I am leaving, leaving the guy alone in the apartment. My heart beats so hard that it feels like it is about to burst out of my chest, and it tightens with anxiety, but I know there is no other choice. Every step from the door to the taxi is difficult, as if my legs have become leaden. I get in, and the car rushes forward, taking me to the place that Ivan designated.
There is no turning back now. Now only moving forward remains. And I am ready to meet him face to face. I need to urgently solve this problem before it grows into something more and it becomes too late. My fingers nervously drum on the glass, and my thoughts are tangled.
The place we arrive at is dark and dangerous. One of the most notorious neighborhoods in our city, as if ripped from some crime movie. Narrow streets, peeling walls of houses, graffiti screaming of despair. The air is thick, saturated with the smell of dampness and something rancid. I know this area — I have been here a couple of times, but it has never evoked anything in me but disgust and anxiety.
After getting out of the car, I head toward a specific entrance, and my legs seem to carry me on their own, although every cell of my body screams for me to turn around and leave. But I cannot. Not now. Not when he is at stake.
Approaching apartment number forty-four, I stop. This number in itself evokes a bad premonition. In one of the cultures, the number four symbolized death. And here, as luck would have it, there are two of them. I take a deep breath, trying to calm the trembling in my hands, and knock on the door. Each hit of my knuckles against the wood echoes in my temples, as if warning me of danger.
A young guy opens the door for me. His face is unfamiliar, but wariness mixed with curiosity is readable in his eyes. He silently looks me over from head to toe, as if evaluating whether I am worth trusting. His gaze slides over my hands, as if looking for a weapon, and then stops on my face.
"Ivan is waiting," he finally says, stepping to the side to let me through. "Come in, beautiful."
I step inside, feeling the cold air of the apartment envelope me. My heart continues to beat wildly, but I know that it is already too late to turn back. Now only moving forward remains.
Inside the apartment it is semi-dark, only the dull light of a lamp illuminates the room. Posters that have long lost their color hang on the walls, and empty bottles and cigarette butts lie on the floor. The air is thick, saturated with the smell of tobacco and something else that I cannot identify. Ivan is sitting in the corner of the room on the couch, leaning back against the backrest, a cigarette with something clearly illegal is smoldering in his hand. His face is hidden in the shadow, but I feel his gaze on me. He is calm, too calm, and this scares me even more. His buddies, just as arrogant and self-confident as he is, are sitting around like a pack of hyenas ready to pounce on the prey.
"You came. So, you are not afraid to come here alone? And where did you lose your pooch?" Ivan smirks, and his buddies start laughing as if this is the funniest joke in the world. Their laughter is rough, unpleasant, as if they are enjoying my humiliation. I feel how anger begins to rise inside, a hot wave approaches the throat, but I hold myself back, clenching my teeth.
"And hello to you too. I came to talk. He does not know that I am here."
"Ooh! And won't you get in trouble for going to other guys without his knowledge?" Ivan continues to mock, his eyes glisten with pleasure, as if he is enjoying my discomfort.
"This is only my and your business. Do not drag him into our affairs."
Ivan slowly rises from the couch, his movements are smooth, like a predator who knows that the prey is already in the trap. The guy comes closer, and I feel the smell of tobacco and something else, sharp and unpleasant, as if he brought the atmosphere of danger with him.
"Between me and you?" he takes another step forward, his eyes are cold, and something dangerous is readable in them, something that makes me shudder. "Sorry, but last Friday it became his business too. See? It still hurts," Ivan points with his finger at the bruise under his eye.
Yes, my boy really worked him over. The bruise is bright, purple-yellow, like a reminder of that night when everything went wrong.
"I apologize on his behalf. He will not do it again," I try to settle the situation, although I feel that my words sound empty and useless.
"You can shove your apologies on his behalf up your ass, got it? I do not need them, I want revenge!" his voice becomes louder, sharper, and rage is heard in it, which makes me shrink inside.
"Maybe we can make a deal?"
"And what can you offer me in return?" Ivan smiles, but it is more like an animal's baring of teeth. His eyes glisten as if he is already anticipating what I will say and is enjoying my helplessness.
"Myself," I exhale, feeling how the word burns my lips, and everything inside contracts from fear and despair. My voice trembles, but I try to hold on, although my legs are already giving way.
"In what sense?" he raises an eyebrow, clearly interested, but still skeptical. His gaze slides over me.
"I will fulfill your wish. You wanted me to sleep with you? I will do it."
"And you look at this little girl: she is ready for the sake of some guy to spread her legs before you," says the guy who is next to Ivan. His words are rude, mocking, and they make me feel even more vulnerable, as if I am standing before them naked, defenseless.
"Yeah, maybe you will give him a blowjob right now, since you are so feisty?" offers the second guy, his voice sounds dirty, mocking, as if he is enjoying the moment of humiliation.
I stand, feeling how the ground goes from under my feet, and everything inside contracts from fear and disgust. But I know that there is no way back. I try not to even look at them. Let them pour dirt on me as they want, laugh, mock, say whatever. I do not care. The main thing is that Ivan agrees, does what I offered, and leaves. I do not care if he would then broadcast this all over the city, if everyone would find out what I went to for the sake of my Nerd. Because of me, he met him, because of me, he got into a fight, and now I must fix it. Even if for this I have to endure their mockery, dirty words, looks that seem to undress me. Even if I have to lie in bed with him.
Ivan begins to slowly walk around me like a predator that evaluates the prey. His eyes slide over me, evaluating, as if I am a thing that can be bought or sold. He pretends that he is thinking, shaking his head in different directions, but I know — he has nothing to think with. Everything that he needs is power, control, the feeling that he can do with me whatever he wants.
I stand, clenching my fists, feeling how my nails dig into my palms. Inside everything boils from anger, disgust, fear, but I cannot allow myself to show this. I wait. I wait for his answer, knowing that it will be disgusting, humiliating, but I have no choice.
He stops right in front of me, his face is so close that I feel his breath, thick, with the smell of alcohol and something else, sharp and unpleasant. His eyes, cold and calculating, look at me with such an expression as if he already knows that I will agree to everything.