Nefretiri
I must be dreaming
This is too good. No one kisses like this.
Ivan knows what I like without me telling him, and there's no awkwardness. Every time I kissed Ricky, it's worse than teenagers on a first date.
Nothing like this. It's like a movie.
So, what if it's not real?
Sadly, it's not unthinkable.
Who wouldn't conjure up a perfect knight to come and save them?
I live in a nightmare. Ricky says I'm losing it, and he could be right.
What if I'm lying in bed still dreaming, and none of this is real? Am I escaping from reality because I can't take it anymore?
"What's wrong?" Ivan noticed'm not into the kiss anymore, his voice tinged with concern.
"Nothing."
I don't want to wake up.
The more I think about it. The more sense it makes.
No one would rescue you from a store, carry you like a princess, and adopt your baby. They wouldn't swear to fight a war in your name because they sense a connection. People don't marry assassins, and they don't have werewolves and dragons mounted on their walls.
"You're lying," Ivan sat up, forcing me to straddle his thighs. "What is it? Tell me."
"I don't want to."
"Why?"
"Because if I do, then you'll disappear..." My throat tightened, and I started holding my breath. "This is a dream. I'll wake up and be on the couch. The alarm will go off, and... All of this isn't real."
"Hey," my cheek instantly warmed as Ivan rested his palm against it. I half expected him to vanish, but he's solid and there. "I'm here. It's real, and neither of us will wake up alone."
"How did you...?" I jumped as Ivan made a sound in his chest, a mournful, rumbling whine that's not human.
"You're not there anymore. It's after 2 a.m., and we're sitting in a park. Today really happened. I found you and our pup, we ate pizza and burgers, we spent at least an hour in your soon-to-be ex's bed to heal you, we made out in the basement, and you scared the shit out of some server at a drive-thru." He said it as if he's trying to convince himself. Is he scared, too? "So, don't worry. You won't wake up and find out this was a dream. It feels like one, but it's real. But if you want, I'll pinch you if you do the same for me."
His emotions swallowed me as if they were mine, and I shied away from their intensity.
I've never considered myself an empath. Sometimes, I became more sensitive to others' emotions when I used magic, but nothing like this. Ivan's sadness was consuming, overwhelming my own feelings.
The lines between us blurred, and my identity wasn't mine for a split second.
I can't handle that, pushing the foreign emotions away. Thankfully, he doesn't force it, and I have space to breathe.
'This is too much.'
"Ivan?" I had to get some more distance between us. I couldn't think straight. "Why... were you in Farmington?"
That's a safe question, and I can move away without being obvious.
"One of our cars broke down outside the exit," his body relaxed, even as I slid onto the bench. Is he uncomfortable with how intense our feelings were, too? "It's a simple repair, but the part was a pain to find. It'll only take a few hours to install once it gets here."
"That makes sense..." Farmington was a beautiful place, but there were larger cities in New Mexico where you could stop on the way to California.
"We're renting a house... Taylor insisted we needed to get groceries even though it's more likely we'd just order food..." Ivan's face contorted until he looked like he was in pain. "I guess I'll have to buy her a present to thank her for being obnoxious. Like she needs a reward... But if she hadn't. I wouldn't have found you."
"It doesn't sound like you two get along." What would that be like? I'm an only child, but I always wanted a sibling.
"Most of the time, we get along. I love my little sister, but she's a brat. To her, I'm her brother first, Alpha second. But... this week, we've been butting heads."
"Why?"
"We're not going to California for fun. It's a conference my friend Luke hosts every year. He invites packs from the West Coast for a few weeks. It gives everyone a chance to do business and deal with any conflicts. It works and helps a lot of the smaller packs form some connections. He finishes it all off with a gigantic ball. Invites some important supernaturals who do business with him. Taylor wanted to come... I didn't want her to."
"Why not?" Taylor's new to me, so I can't judge her, but from what I saw, she's more diplomatic than Ivan, and I don't see a reason for her not to go.
"She lost her pup earlier this year..." Ivan's entire body shuddered as he looked away. This wasn't easy for him to talk about. "I... didn't think she was ready to return to doing things for the pack, but she was determined to go. Steven's my second in command. He's got to be there. As his mate, she's expected to join him. I tried to convince her to stay home. She refused. Doesn't want to let everyone down."
My heart broke for the-wolf.
She'd shown us such kindness, fawning on Penelope and caring about both of us.
It never occurred to me she was coping with the loss of her own child. It looked like Ivan wasn't over it, which made me think about everyone's reaction to my daughter.
Was it genuine? Or were they using her as a surrogate for the child that was gone?
'That's cruel.'
"She... None of us have been okay. Not for a while. Her coming with us was the first argument we'd had in months. When we left, we got into it. We both said things we regret."
"Oh," Ivan almost didn't finish the sentence, the guilt lacing each word, and it bothered me. "What did you fight about?"
"My performance as an Alpha for the past year." That's an ominous answer, and the defeat in his voice raised my alarm. "Things have been... complicated. Taylor doesn't have any official power in the pack, but Steven's my Beta, so she's aware of what goes on. And I give her a lot more leeway than I should."
"I noticed that." I thought back to the store. How she'd teased him about being tight with money and the attitude she'd given him. But I also thought about what she'd said later in the parking lot. Taylor loved and respected her brother. "But... I didn't see anything worth that level of fighting."
"That's because we stopped after you crashed into the truck," the corners of his lips turned up, but it was tight. I wish there were more light because I'm not sure if he's smiling or grimacing. "Taylor insisted I needed to come with her, and I wanted to stay at the house. She wanted to go to every store we passed. Taylor... doesn't trust me on my own."
That alarm went off again, but I waited, hoping he'd say more.
He didn't.
"Why wouldn't she want you to be alone?" It wasn't about curiosity anymore. I Neede the truth. A nervous weight grew in the pit of my stomach, making all the food I'd eaten churn.
"Nefra..." He released my now clammy hand and got up. It reminded me of how I'd acted earlier. Ivan was hiding something. "This is... heavy. Are you sure you're okay with that?"
"I won't have the answer until you tell me."
I could push, but that's not my style.
Ivan wanted to share more, but he seemed reluctant. Whatever he was holding onto weighed him down, but telling me was as terrifying as admitting to being with an assassin.
I considered all the options, but the number ran too high. The extremes grew with Ivan being a werewolf.
"Right..."
"Can't be worse than being married to an assassin specializing in supernatural creatures..." I hated the dread in his voice. He's acting as if he's not allowed to express his emotions, not letting me see his fears. When it was me, he supported me and stayed patient. Shouldn't I give him the same support?
"It... might be worse." Sitting back down, Ivan fixated on the ground. I had nothing to say. Worse? "Do you want to stay here? Or go somewhere else? The house is enormous, and... we'll have plenty of places to talk privately."
"No! We can stay here!" It was dark, and having a heart-to-heart was awkward, but I wasn't ready to go anywhere with other people. "I'm okay if you are."
"Okay... let me clean up," he was stalling, but hadn't I done the same? "I'll tell you everything. I promise."
He moved fast, but that's still too long. Now I had time to myself. That meant I could panic about everything.
Ivan didn't need the light on his phone, so he left it with me.
I stared at the screen, seeing text messages from Taylor and other names I didn't recognize. My curiosity got the better of me, and I couldn't resist looking at his phone. Taylor sent photos of Penelope with a message that everything was alright.
She was wearing a new outfit with a baby hat that looked like she had little ears.
The only time Pen-Pen looked peaceful was when she was in my arms, so I was a little jealous that someone else managed it.
The caption under the photo read—Penelope is enjoying herself. Take your time.
A new text appeared, and I read the name without thinking about it, Mom.
That had me setting it down before I could read the message. My stomach tightened and churned, as if I were doing something wrong. Technically, I was, but it's not as if I was looking at any other messages or the rest of his stuff.
Ricky would've killed me for picking his phone up, let alone going through it.
"What did Taylor say?" Ivan came back, picking up the phone. "Did you see the pic?"
"Yeah..." I'm jittery, my heart racing. He knew I was looking at it. What if he thought I was snooping? "She really got her new clothes."
"Yeah, she got you some stuff too..." He started going through messages, sighing in frustration. "Sorry, my mother wants me to call. Give me a second."
"Sure..."
I expected him to walk away, but he sat down, motioning me to sit with him.
This was unfamiliar territory, and I didn't want to intrude. However, Ivan wrapped his arm around my waist, waiting for someone to pick up.
Did he want me to talk to her? I hoped not.
"Hey, Mom," Ivan spoke as someone picked up, sounding more casual than I felt.
"Hey baby," I heard her voice, and something inside me hurt. When did I last speak to my mom? What had we talked about? She used to call me Cachorra—a puppy in Spanish. "I know it's late. I just wanted to check in."
"We're all fine. We'll be here for a couple of days. AJ says it won't take too long to fix the engine..." He sounded so at ease, like nothing had changed for him. Would he tell her about me?
"Ivan... is everything okay? Earlier... Well, some of the pack are asking us about it. We felt something."
"Really?"
"Yes. Did something happen?"
"Yeah, something happened... Don't worry. It's a good thing," my heart stopped as I licked my lips. He was going to tell her, and more than likely, he'd make me talk to her. Fuck, this was too much. "But I won't say anything yet. I... need more time."
"Ivan..."
"Mom. Trust me, okay? Don't tell anyone anything. If they ask, let them know you've spoken to me, and I'll let everyone know when I'm ready. For now... no one needs to worry."
"But..." She sounded apprehensive, that same tone Taylor had when we spoke. "Baby... have you taken your anxiety meds?"
"Mom... I'm okay. I swear. But I need to go."
She didn't answer, and I knew she didn't want to end the conversation.
'He's on anxiety meds?' I can't believe the voices in my head have gone quiet. Wasn't this a perfect argument moment? Maybe all this time, it's always been me arguing with myself.
Rubbing my finger was a new habit I was developing, and I thought of Wanda,
Ricky's mother. No one dared call her Mom. You couldn't be relaxed with her.
Despite only being in her forties, she acted like a Victorian noble. Everything she did made me feel as if I wasn't good enough.
Even now, her disappointment made me want to call and apologize.
"Goodnight, Mom... I love you." Ivan chuckled as his mom reminded him that she loved him and to have sweet dreams. It was day and night. "Sorry about that. She... The pack sensed you."
"How?"
"I'm tied to the pack, and when I met you, it rippled through to them. They know something's changed, but they don't know what." He put his phone on the table and brushed back my hair. His mood had shifted, becoming more relaxed. "I don't want to announce the news yet. They'd be here by morning if I had. I don't think that'd work for us."
"No, I really wouldn't."
My brain could barely handle this, let alone any more werewolves.
"You don't need to worry. They won't know until we're ready to tell them. Until then, it's just us." He made it sound so simple, but I knew it wasn't. His mom sounded so worried, and the comment about anxiety medication stuck with me. What was Ivan unwilling to share?
"Could you... get those jelly beans?" Now, I was the one stalling. Honestly, I needed them. The call shot my nerves, and having the candy would help.
"Sure."
I wasn't doing a good job of hiding my emotions right now, but neither was he. So, when he left, I found myself rubbing my arms and legs as if I were cold.
What was I doing? Why was I treating everything as if it were normal when I knew it wasn't?
'Damn you, Ricky.' I was a paranoid mess because of everything he'd done. Trust was hard for me, especially when I couldn't trust myself.
My finger stopped hurting after Ivan caressed it, but the phantom pain echoed as I rubbed it.
This ring was the cheap one Ricky gave me to replace the family heirloom his mother said I had to earn. She'd said I could have it back when the baby was born. Was that going to happen tomorrow?
Was that why they were coming?
"Ricky...? I don't want you or your family anymore." I whispered, hating how slimy I felt. "I reject everything you did to me."
"What?!" Ivan returned, gasping for air. He grabbed me, pulling me to my feet. His hands trembling, with wide-eyed madness in his eyes. "What did you say?!"