Sometimes, there are things you shouldn't see—images that get etched into your mind and never fade away. No matter how tightly you close your eyes, that moment keeps appearing behind your eyelids. Eventually, you whisper to yourself, "I wish I were blind… I wish I had never seen that moment."
But life doesn't change course because of wishes like that. No matter what, it tears a piece of you away and leaves behind only a hollow shell.
Sometimes, the punishment isn't just seeing—it's being shown. Sometimes a single sentence whispered in your ear, a single confession, can shatter your whole world. That word sticks inside you like a knife. You wish you hadn't known, hadn't heard, hadn't learned. That's when you realize how peaceful ignorance can be as a shield.
But some truths are so heavy… living with them is a test in itself. If you can see, or if separation is more than just pain… if it's strong enough to drive you mad with hatred… then you start to explode inside. This isn't ordinary sadness or simple regret. This is where your heart begins to shatter. A point of no return.
And then, the weight of life crashes down on your shoulders. Hatred, guilt, pain, and longing all mixed together. To die… or to survive. But sometimes, neither death nor revenge can set you free. Because some pains are meant to be lived through. Some losses never come back.
December 21, 2023
One morning, on one of those endless, identical days I thought would never change, I woke up. Another ordinary, dull, soulless day… I opened my eyes but didn't move. For about thirty seconds, I just sat there on the bed staring at the floor. No thoughts, no plans… just emptiness. Finally, I took a deep breath and got up.
I washed my face with cold water. Then I looked into the mirror again—this time at the dark circles under my eyes, my pale skin, the reflection that seemed to dislike me. It wasn't my face that was tired—it was my thoughts. I had unknowingly slipped into overthinking mode.
Then suddenly, it hit me. Chemistry exam. It was the next day. I muttered involuntarily,
"I hope the person who invented this exam is turning in their grave. And now I have to deal with this…"
I got dressed, put on my coat, and left the house. It was winter. The sky was still dark; even the sun didn't want to see this ridiculous day. The wind slapped my face like a punch, as if saying "Go back," but I stubbornly kept walking.
I started grumbling to myself, unable to silence the rebellion inside me:
"My ass is freezing here, and I'm still going to school... We seriously need to come to terms with this life, because right now, this is outright unfair. And my headphones are broken. Ugh, what a shitty day…"
After a few pointless classes, I was about to leave school when I heard shouting behind me:
— "Rian! WE'RE GOING TO EAT BURGERS, ARE YOU COMING?!"
— "We're going to the internet cafe too, right?"
— "Yeah, come on!"
— "Okay, I'm coming!" I said, smiling.
Just hearing the word "game" made my eyes light up. That tiredness, that boredom… all vanished behind me. Everything suddenly seemed brighter. I ran toward them as if everything had turned on a light. First, we went into the burger place. It wasn't crowded—three or four tables. When our orders arrived, there was no one else inside. It felt like the whole world had been reserved just for us in that moment.
After a bite each, the conversation started. Then came the infamous sentence:
— "Dude, how did we even fail that boss fight the other day? Totally your fault, Rian..."
And the story began.
We finished the burgers and moved to the internet cafe. As soon as we entered, we all shouted in unison:
— "BRO, OPEN 5 PCs SIDE BY SIDE!!"
The cafe was empty, so there were no sound restrictions. When I sat at the first computer, my fingers automatically started typing. It felt like home.
The game started. In the first round, voices flew through the air:
— "RUN, MAN!! YOU'RE GONNA DIE!!"
— "I'm running, are you blind?!"
— "HEY, SHUT UP, MY HEAD HURTS!!"
— "ARE YOU STUPID, DUDE? YOU'RE THE ONLY ONE MAKING THE ENEMY LOOK LIKE A FLOWER!"
— "DUDE, THAT'S NOT SMOKE, THAT'S BUSH!"
The lines between game and reality blurred. We just laughed. School, exams, the future—none of it was in my head. Only we existed at that moment. Problems belonged only to the characters in the game. We were shouting at each other with laughter.
But then…
Suddenly, one of us stopped and leaned toward the screen, shouting:
— "DUDE?!"
— "WE'RE SCREWED!"
— "What happened, man?"
— "DUDE, WE HAD A CHEMISTRY EXAM TODAY!!"
Time seemed to freeze. We all looked at that invisible camera for a moment. You know, like in movies when the character breaks the fourth wall and looks at the camera. Silence.
Then… panic.
— "IF WE FAIL, WE'LL NEVER COME HERE AGAIN!"
— "I was supposed to take notes, supposedly…"
— "Dude, bye, I'm out, my mom will kill me!"
— "Rian, hurry up, man, you too!"
Within a minute, the table was empty. Really, just a minute. No one was left around. Headphones thrown aside, chairs half-turned. It was as if everyone vanished like ghosts. I was the last one remaining, watching the screen a little more... then I bowed my head and smiled faintly. "That really was a typical high school day," I thought.
I shut down the computer, put on my coat, and started walking home. The cold wind was still hitting my face, but this time I cared less. The childish shouting in my ears still echoed.
When I got home, the air was thick with a nauseating smell.
I froze for a few seconds at the doorframe. A sharp stench mixed with rotting meat, rust, and something spoiled filled my nose. My stomach churned. When I stepped inside, my eyes immediately caught a strange object lying on the floor by the door.
At first, I thought it was a ping pong ball.
I couldn't quite make out what it was; maybe my eyesight had worsened again...
I bent down a little to get a closer look.
The closer I got, the more something about it disturbed me.
It had vein-like twists on its surface, as if it were alive...
"What is this?" I murmured and instinctively touched it with my finger.
Wet...
Like a slimy texture...
As soon as I touched it, the object moved slightly. Then I realized what it was.
An eye.
A real, human eye.
I couldn't scream. My voice was stuck in my throat. My heart felt like it was going to burst out of my chest.
I tried to step back but fell unsteadily to the ground. I quickly got up.
The door was open anyway.
With trembling hands, I pushed the door open further.
And then...
My father's head was at my feet.
His neck was gone. It was as if it had been severed from his body and just left there.
One eye was missing.
The other was still open, staring blankly.
My vision darkened. My knees shook.
But the real hell began from that moment.
I raised my head a little...
My mother's shattered body lay in the living room.
And by her side... my brother.
He had a smile on his face.
As if… he was enjoying it.
Ignoring the blood on his hands, he looked at me.
Our eyes met.
He smiled when he saw me. Just like when he used to smile after accomplishing something as a child.
I froze.
The smell of blood, the intensity of decaying flesh, the lifeless pupils...
My mind shattered then.
I couldn't breathe.
I managed to back out slowly.
My feet tangled.
With trembling hands, I took my phone out of my pocket.
When I tried to touch the screen, my fingers were wet.
I didn't know when my hand got covered in blood.
And... I called the police.
But how could I put it into words?
A family was gone. And the killer was my brother.
911: Emergency services, how can I help you?
...Hello? He-hello?
911: I can hear you, please stay calm. Can you tell me what happened so I can help?
I... I came home, and... please send someone immediately... PLEASE!
911: Okay, I'm sending help right away. Please tell me your address.
(taking a deep breath) ...Erenköy, Number 16, Apartment 3... The building door is open... Please hurry...
911: Understood, teams are on their way. Can you tell me what happened? Is anyone still inside?
I went inside, there was a smell... a terrible smell... Then by the door... there was something... like a ball... but with veins on it... I—I bent down... and... an eye... an eye... a human eye!
911: I understand. Take a deep breath, I'm here. The eye… did it belong to someone? Did you see anything else inside?
My father's... head... was on the floor... right by the door... one eye missing... I just... I... My mother... my mother's body was gone! It was on the floor, torn apart... and my brother... my brother was there!
911: I understand, I'm very sorry. Is your brother still there? Has he harmed you?
Just next to my mother... he was smiling... that smile... please, please hurry... I went outside, I'm in the street now... right in front of the building...
911: You're safe, the teams are on their way. Please don't leave the spot. Did your brother have a weapon or a sharp object in his hand? Do you remember?
His hands were covered in blood... but I don't know if he was holding anything... we just locked eyes for a moment...
911: Okay. You're very brave. You're safe. The police will be there in less than five minutes. Try to stay calm and stay outside. You might be in shock, but I'm here and I won't leave you alone.
(trembling breaths) Okay...
Ongoing conversation: 911 emergency line
"…Sir? Can you hear us? Please keep talking."
I heard a voice from behind. It was like a whisper, but there was a faint excitement hidden in it.
"Did you arrive, bro?"
I froze. The voice echoed in my mind. My throat went dry. I slowly turned around.
There he was. Darian.
I took a few steps back instinctively. I was still holding the phone but didn't know what I was saying.
"He's here—"
Before I could finish, he jumped on me.
The voice on the phone was still speaking:
"Hello? Sir? Are you okay?"
The phone fell to the floor. The screen was still on. The faint voice on the other side was still audible, but the only thing echoing in my ears was Darian's voice.
He leaned close to my face. He was watching the fear in my eyes. There was a fake smile at the corner of his lips. The decay beneath that smile made me sick.
"Why did you call the police, bro?"
His voice was calm. Even… hurt.
"I did everything for you... I saved you. Because of me, you're alive. I... How good I am, right? How great a brother you have. But what do you do? You call the police?"
At that moment, what flowed through my veins didn't feel like blood. It felt like poison.
Anger, fear, and disgust rose inside me all at once. The words stuck in my throat, but then they exploded:
"WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT, DARIAN?! YOU KILLED OUR FAMILY! AND YOU'RE SAYING IT WAS FOR MY GOOD? ARE YOU CRAZY?!"
I couldn't say more. I ran out of breath. My chest tightened.
I started crying.
Darian was still leaning over me. He looked surprised. Like he really didn't understand.
"Bro... why are you like this?"
He was saying it softly now.
"I told you, I did it for you! CAN'T YOU UNDERSTAND? EVERYTHING WAS FOR YOU! TO SAVE YOU! Why do you always see me as the bad guy?"
He paused for a moment. His eyes darkened.
People had gathered around us. But no one came closer.
No one helped.
The faint smile on Darian's lips suddenly disappeared. It was replaced by a dull, frowning expression.
His anger was like a child staring at a broken toy.
"You're just like them, bro," he whispered.
"You don't understand me anymore either."
And at that moment, I didn't know what he would do. Either he would hurt me... or himself.
Darian tilted his head. For a moment, a hint of sadness appeared in his eyes, then the dark madness returned. A strange smile formed on his face, which then turned into a scowl, burning quietly with rage.
He reached into his pocket...