The news of Dungeon-Dive Dave's impending visit sent FaeLina into a research frenzy. For hours, she pulled up archives from the ScryNet, reading his past reviews aloud to me in a voice of rising horror.
"Listen to this one, Mochi!" she said, her voice trembling. "His review of the 'Sunken Tombs of Ag'thor' says, 'The atmospheric dread was high, but the spectral chains had a rather monotonous rattling pattern. A missed opportunity for a more dynamic soundscape. Three stars.' THREE STARS! For monotonous rattling!"
She scrolled to another. "And of the 'Crimson Fortress of Pain' he wrote, 'The lava moat was visually impressive, but lacked a proper handrail for safe viewing. A clear safety hazard. Two stars.'"
This man sounds exhausting, I thought to myself. He is the philosophical opposite of a nap.
"He finds fault in everything!" FaeLina concluded, her wings drooping in despair. "He's going to hate us!"
Right on schedule, a new alert chimed. It wasn't hostile or friendly; it just felt... judgmental.
+--------------------------------------+
| VISITOR ALERT! |
|--------------------------------------|
| TYPE: Dungeon Influencer (1) |
| DISTANCE: At Entrance |
| THREAT: Critical (To our reputation)|
+--------------------------------------+
A man who could only be Dungeon-Dive Dave strode into my dungeon. He was handsome and charismatic, with perfectly styled hair and impractical but very fashionable leather armor. He held a glowing Scry-Crystal on a long, ornate wand, already broadcasting his every word to the world.
"Hey hey hey, Dave's Divers, it's your boy Dungeon-Dive Dave, coming at you LIVE from the entrance of the so-called 'Comfy Corner'!" he announced to his crystal. "They say it's a dungeon, but I'm not seeing a single skull. A bold, minimalist choice. Let's see if it pays off. Let's dive in!"
He began his tour, critiquing everything with a professional's eye.
Sir Crumplebuns marched forward to give his grand welcome. Dave watched him, nodding thoughtfully. "And here we have the welcoming committee, a plush golem. The craftsmanship is decent, but the voice projection is a bit overly dramatic. The dialogue could use a rewrite. It's a solid C-tier golem, Divers."
He then proceeded to the Tea Nook, where Sloosh offered him a cup. He took a delicate sip.
"Hmm, the chamomile is fresh, with a pleasant hint of mint," he narrated. "But the presentation is a bit lacking. The slime waiter is novel, but the texture is... gooey. It's a passing grade, but it's not a five-star brew."
FaeLina was having a silent, psychic breakdown in the corner.
He descended to the Hibernation Hollows and was, for a moment, impressed. "Ooh, a lovely ambient effect, viewers. The starlight ceiling is very calming." He paused, looking closer. "However, the star patterns are not astronomically correct for this region's winter sky. A small detail, but details are what separate the good dungeons from the great ones."
It was hopeless. He was determined to find fault. FaeLina was in utter despair.
Dave sat on a cushion in the main chamber to record his "mid-dungeon thoughts" for his viewers. As he was talking, a Pillow Fiend, following its core programming, gently nudged his back to provide better support.
"Whoa, what's this?" he said, surprised. He poked the Pillow Fiend. It wiggled. He cautiously leaned back against it. The pillow magically adjusted its own fluffiness to perfectly cradle his back. He fell silent.
For the first time since he entered, he wasn't performing. The dungeon's Aura of Sanctuary began to work on him, seeping past his critical defenses. He, a man who was always "on" for his stream, always judging, suddenly felt the relentless tension in his shoulders begin to fade.
His viewers watched, confused, as their favorite critic just sat there quietly, a strange expression on his face. He looked down at the critical notes he'd been taking, then at the peaceful, quiet dungeon around him.
"You know, Divers..." he said slowly, his voice different, softer. "I spend all my time... all of it... looking for flaws. It's my job. And it is... so, so exhausting."
He looked over at an empty napping alcove on the second floor, a thoughtful expression on his face.
"I think," he announced to his thousands of stunned viewers, "I'm going to test the dungeon's primary feature."
He stood up, walked down the stairs, and lay down in the alcove, pulling two Pillow Fiends over himself like a blanket.
The chapter of Dungeon-Dive Dave's critical review ended with thousands of people on the ScryNet watching their hero fall into a deep, peaceful, and completely uncritical sleep.