The alarm clock tears through the silence.
An abrasive, metallic screech pierces my skull. I force my eyes open. *Ugh... damn that alarm. To hell with my life.*
Why am I still alive?
Why didn't I just end it last night? Oh, right... I remember. Because I'm terrified of death. How pathetic—craving death while being scared of it. Damn me.
It's 6:05 AM.
I check my notifications. Nothing.
I collapse back onto the bed, staring at the ceiling. Mindless. No passion for life. Nothing. Just empty. Like a barren, dead desert where nothing lives. That's me. A corpse. I have to get up and go to that goddamn school.
I stand before the mirror, staring at my reflection.
*Why am I like this? Why is my life like this?*
Queer, mentally unstable, lonely, ugly... maybe. But I'm not queer. I don't know. All I want is death, and only death. My eyelids are dark, even though I slept thirteen hours straight. Is it because I slept too much? Possibly.
I dress slowly, indifferent to everything. I intentionally scratch my hand with my nails because... I grab my bag and chat with my little brother until we arrive.
I walk into class and take my usual seat, watching those around me, criticizing every little move they make—as if I'm somehow better than them. Even the teacher isn't safe from my internal judgment. Why I keep it inside and don't confront him? Because I can't stand arguing with these low-class animals. I feel like I'm there among them, yet non-existent at the same time. God, I'm a mess. While I'm drowning in my thoughts, the teacher calls out:
"Ian, how do you form a sentence in the present continuous?"
I stood up to answer, but the words wouldn't come. I stayed silent. I heard one of those people they call "classmates" mocking me. When the teacher finally let me sit down, I gave him the middle finger. He flipped me off back, so I gave him two, until he ended up getting kicked out of class after the teacher caught him. I slumped back into the same boredom. That teacher is so damn pathetic. To hell with him. Even his behavior is weird, unnatural... I suspect he has a weak personality or something. Honestly, I don't care. Screw him.
After what felt like hours, I looked through the small crack in the window beside me. The sky was overcast. Looks like it's going to rain today. Is this the day I die? Heroes always die under gray skies...
*Ugh, I'm so bored. I want to die. Damn it, damn it all. To hell with them, these mindless fools. Do they eat donkey sh*t or what?*
There was something I was supposed to do... but what?
I don't know. God, I need a smoke. Badly.
Once the school day finally ended, I went to buy some cigarettes.
On my way to the shop, people kept looking at me strangely. I don't know why. They weren't long stares, but they were enough. Quick glances, a turn of the head, then silence. I felt something uncomfortable crawling inside me.
Is there something on my face?
I ran my hand over my cheeks, then my forehead, looking for a mistake I hadn't committed. To hell with all of them. I don't care.
God... I hate the street.
I finally reached the shop. While I was buying the cigarettes, a guy from my school walked in.
Adam.
He ordered an energy drink. I felt his eyes glued to my face while I took the cigarettes from the clerk.
*Adam... damn it, not now. I don't want him to see me like this.*
My heart started racing. My chest tightened. I grabbed my cigarettes and bolted out of the shop as if I were being chased.
*Hah... hah... damn it, he saw me.*
I walked far away from the shop and lit my cigarette, trying to calm myself down while I thought.
Why did I feel embarrassed?
I didn't do anything wrong. But his presence... his features... his hair... the way he looked at me made everything feel amplified. No, screw it. To hell with my "queerness."
I took a long drag from the cigarette... then exhaled.
Nothing calmed down.
That's when I remembered.
I forgot my morning meds.
I crushed the cigarette before it was finished and walked on, knowing that the day... wasn't over yet.
To be continued...