Nefretiri
"I can't take these." Again, I tried pulling them off, but Ivan refused to let me go, so we ended up in the grass.
"I can give them to whoever I want," he pulled me onto his lap, his arms coiled around me as if he's worried I'll turn into air. "I'll wait forever if I have to, for you to be ready to be mine, but until then, these are my promises to you. Everyone will see that I'm yours."
"But-"
"Nefra. I screwed up, but I don't want anyone else. Seeing you sealed everything for me. I can't change what I've done, but you will never have to worry about my loyalty. So, hate me for my past, but don't doubt me for our future."
"Ivan, I don't hate you..." The tags were heavy, as if they held everything Ivan was, and he trusted me with them. "I'm afraid of you. Trust isn't something I remember how to do. Ricky said that he loved me. He said I was the only woman he'd want... but I wasn't. Everything was my fault, and it didn't matter how much I tried; it wasn't enough. I can't relive that. You can promise me the world, but it doesn't make it true."
"You're right..." My words hurt him. I hated them, too, because it's a lie. I want to trust him, and I think I can. "And I'll do everything to prove my worth to you. Nefra, I don't expect you to crawl into my bed because we're mates, but if you accept me, and we have sex, I can promise you there won't be any complaints on either end."
Goosebumps prickled my skin at his words.
I can't see his face, but I imagined the intensity in his eyes. Ice around my emotions melted, but not enough to stop the fear.
It all sounded so right, and emotions were already stirring. I wanted him. I wanted to do everything I'd learned and have him want me more for it.
That didn't change my track record.
"The longest Ricky could go with me was fifteen minutes." Why am I telling him this? It was humiliating, but I needed him to understand. "He never cared if I was enjoying it, but I didn't complain because he'd get so insecure. Over three years, I came twice. That's with me doing the work. You're supposed to feel something, and I didn't."
"Nefra..." Ivan's fingers touched my chin, and he turned my head so we're facing each other. His breath touched my skin, and the tip of his nose brushed against mine. The action was so gentle. A contrast to his anger. "First off. If he couldn't get you off, then that's on him. Second? Fifteen minutes? That's not even foreplay. Yes, you're supposed to enjoy it. You're supposed to be so delirious you can't think straight, and I can confidently and arrogantly assure you I'll deliver that for you."
Words aren't supposed to do things to you, are they?
I tried to seem composed, but failed.
My body squirmed, trying to get more friction.
I don't know if it was what he said or how, but I'm succumbing to his will.
Ricky made me run, and Ivan made me want to stay. It's tempting, and I wanted to say yes without fear.
How can a man assure you he'd wait a lifetime for you and still turn you into a puddle of goo?
"You're very sure of yourself, Alpha," I whispered, incapable of expressing anything else. "And you don't seem bothered that I've warned you I'm no good."
"I'm not taking the idiotic reviews of someone not worthy of you." This man was dangerous. When he wanted to, he's a master at making his words sound like silk and honey, and I wanted to submit and do whatever I needed to bask in that power. "You're much more than he realized, and you had no reason to give him any energy."
"And what if I never want it?" That was quickly becoming less likely, but I want his answer.
"Then we won't." He said it so matter-of-factly, as if it really didn't bother him.
"Just like that? You'd... not want it again?" That can't be true.
"Just like that. If you don't want it, I won't either."
"That makes no sense." I couldn't imagine a man doing that for me.
"It does if you understand werewolves. If you told me you never wanted to sleep with me, my wolf would cut all that off."
"That doesn't seem fair..." I didn't like that. Wasn't that punishing one person for the sake of the other?
"It'd only happen if you really didn't want it, but that would've happened when I was younger. Mates complement each other in every way. Both of us would be ace if you were sex-repulsed. If you've gone through things that make you not want it, my wolf makes sure I won't suffer while we deal with it."
"Useful." That's easier, but the situation's still awkward. "I'm not sure how I feel about it. I'm... broken."
"That's okay." It's strange how calm he is now, but it's not a switch. Ivan adjusted to what we needed, making it easier for both of us to communicate. Was I doing the same? "I'm broken, too. We'll figure it out. I'm glad you don't hate me."
"But I don't trust you," I didn't mean it as a jab, just a fact. It was bitter, and it opened the door to another truth. "You shouldn't trust me either. You should take these back."
"No. They'll stay with you. I do trust you, and I get you can't. Between you and me, I don't trust myself yet. I'm healing from all the bullshit I did, and I know you need to heal from everything, but I'm here, and I'm not going anywhere."
"Why did you stop?" The anger and jealousy were still there, but it was a manageable burn instead of an inferno.
"The last time I lost control, I woke up in Salt Lake, had no clue how I got there, or what I'd done the night before. I realized I didn't want to be this thing anymore." I stayed silent, finding it ironic that Ivan had discovered his clarity in the last city I'd run away from. "So, I went home... asked for help. Actually, I begged. No one knows what I did except my family. Before that, just Steven and Vince. They covered everything, cleaned up the messes, and kept me alive. I owe them everything, but they didn't know how to help me come back from that darkness."
The mood had changed again, becoming somber but not uncomfortable.
"I started going to meetings, but they didn't work for me. It helped confront the addiction but not the source of the problem. I saw the best werewolf doctor in the country; he couldn't tell me what was wrong. He chalked it up to the injuries from Afghanistan. I tried healers, but their magic did nothing. I have a human therapist, and she said I had all the signs of grief, that I was suffering a significant loss. The problem was that I didn't understand that. I worked through other issues, but I couldn't get rid of the pain. My mom took me to this witch she knows in Denver. She took one look at me and said she couldn't cure me. Said my salvation was by bringing my mate back from the dead. I had no idea what she meant. How can you lose someone you've never had? But now I get it."
"What did she mean?" Witches and sorcerers are different. People assume we're the same thing, but we approach magic from different perspectives. We can learn each other's craft, but it doesn't come as easily.
"Maybe she sensed our bond. It's stronger than others... When I found you, I felt sane again. I'm not... like I was before, maybe neither of us will be, but I don't have the phantom pains, my head's clearer, and I... want to be again. Does that make sense?"
"It does," I understood what he meant. When Ivan was close, the voices weren't so loud.
"Nefra, I won't promise we won't have problems. Everyone does, but I swear it will never be because I want someone else. I'll piss you off. I'm good at it, and sometimes I don't realize I've done it. We're going to disagree and fight. You're as stubborn and opinionated as I am, I can tell. But I will never, ever hurt you... unless we're training or... you're in labor. Then I can't help that..."
"Wait. You... want children... with me?" That took me off guard. It surprised me more than the training.
"Yeah. Penelope would like a little brother or sister someday. Not for a while, though."
I thought about everything we'd discussed, letting the silence blanket me.
It wasn't tense anymore.
This is soothing. Nothing like the chaos from before. It's shocking no one came to see who was yelling.
Will it always be this crazy? Is that what I wanted?
'He cares,' that was something I had to wrap my head around. 'I care.'
"How... do I reject Ricky?" I wasn't sure of everything, but I'll admit that I trust Ivan enough to let him help me with this. "I'd... like to cut ties with him in every way I can."
"Of course..." Ivan grinned. I knew because his fangs had a slight glow to them. The magic of his wolf was easy to see, but it didn't scare me like before. "You say I, your full legal name, reject his full legal name, as my whatever you want to put there."
"That's it?" It couldn't be that simple.
"Focus your energy. Make sure it's what you want," he readjusted us, so I straddled his legs. He's had me nearly naked, and yet this is more intimate. "When we do it, it's got to be face to face, but he's not your soulmate."
"I, Nefretiri Diana Jordans, reject Richard Jushion North as my husband, partner, and... anything. I reject you as my mate."
The last part came from nowhere, but I don't regret saying it.
The pull of magic thundered inside me until my atoms broke apart, pulling me away.
My body ached, causing me to collapse on Ivan, and he clung to me as the pain grew. All my muscles turned into paper straws, my bones hurt as if it were freezing, and my stomach lurched. I thought I was going to throw up, but I kept my food down.
The only part of me that stayed unharmed was my heart. A sign I didn't love Ricky.
'What if I never did?'
"Are you okay?" Ivan asked, worried, running his hands over my body and checking me over.
"Yeah..." A tremor ran through me, but I held it together. The magic wasn't like anything I'd experienced before, but I'm sure Ricky felt it, too. "I think... he's about to find out I'm gone."
"Okay... Then we should get going... Are you sure you're okay?" Ivan got up, keeping me in his arms as we returned to the picnic table.
"I'm okay... I think... we had some kind of bond. Not like ours, but it was something." That would explain why I reacted to him, but it was strange. Now I'm tired. "Where are those jelly beans? I'm starving again."
"In my jacket, let me grab it." He set me on the table before picking up his phone. He handed me the zip-lock bag and lifted me bridal-style. I didn't argue; I was so sleepy now.
"Is it supposed to feel good?" I'm free now. Somehow, I had found freedom here with Ivan, and all the weight I'd held onto was gone.
"I've never heard of a rejection doing that, but if it does, that's a good sign." Ivan put me in the passenger seat and buckled me in. Even that didn't seem so strange anymore. He wanted to protect me, and I liked it.
"I like milk chocolate," I grabbed his arm before he could pull away, not wanting to be away from him yet. "Not really fond of white or dark unless it's part of something."
"Funny, I like white and dark better." He let me hold him, one arm on the back of my seat. "So, I can't cook much, but I make a great homemade pizza."
"I enjoy cooking... and baking..." How could I be this tired and not want to sleep? "I'm pretty good at it too."
"Lucky me," I was glad we had the light now. I loved how sly Ivan looked when he smirked. He'd warned me he had an ego, but it worked on him, especially when he smiled. "I'll eat everything you make, but for now, how about I get you back to the house so you can get some sleep?"
"Okay..." I didn't want to let him go, but I also wanted to sleep. "You're cute this close..."
"Just cute?" It's funny to watch a six-foot-seven guy pout, but watching him have a wicked idea as he looks at your mouth is even funnier. "I mean... I think you're more than cute this close... I'd say you're incredibly tempting."
He didn't give me a chance to ask him what he meant.
I've kissed this werewolf more than I have anyone else in my life.
I can't get over the softness of his lips. We could make out in the back seat. I wouldn't argue.
Sadly, he pulls away, leaving me wanting, and he knows what he's done. I didn't miss his amusement as he shut the door, leaving me in the dark.
My lips tingled, complaining that it wasn't enough. It makes no sense to be this addicted, but everything about him feels familiar.
"You're mean," I whined as he slid into his seat, rewarded with his deep chuckle.
"Yeah, I am," at least he didn't deny it. "Come on. There's a bed with your name on it."
'But does it have your name on it too?' I shouldn't think like that, but part of me wondered where he'd sleep.
"Wait. You're staying in Liam's territory?" When I saw the address light up on the GPS, I had to read it twice.
"How do you know the dragon?" Ivan turned off the truck, the lines on his forehead deepening as his lips pulled down.
"I've been to his house..." More like his mansion, but Liam insisted it wasn't so grand. It made me think that he and Sarah owned something much bigger. "When I first moved here, Sarah was teaching me magic..."
"Sarah?" Ivan must not know her.
"She's Liam's mate. They're nice..."
"Nice? He's charging me three times the market value for the rent..."
"Yeah..." That sounded about right. Liam was big on business, and his prices could be steep. "How'd you find him?"
"We didn't; he found us." Ivan started the engine but didn't look happy. "We were trying to get Greg's car to work. Then a guy came up to us. He was walking along the road, spoke to Taylor, said there was a house we could rent, and that his master would cut us a deal... some deal."
"He made you a deal," Liam was many things, but he was a man of his word. I wonder who'd been patrolling. "Did this guy have gold eyes?"
"Yeah... Do you know who it was?" We pulled out of the parking lot, Ivan's fingers tapping the wheel.
"No, all his guards have gold eyes, but it's definitely Liam. He's quirky. You have to get used to him." You had to, or he'd drive you mad.
"So... they're your friends?" Ivan didn't sound convinced, and it made me uncomfortable.
"Yeah... Not with his guards. I barely knew most of them, but Sarah and Maggie did. That's her student. I spent a lot of time with them before Ricky took my car and phone."
"Why didn't they help you get away from him?" I flinched at how accusing he was. That was a complicated topic, and one I couldn't defend easily. "If they're your friends, they should've helped you."
"They tried..." I had a lot of guilt about this because it was never their responsibility. "I didn't take it. Liam offered me a job, but Ricky didn't want me to work. He flipped out when he realized where I was going. I didn't get to come back."
"It's still shit they didn't check on you..."
"I never gave them my address," I doubt they needed it. All this belongs to Liam, but where we were going was his personal territory. Ivan had no idea what an honor it was for him to offer him a place there, but I doubt he'd look at it that way. "Plus, it's not their way. They don't come to you. You go to them."
"I still think it's bullshit." He scoffed, unimpressed.
You can feel it when you cross the line into Liam's lands.
Everything shifts, even the air, and you know you're somewhere different.
Every time I cross the invisible barrier, I get itchy.
At first, I assumed it was an allergy. However, after drinking tea with Sarah, it always disappeared.
Now, there's no tea, and it's deep in my skin where I can't get to it. I needed a hot shower, and tomorrow I could walk over to the house and talk to her.
I have so much to share, and she needs to meet Penelope.
"That's one of his guys," I point out a man walking down the street. He smiles at us, waving as if it's the afternoon, his eyes glowing like molten gold.
"He seemed to know you," was Ivan jealous?
"I've eaten dinner with everyone a few times," and spent several afternoons helping in Sarah's garden. "I think I know three of their names... but I don't remember his."
"Hmm," was all Ivan said as we drove. Yes, it's clear he's envious.
The closer we got to Liam's house, the more intense the magic became.
I'd never met someone as powerful as the dragon or his mate. Neither were people you wanted to mess with, and I hoped Ivan remembered to treat them with respect.
Liam could be your saving grace, like he'd been for me the day we'd met, or he could be your worst nightmare.
It's challenging to gauge him because he enjoyed some weird things, but you had to take his eccentricities as part of the package that was Liam.
"Can you turn on the air conditioner?" I'm sweating; my jacket is suffocating me. "Please?"
"Sure..." Ivan obliged, the air hitting my face, offering instant relief. "Are you okay?"
"Yeah, it's just... hot..." That wasn't new for New Mexico, but it hit me out of nowhere.
"Taylor said Penelope's asleep," that came out of nowhere. I glanced at his phone on the dash, but it hadn't lit up. How had he have seen a message from her? "She didn't text me... We're close enough to mind-link."
"What's that?" I'd never heard of that before.
"I'm able to communicate with everyone in my pack. We're close enough, so it's not a hassle."
"Oh..." That was some kind of superpower. Imagine talking to someone with no phone or opening your mouth.
"When... you're Luna. You'll be able to do the same..." he's reluctant with the information, but I chose not to comment.
There was that word again.
Luna.