All he said was, "love, live, cry, get hurt and want to die, give pain a chance, give yourself up to the pain which you always eagerly try at your upmost best to deny. I want you to hate life so much that you start loving it. I need you to live so much that it hurts every time you breath. Don't be a shadow son, be Chris, be always your own self. And remember I love you champ. "
Those were the only words I could ever recall from the long conversation we were given the chance to have. And yes, I cried again, God as witness every ounce of pain which I have ever felt came down on me at once. I wept till the point of dryness, I cried so much that I could no longer give any tears towards the pain. Insomnia struck right after that dream; I couldn't sleep a wink then.
I had never been in such a dark place before, everything seemed so colorless, and for a moment I felt peace, even though all the lights were still on, my eyes kept themselves shut in order to see what they deem fit, I laid there for hours thinking about the dream I had with dad in it, I thought about the sudden murder by my uncle and of all things I thought about mom, I thought about what she would tell me in the morning, I thought about all the moods she could find herself in when she wakes up. I thought about how she was going to be able to take care of the family without uncle looking after her. I thought about all the things which we would have to miss cause of uncle not being around anymore.
And yes, I thought about how I would turn out without any more male models for me to look up too.
17/04/20
*Chris not everything will be black and white, somethings aren't as easy or even as difficult as you perceive them to be. You might want to join your father very soon I know, but regret doesn't take back actions, when you decide make sure it's the one you feel will benefit you. And of course, BE HAPPY, yes Happiness, as impossible as you believe it to be, don't look for happiness, but make sure to accept it, yes you deserve to be happy. You deserve to smile with no hindrances in the way, you deserve to be everything and nothing at the same time. Your human after all, it's your nature to feel, so feel happiness, but never underestimate it.
It will find you, not the other way around*
There was a little moment whereby I had finally chosen to open my eyes in the hopes that I would be able to grace my eyes with the light for which they have been denying themselves for hours, yet my expectations were not met as I opened my eyes all I could see was my sister, and as angelic and peaceful she had seemed that night, I knew it was too good to be true. She had a straight face on, she hadn't put any makeup on her face, which was very much out of the ordinary considering that she wasn't able to even leave her room without having makeup on.
She had a lot of sadness in her eyes, almost seemed like she had spent the last 5 hours crying, as much as she tried to speak to me her voice seemed to have vanished from all of the crying she might have been through, her lips were cracked, reddish in color, her cheeks also red in color. This was never a good sign, she has never been the faint hearted type. She had always been able to put up a very tough front. I'm guessing that her walls had finally broken down. It scared me to see her that light, it is too much for me to think about having to play her role for a change, not that I find it hard to pursue, quite the fact that she's played it for so long it has become one of her very own personal attributes.