Chapter 15: The One with the Book Club
Place Change: Phoebe's Apartment, March 5, 1995 (POV: Phoebe Buffay)
Phoebe Buffay was a woman who loved books. She loved the smell of them, the feel of them, the stories in them. She loved the idea of a book club. A book club where people talked about… books. Not gossip. Not dating. Not jobs. Just… books. And today, she was hosting her first book club.
She was in her apartment, a whirlwind of motion, barking orders at everyone. Ross, who was still moping about Marcel, was on the couch, just staring into space. Rachel, who was trying to help, was a disaster.
"Phoebe, what do I do with this?" Rachel asked, holding up a raw carrot.
"You peel it, Rachel! You peel it with a peeler! Not a knife! A peeler! And you don't just throw the peels away! You save them! For… for garnish! For… for something!" Phoebe shrieked, her face red with frustration. "And Joey! Joey, stop eating the book! It's not ready yet! It's a work in progress!"
Adam, meanwhile, was in a corner, a quiet, amused smile on his face. "Alright, Mr. Omniscient Dating System. A book club. A time for family, friends, and… a prank. As a joke, and only as a joke, because I know Monica will get me back, how do I bond with Monica Bellucci over a book?"
[SYSTEM: DISCUSS 'THE BELL JAR' WITH MONICA BELLUCCI AT A BOOK CLUB, MARCH 5, 1995.]
Adam's eyes widened slightly. "The Bell Jar. Perfect. A little bit of intellectualism, a little bit of charm, a little bit of… a prank." He then discreetly reached over and, in one smooth motion, hid Monica's book club snacks. He then grinned, waiting for the chaos.
Place Change: Central Perk, March 6, 1995 (POV: Rachel Green)
The air in Central Perk was thick with the scent of coffee, muffins, and a whole lot of book talk. Rachel Green, a whirlwind of nervous energy, was clutching a coffee cup in her hands, her knuckles white. She was trying to explain her work struggles to a very, very confused Phoebe.
"I just… I just don't know what to do! My boss is a monster! She's a monster who wears a beautiful dress! She's a monster who wears a beautiful dress and she just… she just looks at me and she just… she just says, 'Fix it!' And I don't know how to fix it! I don't know how to fix it!" Rachel's voice was high and tight, and she was gesticulating wildly, almost knocking over a small pile of muffins on the counter.
Phoebe, ever the eccentric, offered her support in the only way she knew how. "Rachel, don't worry about it. The job is not the thing. The thing is… the thing! The thing is you! And you are beautiful! And you have a beautiful soul! And… and you're wearing a beautiful dress! A beautiful, beautiful dress!" Phoebe then took a deep breath and looked Rachel in the eye. "And if she says, 'Fix it,' just tell her that the thing is not broken. The thing is a metaphor for the human condition. The report is a metaphor for our dreams. The fonts are a metaphor for our… our lives. Our very, very regular lives." Phoebe then started to sing a song. A very, very weird song. "Work, work, work is for the birds. Work, work, work is for the words. The words that you say when you work. The words that you say when you're a jerk…"
Adam, meanwhile, was sharing his book club plan with the group. "I'm going to a book club. A friend of mine has a new project out, and I just want to show my support."
Chandler, ever the mocker, just shook his head. "A book club? Adam, you're not a book club guy. You're a… a prank guy. You're a guy who puts decaf in other people's coffee beans. You're not a guy who reads books. The only book you've ever read is a comic book. A comic book about a guy who has a dating system."
Just then, Rachel, who had been listening intently, just stuttered, "M-M-M-Monica Bellucci? Y-you're going to a book club with M-M-M-Monica Bellucci? The supermodel? The actress? The… the goddess?! Oh my God! Oh my God! Oh my God!" She then, of course, dropped her tray all over herself, which was a fitting end to a very, very chaotic scene.
Time Change: The Book Club, March 5, 1995 (POV: Phoebe Buffay)
The book club was a blur of nervous laughter, awkward silences, and the scent of expensive perfume. Adam Stields, a man who was used to the chaos of a sitcom, was a man who was now a part of the elegant, professional chaos of a book club. He was wearing a tuxedo. A tuxedo that he had bought with his System money. A tuxedo that he was not going to be able to return.
He was sitting across from Monica Bellucci, a woman who was, in fact, more beautiful in person than she was on the screen. She was wearing a beautiful dress. A dress that was a metaphor for… everything.
"Monica," he said, his voice a low, melodic purr. "Thank you for coming. It means a lot to me."
"Of course," she said, a small, sincere smile on her face. "I'm a big fan of your work. Your performance in this film was… it was a masterpiece. A masterpiece of… acting. A masterpiece of… beauty. A masterpiece of… everything."
Monica just smiled. "Thank you. That's very kind of you to say."
The book club was a beautiful, beautiful thing. And then… and then it was over. And then it was time for… the prank. The prank that was a part of the plan. The prank that was going to make Monica so, so mad.
Place Change: Monica's Apartment, March 6, 1995 (POV: Adam Stields)
The air in Monica's apartment was a comfortable, familiar mess, a stark contrast to the high-pressure world of Rachel's new job. Adam, however, was in a good mood. A really, really good mood. He had just gotten off the phone with his boss, and he had gotten a positive review. A real, honest-to-god positive review.
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