Inside the Takigakure (Hidden Waterfall) Office.
Three Waterfall ninjas were reporting intelligence to their Kage (Leader) and Kakuzu.
"Lord Takikage! We got close to the Hokage of Konoha! His strength seems lackluster! Not even one-tenth of Lord Kakuzu's power!"
Another Waterfall ninja chimed in:
"That's right! That's right! I didn't expect him to be so weak! Lord Takikage! Why don't we send Lord Kakuzu to eliminate him and teach Konoha a lesson?"
The third ninja added:
"As long as we eliminate the Hokage, our Hidden Waterfall Village can stand equal with the Five Great Nations! We will be number one in the Ninja World! And Lord Kakuzu will be the new God of Shinobi!"
The Takikage sat at his desk.
"Is this true?"
Obviously, the Takikage didn't believe it for a second.
The God of Shinobi, weak? Even if I haven't eaten pork, I've seen a pig run. Look at how strong the other Kages are. Could the God of Shinobi be any worse? The Takikage thought.
But his facial expression showed something else.
He looked at Kakuzu, calculating in his mind.
Kakuzu is too powerful... If he stays in the village, my position as Kage might not last long. If I send him to assassinate the First Hokage... if he dies, I can finally relax!
Kakuzu felt uncomfortable being stared at by the Takikage.
Why is this old man staring at me? Does he have some weird fetish? Cold sweat appeared on Kakuzu's forehead.
The Takikage, unaware of Kakuzu's thoughts, continued his calculations.
Yes! Let's do that! Send him to assassinate the Hokage! If he loses and gets killed, I have an excuse. If he wins, the Waterfall Village becomes a Great Nation. It's a win-win no matter how I look at it!
The Takikage spoke:
"Kakuzu... The village has treated you well... Can you make a contribution to the village today? Of course, I won't force you. If you don't want to go, I can't do anything about it, right?"
Kakuzu understood immediately. You old fart, you're gaslighting me?
He replied:
"Perfect! I also wanted to test the strength of the God of Shinobi! Making a trip won't hurt!"
The Takikage was delighted.
"Aiyaya! Comrade Kakuzu! The village will never forget your contribution! When you return, I'll build a huge statue for you so all the children can admire your face!"
Kakuzu knew the old man was full of sht, so he ignored him.
The Takikage realized he needed to seal the deal.
So, he pulled Kakuzu over, talking about swearing brotherhood, and even called his assistant in to witness the ceremony.
Kakuzu was unwilling at first. Until the Takikage said that once Kakuzu killed the Hokage and returned triumphantly, the village's funds would be at his disposal.
Kakuzu knelt down immediately.
"Foster Father above! Kakuzu is at your service!" (Note: Lu Bu reference).
The Takikage was confused.
"Kakuzu! Get up! We are swearing brotherhood! I'm not adopting a son!"
Kakuzu stayed kneeling, thinking:
If I become your adopted son, and you die, doesn't the Waterfall Village belong to me? Then I can sell everything valuable and run away. Isn't that beautiful? Besides, you don't have long to live anyway. With Earth Grudge Fear, who can outlive me?
Kakuzu thought this internally, but on the surface, he recited a classic script:
"I, Kakuzu, have drifted half my life, only regretting that I never met a wise master! If you do not abandon me, I am willing to bow to you as my Foster Father!" (Note: Romance of the Three Kingdoms / Lu Bu meme).
The Takikage laughed.
"Hahahaha! Obtaining Kakuzu is truly a blessing from heaven! Rise, my son! Rise!"
Kakuzu looked up and clasped his hands.
"Foster Father above! From now on, Kakuzu will follow Foster Father! I will go through fire and water without hesitation! Together we shall achieve greatness!"
The Takikage was overjoyed. He ordered his subordinates to set up a banquet in the office and started drinking with Kakuzu.
Seeing the timing was right, the Takikage ordered someone to bring a cup of warm wine.
"Kakuzu~ Drink this warm wine~ To embolden your spirit!"
Kakuzu raised a hand to stop him.
"Leave the wine there! I shall return shortly!" (Note: Romance of the Three Kingdoms / Guan Yu meme").
The Takikage was shocked by Kakuzu's aura.
Could he really kill the First Hokage easily? If he really can... accepting him as a son isn't a bad idea!
Kakuzu turned and walked toward the door.
"My Son!"
The Takikage called out.
Kakuzu paused and turned around slowly.
"What is it, Foster Father?"
The Takikage thought for a moment and asked:
"Can you win?"
Kakuzu gave a disdainful smirk, revealing the smile of the strong.
"Nah, I'd win." (Note: Jujutsu Kaisen / Gojo Satoru meme).
Then he turned, opened the door, and strutted away...
The Takikage watched him leave and thought:
This child will surely achieve great things!
---
Scene Change: A Mysterious Cave.
Black Zetsu was ordering White Zetsu around.
"Go bring all the money we earned from selling scrap metal recently! We're gonna do something big!"
White Zetsu immediately brought the money.
A White Zetsu with self-awareness named Tobi (Guruguru) asked:
"Boss! This is the money we saved for a long time. What are you going to do with it?"
Black Zetsu looked at Tobi and said:
"I recently discovered someone extremely powerful. Someone who can kill the reincarnation of Asura! I plan to hire him to kill Uzumaki Mizuna! That way, my plan can continue! Hahahaha!"
Tobi looked at Black Zetsu with stars in his eyes.
"He's that strong? Does he know what it feels like to poop?"
Black Zetsu was speechless and ignored Tobi.
Taking the money, he sank into the ground.
---
Back to Kakuzu.
"Hmph! I heard the First Hokage's head is worth a lot of money! I'm going to make a fortune!" Kakuzu was happy just thinking about it.
Suddenly, a blob of unidentified black matter appeared in front of him.
Kakuzu couldn't brake in time and stepped right on it. Squish.
"Ouch! Are you fing blind?!"
Kakuzu looked down curiously.
"A talking piece of black sht?" (Note: " Excrement).
Black Zetsu turned red with rage.
"F your black sht! I am of noble Otsutsuki blood!"
Kakuzu: "Big Wooden Barrel (Da Mu Tong)? Never heard of it~" (Note: Pun on Otsutsuki).
Black Zetsu wanted to curse more, but then he remembered this guy could supposedly kill Asura's reincarnation. If I insult him, will he get mad and kill me?
Black Zetsu looked up at Kakuzu.
He saw Kakuzu picking his nose...
Black Zetsu thought:
Is this guy... actually reliable...
But he was already here. He had to treat the dead horse as a living one.
"Are you Kakuzu?" Black Zetsu asked.
Hearing his name, Kakuzu became alert.
"It's me. What do you want?"
Black Zetsu took out a bag full of money and said:
"I want you to kill someone. He is..."
Suddenly, Black Zetsu felt his hand become lighter. The money was already gone. He looked up and saw Kakuzu counting the cash.
"One, two, three, four... Total 20 million Ryo! Deal!"
Kakuzu agreed without thinking.
Black Zetsu sweated.
"I haven't even said who it is yet..."
"Then say it."
Black Zetsu: "......"
Black Zetsu paused for a moment and said:
"I want you to kill Uuzmaki Mizuna!"
"Deal!"
Kakuzu agreed instantly.
Black Zetsu was confused.
"No! Bro! I haven't even told you his info yet?"
Kakuzu turned his head.
"Isn't he just some Uzumaki brat?~ Just something to do along the way to killing the First Hokage~"
Hearing this, Black Zetsu thought:
It's steady! Completely steady! He's definitely a master to have such good intel!
In reality, Kakuzu had only heard a passing mention from the returning Waterfall ninja. He only knew it was an Uzumaki brat in Konoha.
Kakuzu thought:
How strong can a brat be? I can beat him with one hand! And I earn 20 million Ryo! Pure profit!
Both of them thought they had made a huge profit...
Kakuzu pocketed the money and turned to walk toward Konoha.
Black Zetsu watched Kakuzu's back and suddenly asked:
"Hey!"
Kakuzu turned his head.
"Will you win?"
The corners of Kakuzu's mouth hooked up slightly. He turned his head back, leaving Black Zetsu with a cool view of his back.
He raised his right fist.
"Nah, I'd win."
---
Far away in Konoha.
Hashirama sneezed.
"Achoo! Hmm? Is someone thinking about me? Is it Madara?"
......