"I still refuse to expose anything about myself. I am too based to be guilt tripped into confessions. Also video evidence isn't real in Illinois. It's illegal." I say cockily.
"Shut up, this is a Free Mason Court. Simulation Court in other words. And now we must make sure you don't do stupid shit in simulation land. Like try to assault me if I fuck your mom." CraigCraig says smugly.
I throw my mouse at the tv, and crack the screen.
"Punch him in the mouth, that was naughty." CraigCraig says angrily.
The SWAT Agent punches me in the mouth. I flip both him and CraigCraig off cause I'm mad. The SWAT Agent twists my fingers a bit, and I wrestle with him for a second so I can get my fingers back.
"Alright girls, moving along. In this simulation of your work, you claimed that if they lock you into a contract again, you're going to blackmail your workplace with your twitch streams and youtube accounts. How about not doing that?" CraigCraig says sternly.
I glare before shouting with angry defiance.
"FUCK YOU AND THOSE LAZY HOES! TELL THOSE BREATHING WALLETS AND THEIR WHORES TO QUICK FUCKING AND DO WORK INSTEAD SO I CAN LEAVE TOWN!"
"You can't leave town, dog man. Your gene score is too high." CraigCraig says sternly.
I stare with confused, watery eyes.
"You're too human. Your gene score with humanity is 17%. That suggest you had sex with another human, which is incest. Your mom should've fucked a dog. Sorry kid." CraigCraig says sternly.
I throw a empty soda can at the tv. The SWAT Agent punches the tv.
"WHAT DO YOU MEAN OUR MOM SHOULD'VE FUCKED A DOG!?" SWAT Agent and I say in angry unison.
"Alright, so this is weird, but roll with me. Being human sucks, we need new builds. All Gifted Humans allowed to mate, need to mate with an alien that's a mammal. Or a mammal. We need new powers." CraigCraig says, embarrassed but serious.
"So we are in beastiality eugenics now? And I can't leave town cause, what? You need weird things like dogs and aliens to be able to fuck our women?" I say, utterly confused.
"... Yes, unfortunately. And I know what you're thinking, it doesn't count as incest as long as you're not related to each other? Well, all humans are related to each other eventually soooo shut up." CraigCraig says sternly.
"So we're really supposed to fuck dogs then? If your genes are a good number, does that mean your dad fucked a dog?" I say, skeptic but amused.
CraigCraig begins to cry. The SWAT Agent pukes in my trash can, and runs out the room. I step outside, watching my neighborhood puke with horror and make the hilarious accusations.
"WHO FUCKED A DOG AND HAD KIDS WITH IT!?" Mother screams with despair.
"I didn't, I fucked an alien in a space ship." Hippie Bro says happily.
"I did, and I liked it." Gay Man says proudly.
Mother pulls out a gun, the Gay Man and his dog pull out guns. The Dog is holding his gun with a metal prosthetic arm and growling.
"So everyone below 10% has a dog parent right?" I joke.
"No, mine is a cow." Beefy Man says sternly.
"I have too good a nose. Mine was definitely a dog." Obese Man says sadly.
I laugh at them. Suddenly the three Beastmen ready claw weapons and start growling like animals. I pick a stick off the ground, and throw it elsewhere. They don't look away.
"We're not dumb like them." Repo says angrily.
My Neighbor blows a rape whistle, and all the Beastfolk hiss and howl like wounded beasts. I laugh and walk back inside. Then I make a youtube video making fun of the Illuminati for this idea.
"Ladies and Gentlemen, breaking news! People with low gene scores have a dog parent cause one of their parents are f@#$%^&." I joke happily.
I post the short. Within an hour, people on the internet are threatening suicide and being grossed out as expected.
"So the Free Masons made me fuck a dog for a better fighter's build? Why? That's it!? Just for a better soldier!? I was scarred by that man." Jack White says, traumatized and angry.
"Yeah, so I fucked a lizard by sticking it up my vagina and made my lizard boy Stan. What about it?" Lizzie Lowhand says angrily.
"Alright, I admit it. I jizzed on a tree, and from a branch three months later. Came an apple holding my baby boy inside." Jerry Feintfeld says with awe.
"So I accidentally jizzed in my underwear and threw it into the goodwill bin, where after that it landed in a landfill. A ladybug ate it, and gave birth to my half bug son, Jubilee." Krammer says seriously.
Then there was sadness and embarrassment.
"I'm part bug. I love eating plants too much. Especially covered with ranch and honey. My mom fucked a bug. My dad isn't my real father." Manly Bug Man says, traumatized.
"I always wondered why it felt good to fuck trees. Didn't know it was cause I was part tree." Youtuber says with good humor.
He stares at his webcam angrily.
"FUCK YOU, I AIN'T A PEDOPHILE CAUSE I FUCK TREES!" he screams furiously.
"My dad fucked a doogggg! Waaaahhhhhh!" Child cries miserably.
It all adds up to when I drive to work, and people are handing out MDMAs.
"Don't tell anyone my dad fucked a cat." Hot Woman says sadly.
We all sign it, I'm bullied into it with a sad look from everyone while I chuckle about it. Then it's revealed what I am by my mom.
"I FUCKED A ECO FRIENDLY DILDO AND YOU CAME OUT THE FLOWER, KID!" Mother yells, traumatized and sad.
I laugh a lot at the image of a baby coming out of an eco-friendly dildo. She cries and runs out the house.
I watch humanity on youtube for many hours, laughing at their trauma and incredible gifts.
"Because I'm part bug, I hear radio waves. Neat. This person says cause they're part dog, they drool way more than a human should. Sad. Barron Trump claims his piss is always green cause they're rich with chlorophyll. No, you're just dehydrated, kid." SlackFilms says happily.
A woman cries in front of an octopus holding nine kids.
"I DIDN'T EVEN WANT THE KIDS! MY FATHER MADE ME FUCK THE OCTOPUS FOR CASH FROM A PORN WE DID!"
All the children spit ink at their mother. She cries, then slips and falls cause of the ink. I laugh.
Suddenly there's an angry knock at my door. I open it, and there is an Anubis. A tall, tanned buff man with a canine's smooth black fur head.
"Suddenly I want to be a furry. How are you handsome?" I say suavely.
He steps far away.
"Go fuck yourself!" Anubis yells angrily.
I close the door. I turn around, and then there's a beautiful woman with a cat's tails and cat's ears stretching herself out across my couch. I smile and wave.
"Normally I'm offended by strangers in my home, but we can get along." I say suavely.
She glares at me.
"Go away, I have a husband. And I'm your mom's friend." she says sternly.
I sigh, and go back to watching youtube with the door closed so I'm not distracted by furries. Life is so weird now. The Alien Fucker in me is demanding I go outside and meet some aliens. But I want to laugh at humanity still even more.
A man in an orange jumpsuit stands at the fence of a prison. He is screaming miserably at the news.
"WE'RE LAB RATS IN HERE, MAN! THEY SAY I'M 12% APE, 14% DEER, 9% BUG, 8% WATER, AND ALL KINDS OF SHIT! THEY'RE TRYING TO GIVE ME A MEAL PLAN THAT'LL MAKE ME GROW WINGS! I DON'T WANT THAT, I WANT MY CAR BACK!"
Then I hit a local youtuber channel and find something interesting. A Street Fighting Arena full of misfits and freaks. Hosted by a kid from high school I knew. Nick Canon. He's a skinny black kid in a gold jacket, a tie dye shirt, blue sweatpants, and sandals. He has a microphone.
"YOOO! Freaks of Nature, come out to Main Street and Griffin to see who's got the best fighter builds? Is it meat n!@#$%? Is it the bug people? Is it my build as a youtuber with the boom stick!?" He yells proudly.
He holds two megaphones together as a high pitched whinny goes through the screen. I watch as a few freaks of nature enter the scene. Like a Fat Naked Man covered in beef chunks. And a Skinny Guy in a sun hat, white t-shirt, and blue shorts with a net full of butterflies.
"I was gonna go until I saw that naked fat ass." I say angrily.
"Go, the people need you to win for us. It'll be funny." Cat Lady says seriously.
I turn to her, confused and slightly aroused at the thought of a woman asking me to win a fight for her. She smacks me like a cat.
"Bad. But go win for humanity's sake. If you lose, someone else's race will be president. And I hate slime politics. They're pedophiles." Cat Woman says sternly.
I smile, walk past her, and drive over to the spot. I park the car, and approach the arena. Somebody jabs a needle in my arm, and I almost kill them on the spot. Then it starts humming weird, and the guy shows me a screen. It says Human/All.
"You're part of everything. But most of all, a human. Fucking incest baby." Needle Guy says angrily.
I punch him in the throat, then trip him to the ground. And kick him in the back of the spine for good measure. After that, it happens.
"WE'VE GOT A VOLUNTEER FOR THE HUMAN SLASH ALL ARMY! CAUSE SOMEONE FUCKED A BUG, A HORSE, AND A DRAGON ALL AT ONCE! GIVE IT UP FOR JACOB HEMLOCCCKKKK! VERSUS A PRAYING MANTIS HUMAN! ROUND OF APPLAUSE FOR ROBERT!" Nick Canon yells like a proud showman.
I'm grabbed by my biceps and dragged into the ring. So is a skinny man with something like feathers coming out his wrists and ankles. Then he swings his fists, and the feathers become like blades, swinging forward with his punches.
"Oof. Concerning." I say nervously.
We square up with one another. We're both smirking with confused pride. And swing at one another. His blade on his wrist, necks my throat by my Adam's Apple while I hit him square in the jaw. He spins around me, and points at my wound.
"I win, Son of Adam." he says smugly.
I look at them closer. They're a cute asian guy. I smirk fondly, and can't help but grab his hand and pull it close to me.
"You're strong, I like you." I say happily.
He rips his hand away from mine and walks away smirking.
"I have a girlfriend." Praying Mantis Guy says sternly.
"Apologies." I say nicely.
We both try stepping out the arena, but I'm not allowed to just yet.
"Hold on a tick, Son of Adam. The Praying Mantis is the star, but you're gifted to an extent. The cut is shallow, that fills me with hope you're a Rock Man. We have the perfect contestant for a Rock Man. He requested you." Nick Canon says happily.
I turn and see a big buff black guy that is way too shiny. And has a sharp nose. Sharp to a point.
"Is that black guy part bug?" I ask confusedly.
"Yes, he's part beetle and ant specifically. He has super strength allegedly." Nick Canon says happily.
"Ruh roh." I say nervously.
My adrenaline flares up, colors becoming saturated. We walk towards one another, and I aim for the stomach cause he's taller. I try boxing his stomach up, and it should've worked. But he says a cursed line.
"The Bug Men have evolved beyond the need for air." Beetle Man says with malice.
I try blocking a left hook he's swinging at me, but he smashes my forearm into my head, then pushes me into the ground with his fist. I slam into it, vision becoming blurry. Then Beetle Man walks away, holding his arms out wide proudly. I sigh angrily and stand up, feeling bruised and defeated.
"Eyyyy Son of Adam, nice try, nice try. We admit, without lungs, he's a challenge. Also remember Son of Adam, play nice. Don't try to do anything stupid with a tool. Just accept you lost." Nick Canon says, happy and stern.
I step away from the ring, and decide to keep watching the freak shows for now.