selfishness and anarchy in my mind. Learned Morality is admitting things are better if we change and be civilized. But what does Anarchy say? We talk more than you. There's more life over here, you're quiet and sad. And Civilization replies 'It's cause we don't do stupid shit like y'all do all day. Criminals. We work, you play criminal.'
There had been a major thing happening too often that led to this. People kept trying to rob me on the streets. Thankfully I've practiced boxing in my spare time, so I knew how to tussle. I know the weak points of the average human, so it was fine. Until it wasn't.
Politics and Gangs happened. A Gang almost robbed me. Until my Gangster Relatives showed up to settle it. And accept I should avoid that side of town. But I hated it. My town was gonna become Gangster Land where we can only travel to certain approved parts of town if I didn't do something.
Thankfully I had practice with fighting my own relatives for the sake of drama and women. I knew how to separate a Gang. Blackmailer Season babyyyy. Now we be Detectives of Gangster Land, and pit them against each other until they're killing one another. And we walk by until only the strong hyenas are left unfortunately. And maybe a small gang or two.
I thankfully have a foothold in Gangster land with my relatives, the Lost Devils. Or Los Diablos in Spanish. Cause they're Demons of Christianity.
I just hung out at my family's cookouts too hard. Until they talked about shit in front of me, and I eavesdropped. Basically they wanted to kill the right people of each gang, and make the rest of them settle. Then they ask for my opinion on what to do cause they know I'm listening, and-
"You're our resident psycho, help us out Jacob. You've got beef with the gangs for robbing you." Uncle Keenan says seriously.
"I mean, I will gladly help for once. But for real, how is it only a few people gonna win the day? Are they the banks of their gangs?" I ask calmly.
"Yeah, some are." Uncle Keenan says calmly.
"Alright, give me a list. This makes life easier for me. I'll do what I can. Any info on them, like their jobs or arsenals? Anything combat related or about their criminal stuff? And any absurd benefits they have?" I say calmly.
"We ain't got shit, they hide it too well. They all got military weapons though. And pistols at least if they're broke." Uncle Keenan says bitterly.
I sigh annoyedly. They write the list up, and I begin walking around town. Cause the first step of winning a ground war is to observe the town in gang warfare form. It was calm until I entered buildings. Like a Bank. It had security up the ass. Local security.
"Get the fuck out unless you have a bank account. Locals only." Security Guard Percy says angrily.
I nod nervously as today Percy is in a SWAT Uniform with a shotgun. It seems some businesses hired security. There's a problem though. Percy has social anxiety out the ass, he's gonna pussy out. Then I consider my whole generation, the young people of society. And sigh sadly.
"It's all on me. Y'all are pussies with social anxiety compared to me. Bold and r@#$%^& with it. If not straight up Gangster Psychopath with a quarterstaff." I say sadly.
All I had is a Quarterstaff and a dream. The world is my oyster. Cause social media made everyone anxious pussies. And I loved that cause my madness says "Y'all are pussies that will cry if you point a gun at me and I ask questions like 'What ya gonna do with the body?'
An hour later, I'm at the Burger King, buying food. When a dumbass starts threatening suicide unless-
"BITCH, SUCK MY DICK OR I'M BOOMING THIS PLACE!" Dickhead yells furiously.
I step behind the counter, with my quarterstaff ready.
"Yo, it's gang war season! Y'all better chill out, I'm on neighborhood watch duty today. Got the stick right here." I yell angrily.
I enter the fast food kitchen. There's two lanes, and a side lane for fryers and another stove. Two lanes worth of stoves. Lots of stoves with barely any workers. Automatic food society is a joke. It keeps too much food warm, that's why it's fast. There's pocket ovens in the middle of the lanes. Shelves for accessory foods like pickles and lettuce. With pocket ovens for burgers above it. Easy access, and the heat keeps the ingredients moist. I worked at a similar restaurant before.
I turn to the fryers and laugh. I see my Sister's ex boyfriend with cleaning supplies hanging over the fryer, held in his arms.
"So is this a ghetto bomb? Soap bomb or some shit?" I joke amusedly.
"Don't make fun of me Jacob, I'm serious about this." Glair says angrily.
I roll my eyes, and thrust the staff into his throat. He drops the cleaning supplies and the 'boom' happens. It's just a thick fog of bad toxins. I just shrug.
"Fuck it, it's a gang war today anyway. Everyone go home, Glair the suicidal bitch just boomed the place with cleaning supplies." I yell apathetically.
People curse and shout angrily. Someone even pulls out a gun and screams "THIS PLACE AIN'T SHUTTING DOWN, OR Y'ALL ARE FIRED!"
I smile nervously.
"Then just air the place out and have a nice day sir." I say awkwardly.
I leave, as I assume with that level of anger and a gun, he's the owner or their real boss. Either way, he's got it under control for Capitalism's sake.
Fun fact, that's my first bit of blackmail achieved. It'll help out later in a surprising way.