Far away, on a planet humans called Saturn, lived a race of people who called it Zenon. One of its inhabitants was currently dreaming about theoretical motion when his temporal lobe recognized someone shouting in the native tongue of Zenon, "RYAN. RYAN. RYAN. RYAN. WAKE UP. RYAN." The now identified Ryan grogged as he opened his pupiless eyes and allowed for his conscious vision to return to him. Something was shaking him. Slowly, his eyes focused on a feminine figure who was tall, thick-bodied, and had long dark hair to complement her dark green skin.
"WHat is it, shOKy?" Ryan managed to say. As he moved, grasping for pillows and blankets that weren't there, he realized he was in a seated position on his couch which would explain why he was so sore.
"All of the Agrinauts have returned! All of them!" the woman identified as Shoky replied. "Look! Look!"
Ryan tried to look at the TV screen in front of them for the story Shoky had forced him to stay up and wait for though his bleary eyes were having trouble focusing. A nondescript Zenonite anchor reporting the news of the return was all he could make out, "Well folks, 8 months ago- or 8 years as the humans would think- after months of petitioning and forums and debates, the government allowed for 100 of our spacecrafts to travel to the distant and incredibly hostile planet we know and fear, Earth-" a graphic of the planet Earth appeared by the anchor's head "-so that we may experience the foods that the humans have long claimed to be, and I quote the humans here, 'delicious'." Pictures of what had been identified as burgers, french fries, sushi, ice cream, cake, and pasta began to show up on screen before returning to the anchor.
"Many argued it was too dangerous to travel to this planet whom we all agree hosts mostly simple-minded but extremely violent lifeforms that constantly threaten our peaceful existence. We live in fear of being discovered by these barbaric life forms known as humans as an intergalactic war and possible enslavement of zenonite-kind would be inevitable. But despite this, as we watched human media through our observation cameras, we all noticed the one thing that made humans happy beyond all measure." The anchor gave a coy smile for dramatic emphasis. "Their food. To them, it was more than a necessity to life. It was an addicting lifestyle. Many humans even became obese from over consumption. By comparison, our food is quite bland. We have no word for 'delicious'. It made us curious. Why did the humans always smile when they ate ice cream? Why did they moan when they ate meat? Why did they cry when they ate a pepper? Why did they rush to the table that had all the deep fried goodies? What is a brain freeze?!"
"Lux, all this exposition. We know all this already! Get to the good part!" Shoky shouted at the screen.
"As a science- based community," The anchor continued, undeterred by her outburst, "Zenonites had to know!And now, we may soon have an answer. Just hours ago, the Agrinaut vessels have returned safely and with plenty of human food that they've cultivated or cloned on the way back, as well as testing to see if Zenonites could actually digest the food. "So far, so good" has been the report given to this news station. There will be a public welcoming ceremony with an official Q & A section at Zenon Central at 0500 to discuss the details. Stay tuned as we learn more. Now, on to our corrections segment-"
The anchor was drowned out by Shoky's gasp. "We're by Zenon Central! We should go!" But Ryan had gone back to sleep a While ago.
"Ryan! Wake up!" Shoky shook him.
"Ah, what?" Ryan jolted.
"The welcoming and press conference for the Agrinauts is happening at Zenon Central in a couple hours! We should go!" Shoky stared eagerly at him.
Ryan didn't have the same enthusiasm. His head flung back as he groaned, "A press conference? What do we need to go to that for? They'll show it on the TV live, I'm sure. The food's not even going to be there!" He was struggling to keep his eyes open. "We should go to bed and wait for the Feast of Human Food to start."
"But the Feast isn't happening for another 2 days and this is an historic event happening just 20 minutes from here right now! I want to be as close to it as possible; it's going to be awesome and I'm too excited to sleep," Shoky grabbed Ryan's wrist and bounced repetitively in place to show her point.
"I guess we don't Have to sleep," Ryan opened one eye in order to look at Shoky mischievously and began to kiss her hand.
"Ha-ha," Shoky smiled sarcastically as she pulled her hand away from him. "C'mon. I wanna seeeeeeeeeeee!"
"You can 'seeeee' when you watch them on T.V.," replied Ryan who attempted to grab her hand and pull her back to him. But Shoky jumped off the couch, away from him.
"Ryan! I know you're not as excited as me about it but this is life-changing stuff that's happening. Society-changing! No, universe-changing!" Shoky exclaimed. She gathered herself up, standing tall and important, getting ready for Another inspirational speech.
Ryan stopped her to save himself from an attempt to look like he was listening,"The Zenon government had the stupid idea of sending our ships to Earth to take samples from all over the human globe, risking human discovery, just so we could find out what the big deal about McDonalds was.Excuse me for not seeing this as a positive change."
"But the science! And cultural connection!" Shoky pouted.
"What's the point though? It's not like we're ever going to try to befriend them and our food is perfectly nutritious!" Ryan woke up more as he got ready for the ongoing argument he and Shoky had had since the mere idea of Zenon going to Earth became public. "There is absolutely no sound reason as to why we need to send ships to Earth, of all places, just so we could know what their food tastes like. I'll admit, I'm curious as to why humans ignore the risk of obesity and heart disease for it. But not enough to actually try it! Humans en masse have been proven to be the cockiest, bull headed species of the galaxy. Ever since we discovered them, we have worked tirelessly to hide from them. There is a highly sophisticated ring around our planet that makes the 'smart' people on Earth think Zenon is a gas planet. All our ships and satellites and anything that emits a signal has to be cloaked so it can't get picked up by all the stupid probes NASA and whatever other space agency keeps sending. We even had the worst intergalactic debate in the history of the universe with the rest of the life sustaining planets to convince them to Also hide from the humans because Lux forbid the humans find out about L'Saklian mines. And we're just going to risk all of that for some cake? We don't need to risk the peace of the universe for extra flavor."
Shoky frowned and sniffed. "The more we understand and immerse ourselves in human culture, the better prepared we'll be should we ever be discovered. Which is seemingly inevitable now that their space travel is becoming more advanced. Knowledge is the ultimate advantage."
Ryan sighed and slumped back on the couch, defeated. He had tired of this argument months ago. "Stupid." was the only reply he could muster so early in the morning.
He heard Shoky sigh and felt the couch cave in a bit as she sat down beside him. Her arms wrapped around his shoulders and her lips began to move from the top of his neck down to the base. "Ryan, why you gotta be such a grumpy poop pants?" She asked him. "They only recently got satellites and telecommunication towers we can snag signals from. And thank Lux because they were starting to get suspicious of the bird drones. But now we get to taste what they taste. Maybe that's the key to sedating them, if we can harness it properly. We've all seen what food does to them. Who knows? Maybe one day, we'll find a way to connect with the humans in a way that won't make them bomb us and we can finally live in a truly connected universe."
Ryan rolled his eyes internally. "You're naive if you think we can ever live openly- in peace- with the humans."
Shoky rested her head on his. Ryan felt her cheek move, as if she were smiling. "Maybe," she said. "But at least I'm not a grumpy poop pants."
Ryan turned to face her. "I'm a grumpy poop pants?"
Shoky nodded vehemently.
"Me? Grumpy? With poop pants?!"
Shoky began to giggle. "Yes!"
"You think I'm grumpy?!" With that, Ryan began to tickle her. She screeched.
"Stop!"
"Tell me I'm a happy sunshine shorts!"
"What?!" Shoky laughed.
"Tell me I'm a happy sunshine shorts!" He tickled her harder, rolling on top of her.
"You're a happy sunshine shorts!" Shoky yelled.
"Thank you," Ryan stopped. Shoky smiled and wrapped her arms around his neck to kiss him.
"Can we go to Zenon Central and take part in the Earth Food welcome and press conference now?"
Ryan sighed. "Fine. But I at least want to take a nap in bed first. You owe me snuggles for making me wait on the couch all night."
Shoky scoffed. "If you think you can go to sleep with me in bed," she said with a suggestive look.
Ryan grinned. "Guess we'll find out." Shoky giggled as he followed her to bed.
* * *
As previously revealed, Ryan lived conveniently on the border of Zenon Central, in the residential zone known as Vikopeg. Zenon is a large planet- much larger than Earth- even without the "gas" that surrounds the atmosphere; it's just a bit and a half bigger than Uranus [or Ditapis, as the Uranites (Ditapites) prefer it to be called for reasons]. Even so, it's mostly very large islands with some smaller islands around it with varying biomes which actually help break up and distinguish the regions a bit easier. Zenon Central is the biggest island resting on the equator, making it the obvious choice for the capital's location. Normally, Ryan appreciated the convenience of living near the Zenon capital but his human loving girlfriend was making him rethink that convenience. Perhaps he could transfer to Manarooney or MLK Island, on the opposite side of Zenon. Manarooney was a bit wetter than Vikopeg while MLK Island was a bit snobbier. He could probably get used to it if he had to, though.
"Ready?" Shoky eagerly broke Ryan's train of thought as he emerged from his room wearing jeans and a pullover hoodie. An ignorant human might claim that Ryan's clothes were very Earth-y but actually, zenonites came up with the style when humans were still driving around in a horse and carriage. There were also some key stylistic differences in how zenonites made their clothes, if one looked closely enough. Not only were they sustainably produced and biodegradable, Zenon jeans had deep pockets with a magnetic "zipper" that never got caught on things and went from groin to butt all the way up to the waistband on either side with a little bit of an offshoot around the thighs for ease of removal- especially in bathroom contexts. They were also traditionally gray instead of blue due to the undyed cattery plants they came from as opposed to human cotton. Cattery had better flexibility and dried quicker anyways. The hoodie fabric integrated nanotechnology mostly for temperature regulation and better dispersing of body odors. Fancier ones also had speakers and changing lights. Ryan's hoodie was a cheap one he got from the Zenon University of Air and Space Travel, their logo displayed on the front. The giant pocket in the front had smaller, more snug pockets inside it for extra holdings or hand warming. Nothing on Earth was this comfortable and efficient.
"Yeah, I'll get the cab," he told Shoky. He went to his desk in the living room and tapped on it. A computer screen rose from the surface, asking him what he would like. He tapped on the "Call a cab" option.
"With or Without Driver?" it asked. Ryan tapped the "without" option, preferring the sense of control which brushed against his pilot's pride. Self driving cabs were still a bit new and while the added privacy was nice, many still preferred an experienced driver "just in case". Being able to drive wasn't especially common since no one really had personal vehicles in Zenon except top government officials or vehicle enthusiasts- more from lack of necessity than cost or availability. What was the point of them when they had a very efficient public transportation system with cabs, bikes, and buses throughout populated areas? Usually, zenonites would take a cab or bike from their residential area then use the bus or bike to get around the nearby city centers- if walking was too much. But Ryan being a licensed pilot made him a bit of an exception in terms of driving ability.
"Private or Public?" the screen asked next, wondering if they were ok with picking up anyone else who needed a ride along the way. Ryan wasn't in a social mood and wasn't enthusiastic about going in the first place so he picked the private option- knowing it would take longer. He was drinking the last of his ca'fee when he got the notification that the cab was near. Just in time, too, as Shoky was scolding him for picking the private option.
"Not just that it takes longer but it's so much less efficient! Anyone who needed a ride and sees us in the private cab is going to scowl at us!" she complained.
"Well, good thing it has privacy windows so they can't see who they're scowling at," Ryan shot back as he opened the door downstairs that led to outside.
"I'll see them scowling at me though," Shoky pouted as she walked through.
"Pretend you don't," said Ryan as he walked out with her. They walked towards the waiting cab together. It was a hover cab, of course. Zenon got rid of wheels years ago so as to preserve the natural ground. Shoky glowered at the offending "Private" sign that sat on top of the roof and orange color. Public ones were more yellow.
They climbed into the hovering pod which looked like a deformed, pasty orange egg with a lighter off color horizontal stripe around the middle that acted as the 360 degree window. There was no driver as requested though there was a swivel chair in front of a control panel, in case a manual override was wanted or needed. Otherwise, a long, squishy couch lined the wall of the cab with a cooler in the center that had a built-in TV, currently tucked into the back of its lid. Shoky grabbed some water from the cooler and sat down with Ryan. In better weather, they liked to open the convertible roof and stick their heads out to feel the wind but it was just a Little too cold for that today. The cab lifted up off its peg stands and started towards the area that had a lot of large buildings in it- Zenon Central.
Ryan glanced over to see Shoky watch the window as the houses seemed to fly by. They were nothing like most houses on Earth. They were made to resemble the trees zenonites used to inhabit eons ago, using ethically sourced metals and glass with farmed plant insulation. They looked more like basic human light bulbs, except with a rounded rectangle (some lumpier than others) for the bulb and much longer, narrower stems. White was the standard color, though some were brown, blue, green, yellow, gray, etc. They were all smart homes, too, of course, so it was easy to change the color or pattern using the customization feature with a few taps. Others tried to make theirs look a bit more like trees or some other clever designs like a hammer or teapot pouring tea. Ryan's was a boring light blue. Shoky got hers to be polka dot.
After 20 minutes, they were in Zenon Central. Many buildings followed the traditional tree pod style. Some were inspired by Earth architecture, however, with cylindrical or rectangular glass structures firmly planted on the ground. They weren't clustered together as much as they were on Earth, however. Zenon needed room for all the real trees and greenery they planted everywhere. One clearing was bigger than the others and it was filled with a huge cluster of people. At the far end of one was a large stage with a holographic banner over it reading, "Welcome Home Agrinauts". This is where the cab dropped Shoky and Ryan off.
"Dear zenonites…" came a voice over a sound system.
"Ooh, it's starting! Hurry up!" Shoky grabbed Ryan and started to run through the crowd. They didn't make it very far, however. Said crowd was pretty tight. Ryan couldn't see the stage very clearly through all the people. Luckily, there was a large screen above the stage for the people in the back, showing a portly male zenonite in ceremonial zenonite attire standing at a podium. Ryan recognized him as Roy Xinini, the Voice of the Council. There were some equally well dressed people sitting behind him in reserved silence- the rest of the Council. They all had distinct roles: the Mind was in charge of Scientific and Technological Advances, the Breath was in charge of Environmental Preservation, the Hand managed the Developmental Projects, the Eyes handled Security and Diplomacy, the Ears organized and recorded all the Public Forums, and the Heart made the Ethical calls. No one was above the other though Roy was the one to bring their consensus into one unified message for the public to hear.
"Today, we welcome home our beloved pilots and scientists who risked their lives so that we might partake in the savage cuisine of the greatly feared Earth." Roy Xinini began "I know there was a lot of controversy over the matter, specifically fear over being discovered. But I assure you, great zenonites, with our masterful cloaking technology which was re-developed and upgraded tirelessly by our wonderful engineers, the extraction went off without a single detection." The crowd cheered unanimously which Roy smiled at.
"Of course, this mission could never have come to pass had it not been for you faithful inhabitants, petitioning, calling government officials, showing up to public forums, and voting in favor of this extravagant undertaking." Roy Xinini continued. "Now we can literally have another rare taste of human culture." Roy grinned shamelessly at his joke. "This could help us to better understand our oblivious barbarian neighbors who live a mere 3 planets away, and help to prepare us in the unlikely event of discovery. The more we know, the more we understand, the better. Because..."
Roy paused a moment so the crowd could shout the planet motto, "Knowledge is the ultimate advantage." and cheer.
Ryan scoffed,"We already understand them. He just said it," Ryan whispered to Shoky. "Oblivious barbarians."
"Shh," said Shoky, which made Ryan scowl.
Roy Xinini smiled broadly. "But let's not forget the luminaries of this harrowing journey. The three thousand pilots, engineers, stealth extractors, and scientists who actually went on the hundred ships we sent to Earth to bring us a sample of the various human edibles. Nons and gunons, on behalf of the Council Leaders of Zenon, I would like to present them now with this honorary medal that marks their great achievement, the Green Peace and Discovery award."
"They're getting a G-PaD?!" exclaimed Ryan.
"Sh!" Shoky warned as surrounding zenonites turned to give them confused or angry glances.
Roy Xinini proceeded to hold out the much sought after medal. One of the nons sitting behind the council leader stepped up to the stand and let Roy pin the medal on his captain's uniform. "On behalf of the previous three thousand nons and gunons who served and risked their lives-"
"-and the lives of everyone else on the planet," Ryan muttered to himself.
"-for this mission, I, Captain Gurry Brandon Stickl, accept this award," he said. He paused to look at the medal before continuing, "You know, when I was offered the position of Head Captain of this mission, I knew it was going to be anything but easy. But we had the best of the best for a team. I wouldn't be standing here if it weren't for these thousands of nons and gunons standing behind me now who contributed and made this mission a success. It was possible because of them. There's really not much more to say about it."
The crowd applauded once more as Captain Stickl stepped away from the podium, waddling away in proud astonishment at the honor he had just received. Roy Xinini reappeared on the screen.
"And of course those nons and gunons will be getting their own G-PaD medals in a later ceremony. But now we must humor our eager press. In 15 minutes, the leaders of the expedition, popularly known as MissionIn N Out, will all gather once more for a press conference to answer all your hundreds of questions about the journey these people undertook. But while we wait for them to gather up here," Roy Xinini raised his hand as if as a signal. "Let's dance!"
Music that sounded like electronic house music with extra whirs and beeps began to play loudly, causing the audience and stage members to dance accordingly. Everyone except Ryan, who was currently making a statement by not taking part of his culture's need to infuse their appreciation for dance into everything important.
"I'm going back to bed," Ryan grumbled to Shoky, who was popping and locking.
"What? Why?" Shoky shouted over the music.
"I've... got a flight in a few hours. I need to be well rested for it." Ryan excused himself lamely. "I'll see you tomorrow."
Shoky made a face but said, "Fine." Ryan gave her a quick kiss before walking towards the cab station where one of a handful of cabs awaited him.
He hated to leave Shoky so rudely but he had to get out of there. Not only because he hated crowds full of people he didn't know but also because he couldn't stand listening to how Mission In N Out was a good idea any more. Ryan was a proud Zenon citizen who didn't enjoy risking anything. It's why he was a pilot for national flights only. No risk of getting stranded in space on the way to the planet of Zealae-Fideon.
He thought most of the things the government decreed were a valid necessity: their ever efficient transportation system; their use of job cards instead of money; how they respectfully told the Edenoid drillers from the next galaxy over to kindly bug off their massive oil reserves beneath their many forests. But above all, he approved of the time and energy spent to hide themselves from the humans. Humans are a race to be feared. About 15 or 20 months ago, Ryan was able to watch his first ever human movie while the merits of the Agrinaut mission was being debated. He picked E.T. which ended up being about a helplessly lost and completely innocent alien who tries to get back home but the government tries to kidnap and experiment on him instead. What kind of group of fully grown animals thinks that's ok?
It was just fiction, he told himself. Then he watched Iron Giant, Nausicaa, Green Mile, the X-Files show that was Still running on Earth and it was around then Ryan began to see a pattern, all while his government debated doing a munchie run to that very blood pit.
Perhaps individually, a human isn't so bad. But all together in Ryan's view, they are a horrible and somewhat stupid people. They ignore their poor and hungry. They have borders that keep fleeing masses in their own terrible countries. They start major culture wars over the smallest of religious differences. They have politicians who only bicker without ever actually doing something to help their people. Not to mention their idolatry of fame and fortune over education and science and how many times violence has been used to solve a problem, big or small. Ryan shuddered to think what would happen if humans ever found out about Zenon's oil reserves. He doubted they'd be as understanding as the Edenoids.
So why did his government decide that actually going to Earth for grocery shopping was necessary? Just for the pleasure of tasting Earth food? He knew Zenon food was typically bland and water flavored but it was also healthy and sustainable! He understood why zenonites enjoyed watching human media. It was the same reason humans slow down to see a car wreck on the highway. It was an acceptable amount of human horror culture immersion that made you feel better about your own life. But going as far as an 8 month expedition to sample their food as well?! Ryan couldn't wrap his mind around the thought process that led to that expedition.
He let out a big sigh. He was getting himself worked up again. They were the same thoughts over and over and he was starting to get bored of them. The government probably knew what it was doing. He should just trust that and relax. He should go back to the ceremony and enjoy his time with Shoky. He should go to the public forum and ask the council leaders what the hell they were thinking. No, he should just go home and take a nap. Yes, that sounds like a good idea. Naps are good.
* * *
Ryan was once again woken by his wonderful girlfriend though she was nicer about it this time.
"Ryan…. darling."
He could feel her body wrap around him. "Hmmmm….?" he sighed.
"Ryan, my love, wake up…." She traced his pale, olive green jawline and raked through his golden blonde hair with her pointy, nailless fingers that all zenonites had.
Suddenly, he was wide awake. A product of association. "What'd you do?"
"What?"
Ryan sat straight up to look at Shoky. "You don't wake me up nicely unless you did something you Know is bad and need help getting out of it." He looked at her hard. "What did you do?"
Shoky began to sit up as well. "I didn't do anything…"
Ryan waited.
Shoky pursed her lips and looked at the bed guiltily. "I found something-"
"Oh, Shoky!" Ryan got out of bed. "You didn't bring home another flibirathi, did you? Do you remember how long it took to get out of your pod last time? Because I do!"
Shoky followed him out of bed and put out steadying hands towards him, as if he were a cornered animal deciding between fight or flight. "It's not a flibirathi. I learned my lesson with those."
Ryan scoffed. "A rare occurrence." He turned to face his window.
"Ryan, please, this is the biggest thing ever in the history of ever. I really need your support on this," Shoky pleaded.
Ryan beheld his gunon. Her eyes were filled with the determination of someone in desperate need. Those eyes had complicated his life more than once. He agreed to nothing but Shoky knew he would help when he looked at her and waved her on with a sigh.
"Ok, so, you know how I was at the ceremony," Shoky continued.
"Yea, I took you there. You woke me up for it," Ryan impatiently replied.
Shoky clasped her hands together nervously. "Well, they had this 'Tour the Ships' thing where you could walk around one of the actual ships that went to Earth. And as I was walking through it, there was a restricted part that was closed for safety reasons-"
"So naturally you went in that part." Ryan had heard this story before. Shoky did not say, 'Well yea, what do you take me for?' but her smile-shrug combo did.
"Anyways, it went to this sort of tank thing and I looked inside and that's where I found this, uhm…" Shoky was literally grasping for the word but decided to continue instead, "Anyways, I brought her to your house and please don't be mad." Shoky recoiled slightly in preparation for Ryan's verbal backlash.
Ryan took a deep breath to keep his composure. Once he felt ready, he calmly but sternly asked her, "What did you find?"
Shoky visually examined her lover, obviously not sure as to how he would respond. Perhaps regretting bringing it up to him in the first place. "Please don't go crazy. I need you to be calm for this," she gave one final warning.
"Just show me the damn thing!" Ryan urged, losing his patience. Shoky sighed. Hesitantly, cautiously, nervously, she flitted to the bedroom door to reveal what deserved this introduction.
Ryan stared at what was in the opening doorway. Nothing could have prepared him for the thing standing before him in his living room.
"Hey, what's up?" said the thing in English with an awkward wave. She was shorter than Ryan and Not a zenoninte. "I'm Nalie."