Chapter 17: The One with the Family Dinner
Place Change: Monica's Apartment, March 1995 (POV: Monica Geller)
The air in Monica's apartment, usually a pristine, organized sanctuary, was currently a whirlwind of chaos and impending disaster. Monica, with a crazed glint in her eye, was meticulously folding napkins into the shape of swans for the upcoming family dinner. She was in a state of high-strung, culinary and competitive bliss.
Monica, however, was in a state of pure, unadulterated dread. She was slouching on the couch, her face a mask of misery. She was not dreading the family dinner. She was dreading… her parents.
"Okay, Monica. Breathe. It's just your parents. They're just people who gave birth to you. They're just people who are going to be here for a few days. And they're just going to embarrass me in front of all my friends. In front of all the beautiful, beautiful women who are going to be at this family dinner. This is going to be the worst week of my life. The worst week of my life. And I haven't even had the family dinner yet."
Joey, meanwhile, was in a state of pure, unadulterated bliss. He was in the middle of a full-blown food monologue. "I'm going to eat all the food! I'm going to eat all the food in the world! I'm going to eat the hard food, the soft food, the chewy food, the chocolate food, the… the food that is shaped like a fish! I'm going to eat it all! I'm going to be a food king! A food king who has a lot of… cavities."
Adam, however, was in a corner, a quiet, amused smile on his face. He had a plan. A System-driven plan. He was going to charm Monica Bellucci.
[SYSTEM: TAKE MONICA BELLUCCI TO A BROADWAY SHOW, MARCH 20, 1995. COMPLIMENT HER TASTE IN THEATER.]
"A Broadway show. Perfect. A little bit of romance, a little bit of charm, a little bit of… a prank." He then discreetly reached over and, in one smooth motion, swapped Monica's menu with a fake one. He then grinned, waiting for the chaos.
"Okay, everyone," Monica said, grabbing her stack of menus. "Let's go to the family dinner of our lives! Let's go to… hey! What is this?! Adam! These are… these are not menus! These are… these are… coupons for a pet grooming salon! These are… a disaster! I have to go to the family dinner! I have to be the queen of the family dinner! And I have to get there on time! I have to get there on time!"
The group, of course, was in hysterics. Even Ross, who was moping, had to stifle a laugh. Chandler, meanwhile, was just shaking his head, a long, sarcastic sigh escaping his lips. "Oh, look, a prank. I haven't seen one of those since… well, since Adam put decaf in Monica's coffee beans. This is… this is groundbreaking. This is a game-changer. I'm going to go call my mom and tell her about this. She's going to be so proud."
Rachel, however, was in a full-blown panic. She was getting ready for a job interview. She was frantically rummaging through her purse, her hands trembling. "I can't do this," she stammered, her voice high and tight. "I can't do this. My resume is all wrong, my outfit is all wrong, and I'm going to make a fool of myself. I'm going to go in there and they're going to be like, 'So, what are your qualifications?' and I'm going to be like, 'I'm really good at making coffee.' And then they're going to laugh at me! They're going to laugh at me and then they're going to hire a man! A man who is not good at making coffee!"
The group just looked at her with a mixture of concern and amusement. Ross, meanwhile, just sulked. "You'll do great, Rachel. You'll do great. But you know, it's not really a job, it's a… a career. A real job. A job that a man would do. And I know a lot about… jobs. I know a lot about… everything. So if you need any advice, just ask me. I'm an expert on everything."
Place Change: Central Perk, March 1995 (POV: Monica Geller)
The air in Central Perk was a chaotic symphony of coffee grinders, clinking mugs, and the frantic, high-pitched whining of Rachel Green. Monica, still fuming from the anticipation of her parents' visit, sat on the orange couch, clutching a mug of coffee as if it were a life raft in a sea of despair. She was trying to listen to Rachel's panicked monologue, but her mind kept drifting back to her parents. The pranks. The smug smirk. The utter audacity.
"How dare they? How DARE they? I spent an hour trying to figure out how to avoid them. An HOUR. And they just… they just say they're coming to town! And they think they're so clever. They think they're so funny. Well, I'll show them. I'll show them what a real prank looks like. I'll show them what it means to mess with Monica Geller. I'm a master of revenge. A master of… sarcasm. And I'm going to organize their life into a series of horrible, terrible pranks. And they're not going to see it coming."
Rachel, meanwhile, was in the middle of a full-blown panic attack. "I just… I just don't know what to say! What if they ask me about… fashion? What if they ask me about… fabric? What if they ask me about… the difference between a high-waisted pant and a… a regular-waisted pant? I don't know! I don't know the difference! I just wear the pants! I just… wear them!" Rachel's voice was high and tight, and she was gesticulating wildly, almost knocking over a small pile of muffins on the counter.
Phoebe, ever the eccentric, offered her support in the only way she knew how. "Rachel, don't worry about it. Just think of the job interview as a performance. You are the star of your own play! And the director, he's not really a director, he's a… a magical unicorn. And he's going to give you a job because you have a beautiful soul! And… and you're wearing a beautiful dress! A beautiful, beautiful dress!" Phoebe then took a deep breath and looked Rachel in the eye. "And if he asks you about the pants, just tell him that the pants are a metaphor for the human condition. The high-waisted pants are a metaphor for our dreams. The regular-waisted pants are a metaphor for our… our legs. Our very, very regular legs."
Across the couch, Chandler was in the middle of a long, sarcastic monologue, aimed directly at Joey, who was still boasting about his food-eating skills. "'Joey the Food King.' That's what they call you, huh? That's what they call you because you eat a lot of food. You know what they call me? They call me 'Chandler the Wit.' Because I am witty. I'm so witty, I can make a joke about you being 'Joey the Food King' for at least five minutes straight. And I'm not even done yet. So, I have a new nickname for you. I'm going to call you 'Joey the Loser.' Because you're going to lose all of your food to me. I'm going to eat all of your food."
Joey just looked at him, his face a mask of simple confusion. "What? But I'm 'Joey the Food King.' You just said that."
Adam, meanwhile, was sharing his Broadway show plan with the group. "Wait, hold on a second. System, I have a new question. What's the optimal time for the Broadway show meetup? I don't want to seem too eager."
[SYSTEM: OPTIMAL TIME IS 8:00 PM. MONICA BELLUCCI WILL BE WALKING THE RED CARPET.]
"I'm going to a Broadway show," Adam said, a casual shrug of his shoulders. "A friend of mine has a new project out, and I just want to show my support."
Chandler, ever the mocker, just shook his head. "A Broadway show? Adam, you're not a Broadway show guy. You're a… a prank guy. You're a guy who puts coupons for pet grooming salons in other people's pockets. You're not a guy who watches shows. The only show you've ever watched is a show about a guy who has a dating system."
Just then, Rachel, who had been listening intently, just stuttered, "M-M-M-Monica Bellucci? Y-you're going to a Broadway show with M-M-M-Monica Bellucci? The supermodel? The actress? The… the goddess?! Oh my God! Oh my God! Oh my God!" She then, of course, spilled her coffee all over herself, which was a fitting end to a very, very chaotic scene.
Time Change: Family Dinner, March 1995 (POV: Monica Geller)
The family dinner was a blur of nervous laughter, awkward silences, and the scent of expensive perfume. Monica, a woman who was used to the chaos of a sitcom, was a woman who was now a part of the elegant, professional chaos of a family dinner. She was wearing a tuxedo. A tuxedo that she had bought with her System money. A tuxedo that she was not going to be able to return.
She was sitting across from Rachel, a woman who was, in fact, more beautiful in person than she was on the screen. She was wearing a beautiful dress. A dress that was a metaphor for… everything.
"Rachel," she said, her voice a low, melodic purr. "Thank you for coming. It means a lot to me."
"Of course," she said, a small, sincere smile on her face. "I'm a big fan of your work. Your performance in this film was… it was a masterpiece. A masterpiece of… acting. A masterpiece of… beauty. A masterpiece of… everything."
Rachel just smiled. "Thank you. That's very kind of you to say."
The family dinner was a beautiful, beautiful thing. And then… and then it was over. And then it was time for… the prank. The prank that was a part of the plan. The prank that was going to make Monica so, so mad.
Place Change: Monica's Apartment, March 1995 (POV: Chandler Bing)
The air in Monica's apartment was a comfortable, familiar mess, a stark contrast to the high-pressure world of Rachel's new job. Chandler, however, was in a good mood. A really, really good mood. He had just gotten off the phone with his mother, and he had gotten a positive review. A real, honest-to-god positive review.
"Okay, Chandler. Breathe. You can do this. You are a professional. You are a fashion executive. You are not a waitress. You are not a waitress. You are not a waitress. You are a… a success. You are a success in a beautiful dress. You are a success who is going to get a raise. And then you're going to buy a new dress. A new, even more beautiful dress."
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