53. "FIX MYSELF"
I'm becoming a young man, so many things aren't the way that I thought they would be by this time of my life, I'm living on an edge, not welcoming love into my space and even though that I'm insanely attracted to women, I just can't open up to any kind of love.
People around me wanna know if I've got a young lady in my life, even my uncle and my grandfather said the same thing, "It's time for you to have somebody that you'll spend your time with", I'm pretty sure my mother would love to see her first born grow into a complete young man. But how will I even grow if I'm scared of things like hurt, disappointments and wrong choices? I know that's all the part of growth but I just can't see myself opening up to anybody.
I've talked to so many females about this, some of the prettiest faces I've ever seen couldn't bare with me simply because I'm emotionally distant and romantically unavailable. I keep sharing the most intimate moments with girls that I have no connection with, it's like I'm on a girl after a girl cycle.
54. "DISASTER pt.2"
My phone has been blowing up for the last ten minutes, rather not pick it up, so it just keeps on vibrating as if the world is coming to an end. When I get home, it's gonna be something else on my accusations list, a little miscommunication can blow this whole shit up and that ain't the way we're supposed to do this thing.
She keeps bringing up somebody from the past, just because she's in my phone and in my books doesn't mean I'm still in love with her, all the shit that she reads about is old news but as soon as we get to a good place, she wants to bring up shit that I don't wanna talk about.
I'm trying to make changes in my life, becoming a young man, getting to know her better but every time we get to a good place, she brings up old shit, this time she took it too far, I had to leave before the worst occurred, now she's blowing up my phone.
With what does it help us for her to get answers to her questions? She keep asking about this girl, was she the girl of my dreams, would I have married her if we didn't break up and what does she really look like.
I keep telling her to stop bringing old stuff but it's like I'm talking to a wall, now we're fighting all because of the book that was written freshly after a breakup.