Stomach full of Aspirins? Check! Bath tub full of hot water, check, several razor blades, check. I stare at the pathetic waste of space in the mirror. God I hate her and everything that she has ever done! Can't do anything right, never has. My bright blue eyes surrounded by the redness and puffy ness of crying only enhancing the plain paleness of my skin. My light brown hair hanging, framing my face in it's regular stringy fashion a rag mop that was made of sewing thread. I think Barbie has more and thicker hair than I do. Why do I do this to myself? Why can't I be normal like other people? Why couldn't I have been anyone else?
The house was empty not a sound besides the drip from the faucet of the tub and the rumble of noise from the party in the apartment next to me. Fuck Amethyst, why can't you be normal like those people?
My family had left for the weekend for a camping trip. They left me to clean the house and make sure we weren't robbed. Yeah right like anyone would want to rob this shit hole! I think to myself as I climb down the stairs. I'm going to go out and smoke one last cigarette then I'm going to do it! I'm going to end it all. All the pain and mental anguish I'm feeling, I have lived with this hurt and heavy ness in my chest for too long. I can't take it anymore.
I sit on the front porch watching the beautiful pinks, oranges, blues and purples dance across the skyline as the sun sets in the distance. Typical Montana sunset. If I didn't hate it here so much I might have enjoyed the sight. My parents drug us kids to Montana for what they said was 'a new beginning'. Yeah fucking right! They had just fucked up too many times in our old town and needed to hide. They were never going to get clean, never going to quit the drugs. They enjoyed the life too much. The drama and constant go of the lifestyle. The high of what ever they could put into their bodies. If I didn't have such an adversion to drugs from watching them as I grew up I would probably be out searching that high too right now. I had even been told that I was going to be just like my mother a junkie and a whore! To add insult to injury I had been told this by my very own grandmother! I wasn't untouched by a males hands, my first time was when I was 12 to a "family friend", my parents claim they had no idea but, honestly how can any parent not notice this person always insisting that he be with your daughter at all times of the day. He would even walk me to and from school everyday. My parents were letting him live with us. Why I have no idea, but it cost me everything.
Suddenly I feel my fingers stinging from the cigarette burning to the filter. Looking down I feel the cold wetness rolling down my cheeks, realizing that I had been crying all over again. flicking the butt into the road I decide to light another cigarette and hopefully enjoy this one. Lighting the new cigarette, slowly inhale the burn feeling all the way into my chest. I close my eyes and slowly exhale. wishing I could just as easily blow away all this pain.
Sitting listening to the bass of the music from the apartment next door, taking long slow drags from my smoke, dreaming of stepping into that bath, taking the razor and dragging it up my hands and feet. Watching the the water slowly turn an amazing shade of red. Would I successfully do it this time? Last time I didn't cut deep enough and only cut my wrists and only across. This time I would hit several points, start at the feet this way they stay in the water. move to my left hand and glide the blade along the veins. this way if my hand won't work to do the other side it wouldn't matter. I would have a decent opening to let my heart beat it's last ounce of blood from me.