But I'm still afraid that one day he'll see the real me — not the one who laughs and jokes, but the one who still carries the scars of the past. Afraid that it will scare him away. But for now, Max is here, looking at me as if I'm the most important thing in his life. And maybe that's enough.
Maybe this is the beginning of something new. Even though the end of that evening turned out to be disastrous for me — in the literal sense of the word, — the beginning was tense, and the middle... the middle was exhilarating. I am sure that from here, he'll definitely want to run away. After all, everything around us was so loud, so bright, so foreign to him. But he doesn't run away. He sits next to me, watches the performance, and in his eyes, there is something more than just curiosity. And then, unexpectedly, he offers me his little punishment for the drawing on his face. Maxim wants me to dance for him on the pole.
It shocks me. Who is this guy? Is he really the same virgin bookworm I knew? Every time he surprises me, he gets closer and closer to my heart. I look at the girls dancing on stage and imagine myself in their place. Me, dancing for him. And... it turns me on. I feel a fire ignite inside me, and I want to get up there as fast as possible, so he watches only me.
And when I start dancing, I drown in his gaze. His eyes, usually so calm and reserved, now burn with desire. Nerd looks at me as if I am the only one in the world. And I feel it. Every glance — it is like it touches me, like it burns my skin. He wants me. I want him. In this moment, there are no words, no doubts between us. There is only this — the tension in the air, the desire we are both trying to hold back but which is too strong to resist.
And when I finish dancing, he comes up to me. The guy says something I could barely hear, but the meaning is clear. He doesn't want it to end. And neither do I. We both know this is more than just a game. More than a bet or a punishment. This is the beginning of something new, something real.
I ruined it all myself. In a moment of fear and pain, I accused him of something he didn't do. All my words about trust, about closeness, about not being ready to open up, were meant for Yegor, not Max. I projected my old wounds and fears onto him, and he took it all upon himself.
I am afraid to tell him the truth. Afraid that Maxim will turn away, that he'll see me not as the person I try to appear as, but as the one I really am. And in the end, I hurt him. I almost kicked him out of my apartment, out of my life, just because I couldn't deal with my own fears. But he... somehow, with an inexplicable intuition, he understood that my fears aren't about him, but about my past. Nerd doesn't push, doesn't demand explanations. He is just there. And that's when I decide to trust him. To tell him everything.
I see how he listens to me, how his eyes grow more serious, his lips pressing tightly together. The guy takes my story to heart. It is clear he is angry — not at me, but at the one who had hurt me. If Yegor had been there, I'm sure Max would have killed him, just like he said. But in that moment, when I finish speaking, he doesn't offer empty words of comfort, he just holds me. His embrace is so warm, so strong, that I feel something inside me begin to let go. And that's when I realize that maybe he is the one I can trust. The one who won't break me, but instead help me pick up the pieces.
We made up. No, more accurately, he did everything to make sure we made up. Nerd didn't give up, didn't walk away, didn't leave me alone with my demons. He is fighting for us. For me. And in that moment, I realize that he is stronger than I thought. Stronger than I could have imagined. But our relationship didn't go back to what it was before. No, it jumped several steps forward in one evening. Now I am just as attached to him as he is to me.
This connection has become deeper, stronger, but also more dangerous. Because now he is threatened by Ivan. The same Ivan who hasn't forgotten what Max did to him that night. Ivan, who is thirsty for revenge. And I know he won't stop until he hurts the person who has become dear to me. I can't allow that, and I must do everything to protect him. I'll do it today. I don't know what awaits me, I don't know how it will all end. But I know one thing — I won't let the past destroy my present anymore, I won't let fear control me. Max has become more to me than just a guy I spend time with. He's the one who made me feel alive, who showed me that I can trust, that I can love, be weak without fearing I'll be broken. And I won't let anyone take that away from me. Not Ivan, not my fears, not the past. Today, I am doing everything to protect him. Because he's worth it. Because he's mine. And I'm his. And even if the world falls apart, even if everything goes wrong, I know we'll make it. Because now we are us. And that's stronger than anything else.
"Who is he to you? Don't try to sell me that he's just your friend. I've seen your friends, and I'm your friend too. And you don't look at them or act around them the way you do with him," Grandpa Vi tries to pry the truth out of me.
His gaze is piercing, as if he can see right through all my attempts to hide the truth. I sigh, feeling a mix of conflicting emotions swirling inside me. He cares. He has always been more than just an older friend to me — more like a mentor, someone who knows how to see further and deeper.
"I don't even know yet. But we're drawn to each other, and for now, we're giving in to that desire. Where it will lead, I have no idea," I explain to the forty-year-old man who is like a father to me. Vi nods thoughtfully, his face expressing a mix of concern and slight irony.
"Do you think we're not right for each other?" I light another cigarette. The smoke curls softly in the air, like my own doubts.
"It's not that you're not right for each other. You're just a strange pair, living on different floors of the house, if you know what I mean."
I laugh. Damn, he is right. We are that kind of pair. Our worlds are on different floors, and to cross paths, one of us has to either descend or ascend to the other's level. The question is, how long can we keep running like this?
"Do you think we'll last long together?"
I look at the man. There is something paternal in his face, something that makes me feel like a little girl who is asking an adult for advice for the first time about something she is afraid to understand herself. His answer won't change anything, but I ask him as if seeking advice from a father. He stays silent, squints thoughtfully, puts out his cigarette, and speaks slowly, weighing every word. I lean forward, as if ready to grasp something elusive.
"One of you will have to change to be with the other. But something else is more important here," he says, flicking the remains of his cigarette.
"And what's that?"
Vi looks straight into my eyes, his gaze piercing, as if he can see everything I am trying to hide. I stay silent, feeling his words settle inside me, sprouting anxious thoughts in my mind.
"How different are you? Who will have to compromise their principles? And how much will they have to change, and will that person be happy with those changes later?"
His words sound like a verdict, but there is a grain of truth in them. Vi lights another cigarette, and I, no longer smiling, begin to think. His words touched something deep inside, something I had long been trying to ignore.
"But you know, I think both of you will have to change toward each other. Otherwise, one person will regret changing the other, and that other — deciding to change. I think I've answered your question."
"More questions to ponder than answers. But thank you, Vi, for that. As always, you've approached my problems with all your wisdom."
"Don't mention it, Katrinka," he hugs me, and in his embrace, I feel that paternal care I have been missing so much.
His arms are strong but gentle, and the smell of tobacco and something else, purely masculine, is soothing. In that moment, I realize his words aren't just advice. They are a warning. A warning that love isn't just joy and passion — it's also compromises, pain, and change. And I don't know if I am ready for that. But one thing is clear — I can no longer ignore what is happening between me and Max. We are different, but maybe that's what makes us stronger. Or maybe it is the beginning of the end. I don't have the answers, but I know one thing — I don't want to run anymore.
"But don't forget to invite me to your wedding," he adds with a slight smile.
"Wedding?" I have never thought about our relationship reaching that level. A wedding, kids, a regular routine life... Will I be able to live like that? I don't know the answer to that question, just like I don't know the answers to many others at my age.
"Of course. I'm sure you'll end up together. Just in case, I want to walk you down the aisle."
"Alright. If I ever get married, whether it's to Max or not, you'll be the one to walk me to my future husband."
Vi laughs, and his laughter is as warm as his embrace. But deep down, I realize that his words made me think. About me and Maxim. About what awaits us. And about whether we are ready for those changes.