Nefretiri
"I'm... ready." I had a hard time deciding. Something in Ivan's voice kept triggering that alarm. Whatever he's about to tell me, it's going to hurt. "You have the highlight reels about me. Whatever you've gone through, I... If you're still okay sharing."
Maybe I'm too kind.
I should've played an eye for an eye, but I didn't.
I needed to tell someone about Ricky. Ivan pushed, but everything was already at the surface.
This is a separate situation.
Ivan might not be ready to share his life, but we're at a point where we have no choice. If he wanted me to go with him—which I hadn't decided on yet—I needed to understand what I'm walking into.
I won't go into the fire. Not after escaping the frying pan.
"Okay..." Ivan tried looking unfazed, but his body sold him out. "At first, everything pissed me off. Didn't matter why; I got angry. Everyone complained I was snapping at them, and that made things worse. Then, I started getting headaches, which made me more irritable."
"Depression."
"How'd you know?" Ivan sounded surprised, which gave me a flutter of pleasure. I enjoyed taking him by surprise.
"When you hear that you're crazy every day, you wonder if everyone's right. I did a lot of research."
"Huh... Is that all you researched?" Was he flirting? I expected to get uncomfortable, but inappropriate worked for the situation.
"Maybe..." Giving him a little nudge, I urged him to continue. He didn't like that, but he didn't argue either.
"After a month, I stopped wanting to eat. I kept using the excuse that my stomach was hurting, but everyone kept telling me to see our doctor. They couldn't find anything wrong. Then, I lost interest in everything. Nothing caught my interest, not even hockey. Everyone noticed, but we all chalked it up to the stress of running a pack. It's a lot to put on someone in their twenties."
It seemed like a lot.
Why choose someone who's younger but lacks the experience?
I'm so unprepared for the world. It didn't matter that I got married at eighteen and had a baby. Everything was too big.
So, running a pack sounded like an impossible task. No wonder Ivan started suffering from depression.
"I couldn't shake it, and I tried. Werewolves don't do therapy, so everyone finds ways of dealing with their problems. There isn't a meditation I haven't tried. I ran on my own, changed my diet, tried hobbies, and set up a new routine that was supposed to help, but nothing did. One day, I was a shell of myself and didn't bother getting out of bed."
"Everyone wants you to be normal..." That was something I understood too well. "You're drowning, but you're not allowed to scream or ask for help. They tell you they're there for you, but they brush you off when you try to share your feelings and how lost you are. You can't be that bad, or you'd be worse off. No one believes you because you learned how to hide it."
"Yeah..." I didn't have to tell him I'd faced the same thing. There's a shared understanding when you drown in your own head. "I hate that you get it..."
"I hate that no one else did." Our circles were different, but they led to the same problem. It meant we were alone, facing something we couldn't deal with. "When it happened to me, I stopped wanting to talk to people."
"I wish that's all I did," sighing, Ivan rested his chin on my head, his fingers combing my hair. "I started drinking. Just to do something. Our metabolism is higher than humans, so getting drunk takes a lot more. I took it as a personal challenge... That was one of many mistakes."
"How long did that last?" The unease grew, and I saw where this was leading us. I didn't do those things. My escape was getting lost in nothing or sleeping. When it got worse, I was busy trying to run away.
"Not long enough. I have a group of friends who do nothing but party. That's all I did in high school. So, within two months, I was bored. Three? I couldn't stand the smell anymore."
"You don't strike me as the party guy..." I thought of what he said earlier. "Didn't you say you fell asleep?"
"And I did. All the time. The guys would be dancing and partying. I'd be in a corner taking a nap." His laugh sounded so bitter. What made him hate himself so much? "It got old fast. So, I got into fighting."
"Fighting?"
"It happened at a bar. Finally felt something. Pain. Not my smartest moment, but I was too relieved to worry. So, I looked for them. At the end of the night, it's easy. People are drunk and they're easy to piss off. Too bad it didn't last long. Always had to hold back. Took the fun out of it."
"So, you escalated?" I was guessing, but it was the obvious answer.
"Yep. Got into some amateur stuff. I made a few bucks. Still had the same problem. There are laws against fame. You don't do it. So, I had to stop when they wanted me to take on proper fights."
"Why didn't you fight other wolves?" I won't pretend I don't watch the occasional MMA fight.
"I... have a reputation. Most don't want to fight me," I noticed how Ivan's body stayed tense. Something worse waited for me, and I had this terrible suspicion of what it might be. "As you can imagine. I lost interest quick."
"And moved onto...?"
He said nothing, and my heart stopped.
"That bad, huh?" No matter how much I tried to sound light and unaffected, I couldn't. "Ivan... if you don't want to tell me. I'll understand..."
"I don't want to tell you..." he cut in, setting me on the table. He slid down to the bench, so he was below me. "But I have to. You deserve to see who I am. I'm not proud of what I've done, Nefretiri. I hate myself for it because I should've been better, and I wasn't. You said I can't blame myself for what happened to you, but it is my fault, and it's because of this. Pain was something I wanted until it changed. It wasn't physical anymore. It was in my head and heart, and I couldn't take it. Every day it got worse. I'd wake up crying or screaming, and I couldn't understand why. Today, I realized it's because of that asshole. You were showing me what he was doing to you, and I was too weak to do more than drown myself."
"You can't-" I started, but he growled, silencing me.
"I did!" he rose, turning to face me; a shiver of doubt ran through me. For the first time, I questioned whether I'd be okay with him. "It was so unbearable that I went to a dealer and begged them for something to numb the pain. I can't use human drugs. Most of them will kill us. I wanted to take the edge off. That's all. But the pain got worse, and I needed more."
What do you say to that?
Part of me was waiting for this, and that's terrifying.
Not because I could've left an abusive relationship for an addict, but because my brain started going through possibilities.
I might not be the smartest woman in the world, but I'm familiar with potions, and I can imagine what he was taking. Things that can get a witch or vampire high can destroy them. What if werewolves were the same?
What if Ivan had hurt himself to the point of no return?
Why should I care?
"Are you still using?" I was on my feet, my thoughts in an orderly line. "Tell me you kept some of it! I need to see it!"
"No, I got rid of it all..." I took him off guard. He wasn't expecting that.
"You could've killed yourself," I didn't mean to scold him, but it was terrifying. Potions are dangerous because you don't need to practice magic to make them, but if you make one wrong move, everything can go wrong.
"I know..." I moved closer, and he moved back. It's so odd to be in this position.
"Do you still need it?" What was I doing?
"What are you talking about?" he stopped, every muscle stiffening in the dark, but not from fear.
"Do you still need it? You said you're clean, but are you still in pain?" I'm crazy, but I wasn't thinking like a victim or even a woman. Right now, I'm the sorceress. "If you still need it, I can make it. I can make sure nothing goes wrong. Potions are my specialty."
"Nefra..." What was that tone? It was soft and awed. It was also vulnerable. "You don't need to worry. I'll never touch it again. My pain... it stopped today."
That's what he'd meant, and I finally understood.
His pain was because of me. Every time Ricky hurt me, Ivan suffered through it too. He must've lost his mind.
It was unbearable, but I knew what was happening. Ivan experienced the echoes without knowing it. No wonder he took that dark road.
"I'm sorry..." What else did I say? This is my fault.
"No, baby girl," he didn't hesitate to wrap his arms around me, sensing where my thoughts went. "This was never on you. It's his fault. It's mine. I ran from it instead of trying to figure out what was wrong. All you did was survive. The pain? Compared to what you endured? Please. For my sanity... don't blame yourself. I made those decisions."
I wanted to argue, but that wouldn't help either of us.
"So, you're clean?" I couldn't believe it. The thing about potions is that they're addictive, but getting off them is much cleaner than human drugs. "At least it doesn't sound like you were taking crystals. That... is raw magic. Getting off those is almost impossible."
"Nefra..."
"Oh, don't tell me you did that!" My blood pressure rose again. Was that why he seemed so powerful? Was he absorbing raw magic through crystals to get high? You wouldn't think that would work, but it does, and it's deadly.
"I didn't know you could do crystals. That's a thing?" I would've laughed, but I heard the guilt. There was more. "The drugs... When I was high, I would go off on my own and... sometimes I'd wake up in other cities..."
"Okay..."
'Please don't say what I think you'll say.'
"I started gambling... Even when I wasn't high, it was a risk and... I stopped caring about anything."
"That's complicated…" Ivan was checking off the list of addictions one by one. Was I ready to be with someone I'd just met who confessed he was a walking red flag? Drugs, gambling, drinking? That's asking so much of someone to help clean up.
"And I..."
He didn't have to say it.
I'd dreaded hearing it, and I can see how stupid it is to care. I shouldn't, but I do. There's nothing more hypocritical, and it's morbidly funny.
How can I judge a man I've just met for having sex with other women?
"Women..." The word tasted sour on my tongue, and I forced myself to move away from him. "You were with a lot of women."
"It didn't..." he had the grace to stop himself before he said it meant nothing. I'm glad, but it doesn't make it better.
"It's fine," I lied, sitting down on the bench. "I don't care. You're a good-looking guy, you're single, and I've already seen how women look at you. You could have your pick of women, and I doubt most would say no."
"Nefra, please don't..." He came closer, and I couldn't move fast enough. It was stupid. The anger surged through me with venomous jealousy, but I recognized I had no right to those emotions. He didn't cheat on me, but it felt like he did!
"Ivan, really... it's not a big deal. Who am I to judge you?" My body shook with cold, and my eyes burned. No! I wouldn't do this! "I mean, I'm a mom. That didn't happen with IVF."
I said it to hurt him, and I felt awful the second it came out of my mouth.
'Oh, wait until he finds out how pathetic you are in bed...' The laughter in my head was welcome. It wasn't as strong as before, but its words were sharper and hurt much more. 'What was it, Ricky said? Oh yes. You'd be warmer if you were dead? Wasn't that what he said? Now, your werewolf is no better. One night with you, he'll ship you back to Ricky with a return to sender sticker on you.'
"I know that-"
"No! You don't!" The anger came from the open wounds in my heart, and I let them go. "I don't care! I don't fucking care! We're not together. You're free to fuck whoever you want. It's fine!"
"It's not!" he yelled, echoing across the night. Did anyone hear us? "Nefra, don't do that. Don't shut me out! Hate me, yell at me, threaten me, but don't do this! I fucked up. Even when I was doing it, I realized how wrong I was. You're right. We didn't know each other. I was with them because I wanted you. That's a pathetic excuse, and I'm sorry. I'm sorry because I can't go back and change what I did. You have no idea how badly I want to turn back time. I hate myself because I know what you don't. If our bond is this strong, you felt when I was with someone else. He isn't the only one who caused you pain. I did, too. A betrayed mate experiences agonizing pain when their mate is fucking someone else. I can't stop the thought of you suffering because I'm a selfish bastard."
"You don't have to feel bad about that!" I didn't want to talk anymore, but my head refused to let me off the hook. What if he's like Ricky? What if he'd do worse? "You don't have to worry. I didn't feel any pain."
'Liar...' my thoughts sang. 'How often did you lie there, wondering why you were in so much pain? You hear Ricky with one of them, and you cried. What if it wasn't him you were crying for?'
"Nefra!" he grabbed me, and I somehow got away.
"I... can't..." Tears ran down my face as I moved away from the picnic table and the dim light of the phone.
He didn't follow me, and the uncertainty swallowed me whole.
I needed the space, but I also wanted him to hold me and say all the right things. That's unfair to put on us.
This was so messed up.
Would this work? The other women aren't the problem. It's how heavy this is.
We're both past the brink, and coping has limits.
'Is running all you're good at?'
'Stop!' I covered my face, the salt of my tears burning my lips. Why am I crying over a guy I just met? 'Please, just stop!'
'Nope...' Of course not. 'Are you afraid of what he's done? Or what he'll do? What do you think he's afraid of? He thinks you're angry over what's in his past. The things he can't change, but that's not what breaks you.'
No, it wasn't.
"No, I won't live like that!" I slammed into Ivan on my way back. He'd thrown his shirt on and was coming after me, and I started talking before he had a chance. "I don't want to be someone's pet or servant. Or watch the person I'm with bring women home and force me to lie and say I'm their sister. I don't want pity or, worse, judgment as if I'm pathetic for living with my brother. That's humiliating enough! The last thing I want to worry about is you getting tired of me because I'm useless in bed and finding someone else. I don't care what you did, but I care what you could do. If that happened, it wouldn't be because you didn't know. It'd be because you don't care... and I can't do that. Not again!"
"I will never do that," Ivan murmured, his hand tracing my cheek before wiping away the tears. Can he see them in the dark? "You are it for me. My loyalty is to you."
He slipped something over my head, and it landed against my chest with a light clang.
I touched the warm metal around my neck, leaving me frozen when I realized what it was.
"Ivan... you can't give me these," I whispered, trying to remove his dog tags.